Deep in thought, I think about David’s behaviour and how it’s affecting our friendship. It’s like he’s a jealous boyfriend. But that doesn’t make any sense. I thought he didn’t want to cross that line. Had he seriously been about to kiss me? I try to convince myself I imagined it as I throw pieces of flat bread to the pigeons milling about on the pavement. Because I must have. David would never…
When the space between my eyes hurts, I need a distraction, turning my thoughts to Elliot—kind, sweet, and obviously interested in me Elliot. When we’re together, things are nice and simple. I know he wants me, but what I can’t understand is how he can so easily switch his feelings off when we’re in the office. It’s like the weekend didn’t even happen…
And now I’m more confused than ever.
With a shake of my head, I try to clear my thoughts as my angst ridden stomach twists and sours. I watch the pigeons fight over the last of my wrap until I spot Kayley waving and moving toward me.
“Well, this isn’t something I get to see every day: Katrina Mahoney, sitting around on her lunch hour. Shouldn’t you be off with David or running around a park somewhere?”
A hollow sound replaces my laugh. “Not today, Kayley. I'm just doing my own thing this time.”
Lowering herself to sit next to me, she gives me a look of concern. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Turning my head to meet her friendly face, I feel a sudden rush of emotion as my eyes threaten to spill my confusion out in the open. I blink rapidly, concentrating on the pigeons to keep my control.
“I’m just all over the place. I’m supposed to be preparing for the selection races coming up and getting ready for exams in a couple of weeks. But instead of focusing on those, I’m fighting with my best friend and attempting to have inappropriate relationships. It’s all too much for me to deal with. I feel way out of my depth.”
My phone chooses that moment to beep, telling me I have a message. Hope swirls in my chest that it’s David. Then I sigh in frustration upon seeing the screen.
Good luck this weekend. Thinking of you. Love Christopher.
“Noooo.” I bounce the word in my chest as a frustrated cry.
“What? What is it?” Kayley grabs for my phone and reads the text. “Who’s Christopher? My God. How many men do you have after you?”
“That’s my ex. And this is not a good thing.”
“Doesn’t want to accept it’s over?” She hands back my phone.
“Not really. I get a call or a text from him every now and then—from a private number so I can’t block it. Normally, I just ignore them. But right now, it’s the last thing I need. I have two men in my life that I desperately want to call or text me, and the only one that does is the guy I don’t want anything to do with.”
“Sounds like you have a lot going on,” she says kindly.
“When did my life become a soap opera? What happened to having fun, going out with friends and going to Uni?”
“I don’t know. But if you ever want to talk about things, I’m happy to listen. No judgements, no repeating, just an ear to hear your troubles.”
“I appreciate that. I think I’m mainly upset not talking to David. It’s not normal for us not to hang out or at least talk every day. I feel…” I struggle to find the right words. “I feel empty without him.”
“Perhaps you should stop throwing your lunch at the birds and call him?” she suggests, lightly touching my arm in sympathy.
“Maybe…I just don’t know if he wants to hear from me at the moment.“
“Well, there’s only one way to find out. And what’s the worst that can happen? He doesn’t take your call?“
“You’re right,” I sigh. “I know you’re right. I can’t sit here waiting for everyone to come to me.” I stand up, deciding that I’d rather call him from my desk instead of on a noisy city street. “I’ll head back. You coming, or staying out here a while longer?”
“I thought I’d go and grab a coffee across the street before I head back. Hope you sort things out with David.”
Nodding, I give her an appreciative smile as I leave to walk back to my office’s building. I’m going to skip training tonight and ask David if he wants to go and have dinner so we can talk on our own, discuss exactly why we’re upset with each other and actually listen to what the other has to say. Cards on the table type stuff. It’s time to be honest or this fight will just keep happening until it eventually tears us apart. And I don’t want that. I’m sure he doesn’t want that either.
Just as I round the corner to enter the building, I freeze. Because standing just inside the entrance is Beth, Bianca and…David. Placing my hand on my stomach, I take a step to the side to watch the exchange unseen. Vile betrayer! How could he?
David says something then laughs as Beth touches his arm flirtatiously. My breathing grows difficult, and my heart leaps into my throat. Painfully strangling me as I witness him lean in and kiss Beth goodbye before he starts toward the door.
Oh god. I feel sick.
Not wanting to be spotted, I quickly turn and cross the street to the coffee vendor where Kayley is lining up. He’s supposed to be my best friend. Why? Why would he be in my building kissing my colleague like they’re friends now? All while hanging around the one girl who makes my working life more difficult. Betrayer. Betrayer. Betrayer.
I want to scream. What’s going on?
My eyes burn, and I have to take a few deep breaths on my way over to Kayley so I can calm down before I can speak to her.
“Everything OK?” she asks.
“I thought the coffee sounded like a great idea,” I say with faked brightness, shooting a glance over her shoulder as David meanders down the street back to his work. My chest hurts. Why?
Smiling, she offers to buy my coffee, which I gratefully accept, promising to get the next one. By the time we get our coffees upstairs, I feel a little calmer. Although, my turmoil returns when we hit reception and Beth is in deep conversation with Bianca.
