by James Joyce
[Up to this curkscraw bind an admirable verbivocovisual pre-sentment of the worldrenownced Caerholme Event has been being
given by The Irish Race and World. The huddled and aliven stable-crashers have shared fleetfooted enthusiasm with the paddocks
dare and ditches tare while the mews was combing ground. Hippo-hopparray helioscope flashed winsor places as the gates might see.
Meusdeus! That was (with burning briar) Mr Twomass Noho-holan for their common contribe satisfunction in the purports of
amusedment telling the Verily Roverend Father Epiphanes
shrineshriver of Saint Dhorough’s (in browne bomler) how
(assuary as there’s a bonum in your osstheology!) Backlegs
shirked the racing kenneldar. The saintly scholarist’s roastering
guffalawd of nupersaturals holler at this metanoic excomologosis
tells of the chestnut’s (once again, Wittyngtom!) absolutionally
romptyhompty successfulness. A lot of lasses and lads without
damas or dads, but fresh and blued with collecting boxes. One
aught spare ores triflets, to be shut: it is Coppingers for the
children. Slippery Sam hard by them, physically present how-
somedever morally absent, was slooching about in his knavish
diamonds asking Gmax, Knox and the Dmuggies (a pinnance for
your toughts, turffers!) to deck the ace of duds. Tomtinker Tim,
howbeit, his unremitting retainer, (the seers are the seers of
Samael but the heers are the heers of Timoth) is in Boozer’s
Gloom, soalken steady in his sulken tents. Baldawl the curse,
baledale the day! And the frocks of shick sheeples in their shum-mering insamples! You see: a chiefsmith, semperal scandal
stinkmakers, a middinest from the Casabianca and, of course,
Mr Fry. Barass! Pardon the inquisition, causas es quostas?
It is Da Valorem’s Dominical Brayers. Why coif that weird
hood? Because among nosoever circusdances is to be apprehended
the dustungwashed poltronage of the lost Gabbarnaur–Jaggar-nath. Pamjab! Gross Jumpiter, whud was thud? Luckluckluck — luckluckluckluck! It is the Thousand to One Guinea–Gooseberry’s
Lipperfull Slipver Cup. Hold hard, ridesiddle titelittle Pitsy
Riley! Gurragrunch, gurragrunch! They are at the turn of the
fourth of the hurdles. By the hross of Xristos, Holophullopopu-lace is a shote of excramation! Bumchub! Emancipator, the
Creman hunter (Major Hermyn C. Entwhistle) with dramatic
effect reproducing the form of famous sires on the scene of the
formers triumphs, is showing the eagle’s way to Mr Whayte-hayte’s three buy geldings Homo Made Ink, Bailey Beacon
and Ratatuohy while Furstin II and The Other Girl (Mrs
‘Boss’ Waters, Leavybrink) too early spring dabbles, are showing
a clean pairofhids to Immensipater. Sinkathinks to oppen here!
To this virgin’s tuft, on this golden of evens! I never sought of
sinkathink. Our lorkmakor he is proformly annuysed He is
shinkly thinkly shaking in his schayns. Sat will be off follteedee.
This eeridreme has being effered you by Bett and Tipp. Tipp and
Bett, our swapstick quackchancers, in From Topphole to Bot
tom of The Irish Race and World.]
TAFF (awary that the first sports report of Loudin Reginald has now been afterthoughtfully colliberated by a saggind spurts flash, takes the dipperend direction and, for tasing the tiomor of malaise after the pognency of orangultonia, orients by way of Sagit-tarius towards Draco on the Lour). And you collier carsst on him, the corsar, with Boyle, Burke and Campbell, I’ll gogemble on strangbones tomb. You had just been cerberating a camp camp camp to Saint Sepulchre’s march through the armeemonds re-treat with the boys all marshalled, scattering giant’s hail over the curseway, fellowed along the rout by the stenchions of the corpse. Tell the coldspell’s terroth! If you please, commeylad! Perfedes Albionias! Think some ingain think, as Teakortairer sate over the Galwegian caftan forewhen Orops and Aasas were chooldrengs and micramacrees! A forward movement, Miles na Bogaleen, and despatch!
