by Lisa De Jong
“We have clear direction now. Let’s see what you can do with it.”
Our goodbyes are always short, but this one breaks a new record as we exit less than two minutes later, hopping into a waiting car.
“There aren’t many people I don’t like,” I admit as we start down the street. “But I really hate him.”
“You’re part of a large club.” He glances out the window as we speed down 5th Avenue. “Are you ready for chocolate?”
“As much as you can get me.”
The car pulls in front of Magnolia Bakery. “Sit tight. I’ll be right back.”
I’ve heard of Magnolia before and always wondered if the cupcakes taste as good as people say. Another signature piece of New York I’m going to try.
He emerges a few minutes later with a box and two bottles of water in his hand. “If these don’t make you feel better, I don’t know what will.”
I open the box to six different flavors. “Oh my. What kinds are these?”
He points to one in the center with light brown frosting. “Knowing you, I’d start with that one. It’s a chocolate cupcake with peanut butter buttercream.”
“I’m sold.” I pick it up, carefully pulling back the paper. After taking my first bite, I close my eyes, letting the flavors marry on my tongue. “This is so damn good.”
When I look to Pierce, he’s finishing off the last of a red velvet cupcake. “What?” He shrugs. “Did you think I was going to let you eat the whole box?”
“Have at it. I’m getting full already.”
I polish off the cupcake then stare out the window as we pass stores, restaurants, and people. My mind has time to wander again. In a few short hours, we’ll be back in Chicago, and I have no idea what awaits me there. I need space, time … actually, I don’t know what I need.
I’m not ready to face him—he’s either going to make it better or break us apart forever. Sometimes, I forget to put myself first. Sometimes, I jump into things without clarity. There’s only one thing I can do to get me there.
“I need to go home,” I announce.
“That’s where we’re heading.”
“No, I mean Nebraska. I need to go home.”
I am met with silence. Long and awkward.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” he asks, his voice softer.
Pierce has been like my journal; he always gets the truth.
“I’m pregnant.”
His eyes widen. His mouth opens, but no words come out.
I start crying; that seems to be the only thing I’m good at today. “It’s not yours if that’s what you’re thinking. I’ve done the math, and you always used condoms didn’t you?”
“Yes. I mean, I think I did.” His stare is distant … empty as he rubs the heel of his palm against his chest. Any hope he had for us is crushed. I crushed it.
“I don’t know what to do,” I confess, watching him because I deserve his pain.
“Have you told him?”
“Of course. Why do you think he wasn’t at the apartment this morning?’
He shakes his head, baring his teeth. “I never would have left you.”
Does he think I don’t know that?
“I need to go home for a few days. I need to get away … to clear my head.”
“Do you want to go now?” he asks, pulling his phone from his pocket.
My thoughts are all over the place. Blake wants to talk, but I don’t know if I want to hear what he has to say. Plus, time may be exactly what we need.
I nod. I have clothes at home. Most everything else I can get somewhere, and it would give me time to see my doctor.
Pierce puts the phone to his ear. “Hey, Mike, can you change our flight plan? We need to make a stop in Omaha before going home.” There’s a pause. Pierce nods. “Thanks, Mike. I appreciate it.”
This is one of those moments where I question my decision. My stupid heart must have something against perfection.
“Thank you.” There is nothing else to say.
He wraps his arm around my neck, gently kissing my cheek then lays my head against his chest. “I’d do anything to make you mine, but what I really want is for you to be happy.”
“You’ll never know how much this means to me … how much you mean to me.”
His fingers brush through my hair. “I do. I just wish you knew how much you mean to me.”
If he says anything else, I don’t hear it. I drift to sleep on a heart-shaped pillow.
IT’S DARK BY THE TIME the plane lands in Omaha—the city lights the only thing I see. I recognize Woodmen Tower and the new event center.
“Thank you for doing this,” I say to Pierce as the plane comes to a stop.
“You don’t need to keep saying it. I did it because I wanted to. Don’t worry about coming back to the office until Monday. You should have enough sick time built up.”
I nod, pulling my purse over my shoulder. “I guess I’ll see you Monday morning.” I wrap my arms around him in a show of appreciation.
He kisses my forehead. “Call me if you need anything.”
Within a few minutes I’m at the counter renting a car to drive back home. While the agent processes my information, I pull my cell phone out, turning it back on. I wait for it to load as she hands me the keys and rattles off several minutes of disclosures.
Three messages pop up.
Reece: Did you talk to Blake? Call me, plz.
Blake: What time will you be back?
Blake: I need to see you.
For now, I tuck it back in my purse and go claim my mid-size Honda from across the street. Blake has left me hanging so many times that it justifies me doing the same just to pay him back. I’m not that person.
Lila: I went back home to see my parents. Back next week.
Before pulling my car from the lot, I call Reece. It rings four times before she picks up.
“It’s about time. I’ve been worried about you.”
“Sorry, we were in New York all day and then I decided to come home for a few days.”
“Home?”
