by Jen Peters
“Good stuff, Dad,” Adam said, taking a juicy mouthful.
Micah did the same, but Caleb fixed his burger and left it on his plate while he fiddled with his phone.
“Fixing to call a girl?” Dad asked.
“Maybe.” Caleb didn’t look up, just swiped at the screen a couple of times.
“Oh, ho!” Adam called out. “Caleb’s got himself a dating app!”
“Dating app?” Dad’s brow wrinkled.
“Lemme see,” Micah said, stealing the phone from Caleb. “Ooh, she’s a pretty filly. You going to swipe up on that one?”
“None of your bees’ wax.” Caleb reached for the phone, but Micah held it out of reach.
Dad looked puzzled. “A filly?”
“Getting tired of dancing with the girls in town?” Adam asked.
Caleb gave him a quick glance. “It’s always the same crowd.” He stood and reached over Micah’s head, finally wresting the phone away.
“So which way are you going to swipe on that one?” Micah repeated.
“That’s my business. You find your own girl to date.” Caleb stuck the phone in his pocket and reached for his burger.
Micah glared at him.
Adam wondered dully if he’d end up using the same app, now that Maddy didn’t want him. Maybe he’d just stay single forever.
Three bites later, Caleb suggested Micah try with Stephanie from Trail’s End Stables. “You know, the one who came over when you were covered in tractor grease?”
Micah leaned back and grinned. “I might, if you try taking Janice on rides at the fair again.”
Caleb blanched. “Never! I will never go on a whirly spinning thing again, no matter how much a girl begs.”
No laughter rose within Adam, although it had been funny at the time. Caleb’s stomach hadn’t liked that ride, and he’d ended up puking all over his date.
Samuel, though, looked them with furrowed brows. “I thought you were going to call someone.”
Micah and Caleb kept joking, but Adam’s thoughts turned toward his father. There had been no more episodes with weird substitutions for words, thank goodness, but the confusion on Dad’s face was more common anytime the conversation became lively.
Adam had tried to do some online research—working on his laptop in the house to avoid seeing Maddy—but found nothing the doctor hadn’t already told them. He couldn’t concentrate, anyway, and gave up completely when a discussion on speech therapy had him remembering Maddy stroking his hair.
He didn’t want her to leave.
He wanted to wrap his arms around her, kiss her thoroughly, hug her for a very long time. To hear her laugh, to watch her with Mia, to ride a trail and see the wonder of nature in her eyes. To see the look of scorn from his fight be replaced by the look of love he’d come to know so well.
Enough of that! Wallowing was useless, and Adam had work to do. If he couldn’t concentrate on medical research, maybe Caleb had a horse that needed roping practice. And maybe those thoughts of Maddy would stay away.
36
It didn’t work. Caleb’s young mare knew Adam was jittery, so she became unsettled as well. He kept letting the rope go too soon and missing his target.
He wasn’t surprised. Maddy had left a hole in his heart so big he was surprised that blood was still pumping through him. Surely there was some way they could make things work. But not if he couldn’t talk to her.
He needed an excuse for coming to her office. To talk about Mrs. Evans again? Not really. He’d ask her for an analysis of the projected profit and loss for the year, but they’d already done that. Be a man, he told himself. Just suck it up and sort things out with her.
His stomach tightened in anticipation. Would she still be angry with him? Would she laugh and not care? He didn’t want her mad, but not caring seemed even worse.
He rehearsed again what he would say, but balked as he approached her office. He wasn’t ready for this.
He couldn’t help peeking through her open door as he snuck past. Her mass of curls cascaded down her back as she focused on the computer screen. She didn’t notice him, but his steps suddenly felt like he was trapped in quicksand.
Safe in his office, Adam let out a long breath. He’d have thought two adults could recover from a disagreement without such problems.
Mentally, logically, they could.
Emotionally? Evidently not.
