by Elinor Glyn
XI
Monday was a perfectly impossible day--I spent all the morning before Ireturned to Versailles in writing to Maurice, telling him he must findout all about Miss Sharp--Alathea--I felt if I told him her Christianname it would be a clue--and yet even to assist in that, which was, atthe moment, my heart's desire, I could not overcome my personal disliketo pronounce it to Maurice!--it seemed as something sacred to mealone--which makes me reflect upon how egotistical we all are--and howwe would all rather fail in attaining what is our greatest wish than notto be able to express our own personality--!
Nina had suggested before she left that I should stay in Paris and cometo the theatre with her--.
"We could have some delicious old times, Nicholas, now that you are somuch better."
Once this would have thrilled me--only last Spring! but now thecontrariness in me made me say that it was absolutely necessary that Ireturned immediately to Versailles. I believe I should have answeredlike that even if there had been no Miss Sharp,--Alathea--in the case,just because I now knew Nina really wanted me to stay--every man is likethat, more or less, if only women knew!--The whole sex relation is oneof fence--until the object has been secured--and then emotion dies outaltogether, or is revived in one or the other, but very seldom in both.Love--real love--is beyond all this I suppose, and does not depend uponwhether or no the other person excites one's desire for conquest. Lovemust be wonderful--I believe Alathea--(I have actually written itnaturally this time!--) could love. I never used to think I could, atthe best of moments I have analysed my emotions, and stood aside as itwere, and measured just how much things were meaning to me.
But when I think of that scrap of a girl, with her elusive ways, herpride, her refinement, even her little red hands--! I have a longing--apassionate longing to hold her always near me--to know that she ismine--that for the rest of time I should be with her, learning from herhigh thoughts, comforted by her strength of character--believing inher--respecting her--Yes, that is it--_respecting her_. How few womenone meets with attractions that one really respects.--One respects manyelderly ones, of course, and abstract splendid creatures, but bringingit down to concrete facts, how few are the women who have drawn one'sadmiration or excited one's desire, who at the same time onereverenced!--Love must mean reverence--that is it.
And what is reverence--?
The soul's acknowledgment of the purity of another--and purity in thissense means truth and honor, and lofty aims--not the denial of allpassion, or the practice of asceticism.
I utterly reverence Alathea, and yet I am sure with that mouth--if sheloved me she would be anything but cold. How on God's earth can I makeher love me--?
I went back to Versailles after luncheon, having had to see thespecialist about my eye, he thinks the socket is so marvelously healedlately, that I could have the glass one in now much sooner thanChristmas. I wonder if some self confidence will return when I can feelpeople are not revolted when looking at me?--That again issuper-sensitiveness. Of course no one is revolted--they feel pity--andthat is perhaps worse. When I get my leg too, shall I have the nerve tomake love to Alathea and use all the arts which used to be so successfulin the old days?
I believe if I were back in 1914--I should still be as nervous as a catwhen with her--Is this one of the symptoms of love again?
George Harcourt has many maxims upon the subject of love--One is that aFrenchman thinks most of the methods of love--An Englishman more of thesensations of love--and an Austrian of the emotions of love--. I wonderif this is true? He also says that a woman does not really appreciate aman who reverences her sex in the abstract, and is chivalrous about allwomen,--she rather thinks him a simpleton--. What she does appreciate isa man who holds cynical views about the female sex in general, and showsreverence and chivalry towards herself in particular!
This I feel is probably the truth--!
I did not expect to hear anything of Alathea on the Monday, she was notdue until Tuesday at eleven o'clock, but when I came in from my sunseton the terrace, I found two telegrams, all the first one said was--
"Extremely sorry will be unable to come to-morrow, brother seriously ill. A. Sharp--."
And no address!
So I could not send sympathy, or even offer any help--I could have swornaloud! The storm had wrecked its vengeance on someone, then, and thepoor little chap had probably taken cold.
If I could only be of some use to them--Perhaps getting the best Doctoris out of their reach. I was full of turmoil while I tore open the otherblue paper--this was from Suzette--.
"I come this evening at eight."
It was nearly seven o'clock now, so I could not put her off--and I amnot sure that I wanted to--Suzette is a human being and kindly, and herheart is warm.
