by Cathryn Fox
I stand there for a second longer, take in the deep sadness on his face. It guts me, and all I want to do is pull him to me, hug him, tell him how sorry I am, that everything will be okay. But I don’t think he wants that from me, and I’m not so sure he’ll ever be okay. He exposed a side of himself he never wanted me, or anyone, to see, and that couldn’t have been easy for him.
He glances over his shoulder and rakes a hand though his hair. “I understand if you don’t want—”
“I do,” I say quickly. He’d lashed out at me in anger, because he was hurt, and he’s here trying to apologize. I get that. “Where are we going?”
His shoulders relax slightly. “Can you just trust me on this?”
I nod, and he reaches out and brushes his thumb over my damp cheek. His mouth turns down, and he swallows. “Grab a sweater, and wear your sneakers.”
I note that he’s in jeans, sneakers and a hoodie, so I run to my room and dress the same. Night will soon be here, and despite the heat wave, our nights are still cool.
He guides me to his other vehicle, a Jeep, and we mainly sit in silence as he drives out of town. I glance around, but have no idea what he’s up to or where he’s taking me.
My eyes widen and my heart speeds up when he takes the exit to Auburn Municipal Airport.
“What’s going on?” I ask, my gaze going from his smirking face to all the hangars as we pass.
“What part of ‘surprise’ don’t you understand?”
“Are we going on a plane?”
“Not a plane.”
“Then what are we doing at the airport?”
“You’ll see.”
He parks, grabs a backpack from the back, and captures my hand. When I hesitate, he gives a little tug to set me in motion, and I follow him. A few minutes later we’re standing behind the counter of Helicopter Rentals and Charters.
“No way,” I say, then worry trickles through me. “Wait, you’re not going to make me jump out of a plane, are you?”
He laughs. “No.”
“Ah, push me out?”
“Jesus, Nina. Of course not.”
“Whew,” I say. “I know you’re mad at me—”
“Mad at myself.”
I go quiet at that, and he turns back to the man at the counter. “I called earlier.”
I stand back as they exchange information, and as Cole drops a credit card on the counter, I walk to the window to see the helicopter and pilot outside.
“All set,” Cole says, coming up behind me.
His hands slide around my body, hook over my stomach, and he puts his mouth close to my ear. His breath is warm against my skin as we just stand there, no talking, just being together like this.
I close my hands over his, and we stand there a moment longer, holding on to one another like it might be the last time we do. An uneasy feeling moves through me, giving me the sense that this is it between us.
But I don’t want this to be the end of us. I made a mistake, though had I known, had Cole opened up to me, told me the truth, it never would have happened. But he doesn’t really open up. I’ve only caught glimpses of the real Cole when his guard was down, and he tries very hard to never let that happen, and never in public.
“It’s getting late, we’d better hurry,” he finally says, breaking the moment.
“Is there is someplace we have to be?” I ask, assuming we’re just going on a tour.
“Yeah.”
His hand closes around mine—big, warm and strong—and I glance up at him, take in the tightness of his jaw. I follow him out, meet the pilot, Greg, and climb into the seat behind him. Cole sits next to me and, after we buckle up, we’re equipped with headphones and a mouthpiece so we can all speak to each other. Cole’s hand captures mine again, and he gives a little squeeze.
“Nervous?”
“I’ve never been on a helicopter before.”
“Me neither, actually.”
I nod. Too bad, considering he’d always wanted to be a helicopter pilot, but I keep that to myself. I’m sure it was hard for him to dredge up old, painful memories. No need to remind him of it again.
The chopper takes to the air and Cole pulls a blanket, bottle of wine and two glasses from his pack. He wraps us up, and pours us each a glass. I glance out the window as we sip, and a bubble of excitement wells up inside me when Mt. Rainier comes into view.
Cole leans into me. “It’s not ideal, but I know you can’t hike it anymore, so I thought this was the next best thing.”
On the horizon, streaks of blue and purple bruise the sky as the sun begins to set, and my heart swells. I can’t believe Cole set this up. Tears prick my eyes, and I try to turn my head so he doesn’t see them.
“Hey,” he whispers, and touches my chin. He turns me to face him and brushes the tears away. “I thought you’d like this.”
“I love it.”
His brow furrows as his gaze roams my face. “Then why the tears?”
“I can’t believe you remember me telling you this.”
“I remember everything.” He puts his arm around me, and I settle against him as the helicopter hovers over the mountain, letting us soak in the sunset. “I wanted to land right there and have my way with you” Cole says teasingly. “But we can’t. This bird has to be back before it’s pitch black.”
“When you drive me home, maybe you can have your way with me then,” I say, so touched by this gesture, I’m a little raw inside.
His grin widens. “Yeah?”
I take a sip of my wine and pretend I’m mulling it over, but there is nothing in the world I want more than Cole in my bed tonight.
We spend the next fifteen minutes watching the sunset, and it takes me back to my childhood when I hiked the mountain with my brother and the guy I hated—but secretly crushed on. But that crush has grown into so much more, and deep in my gut, I fear that our time together has come to an end, even though we decided to continue this affair until the playoffs were over.