BUTT (slinking his coatsleeves surdout over his squad mutton shoulder so as to loop more life the jauntlyman as he scents thc anggreget yup behound their whole scoopchina’s desperate noy’s totalage and explaining aposteriorly how awstooloo was valde-sombre belowes hero and he was in a greak esthate phophiar an erixtion on the soseptuple side of him made spoil apriori his popo-porportiums). Yass, zotnyzor, I don’t think I did not, pojr. Never you brother me for I scout it, think you! Ichts nichts on nichts ! Greates Schtschuptar! Me fol the rawlawdy in the schpirrt of a schkrepz. Of all the quirasses and all the qwehrmin in the tra-gedoes of those antiants their grandoper, that soun of a gun — nong, with his sabaothsopolettes, smooking his scandleloose at botthends of him! Foinn duhans! I grandthinked after his obras after another time about the itch in his egondoom he was legging boldylugged from some pulversporochs and lyoking for a stool-eazy for to nemesisplotsch allafranka and for to salubrate himself with an ultradungs heavenly mass at his base by a suprime pomp-ship chorams the perished popes, the reverend and allaverred cromlecks, and when I heard his lewdbrogue reciping his cheap cheateary gospeds to sintry and santry and sentry and suntry I thought he was only haftara having afterhis brokeforths but be the homely Churopodvas I no sooner seen aghist of his frighte-ousness then I was bibbering with vear a few versets off fooling for fjorg for my fifth foot. Of manifest ’tis obedience and the. Flute!
TAFF (though the unglucksarsoon is giming for to git him, jotning in, hoghly ligious, hapagodlap, like a soldierry sap, with a pique at his cue and a tyr in his eye and a bond of his back and a croak in his cry as did jolly well harm lean o’er him) Is not athug who would. Weepon, weeponder, song of sorrowmon ! Which goatheye and sheepskeer they damnty well know. Papaist! Gambanman! Take the cawraidd’s blow! Yia! Your partridge’s last!
BUTT (giving his scimmianised twinge in acknuckledownedgment of this cumulikick, strafe from the firetrench, studenly drobs led, sa-toniseels ouchyotchy, he changecors induniforms as he is lefting the gat out of the big: his face glows green, his hair greys white, his bleyes bcome broon to suite his cultic twalette). But when I seeing him in his oneship fetch along within hail that tourrible tall with his nitshnykopfgoknob and attempting like a brandylogged rudeman cathargic, lugging up and laiding down his livepelts so cruschinly like Mebbuck at Messar and expousing his old skinful self tailtottom by manurevring in open ordure to renew-murature with the cowruads in their airish pleasantry I thanked he was recovering breadth from some herdsquatters beyond the carcasses and I couldn’t erver nerver to tell a liard story not of I knew the prize if from lead or alimoney. But when I got inoccu-pation of a full new of his old basemiddelism, in ackshan, pagne pogne, by the veereyed lights of the stormtrooping clouds and in the sheenflare of the battleaxes of the heroim and mid the shieldfails awail of the bitteraccents of the sorafim and caught the pfierce tsmell of his aurals, orankastank, a suphead setrapped, like Peder the Greste, altipaltar, my bill it forsooks allegiance (gut bull it!) and, no lie is this, I was babbeing and yetaghain bubbering, bibbelboy, me marrues me shkewers me gnaas me fiet, tob tob tob beat it, solongopatom..Clummensy if ever mis-used, must used you’s now! But, meac Coolp, Arram of Eirze — rum, as I love our Deer Dirouchy, I confesses withould pride — jealice when I looked upon the Saur of all the Haurousians with the weight of his arge fullin upon him from the travaillings of his tommuck and rueckenased the fates of a bosser there was fear on me the sons of Nuad for him and it was heavy he was for me then the way I immingled my Irmenial hairmaierians ammon-gled his Gospolis fomiliours till, achaura moucreas, I adn’t the arts to.
TAFF (as a marrer off act, prepensing how such waldmanns from Burnias seduced country clowns, he is preposing barangaparang after going knowing what he is do
ing after to see him pluggy well moidered as a murder effect, you bet your blowie knife, before he doze soze, sopprused though he is) Grot Zot ! You hidn’t the hurts? Vott Fonn !
BUTT (hearing somrother sudly give tworthree peevish sniff snuff snoores like govalise falseleep he waitawhishts to see might he stirs and then goes on kuldrum like without asking for pepeace or anysing a soul). Merzmard! I met with whom it was too late. My fate! O hate! Fairwail! Fearwealing of the groan! And think of that when you smugs to bagot.
TAFF (who meanwhilome at yarn’s length so as to put a nodje in the poestcher, by wile of stoccan his hand and of rooma makin ber getting umptyums gatherumed off the skattert, had been lavishing, lagan on lighthouse, words of silent power, susu glouglou biri — biri gongos, upon the repleted speechsalver’s innkeeping right which, thanks giveme and naperied norms nonobstaclant, there can be little doubt, have resulted in a momstchance ministring of another guid-ness, my good, to see) Bompromifazzio! Shumpum for Pa-li-di and oukosouso for the nipper dandy! Trink off this scup and be bladdy orafferteed! To bug at?
