by Shannon Hale
9Antonio is basically the leader of the Skunk Club, who used to think making graffiti and tipping over trash cans was fun till I showed them that fighting Super Villains is way more fun.
10The baron leads the LARPers—Live Action Role Players. They like to pretend they’re living in medieval times, I guess? Listen, when you spend most of your life hiding a squirrel tail in the seat of your pants, you don’t judge.
11I’ve been studying ASL, but it’s a complex language! Even my amazing squirrel powers don’t help me learn new languages overnight.
12I left my first squirrel friends back in California. I’LL NEVER FORGET YOU, MONKEY JOE!
13One of three apples that was part of my lunch, along with a pound of mixed nuts, a sunbutter sandwich, and six granola bars.
14 Listless Pines is the town right next to Shady Oaks. It got a Burger Frog restaurant before Shady Oaks did, and everyone still seems mad about it.
15So, the first day Ms. Schweinbein came to class I may have made a comment on how she smelled? Not in a rude way, just like Wow, you smell like a barnyard! or something. Or maybe she thought I was insulting her one of the times I fell asleep in class? I was just up late fighting crime, is all. I told her she wasn’t that boring.
16I’ve been to Listless Pines, and it doesn’t really smell bad? Prolly this is just something people from Shady Oaks say? I don’t know, I’m new here.
17At least four slices per. Middle school students be hungry.
18Ana Sofía’s last name is Arcos Romero. Isn’t that beautiful? It’s a Mexican cultural thing for kids to have both their parents’ last names and—Wait, she smelled sulfur? Oh, I bet I know what that means!
19I.e., “boots.” She wears boots almost every day solely to keep her socks clean and dry.
20That’s it, I need to go over whenever Thor stops by. I haven’t sampled the meat-filled ones, but Teresa also makes sweet empanadas stuffed with apple or pineapple and dusted with sugar. No, your mouth is watering.
21If you’re confused, basically Ana Sofía and Thor bonded over their shared admiration of socks. Yes, this really happened. It’s canon now.
22Warning: I just read ahead and Thor goes on about the socks of the Nine Realms for like an entire page, so if that doesn’t float your boat feel free to skip ahead.
23FYI: Asgard is where Thor and his folk are from. It’s one of the Nine Realms.
24Midgard is what Thor calls Earth, if you didn’t already know, which you probably did because you’re so smart.
25I’m surprised the phone didn’t just melt on the spot, TBH. Ana Sofía’s glares are legendary.
26Nobody’s perfect.
27Though between crime-fighting and school, I’ve had to cut way back on babysitting, which means I am a cashless wonder.
28People commission her to paint tiny plastic elves for them. This week she had a huge order from South Korea for painted elf larvae in addition to her regular elf clients in Oklahoma, so she was working overtime.
29Wouldn’t being a writer be the most amazing thing? To have that level of skill with wordage and clever imagination to create awesome books? Writers are the real Super Heroes, amirite?
30That happened in a previous adventure, which I also read and made comments about down here in the footnotes, which is a really weird thing, now that I think about it, I mean, how am I even doing this?
31I had to actually remove the battery for the rest of the day just in case. I don’t know this Winter Soldier guy, and he prolly means well, but I’m not excited to unleash him on my own neighborhood.
32I don’t even know how Tippy-Toe is familiar with the smell of lasers, and honestly I’m afraid to ask.
33That’s just a figure of speech. She doesn’t know I actually have a tail. I think.
34I did remember eventually. The next day in class when the teacher handed out the quiz. I scored 6/10. Oops.
35Dull-edged practice swords. Arrows with rubber tips. But still.
36Those weapons were never seen again. I think they probably buried them, but I never asked. Sometimes it’s better not to be too nosy about squirrel business.
37Seriously, do not play a balancing game with the girl who has a five-foot squirrel tail.
38I mean, I guess? I wasn’t feeling it, but I had to Build on Common Ground and all that.
39I’m just gonna go ahead and guess: 5) sleep, 4) cheese, 3) me? probably me, 2) socks, 1) her family, so I guess crackers, math, computers, and Thor didn’t make the top five. Don’t tell Thor.