Cole holds me tighter as the helicopter takes us back to the airport, and we’re both a little quiet as we make our way to his car.
“How is Tabby?” I ask as he drives me back to my place.
“She’s okay. She came back to the house after you left. We had a long talk.”
“Did Jack propose yet?”
“Not yet, I guess he’s waiting for the right moment. You know, sort of the same way you do it in your books.”
I grin. “I don’t think Tabby tortures him the way I tortured my heroes, though. Thank God.”
Cole laughs. “Do you like him? Do you think they’ll be good together?”
“I do.”
“You once said no man is that good. You know, like in your books.”
“I know,” I say, my heart heavy for all the things I want with Cole. “Maybe I was wrong about that.”
“Yeah?”
He takes a turn and we exit the highway. I lean into him, missing his touch. Five minutes later, he pulls up in front of my place and without so much as a word, we both slide from the vehicle and meet on the walkway. I fish my key from my purse and he puts his hand on the small of my back as he leads me inside. The door clicks shut behind us and a shiver skips down my spine when he sets the lock.
He turns me, presses me against the door and his mouth finds mine. His kisses are warm, hard, like he’s been dying to taste me all night, and a thrill races through me. I kiss him back with all the love inside me, and once again, tears prick my eyes.
“I need to be inside you,” he says, and picks me up. “Where is your bedroom?”
“Second door on the right,” I say, and wrap my arms around his shoulders as he moves down my hall.
Once inside my room, he gives a quick glance around and sets me on the end of the bed. He goes down on his knees and I widen my legs so he can crawl in between them. I rake my hands through his hair, and he presses kisses to my eyes, cheeks, and lips. He tastes like sweet wine as he slides his tongue into my mouth for
a deeper exploration.
I tug at his shirt and he goes still for a second. “I want to see you,” I say.
He hesitates, like he’s unsure. Now that I know what the scars are from, does he think I’m going to look at him differently?
How can I not?
“Naked, now,” I demand playfully, not wanting him to get caught up in the tension.
He goes back on his heels, grips his shirt and tugs it off. I touch his body, then cup his face and bring his mouth back to mine. He grips the hem of my sweater and I break the kiss and lift my arms so he can remove it.
He tosses it away, and my bra follows. “You are so gorgeous,” he says as he gently, lightly strokes the underside of my breasts. His poignant touch goes right through me, curls around my heart and holds tight.
I bring his mouth to mine. “Mmm,” I whisper as we kiss, and the sound seems to do something to him. He nudges me until I fall back onto the bed. His smile is slow as his gaze moves over my body.
He unbuttons his pants, but before he kicks them off, he pulls out a condom. “We probably shouldn’t take any more chances,” he says, a reminder that he doesn’t want a family.
Striving to push down all the things I feel for him, I watch as he tosses the condom onto the bed beside me and kicks off his pants. I stare at his gorgeous, battered body as he reaches for the button on my jean. The hiss of my zippers fills the quiet of the room as he releases it, and I lift my hips to make the removal of my pants a little easier for him.
Once we’re both naked, I slip under the sheets and position myself in the middle. He climbs over me, kisses a path down my body, then centers his mouth between my legs to prepare me for him. But honest to God, while this might have started as hate fucking, nothing and no one could have prepared me for Cole.
I move against his tongue then he sheathes himself, and slides into me. I hug him to me as he powers home, taking us both to the precipice, where we struggle to hang on.
I don’t care what anyone says…what we’re doing is lovemaking, and one way or another, Cole needs to understand that. He says he doesn’t want a wife, or a family, but everything in the way he touches me, cares for me, tells an entirely different story.
Tomorrow, when we wake up, I’m going to lay it all on the line, tell him how I feel.
I might be setting myself up for heartache, but how can I just walk away from this, from him?
16
Cole
I am such an asshole. Such a complete and utter fucked-up douche bag that I’d kick my own ass if it were humanly possible.
I shift on the mattress, and brush Nina’s hair from her face as she sleeps quietly beside me. I never should have told her those thing about me. Never meant to shoot off my big mouth, but in the heat of the moment, anger got the better of me and I let loose on her. She didn’t deserve that from me, and I’ll never forgive myself.
I take a moment to mull that over, go over the turn of events since I showed up at her door. Has she truly forgiven me for being a dick to her, or did she go with me tonight out of pity? I saw the sadness in her eyes, the deep-seated sympathy, and that’s the last thing I want to see from her, or anyone. Which is why I fucking keep my painful past to myself, locked deep in the recesses of my brain where it belongs.
After Tabby returned home, we had a long talk, and I didn’t need to hear it from her to know how much I’d hurt Nina. I never meant to, just like she never meant to hurt me. She was only trying to do something nice. She had no idea what we went through as kids.
But now that she does, it’s beyond clear that things have changed between us. She looks at me differently. Oh, she can try to hide it all she wants, but it’s there, in the depth of her eyes.
People are attracted to The Playmaker, the showboat on the ice, the guy with a different bunny on his arm after every game. The guy I learned to hide wasn’t enough to keep my own mother around, and when it comes right down to it, Nina deserves better. Hell, I’ve read her books, know her expectations. I’m not good enough for her. Not worthy of her love. She needs someone who is.