BUTT (he whipedoff’s his chimbley phot, as lips lovecurling to the tongueopener, he takecups the communion of sense at the hands of the foregiver of trosstpassers and thereinofter centelinnates that potifex miximhost with haruspical hospedariaty proferring into his pauses somewhot salt bacon). Theres scares knud in this gnarld warld a fully so svend as dilates for the improvement of our foerses of nature by your very ample solvent of referacting upon me like is boesen fiennd.
[The other foregotthened abbosed in the Mullingaria are during this swishingsight teilweisioned. How the fictionable world in Fruzian Creamtartery is loading off heavy furses and affubling themselves with muckinstushes. The neatschknee Novgolosh. How the spinach ruddocks are being tatoovatted up for the second comings of antigreenst. Hebeneros for Aromal Peace. How Alibey Ibrahim wisheths Bella Suora to a holy cryptmahs while the Arumbian Knives Riders axecutes devilances round the jehumispheure. Learn the Nunsturk. How Old Yales boys is making rebolutions for the cunning New Yirls, never elding, still begidding, never to mate to lend, never to ate selleries and never to add soulleries and never to ant sulleries and never to aid silleries with sucharow with sotchyouroff as Burkeley’s Show’s a ructiongetherall. Phone for Phineal toomellow aftermorn and your phumeral’s a roselixion.]
TAFF (now as he has been past the buckthurnstock from Peadhar Piper of Colliguchuna, whiles they all are bealting pots to dubrin din for old daddam dombstom to tomb and wamb humbs lumbs agamb, glimpse agam, glance agen, rise up road and hive up hill, and find your pollyvoulley foncey pitchin ingles in the parler). Since you are on for versingrhetorish say your piece! How Buccleuch shocked the rosing girnirilles. A ballet of Gasty Power. A hov and az ov and off like a gow! And don’t live out the sad of tearfs, piddyawhick! Not offgott affsang is you, buthbach? Ath yet-heredayth noth endeth, hay? Vaersegood! Buckle to! Sayyessik, Ballygarry. The fourscore soculums are watchyoumaycodding to cooll the skoopgoods blooff. Harkabuddy, feign! Thingman placeyear howed wholst somwom shimwhir tinkledinkledelled. Shinfine deed in the myrtle of the bog tway fainmain stod op to slog, free bond men lay lurkin on. Tuan about whattinghim! Fore sneezturmdrappen! ‘Twill be a rpnice pschange, arrah, sir? Can you come it, budd?
BUTT (who in the cushlows of his goodsforseeking hoarth, ever fondlinger of his pimple spurk, is a niallist of the ninth homestages, the babybell in his baggutstract upper going off allatwanst, begad, lest he should challenge himself, beygoad, till angush). Horrasure, toff! As said as would. It was Colporal Phailinx first. Hittit was of another time, a white horsday where the midril met the bulg, sbogom, roughnow along about the first equinarx in the cholon-der, on the plain of Khorason as thou goest from the mount of Bekel, Steep Nemorn, elve hundred and therety and to years how the krow flees end in deed, after a power of skimiskes, blodidens and godinats of them, when we sight the beasts, (heg-heg whatlk of wraimy wetter!), moist moonful date man aver held dimsdzey death with, and higheye was in the Reilly Oirish Krzerszonese Milesia asundurst Sirdarthar Woolwichleagues, good tomkeys years somewhile in Crimealian wall samewhere in Ayerland, during me weeping stillstumms over the freshprosts of Eastchept and the dangling garters of Marrowbone and daring my wapping stiltstunts on Bostion Moss, old stile and new style and heave a lep onwards. And winn again, blaguadargoos, or lues the day, plays goat, the banshee pealer, if moskats knows whoss whizz, the great day and the druidful day come San Patrisky and the grand day, the excellent fine splendorous long agreeable toastworthy cylindrical day, go Sixt of the Ninth, the heptahundread annam dammias that Hajizfijjiz ells me is and will and was be till the timelag is in it that’s told in the Bok of Alam to columnkill all the prefacies of Erin gone brugk. But Icantenue. And incommixtion. We was lowsome like till we’d took out after the dead beats. So I begin to study and I soon show them day’s reasons how to give the cold shake to they blighty perishers and lay one over the beats. All feller he look he call all feller come longa villa finish. Toumbalo, how was I acclapadad! From them banjopeddlars on the raid. Gidding up me anti vanillas and getting off the stissas me aunties. Boxerising and coxerusing. And swiping a johnny dann sweept for to exercitise myself neverwithstanding the topkats and his roaming cartridges, orussheying and patronning, out all over Crummwiliam wall. Be the why it was me who haw haw.
