Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one

by Anderson, Lilliana

  I shook my head. “No. She's full of shit.”

  “Told you she was lying!” Loren’s best friend, Erin yelled back, laughing as she pointed in Loren’s face. “You owe me five bucks. No girl’s first time is that awesome.”

  Despite my shitty night, I laughed, suddenly feeling that bit lighter. Finally, someone believed me.

  * * *

  The dance was officially over by ten, which was when Trina’s dad picked us up and drove us home. Since we didn’t end up calling him earlier, he had no idea we’d argued. But he didn’t need the inside scoop to know something was going on. We barely said a word to each other the entire ride home.

  “Bad time?” he asked, keeping his voice even.

  “David can just be a real jerk sometimes,” Katrina said, folding her arms tightly over her chest and staring out the window.

  Mr Mahoney met my eyes in the rear-view mirror and raised his eyebrows in question. I shrugged then looked out the window on my side, wanting this night to be over. I was buzzing with aggravation. At Cassie for starting the rumour, at Brett and everyone else for spreading it. But mostly at Katrina for even questioning me after I told her it was a lie. She was supposed to have my back. It’s what best friends did. They didn’t get all crazy and accusatory the moment some unfounded gossip surfaced. They were supposed to defend each other to the death. At least that’s how I saw things, anyway. I’d never believe anything about Katrina unless she admitted it to me herself. It was bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit.

  “Thanks for the ride, Mr Mahoney,” I said once he pulled up outside my house. “Trina.” I nodded in her direction as I opened the car door. She briefly met my eyes before looking straight ahead, effectively giving me the cold shoulder. Suppressing the desire to slam the car door, I pushed it closed with gentle fingers then went straight inside to where my mother was waiting up for me.

  “How was it?” she asked the moment the door clicked shut.

  Joining her on the couch, I stared at the TV and released an exaggerated sigh. “Shit.”

  “David. Language.”

  “Sorry.” I wasn’t sorry. It was the truth.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  Pressing my lips together, I contemplated how my mum would react hearing what went down that night. I was risking her never letting me out of the house again if she even suspected the rumours were true.

  But I needed to get it off my chest, to have someone close to me believe my version of events. So, I took a deep breath and started. “Everyone thinks I had sex with Cassie Green.”

  “They think?”

  I then told her the PG version of what happened between us, and how the rumour went crazy. Then I told her how I reacted when I saw Katrina with Ben.

  “You practically dragged her out of there?” she asked incredulously. “Oh David, that was way out of line. I know you love Katrina—”

  “I don’t love her,” I interrupted, angry she was jumping to conclusions just like everyone else.

  “David. Let me finish. I was meaning you love her like family. That you feel protective of her. But you can’t protect her from everyone and everything. She needs to make her own mistakes. Everyone does.”

  “I just don’t want to hear them talking about her the way they talk about the other girls.”

  “Then maybe it’s time you and Katrina got some better friends.”

  * * *

  Later that night, I laid in bed, tossing and turning because I couldn’t sleep. Eventually, I gave up, put my clothes and shoes on and climbed out my window. Ever since I first went to her window the night my dad left, I’d gone back whenever I was troubled about something. Even if we didn’t talk, she always made me feel better.

  Even though at least half of my annoyance was directed at her, I still needed to see her. My world didn’t feel right knowing she was also pissed at me.

  “What are you doing here, David?” she asked through the screen. “Haven’t you done enough?”

  “Trina, I don’t want to fight. Just let me in. I want to talk.”

  With a disgruntled sigh, she twisted the hinges that locked the screen in place and popped it out for me to catch. I placed it on the ground beside me and climbed through, tumbling when my foot got caught. I landed on the floor with a thud and Trina standing over me with her arms crossed.

  “I hope you’re not planning on sleeping here.”

  “I plan on talking until we’re us again.”

  She pursed her lips and adjusted her stance as I sat back up. “Why don’t you want me to have a boyfriend?”