When Burton was dressing me I told him of Miss Sharp's telegram.
"The poor young lady!" he said--.
Burton always speaks of her as the "young lady"--he never makes amistake about class.
Suzette for him is "Mam'zell"--and he speaks of her as a mother mightabout her boy's noisy, tiresome rackety school friends--necessary evilsto be put up with for the boy's sake--The fluffies he announces alwaysby their full titles--"Madame la Comtesse"--etc., etc., with a face ofstone. Nina and the one or two other Englishwomen he is politelyrespectful to, but to Miss Sharp he is absolutely reverential--she mightbe a Queen!
"I expect the poor little fellow got wet through yesterday," Ihazarded--.
"He's that delicate," Burton remarked.
So Burton knows something more about the family than I do after all--!
"How did you know he was delicate, Burton, or even that Miss Sharp had abrother?"
"I don't exactly know, Sir Nicholas--it's come out from one time toanother--the young lady don't talk."
"How did you guess, then?"
"I've seen her anxious when I've brought in her tray--sometimes, andonce I ventured to say to her--'I beg pardon Miss, but can I do anythingfor you,' and she took off her glasses sudden like--and thanked me, andsaid it was her little brother she was worrying about--and you maybelieve me or not as you like, Sir Nicholas, but her eyes were full oftears."
I wonder if Burton guessed the deep emotion he was causing me--My littledarling! with her beautiful blue eyes full of tears, and I impotent tocomfort or help her--!
"Yes--yes?" I said--.
"She told me then that he'd been delicate since birth, and she fearedthe winter in Paris for him--I do believe Sir, it's that she works sohard for, to get him away south."
"Burton--what the devil can we do about it?"
"I don't very well know, Sir Nicholas--Many's the time I've badly wantedto offer her the peaches and grapes and other things, to take back tohim--but of course I know my place better than to insult a lady--tisn'tlike as if she were of another class you see Sir--she'd have grabbed 'emthen, but bein' as she is, she'd have been bound to refuse them, and itmight have tempted her for him and made things awkward."
Burton not only knows the world but has tact--!
He went on, now once started.
"I saw her outside a wine shop once when I got off the tram atAuteuil--She was looking at the bottles of port--and I made so as topass, and her not see me, but she turned and said friendlylike--'Burton, do you suppose this shop would keep really good port--?'I said as how I would go in and see, and she came with me--They had somefairly decent--though too young, Sir Nicholas, and it was thirty-fivefrancs the bottle--I saw she had not an idea it would be as much asthat--her face fell--Do you know, Sir, I could see she hadn't that muchwith her,--it was the day before she's paid you see--her colour came andwent--then she said--'I wonder Burton if you could oblige me with payingthe ten extra francs until to-morrow--I must have the best!'--You maybelieve me, Sir Nicholas, I got out my purse quick enough--and then shethanked me so sweet like--'The Doctor has ordered it for my mother,Burton,' she said--'and of course she couldn't drink any but the best!'"
"Who on earth can she be, Burton? It does worry me--can't you possiblyfind out? I would so like to help them."
"I feel that, Sir--but here's the way I figure it--When gentry lives inforeign towns and don't seem anxious for you to know their address itdon't seem right like to pry into it."
"Burton, you dear old brick!--well supposing we don't try to pry, butjust try how we can possibly help her--You could certainly besympathetic about the brother since she has spoken to you--and surelysomething can be done--? I saw her at the Duchesse's you know--do yousuppose she knows her--?"
"I do, Sir Nicholas--I never meant to speak of it, but one day Her Gracecame to see you and you were out and she caught sight of Miss Sharpthrough the half open door--and she jumped like a cat, Her Grace did,'Halthee'--she cried out--or some name like that,--and Miss Sharpstarted up and went down the stairs with her--She seemed to be kind ofexplaining, and I am not sure that Her Grace was too pleased--."
(Burton thinks all Duchesses should be called "Grace" whether they areFrench or English.)
"Then we should certainly be able to find out from the Duchesse--."
"Well, I would not be so sure of that Sir Nicholas--You see the Duchesseis a very kind lady, but she is a lady of the world, and she may haveher reasons."