She makes a soft, sleepy sound, and I inch from beneath the covers. I fix the blankets around her, and take one last look at the girl I love…the girl I’ve spent my entire fucking life loving. Christ, I want her so much. I never should have started something with her that I couldn’t finish. Not with Nina, my sweet ballerina.
She needs someone who isn’t a hot fucking mess, someone who doesn’t pretends to be an expert asshole so no one sees the real guy beneath. But she glimpsed that guy tonight, and I can’t handle her walking away in the end, too.
Besides, she told me in the beginning she didn’t believe in happily ever after, and I told her the same. This thing started because she needed something from me—I’m used to people wanting something from me—and I can’t hang around and run the risk of her wanting more. Not that I’m certain she will. She agreed to a commitment for the duration of her lessons, and didn’t ask for anything more.
Don’t let anyone in, don’t get hurt.
I always pretend to be someone else, and in the end, if she hangs around longer, and we got involved deeper, Nina won’t like what she sees. I need to save her the pain of that betrayal by leaving first and ending this now. I’m sure she’s gotten all she needed for her book—hockey and sex lessons—and even though my fucking heart is breaking, it gives me a measure of comfort to know I’ve been able to help her. She’ll get on track with her book. Of that I’m sure.
I back away and grab my clothes from the floor. I steal one last look at the sleeping beauty sprawled out on her bed. The beatings from my father were nothing compared to the debilitating pain of walking away from Nina.
I love her. I fucking love her with everything in me, but she’s seen and heard too much, and I can’t, just can’t have her hating that guy she got a glimpse of today. She’s better off not knowing who I really am, and finding someone better.
17
Nina
I glance at my phone, my messages to Cole having gone unanswered for three days.
Three freaking days!
When we flew over Mt. Rainier, I had a horrible feeling it was the last for us, but then he came to my bed and made love to me, which led me to believe we were going to continue this affair until the end of playoffs. But then he snuck out under the cover of darkness. He left without so much as a note, a goodbye, or even a, ‘it’s been fun hate-fucking you but now we’re done.’
“You okay?” Jess asks from my sofa. She’s barely left my side for days, and while I love her for it, I need space to figure this out, figure out where I go from here. I’ve learned so much about Cole, so much about my brother Cason…and myself. It’s hard to take it all in, make sense out of things.
“Yeah,” I say, and look at my phone when it pings. My heart leaps.
Jess jumps from her seat. “Is it Cole?” she asks, a scowl on her face. It’s pretty much taken everything in me to stop her from hunting him down and removing one of his testicles. But I had to remind her that I knew what I was getting into when I seduced him that night.
But did I really know? Did I know I’d fall head over heels in love with him? Maybe there was a small part of me that did, considering I’ve loved him since I was a young girl.
“It’s Cason.” She relaxes a bit, and I text him back. “He wants to see me,” I say, and I’m thrilled that he’s reaching out to me.
“Want me to drive you?”
“Yeah, okay,” I say. Cole’s car is still out front but I don’t want to drive it. Then again, maybe I should drop it off at his place, let him know I got the message loud and clear. We. Are. Done.
I grab my purse from the counter and follow Jess out the door. Twenty minutes later, she drops me off at Mom and Dad’s place and tells me to text her when I’m ready to go home.
Home.
God, I suddenly hate that word.
I head up the driveway to my childhood home, and my throat tightens a little for all the
things I want, but never thought I could have. A home, a family…Cole.
Cason opens the door before I get there, and my mind travels back to Cole again, and the way he used to wait for me. I love that feeling. Love someone looking forward to seeing me. Being with me.
“Cason,” I say when I see him. I take in his messed-up hair, longer now than when he went on the road. He’s dressed in a pair of jean and a long-sleeve T-shirt. Always causal, always laid back, but I know him well enough to know he’s deeper than that. Growing up without Mom and Dad present in our lives had been as hard on him as it had been on me.
“Get over here,” he says, and wraps his arms around me. I breathe in his familiar smell of soap and fabric softener.
I hug him—hard, tight, never wanting to let go. “I’m so proud of you, Cason. I’ve been watching your games.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me?”
“Nope.”
“Little Neaner Neaner, who hates hockey, suddenly has an interest in it. What’s up with that?”
“Maybe hockey isn’t so stupid. And you know I hate when you call me that,” I say against his shoulder as his warmth curls around me, cocoons me.
“Hey, come on. It’s a term of endearment. Only special girls get special names.”
Pretty BallerNina.
Emotions well up inside me and unable to stop them, tears fall, and when I give a big hiccupping sound, Cason stiffens.
I don’t cry around my brother. I never have. But I’m so raw inside, so cut up and confused and hurt, there is nothing I can do to keep the tears from spilling. God, I hate myself right now. Hate that I let myself get in deep with Cole.
Cason gently pulls me into the house and shuts the door. It softly clicks in place behind me. The house is quiet this time of day, with Mom and Dad both at work. Cason holds my shoulders and inches back. His blue eyes take me in and there’s real concern on his face.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I…I missed you,” I say, and while that’s true, I missed him like crazy, there is more going on inside of me.