  “It’s not about that. It’s just… I let everyone else’s opinion get to me.” Letting out my breath, I sat on her bed and recounted the whole evening for her. Telling her exactly what happened with Cassie, and then how Brian told me all the guys were trying to get lucky because it seemed like the girls were giving away their virginity. “In the same breath he told me Ben was with you, and I guess I just freaked out. You don’t hear how those guys talk, Trina. They don’t care about the girls they’re with.”

  “And you do?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t pretend with them.”

  “How is that any different?”

  “Because I’m not feeding them lies to get in their pants.”

  “And how many pants have you gotten into? The rumours suggest you’re a regular Don Juan.”

  “I’m not. And I don’t share information, so they like making shit up.” My sexual experience was mostly heavy petting and a bit of oral. Once things went all the way, so technically, I wasn’t a virgin. But it was over so fast, I doubt it counted. It was pretty fucking embarrassing, actually.

  Sighing, she sat down on her bed, sliding back until she was pressed against the wall. “I believed you about Cassie, you know. She’s been bragging about letting you punch her V-card for a while now.”

  “And you didn’t think to warn me?”

  She shrugged. “I didn’t want to know. It’s weird enough listening to them all. It's like a few of the girls have decided that just because they’re sixteen and legally allowed to have sex now they need to give up their virginity as soon as possible. And since they all think that to be with you means they have to have sex, you’re a bit of a hot topic. Cassie claimed you though, so the others have to pick someone else.”

  My stomach twisted uncomfortably. “That’s insane.” I shook my head. “How does she get to claim me?” Trina gave me another shrug. “Well, it’s not going to happen. I don’t date, and besides that, they’ve got it all wrong. I don’t expect girls to…” I ran a hand over my face and exhaled a heavy breath. This conversation was getting awkward.

  “It doesn’t matter, David. It’s none of my business, anyway. I’m just glad I’m still fifteen so I can use that as my excuse to stay out of it all. I hate how focused on sex everyone has become. I’ve barely kissed a guy. I’m not ready to go all the way just yet.” Hearing those words made me feel a little calmer. She wasn’t ready. Thank god.

  “I count you as my first kiss,” I said, needing her to understand it was important to me. While I was never going to be relationship material, I was always going to hold on to that moment. A flash of innocence and beauty before my world fell apart and became more difficult than it already was. I’d wanted my dad to go, but I wasn’t prepared for the reality of it—my mum’s depression, my own feelings of inadequacy when I found her crying over our finances. It all sucked. And Trina was the only constant in there. She didn’t change. Until now. Now, we’re growing up. Everything is changing. She’s interested in other guys.

  You can’t protect her from everything.

  “I shouldn’t have said it didn’t count,” she said, sliding forward on the bed. “I’m sorry.” Then she slipped her arms around my neck, sighing as she gripped me tightly. “I’m glad my first kiss was with you.”

  Hugging her back, I inhaled deeply, taking great comfort in the smell of her hair, her skin. I didn’t know if it was her soap or her sham
poo, but it smelled like home to me.

  Pulling away, she looked into my eyes. “Can we make a deal here and now?”

  “Sure,” I replied, drawing the word out.

  “We stay completely out of each other’s relationships. I don’t ever question you about your hookups or the rumours I hear. And you don’t get to go all big brother on me every time you see me with a guy. I already have a big brother, and he’s protective enough all on his own. You’re my best friend, and I want it to be that way forever. If we start letting our friendship get mixed up in this relationship stuff, then it’s going to ruin us.”

  “I don’t get to look out for you anymore?” I asked, clenching my jaw in the knowledge that it would be a hard task to accomplish.

  “Look out for me, sure. Just no more dragging me out of places.”

  “OK. I suppose I can do that.”

  “I’m serious. I need your word on this one.”