40Aw, man, I wish I’d been around then and I could have said, Ana Sofía, you have the best ideas and let’s pretend-Punch candy together forever!
41It is! For me too! Please don’t give up on me, Ana Sofía!
42If you haven’t felt this recently, you might not be in middle school.
43That’s a thing, right? Like a sneak attack? It’s not anything gross, I hope.
44But, like, in a bad way. Screaming. Shaking. Slapping. Running into each other and bonking heads. That kind of nuts.
45That is, if they had squirrels at the zoo. Which they don’t. Which is good, ’cause, yay freedom! But also a little huh? Don’t think squirrels are good enough for your precious zoos, do you? Well, that’s your loss, buddy boy!
46Listen, if you have the option of choosing when you become a Super Hero, maybe wait till after middle school? Gets complicated, is all I’m saying. But do NOT tell my parents I said so, they are already pro-waiting-for-adulthood-to-fully-embrace-Super-Herodom, which just isn’t an option for me, thanks.
47Once I thought I did, but it turned out his name was “Herp,” which sounds, like, totally the same at first.
48Or from an objectively magnificent tail. Tails are the new uniforms.
49She didn’t meow. She said “Meow.” There’s a difference, so I just wanted to make sure we’re clear.
50Whoever said gravy makes everything better was obviously not talking about beautiful, fluffy squirrel tails, which don’t need anything to make them better, thanks.
51That was some solid Establishing Common Ground, if you ask me. It should’ve worked like a charm! I used I-messages and everything!
52Now I was 95 percent sure I was being insulted.
53Not exactly one of the Steps to Conflict Resolution, but I was getting irritated.
54Okay, this is a straight-up lie. The squirrels and I think cats stuck in trees are hi-lar-i-ous and were just laughing about it this morning TBH.
55Yes, cats are often faster than squirrels, but it’s all about proportions, my friend. Proportionally, I am, like, fifty times the weight of a squirrel, while she was twenty times the weight of a cat, so I might run fifty times faster than a squirrel while she only runs twenty times the speed of a cat…and I think that’s how it works.
56Good grief, why is it always Dennis?
57Seriously, have you seen little squirrels in action? I swear gravity doesn’t apply to them.
58Her embarrassing thoughts included daydreams she used to have about being friends with Thor, and mine were mostly about engaging in epic battles with Thor-size acorn weevils.
59Uh, going out on a limb here and saying if your lab partner tries to burn down the school and you just watch and laugh, then, yeah, that’s a problem.
60So his musk is, like, BO or his sweat or body oils or something. Can I just say, GROSS.
61Wait, people are supposed to say “Fine, thanks” all the time? Seems boring, not to mention uninformative, especially if you are being attacked by rabid red ants.
62Musk gravy. I just gagged a little.
63OMGosh I know he’s evil, but that’s just rude! Also Mouse Baby sounds amazing!
64Holy cow, I think I know who this is. A Super Villain I defeated in a previous adventure who somehow escaped S.H.I.E.L.D. custody. Aw, it’s really sweet of him if you think about it! I hope he’s doing well studying villainy in the Hydra Academy! Sort of.
65Except for my huge fluffy beautiful squirrel tail. And s
uperstrong front teeth. And proportional squirrel abilities. And fluency in Chitterspeak.
66Looks like I mentioned the not-a-school-night thing twice. I was feeling desperate.
67Look, I’m not complaining, but being fourteen is hard, yo.
68Hugging + cake is how my family solves 90 percent of our problems. Also popcorn + movies. And sometimes games of crokinole. It’s a Canada thing.
69At some point, logic says that will prove to be a faulty motto, but it hasn’t failed me yet!
70I totally have skin flap envy. But on second thought, skin flaps are probably not a feature that would make middle school any easier?
71Yes, we get it, you’re Hydra! The huge H is overkill, guys.
72I know what you’re thinking: But, Squirrel Girl, you look great in green! Thanks, but not every pasty human is so fortunate.
73Tippy basically said, “And humans think all squirrels look alike?”
74Garry literally aimed at me and shot plasma bolts! I couldn’t believe it! And after our friendly chat. Garry, what a disappointment.
75So I guess he wasn’t all bad.