He let his fears take over for too long, staring out the window instead, long enough to notice the shadows lengthen. And then Maddy’s voice penetrated his thoughts.
“Do you really think so?”
“I know so, Missy,” came his father’s voice. “Hasn’t changed much since he was a little guy.”
Great. Not only was Dad in Maddy’s office, they were talking about him! Adam leaned against the adjoining wall, crossed his arms, and listened.
“He’s awfully good at what he does,” she said.
“Of course, but it’s not enough for him,” Dad answered. “He’ll up and leave someday if he doesn’t have someone to anchor him.”
Adam fumed. So Dad not only thought he’d abandon his ranch responsibilities, he was trying to influence Maddy? As if Maddy would keep him here when nothing else would?
“We’ll just have to find him someone,” she said.
Adam froze. His heart cracked in two as he stumbled to a chair.
She had thrown him over that fast? Impossible, unless she had never loved him in the first place.
The thought ricocheted inside him. Could it all have been an act? Why? The ranch had been her hiding place from the beginning—she didn’t need to lead him on to be safe.
Had it just been a game to her? She had lied about her California upbringing, so maybe she had lied about her feelings, too.
He thought of her smile, the way her face lit up when she saw him, the look of love—or what he’d thought was love—in those beautiful eyes.
Adam sank his head into his hands. It didn’t matter how he felt about her—if every signal she had given him had been lies, then there was no hope for him, ever. She’d been so true, so real. If it had been fake, he’d never be able to believe another woman’s words or actions again.
He strode to the door and yanked it open.
Maddy and Dad were in the hallway. Her eyes met his as she broke off what she was saying. A shutter came down over her face, erasing her expression to nothing.
She turned back to Dad. “Tell Caleb to beware—I’ll be on the lookout for the perfect girl.” She stepped into her office, closing the door firmly behind her.
Adam stared at his father. They’d been talking about Caleb, not him? He couldn’t get any words out, couldn’t even move.
Dad just looked at him. “Got a problem, son? Besides the obvious one?” He nodded toward Maddy’s door.
“Huh?” Adam’s senses began to return. “No. Not at all. In fact…” He was still reeling with his false assumption. She’d been talking about his brother, not him. Their relationship hadn’t been a lie. She had loved him, as much as he’d loved her. Loved her still.
He brushed past his father, pushing Maddy’s door open.
She hadn’t sat down yet, was standing by the window. She turned, and their eyes met. And her lip quivered.
Adam shut the door behind him. “Maddy, I—”
“Adam, what are you—” She gave her head a shake as they spoke at the same time. “You first.”
He was across the room in two seconds, holding her hands in his. “Maddy, we can’t just end like this. I love you.”
She ducked her head. “I love you too, more than you know.”
Adam tipped his forehead down to rest on the top of her head. “Then why are we doing this?”
He felt her body go still. “I’m sorry I blew my stack that day,” he said. “I should never have taken my frustrations out on you. I should never have snapped at you.”
Maddy looked up at him. “I think I did as much snapping as you. But Adam—�
�� She looked down again. “It doesn’t change anything. I still can’t be with you.”
His heart broke all over again. “But…why? Why not?”
She leaned her head on his chest. He stood in silence, his heartbeat hammering, waiting for her to speak.
“Because I can’t change what I feel inside. I can’t change what Brock did to me. What I let him do to me.”
“It’s not your fault, Maddy!” He nudged her back so he could see her face. “He’s the one who hit you.”
“But I could have left sooner. Before I was damaged inside as well as out.” She searched his eyes. “Don’t you see, Adam? Even if he never shows up here, I have to get rid of that fear before I can have a real relationship with anybody.”
“But can’t we—”
“No, Adam.” The look on her face was breaking his heart. “We can’t. I can’t. Not on a ranch where you have to be tough, anyway.”