I take a deep breath and try to walk through without reacting, but Bianca doesn’t seem to have the same level of restraint.
“Ever get the feeling you’re being replaced?” she asks.
I stop and close my eyes, taking a calming breath as Kayley urges me to keep walking. Then I catch Beth stifling a giggle behind her hand, and I just can’t help myself.
“Last I saw, it was you hanging off David, Bianca. I think you’re the one he passed over.”
She scoffs. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“And neither do you.”
“You know, Katrina,” Beth starts, moving like a cat towards me. I’m thinking about replacing my earlier assessment of her. She doesn’t seem nice at all, she seems predatory. Now her friendship with Bianca makes sense. “David doesn’t need you. You can run off with your little Irish boyfriends and aloof solicitors all you like. I got the better end of this deal. David will be fine with me.”
I almost snort. “David doesn’t do relationships,” I tell her flatly.
“Oh, that was before he quit you. So, we’ll see about that,” Beth says boldly.
I actually laugh. But before I can say anything more, Kayley pulls on my arm. “Come inside, Katrina. This isn’t getting you anywhere.”
As much as I want to put these bitches in their place, I listen to her voice of reason, heading back to the library, trying to immerse myself in work. I curse that my job isn’t more complicated, because my mind keeps going back to David. Why would he want to pursue either of those girls? Is it to hurt me? Could he be that cruel?
Pulling out my phone, I type out about a hundred different messages to him, none of which I send. Because I don’t understand. Am I losing my best friend? After eleven years, has he actually quit me? My heart squeezes in my chest, and I drop my phone back inside my bag. All I want to do is go home and fall asleep until this is all over. Maybe it’ll just be a bad dream.
Twenty-Two
I don�
��t go to work on Wednesday. Why? Because I’m a big ole chicken. I can’t face Bianca. I can’t face Beth. I can’t even face the thought of seeing Elliot because I’m too emotional to keep my cool. Too upset to sit in that office and pretend I’m fine when inside, I’m dying. I’m losing my friend.
When Elliot calls to ask if I’m OK, I tell him I have a special swim coach booked for some pointers before my race on Saturday. I’m lying again. But when I don’t understand the truth, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to talk about it. So I lie in bed. I stare at the ceiling. I even go for a long bike ride with a few of the guys at my triathlon club. But I can’t get rid of the confusion in my mind and heart. Especially when each thump in my vein feels like it’s saying one word: why.
I know. I should be proactive, try to talk to David. Our friendship is too important to just let it go. We’ve been through too much and mean too much to each other. I guess that’s why this tension hurts so much. It seems cruel and unusual and I’m struggling to make any sense of it.
But what if he really is dating Beth now?
That question alone keeps me from picking up the phone or texting. I think I’d die inside if that turned out to be true. I’ve spent years dealing with the fact he would never want a relationship with anyone. If it turned out he was just waiting for the right person, and that person was Beth? God. I don’t think I could handle that. Was the idea of being with me that hideous to him?
Deciding to get a jumpstart on my exam preparation, I pull out my iPad and my uni books, picking out important points to make up study cards. It keeps my brain occupied until my brother sticks his head inside my room. “Oi, suckface. Wanna take a study break and walk up the shops with me?”
Shaking my head, I laugh a little. “Gee, Tom. When you ask so nicely, how can I refuse?”
I pull on a pair of shoes and meet him at the front door. “Why aren’t you at work today?” he asks.
“I could say the same to you.” I shoot him a smile, nudging him with my elbow as we walk along the footpath.
“Yeah. But we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you.”
“Why are we talking about me?”
“Uh. Let’s see… You never take a day off for anything. Even when you were in the hospital after that douche beat you up, you were trying to walk laps around the hospital. Pulling a sickie for work isn’t normal for you.”
“I needed a mental health day,” I say with a shrug. “I didn’t realise how much stress filling my life to the brim would cause.”
“Sounds like bullshit to me,” he says, calling me out. Which I do my best to ignore.
“So, how’s your girlfriend? I never see you anymore,” I enquire, trying to get him to switch topics.
It works. His face goes all soft at the thought of her. “She’s great, actually. I let her meet Mum and Dad on Saturday.”
“Wow, that’s pretty epic for you. I’m sorry I missed it.”
“That’s OK. You were off getting plundered.”
“Plundered?” I roll my eyes. “Is this how you talk to your girlfriend?”
“Her name is Daniella. And yes, she loves a good plundering.”
“Oh my god. Please don’t talk to me about you and Daniella doing—” a disgusted shudder runs down my spine, and I have to shake it off. “Just. Don’t.”
He laughs, always loving it whenever he gets the chance to gross me out. “On a serious note, I’m glad you’re moving on from that last guy. It’s about time. You're young. You shouldn’t worry about dickheads like Christopher.”
“Yeah,” I say, flashing him a small smile. It’s hard to feel enthusiastic about a new relationship when another one is crumbling to bits.
“What’s up? Isn’t this one treating you nicely? Do I have to beat him up?” He thumps his fist against his hand.