I start the car, letting the air conditioning kick in. “Pierce dropped me off in Omaha. I need some fresh air for a few days … some time to think without all the distractions.”
She sighs. “I’m going to miss you, but you made a good call. I guess Blake didn’t take it too well, huh?”
“He ran the way he usually does. He’s been texting me today, but I’m not going to let him take me on the roller coaster with him this time. I have more than just myself to worry about.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“It sucks, though,” I admit, tearing up again. “Look, Reece, can I call you back tomorrow? It’s been a long day, and I’m really tired.”
“Of course. Get a good night’s sleep, okay?”
“I will.” Before she can hang up, I add, “You’re a great friend. I really mean that.”
“You are, too,” she replies.
I laugh quietly. I don’t see how that’s possible when I have all the problems. “I try to be. Talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
As I drive out of Omaha onto the country roads Nebraska is notorious for, I roll down the window and turn up a little Brantley Gilbert. The smell of fresh cut grass and the occasional scent of cattle seep into my car, but they’re just more reminders of home.
It’s always going to be my safe place.
My nerves don’t show until I pull into my small town. In less than a minute, I’ll be in my parents’ driveway. There won’t be any way to explain my visit without telling them everything.
I take one deep breath and put my hand on the door handle.
I take another and actually pull it back.
After three, I’m finally out of the car making my way to the front door. I still have my key, but they’d probably have a heart attack if I just walked in. I knock instead.
While waiting, I peek through the side window, seeing the glow of the TV c
oming from the living room. Mom comes around the corner cautiously, her robe pulled tightly over her pajamas.
Her mouth hangs open when she sees me standing on the other side of the door. “Lila,” she says, folding her arms around me. “What are you doing here?”
“I need you,” I cry, burying my face in her hair. She’s used the same shampoo since I was a little girl. It reminds me of the hundreds of times she’s comforted me over the years.
“Come in. Do you have any bags you need help with?”
“No,” I answer stepping inside. “It was a last minute sort of thing.”
“James!” Mom yells. “Your daughter is here!”
I wince. I love my daddy, but he’ll have ten times more questions than Mom.
“Hey, baby girl.” He smiles, coming around the corner. “What are you doing here?”
Folding my arms over my stomach, I say, “I needed a break from the city.”
He pulls me in for a hug, kissing my forehead in the same spot Pierce had just over an hour ago. “I’m glad to have you home.”
For a while, we stare at each other. I know they know something isn’t quite right. They’re just waiting for me to say it or thinking of a way to ask me.
“Do you want to come watch some baseball?” Dad asks, motioning toward the living room.
I shake my head. I hate baseball. He knows it. “I was wondering if Mom wanted to sit on the back deck for a while. I’ve been stuck on a plane for most of the day and could use some fresh air.”
Dad looks relieved. “I wouldn’t want to impede on girl time.”
“Do you want something to eat before we head out?” Mom asks.
I haven’t had anything since the cupcake back in New York. “Peanut butter and jelly,” I say, wrinkling my nose.
She pats my back. “I’m glad Chicago hasn’t changed you too much.”
While she puts together my sandwich, I go out to the deck leaning against the railing. A cool summer breeze blows through my hair as I look out to the mature trees that fill the back yard and listen to the crickets.
I hear the patio door slide and turn around, watching Mom carry a plate and glass of milk to the table. “This should do it.”
“Is that your homemade bread?”
“Did you think I was going to make you something on store bought bread? Never.”
I kick my heels off and take a seat across from her. The first bite goes down easily and before I know it, it’s half gone. It’s a good thing my nausea wore off after lunch.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” she finally asks after I down my glass of milk.
“You’re not going to like it.”
“Nothing you can say is going to make me love you any less. Remember that.” If I’m half the mom she is, my baby will be lucky.
“I’m pregnant.” My hands shake under the table as I wait for her reaction.
Her eyes widen as she takes a visible deep breath. “I guess I didn’t realize you had a boyfriend.”
This is the part that stings the most. “I don’t.”
Her elbows hit the table, hands framing her face.
I continue, “I met a guy after I moved there—Mallory’s older brother, actually. We’ve been seeing each other on and off.” I purposefully leave out Pierce. She doesn’t need to hear all that.
“Where are you now?”
“Off.”
“Oh, baby, your dad and I will help you with whatever it is you need. Have you been to the doctor yet?”
Shaking my head, I say, “Not yet. I was hoping I could get in with Dr. Phelps while I’m here.”
“We’ll give her a call in the morning.” She pauses. “Do you want to know a secret?”
“You have a secret?”
She holds up her index finger. “Just one.”
“Spill.”
“I got pregnant with you before I married your dad. Our parents put together a wedding in two weeks to try to make it look like you were a honeymoon baby.”
I’m not sure if she can see my eyes in the darkness, but they have to be at least double in size. “No freaking way.”
“Shocking, huh?”
“Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t have anyone for you to make me marry.”