76There is literally nothing Hydra agents won’t do to spread hatred and chaos in their pursuit of world domination, including wearing ill-fitting bear suits. But in this case, he was just covered in attack squirrels.
77This particular command has never, ever worked, but I keep trying it anyway, just in case, I guess.
78Which is like the number one thing you never, ever do to a squirrel friend, but the situation was desperate!
79I didn’t have a plan here. I was stalling, I guess? Till something about this whole scenario made sense?
80I was expecting something along the lines of You’re a losing loser who loses or maybe Your poo-colored BO will never defeat our sincere and lifelong friendship! or possibly Bite me, Turd Man.
81If this conclusion was a tad overdramatic, remember that I was shackled in an evil basement lair, so I’m kinda allowed?
82Aw geez, that wasn’t the best line. Next time I go into an evil lair I’ve got to remember to have some good battle puns ready to go.
83Priorities, amirite?
84Just like a cat. Or like Thor, I guess. Like Cat Thor.
85So basically he just throws his hammer really hard, and then hangs on to it so that he goes with it? Not sure if that’s physically possible, but I haven’t taken Physics yet. I’m still on Biology 1.
86Dude. I had no idea this was so hard on Ana Sofía. And she still saved the day anyway. Isn’t she literally the best in the entire world?
87He never had a chance. Beware the powerful glare of Ana Sofía!
88Pastel de tres leches means “three-milk cake.” It’s a light, spongy cake drenched with cream, sweetened condensed milk, and evaporated milk so it’s all juicy and yummy and there’s no way I’m missing Marco’s birthday party.
89Or the cake. But I didn’t have any cake handy so I was going to have to rely on the listening.
90Not that anyone’s asking, but this is one reason why I’m not dating till I’m in college, is all I’m saying.
91And/or a best friend to leave a party early with you, as we ended up doing. It was an okay party, but too noisy for Ana Sofía, so we went to my house and played video games for hours and ate all the cheese and crackers till we were almost but not quite sick. It was the awesomest.
92Or maybe they’re just in S.H.I.E.L.D. jail. But I prefer to believe they woke up from sproing-induced unconsciousness and declared, “Squirrel Girl’s awesome punching abilities made me realize I would rather be good and kind and sell ice cream flavors of the delicious variety!”
93Well, they definitely played it together. But after hearing the final product, I’m skeptical about any alleged rehearsals.
94Before writing this I deleted several paragraphs of verbal screaming. “Yep” was prolly better.
Will Murray and Steve Ditko created Squirrel Girl for Marvel Comics in 1991. We were thrilled to continue her adventures with this novel. As always, we owe a debt to the giants who came before us, especially the current creators of the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl comic series, multiple Eisner Award winners and suspected Inhumans Ryan North and Erica Henderson. You should check out their hilarious graphic novel The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl Beats Up the Marvel Universe.
Thanks to Andrea Shettle for her careful reading and wonderful feedback about Ana Sofía, ASL, and hearing aids. Thanks to Cece Bell, who also continues to look after Ana Sofía for us and is, as always, simply phenomenal. (If you haven’t read her graphic novel memoir El Deafo, you really, really should.) Andrea and Cece, we love you! Muchísimas gracias to Linda Medina Martinez for her help and insight with Ana Sofía and her family. If we erred in any way, all fault is entirely on us.
A shout-out to the US International Council on Disabilities and the wonderful work they do: www.usicd.org. Also disabilityinkidlit.com is a fantastic resource. Thanks to the writers there who share their time and tremendous experience. Love to thetrevorproject.org and all the Squirrel Scouts who support their lifesaving work.
Thanks to everyone at Disney and Marvel who helped make this book a reality, including Tomás Palacios, Hannah Allaman, Emily Meehan, MaryAnn Zissimos, Sana Amanat, Sarah Brunstad, Emily Shaw, Dan Kaufman, Adri Cowan, Lorraine Cink, Wil Moss, and Charles Beacham.
Special thanks to Deb Shapiro, Barry Goldblatt, Tricia Ready, Max Hale, the Janke kids, Margaret Stohl, and everyone who read the first book and said, “More, please!” This one is for you. And for Max. But also for you.