“Violence won’t be necessary. This guy—Elliot—he’s fine, nice.”
“Ugh. He sounds like a yawn.”
“He’s not. We get along great. It’s just… things are complicated because we work together. That’s all.”
“Complicated, huh?”
I nod, not wanting to elaborate.
“You seem pretty mopey for a girl in a new relationship. Aren’t you supposed to be running through fields of wildflowers right now, sighing all the time?”
“It’s not the relationship that has me down. David and I are going through a bit of weirdness right now.”
“Ah. I knew there had to be something going on. What kind of weirdness?”
“We got into a fight.”
“About?”
Letting out a sigh, I glance his way. “Every time we go somewhere there’s a set of rules for him, and a set of rules for me. He can flirt and carry on with anyone he likes, but when I do it, he makes it this huge problem.”
“Do you think he’s jealous?”
“Of me? No. I don’t know. Sometimes I think he’s being a chauvinistic arsehole. Other times, I think he wants to pin me down like a butterfly and put me on a shelf so people can look but not touch. Does that make sense?”
“Oddly.” He nods.
“I actually thought he would kiss me the other day,” I confide, twisting my fingers together.
“Whoa. How did that happen?”
“It was when we were fighting. Things got really intense and then there was this moment, and…” I shake my head. “I don’t know. I probably imagined it. Maybe he wanted to headbutt me.” I flash Tom a smile.
“That’s not funny,” he says, even though he laughs.
I let out a sigh. “The point is, I don’t really know what’s going on with him. I feel like he’s holding something huge back.”
“Like a declaration of undying love and devotion?”
“Or the desire to blow us up. I feel anger and resentment coming off him. What if he’s just sick of me? What if he thinks I’m holding him back?”
“Then he’s a cunt and I’ll go and beat him up.”
“I thought you liked David.”
“I do. But you mess with my sister, I’ll mess with you.”
“You can’t beat up the world for me, Tom.”
“Eh. It’s what big brothers are for.” He shrugs, and we walk in silence for a few beats before he turns to me again. “All jokes aside—and this is all I’m gonna say about it: one of these days, you and David are gonna have to admit your feelings for each other. Everyone can see it besides you two. You aren’t fooling anyone but yourselves.”
Furrowing my brow, I drop my eyes to the ground, having nothing to say. I’ve been over this so many times before. I’m not trying to fool myself—I know how I feel about David. It’s David who made it clear he doesn’t want me. And he’s never told me any different. Simple as that.
* * *
The next day, I stand outside the lecture hall waiting to go inside, my eyes scanning arriving students, hoping to find David. After spending another night tossing and turning, I need to talk to him. It’s only been a few days, but I’m not coping without him in my life. I want to see if he’ll meet me after class so we can talk and finally clear the air between us like I wanted to on Monday before I let Beth and Bianca get in my head. But I can’t see him anywhere.
My phone beeps with a message from Elliot. Counting down the hours. Please tell me you’ll be at work tomorrow.
Distracting me at the perfect time, I smile as I send a reply that lets him know he’ll see me. My thumbs move quickly as I add: But no training for me the day before a race. Maybe lunch??? I watch the screen as I wait for his reply.
Would love to. But too risky. See you Saturday instead? Don’t forget to send me the details for your race.
Crap. I totally forgot. Tapping out the information he needs, I push the disappointed feeling over his refusal of lunch as deep down as I can. It’s too risky. He’s right.
Once the message is sent through, I check the time before putting my phone away. The lecture is almost due to start and David still isn’t here. I head insi
de and find a seat.
It isn’t until about ten minutes into the lecture that I spot David arriving. He sneaks in through the far door and sits in the very back row. His head down the entire time, not even looking for me.
My eyes burn with the pain of unshed tears. Why is he doing this to us?
When the lecture is over, I scramble out of my seat. He makes a beeline for the door, but I’m not letting him run away from me. We need to talk. It needs to be face-to-face.
Jogging, I catch him just outside the building as he heads in the direction of the parking lot.
“David!”
He stops and looks up to the sky as if he can’t believe I’m coming after him. He doesn’t even turn to look at me, just stands there until I’m by his side.
“What do you want, Katrina?” he asks flatly.
“To talk to you.”
“Well, I don’t want to talk to you.” He moves to the side to move around me, but I place my hand against his chest and block him.
“Why are you being like this?”
“Because I’m pissed at you. I thought that was clear on Saturday.”
“I thought you would have calmed down by now.”
“Well, I haven’t.” He moves to the side again. “If you don’t mind.”
I push against his chest again. “Yes, David. I do mind. We need to talk.”
He narrows his eyes. “Talk? That’s rich, because I’m pretty sure all you want is for me to fall back in line, worship at your feet, bolster your ego while you fawn over your latest muscle-bound guy who treats you like shit. No.” He shakes his head. “I’m not going to be that guy for you anymore. I won’t be the guy who consoles you and tells you you’re pretty while he messes with your head, whispering sweet nothings in private while pretending you don’t exist in public.”
Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one Page 19