  “I said I’d do it. It’s fine, Trina. I give you my word.” I added a smile to reassure her, even though I hated the idea of letting any guy touch her. But my mum was right, I had to let her make her own choices and mistakes or she’d end up hating me.

  “Thank you, David.” She grabbed my face and kissed my cheek happily. “Now go home so we can both get some sleep.”

  “Ugh. Can’t I just crash here?” I relaxed back on the bed, lacing my fingers across my chest the way I had many times before.”

  Sighing, she curled up beside me, her head on my shoulder as I unlaced my fingers and hugged her to me. “I don’t think this is what regular best friends do,” she said as I pulled the blanket up to her shoulders and kicked my shoes to the floor.

  “I don’t care about anyone else,” I said, closing my eyes, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I only care about us.”

  “Best friends forever,” she whispered, her breath tickling against my neck.

  “Best friends forever.”

  Four

  Over the next few months, the pact Trina and I made was seriously put to the test. Ben started hanging around like a bad smell, and I was getting a lot more attention from the other girls thanks to Cassie’s claims.

  Sometimes when we were alone, these heavy silences would fall on us, filled with the questions we promised not to ask. It was difficult in some ways and better in others. I kind of liked having a version of Katrina that was all my own, a person no one in our friend group got the chance to see. It was like we existed in a world of our own. Everything and everyone else was separate.

  Cassie’s over the top pursuit of me continued, and it was only after we had an argument after school where she apologised and promised never to spread rumours about me again that I relaxed around her. I never hated her. But I did hate the lies. So as long as she could keep her story straight, she and I could be cool.

  Besides, Cassie’s parents worked a lot and were seriously lax in their parental supervision when they were home. So our group spent a lot of weekends at Cassie’s house, having parties in her Granny flat. Every teenager would love their family to have one for them to hang out in. It had one bedroom, a bathroom, a small living area with a simple kitchen, and it was right by the pool. That year, the heat of summer stretched on and on. It was close to winter and it was still warm enough to swim some days, and on the days it wasn’t, we could use the heated spa. Cassie’s place had everything.

  It was about two weeks in to the second term of school when we were all there, hanging out again. Katrina had gone to sit by Cassie’s pool and ‘talk’ to Ben. Code for ‘they where going to make out’. I did my best to keep my attention on what was happening inside. Most of us were drinking. Brian was balancing an empty beer bottle on his forehead. Terry had his stopwatch going to measure how long he could keep it up. Riveting stuff.

  “Can I talk to you?” Cassie asked, coming up to stand beside me, her eyes bright.

  “Sure.” I shrugged, turning towards her while covertly glancing outside where Trina and Ben were sitting together with their feet in the water. Her head was on his shoulder. This really shouldn’t bother me.

  “In private,” she said, inclining her head toward the bedroom door.

  I followed her eyes and then looked back at her. “I don’t know if I want to do that, Cassie. You kind of made shit up about me last time we were alone.”

  “Well, that’s kind of what I want to talk to you about,” she whispered, giving me one of those big round eyed pouty looks that girls are so good at. “Please. It’s important.”

  “Fine,” I said, earning a broad triumphant grin from her before she led me into the room under the watchful eyes of everyone else in the flat.

  Now, Cassie was hot. She’d grown her hair, and it fell into these long glossy blonde waves that touched just below her shoulder blades. She had big blue eyes, full lips, and curves in all the right places. I was attracted to her looks, but I was wary of her personality. I wasn’t sure what I was about to get myself into by entering the room with her.

  “Firstly, I want to let you know that I’ve been trying to set the record straight. I should never have let them think that we had sex when we didn’t.”

  “You admitted to lying?” I leaned against the wall while she stood in front of me. This seemed a little too good to be true.

  “I told them we dry humped. Which is the truth.”

  If you counted the way she rubbed herself against me, it was a very loose version of the truth.

  “Well, I guess that’s better than them thinking we fucked.” I pushed my weight off the wall and thumbed to the door. “Is that all?”