His heart sank to the bottom of his boots, feeling heavier and emptier than he’d ever thought possible. He held her close, breathed in her scent, felt her soft body mold to his, even if he had to let her go. “I love you, Maddy. Just remember that. I don’t think there will ever be anyone else for me, so if you get to the point where you want a roughshod cowboy after all, I’ll be here waiting.”
Adam felt her nod wordlessly. She squeezed her arms around him one more time, then stepped back and turned to the window. He watched her shoulders shake as she kept her head down.
He lifted one hand toward her, then let it drop and walked away.
Maddy heard Adam close the door, heard his footsteps as he clattered down the stairs outside before she let herself sink into her chair and cry. It was her own fault, pushing away the man she’d come to love more than any other.
Even after her tears stopped, she stared at her desk without really seeing it. Images of Adam riding Mister, driving a tractor, in the office with the phone to his ear all drifted through her mind. The soft look on his face when he brought her flowers. His eagerness as he sat down to a dinner she’d cooked. Not to mention the intensity of his eyes just before he kissed her.
Maddy sighed and looked at her desk again. She had lined all her pencils up, erasers perfectly even, sharpened points creating a mountain slope from longest to shortest. If only her life were so neat.
She couldn’t help Adam being in her heart, and the thought of starting all over again—alone, just her and Mia—made her shrink. San Francisco, San Diego, Sacramento. Maybe even back East. She blanched at the thought. Strange towns, faceless hotels, always wondering when someone would get her real name. It was no way to live, but she had no other choice. She had to do it; Mia would have to adjust again, and this time Maddy wouldn’t even tell her mother where she was.
It was doubly hard to think that God had brought her here, given her a place of refuge, only to take it away again.
Maybe it wasn’t God’s plan for her to be here. Maybe this was just a rest stop on the road to where He wanted her.
If that was the case, she’d better get going. She wiped away her tears, opened up the computer, and started some new job searches. She checked housing prices and tried not to think of what she’d be leaving.
37
“Dad? Caleb?” Adam called out as he approached the stables the next Friday afternoon. He wasn’t thrilled with what he had to do, but anything was better than the torture of watching Maddy and Mia walk back from the school bus.
The two came in from the paddock, Caleb leading a slightly lame horse.
“Sanderson called,” Adam said.
“From the Lazy S?” Dad growled. “What’d he want?”
“Said he lost a couple calves to a mountain lion, wanted to put us on the lookout.”
Mountain lions were regular predators, but this time of year there was usually easier prey around than facing off with an angry mama cow. If there was a mountain lion actively attacking, though, they needed to get a handle on it now. Especially with a lot of very young calves.
“Huh,” his father said. “Didn’t think Sanderson would bother. Probably just wants us to help hunt it.”
“Don’t like killing them if we don’t have to,” Caleb put in.
“Yeah, but we haven’t been up on the high range for a while,” Adam said. “I figured we ought to head up tomorrow and check things out. Either of you want to come?”
“You bet,” said Dad.
Caleb shook his head. “I’ve got a potential buyer for a yearling coming in the morning. Micah could probably go, though. And a few of the hands.”
Adam nodded, an extra thought running through his mind. Maddy hadn’t said anything about Brock lately, and while Adam didn’t think the guy could actually find them among the hundreds of ranches around, there was a reason “better safe than sorry” was a common phrase.
“Will you keep an eye on Maddy for me?” he asked. “Her ex is still out there somewhere.”
Caleb looked down at him. “You’re kidding, right? You two really need to make up, and you can look after her yourself.”
Adam bit back a retort and simply shrugged. “Even if we could, I wouldn’t be here tomorrow. Just stick around, okay?”
“Sure, whatever. I’d better bring a few horses in so they’re ready for you in the morning. Dad, can you take Starlight here down to the last stall?”
Adam walked with his father and the black mare.
“In my day, we used to shoot cougars,” Dad grumbled. “I suppose you all will want to relocate it or something.”
“Maybe. Depends on how wide its territory is, and how much it’s got a taste for danger and young beef. Maybe we’ll scout out places for some of those flashing lights I’ve been reading about.”