TAFF (all for letting his tinder and lighting be put to beheiss in the feuer and, while durblinly obasiant to the felicias of the skivis, Still smolking his fulvurite turfkish in the rooking pressance of laddios). Yaa hoo how how, col? Whom battles joined no bottles sever! Worn’t you aid a comp?
BUTT (in his difficoltous tresdobremient, he feels a bitvalike a baddlefall of staot but falls a batforlake a borrlefull of bare). And me awlphul omegrims! Between me rassociations in the postlea-deny past and me disconnections with aplompervious futules I’ve a boodle full of maimeries in me buzzim and medears runs sloze, bleime, as I now with platoonic leave recoil in (how the thickens they come back to one to rust!) me misenary post for all them old boyars that’s now boomaringing in waulholler, me alma marthyrs. I dring to them, bycorn spirits fuselaiding, and you cullies adjutant, even where its contentsed wody, with absents wehrmuth. Junglemen in agleement, I give thee our greatly swooren, Theoccupant that Rueandredful, the thrown-fullvner and all our royal devouts with the arrest of the whole inhibitance of Neuilands! One brief mouth. And a velligoolap-now! Meould attashees the currgans, (if they could get a kick at this time for all that’s hapenced to us!) Cedric said Gormleyson and Danno O’Dunnochoo and Conno O’Cannochar it is this were their names for we were all under that manner barracksers on Kong Gores Wood together, thurkmen three, with those khakireinettes, our miladies in their toileries, the twum plum-yumnietcies, Vjeras Vjenaskayas, of old Djadja Uncken who was a great mark for jinking and junking, up the palposes of womth and wamth, we war, and the charme of their lyse brocade. For lispias harth a burm in eye but whem it bames fire norone screeneth. Hulp, hulp, huzzars! Raise ras tryracy! Freetime’s free! Up Lancesters! Anathem!
TAFF (who still senses that heavinscent houroines that enter-trained him who they were sinuorivals from the sunny Espionia but plied wopsy with his wallets in thatthack of the bustle Bakerloo, (II.32), passing the uninational truthbosh in smoothing irony over the multinotcheralled infructuosities of his grinner set). The rib, the rib, the quean of oldbyrdes, Sinya Sonyavitches! Your Rhoda Cockardes that are raday to embrace our ruddy inflamtry world ! In their ohosililesvienne biribarbebeway. Till they’ve kinks in their tringers and boils on their taws. Whor dor the pene lie, Mer Pencho? Ist dramhead countmortial or gonorrhal stab? Mind your pughs and keaoghs, if you piggots, marsh! Do the nut, dingbut! Be a dag! For zahur and zimmerminnes! Sing in the chorias to the ethur:
[In the heliotropical noughttime following a fade of trans-formed Tuff and, pending its viseversion, a metenergic reglow
of beaming Batt, the bairdboard bombardment screen, if taste-fully taut guranium satin, tends to teleframe and step up to
> the charge of a light barricade. Down the photoslope in syncopanc
pulses, with the bitts bugtwug their teffs, the missledhropes,
glitteraglatteraglutt, borne by their carnier walve. Spraygun
rakes and splits them from a double focus: grenadite, damny-mite, alextronite, nichilite: and the scanning firespot of the
sgunners traverses the rutilanced illustred sunksundered lines.
Shlossh ! A gaspel truce leaks out over the caeseine coatings.
Amid a fluorescence of spectracular mephiticism there caoculates
through the inconoscope stealdily a still, the figure of a fellow-chap in the wohly ghast, Popey O’Donoshough, the jesuneral
of the russuates. The idolon exhibisces the seals of his orders:
the starre of the Son of Heaven, the girtel of Izodella the Calot-tica, the cross of Michelides Apaleogos, the latchet of Jan of
Nepomuk, the puffpuff and pompom of Powther and Pall, the
great belt, band and bucklings of the Martyrology of Gorman.
It is for the castomercies mudwake surveice. The victar. Pleace
to notnoys speach above your dreadths, please to doughboys. Hll,
smthngs gnwrng wthth sprsnwtch! He blanks his oggles because
he confesses to all his tellavicious nieces. He blocks his nosoes be-cause that he confesses to everywheres he was always putting up his
latest faengers. He wollops his mouther with a sword of tusk in as
because that he confesses how opten he used be obening her howonton
he used be undering her. He boundles alltogotter his manucupes
with his pedarrests in asmuch as because that he confesses before
all his handcomplishies and behind all his comfoderacies. And
(hereis cant came back saying he codant steal no lunger, yessis,
catz come buck beques he caudant stail awake) he touched upon
this tree of livings in the middenst of the garerden for inasmuch