  “No. I… I like you, Dave. I wanted to know if you’d consider going out with me officially?”

  I wasn’t expecting that.

  “Like, be your boyfriend?”

  “Well yeah, that’s what ‘going out’ means doesn’t it?”

  Awkward. I lifted a hand and rubbed the back of my head. “Um, listen, Cassie. You’re pretty and all, but I’m not interested in having a girlfriend.”

  “So you’ll dry hump me, but you won’t actually date me?”

  Wow. “If I recall correctly, it was you doing the dry humping.”

  “It’s because of Katrina isn’t it?”

  “What? Why would it be about Katrina?”

  “Because you’re like, always together.”

  “She’s my best friend,” I sighed. I felt that by this point, it was all the explanation that was required.

  Cassie sat down on the bed and folded her arms across her chest, her eyes watering.

  “I’m sorry, Cass. I’m not trying to upset you. I just don’t want a girlfriend. I never have. It has nothing to do with you, or Katrina, or anyone else for that matter. It’s a decision I made a long time ago. I’m not boyfriend material.”

  “Don’t you want me at all?”

  Feeling sorry for her, I sat next to her and lifted her chin so she was looking at me. “Cassie, you’ve got a mirror. You know you’re gorgeous. Plenty of guys want you, including me. But there are guys out there who want you and want to call you their girlfriend. It’s just…after seeing what a relationship did to my parents, I’m never going down that path.”

  And that’s when she kissed me. At first, I didn’t respond, but then a selfish little voice inside me said, ‘What the hell? She knows the stakes, and they all think you’re in here screwing her, anyway.’ So I went with it, and this time when she reached for my belt… I let her.

  * * *

  I wish I could say that was the one and only time Cassie and I had sex. But it wasn’t. I guess for me, I knew that despite Cassie trying to set the record straight about that night of the dance, everyone thought we were fucking, anyway. At least this way, they were spreading the truth for a change. And since Cassie understood that sucking my dick on a regular basis didn’t give her girlfriend status, I was fine with returning the favour. We learned a lot about each other’s anatomy over the following weeks. I wasn’t complaining.

  “Is it t
rue that you’re messing around with Cassie?” Trina asked on the bus home from school a few weeks later. Her relationship with Ben had become more serious, and while we still spent most of our free time together, she had a lot less of it these days.

  “I thought we were going to stay out of each other’s relationships? I haven’t asked you about Ben,” I responded, uncomfortable in the conversation. I needed Cassie and Trina to stay separate in my mind. Neither could have information about the other.

  “Yeah but… you’re not in a relationship with her are you? I mean, you just have sex with her then pretend she doesn’t exist.”

  Honestly, I couldn’t meet her eyes. My own reasoning over the situation made me OK with it, but hearing Katrina’s take on it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I’m not doing anything wrong.

  Instead of admitting that maybe using Cassie was a bad idea, I reiterated to myself that Cassie knew what we were. She had no illusions that we were more than fuck buddies. I wasn’t hurting anyone.

  I scrunched my brows together and flashed a dark glare in Trina’s direction. “Leave it alone, Trina. If I wanted to talk to you about it, I would have brought it up myself.”

  Her mouth fell open but I didn’t give her the chance to respond, heading to the back of the bus in a huff instead. I slid up against the window, staring out as I chewed on my thumbnail and bounced my leg in agitation.

  Who the hell is she to question my sex life? We made a deal to ignore rumours, to remain oblivious to the other’s attachments, to never let those emotions affect us. We were important.

  I know she glanced at me a couple of times. I’d hurt her feelings, but I was hurt too, possibly embarrassed. There was nothing quite like having a mirror held up to make you feel shit about yourself.

  As we got off the bus, Katrina was waiting for me so we could walk together. “Do you still want to come over and do our homework? I promise not to ask you anymore questions about… well, you know.”