She laughs. “I would never even suggest it. Besides, I love your dad so much, it would have happened at one time or another.”
More time passes. I finish the last of my sandwich as I enjoy the quiet serenity.
“Can we wait a couple days to tell Dad? I want to go to the doctor and all that before I tell anyone else.”
“What do you want me to tell him?”
I shrug. “Just tell him I needed a break. There’s no lie in that.”
“True. You look exhausted. Why don’t you head to bed, and we can talk more in the morning. I’ll even make you waffles with strawberries if you want.”
“Let’s try dry toast. The last couple mornings have been a little rough.”
“I had the same thing with you. It will be over soon, hopefully.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I say as she picks up my dishes.
“For what?”
“For not making me feel any worse than I already do. Loneliness is the worst feeling, and I was scared how you would react,” I admit.
“If there is one thing I never want you to forget, it’s that I’ll always be there. Always. Don’t you ever question that.”
I follow her in the kitchen, waiting for her to set the dishes in the sink before wrapping my arms tightly around her. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. Now get some sleep.”
It’s been months since I’ve been in my old room, and it hasn’t changed one bit. It has the same white four-poster bed. Same white comforter and pale yellow walls. After pulling on one of my old sleep shirts, I find a toothbrush and everything else I need in my bathroom. Within minutes, I’m tucked under the covers and drifting off to sleep.
I hear pounding, but ignore it, tossing to my other side. Dad’s always had this thing about getting up before the sun rises and tinkering in the garage.
Two more pounds then it stops. I drift off yet again.
A hand rests on my hip, shaking me carefully. “Lila! Lila!” My dad yells—at least it sounds like he’s yelling.
I rub my eyes and look to the alarm clock. It’s only 4:15. “What is it?”
“There’s a guy here to see you. I told him to get his ass out of here, but he won’t listen.”
“Who?” I ask, sitting up.
“I don’t know. Do you want to come down and see or should I tell him to get the hell off my property?” he asks. My dad has always been my shield.
“I’ll go, Daddy. Why don’t you go back to bed?” It can only be one of two men; I can handle both.
He lifts his finger. I can barely see him in the darkness. “I’m coming with you until I know you’re okay. This guy looks a little worse for wear.”
Without another word, I follow him down the steps to the foyer. His back is to me, but I know it’s him right away. “Blake,” I whisper, trying not to make him jump.
He spins around immediately. His hair is mussed. His shirt is wrinkled. And I’ve seen those circles around his eyes before; he hasn’t slept in a couple days.
“You can go to bed now, Daddy.”
“You sure?” he whispers near my ear.
I nod, never taking my eyes off Blake.
“If you need anything, come get me,” he says before he walks back up the stairs.
Blake walks toward me slowly. His hands come up when he’s close enough to touch me, but they fall back down to his sides. “I need to talk to you.”
“How did you get here?”
“I drove.”
“When was the last time you slept?”
He buries his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I don’t remember.”
Even with the anger and frustration I have with him, my heart easily overrides it all … for now anyway. When you know what I
know about him—his past and how great he can be—it puts the negatives through a heavy strain. Especially when I see him like this.
I take his hand in mine. He responds, his whole face relaxing. I could throw him a pillow and show him the couch, but I lead him to my room, closing the door tightly behind us.
“Do you need something to sleep in?” I ask, shuffling things around in my drawer. Derek left his things here a time or two.
I look back when he doesn’t answer, and he’s already stripped down to his boxer briefs. “I’m good.”
“There’s an extra toothbrush in the bathroom,” I say pointing toward it.
He comes to me like a lion on the prowl, holding my face in his hands. “I need to talk to you. Everything else can wait until later.”
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. “Can we at least lay in the bed? I’m so tired.”
His grip on me loosens, and he takes my hand to lead me to the bed. I crawl into one side. He takes the other. I lie on my back. He towers over me, holding his head up. “Why didn’t you come home?” he asks.
“I’m tired of you running. I’m not doing this anymore.”
“Who ran this time?” he asks.
“It’s not running if I don’t have anything to run from.”
“You have me,” he answers, brushing the pad of his thumb across my cheek.
“I’ve never had you, Blake. You come and go … you never stay long enough for me to consider you mine.” My voice reflects the sadness my heart feels. It’s hard when you love someone, but you don’t feel it back.
His hand lays flat on my stomach, and my whole body tenses. “When you said you were pregnant the other night, I panicked. I shouldn’t have left, but I didn’t know what else to do. I’m so used to being alone that sometimes that’s the only way I know how to be.”
“You can’t run out every time things get hard. I know you’ve had some bad times—really bad times, but that can’t be your excuse forever. We all get dealt shit Blake, but that doesn’t mean it has to ruin the rest of your life.”
“When you get back to Chicago, there’s something I want to show you. Something I’ve never shown anyone.”
“What’s that?” I ask.
“I’d rather show you.”
There’s a few seconds of silence. Warm tears roll down my cheeks. “I don’t want to do this alone,” I admit.