"Then what do you suggest, Burton?"
"Why, I hardly know--perhaps to wait and see, Sir Nicholas."
"Masterly inactivity!"
"It might be that I could do a bit of finding out if I felt sure no harmcould come of it."
I was not quite certain what Burton meant by this--What possible harmcould come of it?
"Find out all you can and let me know--."
* * * * *
Suzette opened the door and came in just as I finished dressing--Burtonleft the room.--She was pouting.
"So the book is not completed, Nicholas?--and the English Mees comesthree times a week--_hein_?"
"Yes--does that upset you?"
"I should say!"
"May I not have a secretary?--You will be objecting to my Aunt coming tostay with me, or my dining with my friends--next!"
I was angry--.
"No--_mon ami_--not that--they are not for me--those--but a secretary--a'Mees'--_tiens_?--for why do you want us two?"
"You _two_! good Lord! Do you think, Suzette--_Mon Dieu!_"--I now becamevery angry. "My secretary is here to type my book--. Let us understandone another quite--You have overstepped the mark this time, Suzette, andthere must be an end. Name whatever sum you want me to settle on you andthen I don't ever wish to see you again."
She burst into frantic weeping. She had meant nothing--she wasjealous--she loved me--even going to the sea could do nothing for her! Iwas her _adore_--her sun, moon and stars--of what matter a leg or aneye--! I was her life--her _Amant_!!
"Nonsense, Suzette!--you have told me often it was only because I wasvery rich--now be sensible--these things have to have an end some day. Ishall be going back to England soon, so just let me make you comfortableand happy and let us part friends--."
She still stormed and raged--'There was someone else--it was the"Mees"--I had been different ever since she had come to the flat--She,Suzette, would be revenged--she would kill her--!'
Then I flew into a rage, and dominated her, and when I had herthoroughly frightened I appealed to the best in her--and when she wassobbing quietly Burton came in to say that dinner was ready--his facewas eloquent!
"Don't let the waiters see you like that," I said.
Suzette rushed to the glass and looked at herself, and then beganopening her gold chain bag to get out her powder and lip grease--I wenton into the salon and left her--.
What an irony everything is--! When I was yearning for tenderness andlove--, even Suzette's, I was unable to touch her, and now because I amquite indifferent, both she and Nina, in their separate ways, have begunto find me attractive. So there is nothing in it really, it is only asto whether or no you arouse the hunting instinct!
Suzette wore an air of deep pathos during our repast--. She had put someblue round her eyes to heighten the effect of the red of the real tears,and she appeared very pretty and gentle--It had not the slightest effectupon me--I found myself looking on like a third person. The mole withits three black hairs seemed to be the only salient point about her.
Poor little Suzette!--How glad I felt that I had never even pretended ascrap of love for her!
That astonishing sense of the fitness of things which so many of thesewomen possess, showed itself as the evening wore on--. Finding thesituation hopeless, Suzette accepted it, curbed the real emotion inherself and played the game--She tried to amuse me--and then wediscussed plans for her future. A villa at Monte Carlo she decided atlast--A _bijou_ of a place! which she knew of--. And when we parted atabout eleven o'clock everything was arranged satisfactorily. Then shesaid good-bye to me--She would go back to Paris by the last train--.
"Good-bye, Suzette!"--and I bent down and kissed her forehead--"You havebeen the jolliest little pal possible--and remember that I haveappreciated it,--and you will always have a real friend in me!"
She burst into tears once more--real tears--.
"_Je t'aime bien!_" she whispered--"I shall go to Deauville--_Va!_"
We wrung hands, and she went to the door, but there she turned, and someof her old fire came back to her--.
"Pah! these English Meeses! thin, stiff, _ennuyeuse_!--thou wilt yetregret thy Suzette, Nicholas!" and with this she left me.
* * * * *
So that episode in my life is ended--and I shall never repeat theexperiment.
But are not women the most amazing creatures!
You adore them and give them abject devotion and they treat you asdirt--nothing can be so cruel as the tenderest hearted woman is to amale slave--! Another woman appears upon the scene--then the first onebegins to treat you with some respect. You grow masterful--love isaroused in her. You become indifferent--and very often it is she whothen turns into the slave!--The worst of it is that when you really careyou are incapable of playing a game successfully. The woman'ssubconscious mind _knows_ that it is merely pretense--and so she remainsa tyrant.--It is only when she herself has ceased to put forthsufficient attraction to keep you and you are growing numb that you canwin out and find your self-respect again.