His father snorted as he put Starlight into the stall. “Maybe we ought to build a cabin and put some hands up there for the season.”
“We’re down to four people, Dad, remember? The others were just for the calving season.”
“Right. Is Jesse still here? And Luis?”
“Jesse and Luis are here. And Dax and Wes. But Randy, Lou and the others are gone until next year. And Ty got fired, remember?”
“Is Uncle Dirt still here?” Dad’s eyes were worried.
“Yes, Dad. Uncle Dirt’s not going anywhere.” Adam clapped a hand on his father’s shoulder, checked that the stall door was latched properly, and walked with his father back to the house.
So many things to juggle.
“I feel like this will never end.” Maddy held the phone close to her ear early Saturday morning and kept her voice quiet. She didn’t need Little Miss Big Ears to start asking more questions. “Sophie, how did I get into this mess?”
“Aw, Maddy,” her sister said. “You didn’t do anything but fall for the wrong guy years ago and the right guy when things are still complicated.”
Maddy sniffed.
“It’s not like you set out to cause problems—they found you. You can blame that rotten ex-husband for everything.”
“I want to yell at someone,” Maddy whispered. “And then I want to just crumple and cry. Which sometimes I actually do.” Actually, she’d done that a lot this past week.
“Maddy,” Sophie said firmly. “Who is always there when we need someone?”
“Nonna.” Maddy wiped the tears off one cheek.
“No, even Nonna’s not always around. Think Maddy—who gives you comfort when you need it?”
Maddy sighed. “God,” she said reluctantly.
“Of course. So turn to Him and He’ll give you peace. You know He will.”
“God and I haven’t been very close lately.” If Maddy were honest with herself, she’d have to admit that she’d pretty much ignored God while she was so wrapped up with Adam.
She could almost see Sophie shake her head more than two hundred miles away. Maddy chuckled. “You’re twirling your hair around your finger, aren’t you?”
Sophie laughed. “Of course—I’m thinking! But seriously, Sis, you need to let God h
andle things.”
“Yeah right. He’s been hands-off so far.”
“Maddy, stop. You know He cares. If there’s one thing we all know, it’s that.”
Maddy sighed. “I do know. It’s just…I let myself fall in love and now it’s all a jumbled mess, Sophie.” She was almost wailing. “I feel like there’s no hope out there, that I’ll be alone and on the run forever.”
“I’d give you a giant hug if I could,” Sophie said. “So you hang up and get that hug from Mia instead, and then go have a long conversation with the Lord. You’ll feel better, I promise.”
Simply having someone give her directions calmed Maddy down. She said goodbye to her sister and rested her head in her hands. After a moment, she called out, “What are you busy with, Mia-Mine? Can you come give your old Mama a hug?”
Mia came running from her room and jumped into Maddy’s arms. The child squeezed tight around Maddy’s neck, and Maddy hugged her tightly back. She held her daughter for a long moment, until Mia leaned away and tilted her head.
“Are you sad, Mama?”
“A little. But your hugs always make me feel better, sweetheart.”
“Then here’s another one!” Mia drew her into a second long clench.
Maddy’s heart filled. Her problems with men might seem overwhelming, but the love from this precious daughter would sustain her through anything.
As would the love from God.
Maddy squeezed Mia one more time, then stood. “Are you fine with your toys for a while? I need some time by myself.”
“I’m reading, not playing,” Mia corrected her.
“That’s good, sweetheart. You can have a couple cookies if you get hungry.” Maddy kissed the top of her daughter’s head and sent her off to read and play.
In her own bedroom, Maddy dropped to her knees and poured her heart out. She apologized to God for leaving Him out of her life. She asked for strength, for understanding, and that He would bless her with peace and a way out of her dilemma with Brock.
She wanted to pray to have Adam back in her life, but there were such mixed feelings there, such apprehension and regret and hope, that she didn’t really know what she wanted.