There was a moment when I was very angry with Suzette and almost shakingher, when I saw in her eyes the first look of real passionateaffection--!
Are there any women in the world who could be mates?--who would be ableto love one, and hold one at the same time--satisfying one's mind andone's spirit and one's body--?--Could Alathea--?--I do not know.
I had got this far in my speculations when a note was brought to me by asmart French maid--it was now past eleven at night--.
It was from Coralie--.
"I am here, _cher Ami_--I am rather in a difficulty--Can I come to yoursitting-room?"
I scribbled "of course"--and in a moment she came--seductive anddistressful. Duquesnois had been recalled to the front suddenly--herhusband would be back on the morrow--. Might she stay and have some St.Galmier water with me--could we ring the bell and order it, so that thewaiter might see her there?--because if the husband asked anything--hecould be sure it was only the much wounded Englishman, and he would notmind--!!
I was sympathetic!--the St. Galmier came.
Coralie did not seem in a hurry to drink it, she sat by the fire andtalked, and looked at me with her rather small expressive eyes--andsuddenly I realized that it was not to save any situation that even acomplacent and much-tried war-husband might object to, but just to talkto me alone--!!
She put forth every charm she possessed for half an hour--I led heron--watching each move with interest and playing right cards in return.Coralie is very well born and never could be vulgar or blatant, so itwas all entertaining for me. This is the first time she has had thechance of being quite alone. We fenced--I showed enough _empresseme
nt_not to discourage her too soon----and then I allowed myself to benatural, which was being completely indifferent--and it worked its usualcharm!
Coralie grew restless--she got up from the sofa she stood by thefire--she came at last quite close up to my chair--.
"What is there about you, Nicholas," she cooed, "which makes one forgetthat you are wounded--. When I saw you even in the _parc_--with that_demoiselle_ I felt--that--"--She looked down with a sigh--.
"How hard upon Duquesnois, Coralie! a good-looking, whole man!"
"I have tired of him, _Mon ami_--he loves me too much--the affair hasbecome tame--."
"And I am wild, is that it?"
"A savage--yes--One feels that you would break one's bones if you wereangry--and would mock most of the time,--but if you loved. _MonDieu!_--it would be worth while!"
"You have had immense experience of love Coralie, haven't you?"
She shrugged her shoulders--.
"I am not sure that it has been love--."
"Neither am I."
"They say that you have given millions to the little _demi-mondaine_Suzette la Blonde----and that you are crazy about her, Nicholas--Did Isee her on the stairs just now?"--
I frowned--. She saw in a moment it was not the right line--. "For that!it is nothing, Nicholas--they are very attractive, those ladies--oneunderstands--but--your book and your secretary?--_hein?_--"
I lit a cigarette with supreme calm, and did not answer, so that she wasobliged to go on--.
"Her face is pretty in spite of those glasses, Nicholas--and one sawthat she walked well as she went on."
"May not a secretary have a decent appearance then?"
"When they have they do not remain secretaries long."
"You had better ask Miss Sharp if she means to stay when next you chanceupon her then--I don't exchange much conversation with her myself."
There is no exact English word which would describe Coralie's face--Shewas longing to believe me--but felt she could not--quite--! She knew itwas foolish to bait me, and yet the female in her was too strong forany common sense to win--Her personality had to express herself just asstrongly about her jealousy of my secretary, as mine had to expressitself about not telling Maurice, Alathea's name,--in both cases we cutoff our noses to spite our faces. I was aware of my folly, I do not knowif Coralie was aware of hers. Her exasperation so increased in a fewmoments that she could not control herself--and she spoke right out--.
"When we have all been so kind to you, Nicholas, it is too bad for youto waste your time upon that--!"
I became stern, then, as I had earlier become with Suzette, and madeCoralie understand that I would have no interference from anyone. Ifrightened her--and presently she left me more attracted than she hasever been--. As I said before, women are amazing creatures.