“Have fun,” I said with about as much enthusiasm as sending someone off to a funeral. “And don’t forget a jacket. You’re bound to catch pneumonia dressed like that.” I couldn’t help myself. I guess I just had to stick that in to further solidify my role as a jealous idiot.
Slamming the door behind me, I returned to my room and literally punched the wall. Smart. Taking it out on an inanimate object was really going to help.
I sat on my bed and nervously bopped my feet up and down. The silence was deafening as I held my head in my hands while my heart continued to pound. I was angry with no one but myself for letting my feelings for her get to this level. She had every right to be wined and dined by someone. She deserved the best that life had to offer, and I had nothing to offer her.
My body remained in the same position with my head down until I heard knocking in the distance. It must have been Nina’s date. The thought made my stomach turn.
I got up and peeked out the door, only able to make out bits and pieces of the guy.
Blondish-brown hair. Clean white shirt. Khaki pants. Boat shoes.
Boat shoes. Really? Fucking dweeb.
With my piercings and tats, I was the polar opposite of this dude. If this was the type she went for, then maybe my vibes from her have been all wrong.
When I heard Nina’s bedroom door open, I backed away from my own door so she wouldn’t see me creeping. Once she entered the kitchen, I repositioned my ear to eavesdrop.
I could hear him complimenting her and felt bile rising in my throat.
I opened the door a crack to see them. You should’ve seen the way he was gawking at her. I wanted to choke him because it was exactly the way I was looking at her earlier.
Dirty bastard.
Ryan asked them where they were going, and the guy started talking about some Italian place he was gonna take her to. I was sure he had lots of plans up his sleeve for later, too. I was onto him and needed to let him know it. So, I stepped out into the living room.
“She’s always wanted to go to Top of the Rock.”
All heads seem to turn around at once to look in my direction.
“Right, Nina? You love a good view from the top of a skyscraper. I hear the scenery is amazing, and the food is great.”
Okay, so that was a dick move.
Nina glared at me and wasted no time in talking her way out of my suggestion. “We can save that for another time. I was really looking forward to that Italian place.”
I gave him a darkened stare, sizing him up before walking forward and reaching out. “We haven’t met. I’m Jake.”
He gave me his hand, which felt easily breakable. Maybe that was because I was practically trying to break it. I wanted to break him.
“I’m Alistair.”
“Ass Hair?”
I heard him the first time.
“No…Ali-stair.”
“Ah…sorry, my bad.”
Nina was quick to stop this little exchange. “Alistair, I think we should get going.”
I wouldn’t take my eyes off her as she got her coat and prepared to leave with him. My actions were a fucked up way of showing her that I didn’t want her to go.
Then, she turned around one last time before leaving, and we had what could only be explained as a private moment where time seemed to stand still. I expected that maybe she would have looked angry after the way I’d behaved. Instead, she seemed to be urging me with her eyes, urging me to stop whatever it was I was doing, urging me to talk to her, to tell her how I felt. There were so many unsaid words in that one look. I knew she could see through me and what my antics were really all about. Jealousy was a bitch, and mine was transparent. It felt like a piece of my heart was walking out the door as she prepared to leave with him. My eyes were screaming a million conflicting things back at her, all the things I didn’t have the courage to tell her.
You’re so beautiful.
No one is good enough for you.
Please stay.
Stay…away from me.
“Bye,” I whispered, unsure if she even noticed. In the blink of an eye, our moment passed, and she was gone. But the aftermath of my actions tonight was far from over.
I’d returned to my room all of one minute before Ryan walked in without knocking.
“What the fuck was that all about?” he spewed.
“Ryan! Please. Feel free to just barge into my room whenever you like and shout f-bombs at me.”
“Answer my question.”
“What was that?”
“What kind of a game are you playing with Nina?”
“Game?”
“Yes. You’ve been spending all this time with her under the guise of tutoring, playing with her mind. Then, you take off every fucking weekend probably up to some shady shit. Now, the one time she actually goes out with a normal person, you try to fuck it all up.”
“Normal person, huh? What does that make me?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No. Why don’t you enlighten me before I vacuum my fucking rug with your face?”
“I don’t really know a thing about you, Jake, and I don’t care. But that girl is like family to me, and I don’t want to see her get hurt.”
“Why would she be getting hurt by spending time with me?”
“She’s not your type, okay? She’s a good girl.”
“And how would you know my type?”
“For one, I’ve seen you with Desiree.”
Fuck. Touché.
“That was nothing.”
He looked down at the floor then sighed. “Look, Nina told Tarah that she’s developing feelings for you. I’m not gonna sit back and watch her get destroyed by some womanizing asshole.”
His admission seemed to melt the anger inside of me.
She had feelings for me?
Fuck. She really did have feelings for me.
It wasn’t all in my head.
“You don’t know jack shit about me, Ryan, or how I really feel about that girl,” I cracked.
Tarah walked in. “Hey, what’s going on in here?”
“Tell your boy toy to stop making assumptions before he gets his ass kicked.”
She looked at Ryan. “Do you mind leaving me and Jake alone for a minute please?”
He didn’t move until she gestured her head toward the door. Then, he quietly huffed and exited the room.
I needed a cigarette badly. I took one out and walked over to the window to smoke.
“You know, you have a really funny way of showing Nina how you feel about her. Why don’t you just tell her?”
The smoke slowly streamed out of my nostrils as I stayed staring out at the midnight blue evening sky. My voice was barely audible. “I can’t.”
“I see the way you look at her. I don’t know what’s holding you back, but I suspect it’s not something small.”
Understatement of the year.
This conversation was bordering on dangerous. In my periphery, I could see Tarah with her head of short black hair tilted and her arms crossed as she waited for me to say something. I threw the cigarette butt out.
Finally, I turned to her. “She really has feelings for me?”
Tarah looked behind her shoulder as if paranoid someone was listening. “She’d kill me, Jake, if she knew I was talking to you about it. But yes…she does. She has really strong feelings for you, but I’m pretty sure she’s giving up, okay? There’s only so much rejection a girl can take before she has to move on.”
Rejection? It was resistance.
I let out a deep sigh and rubbed my temples. “Thank you. I’d like to be alone, okay?”
Tarah quietly slipped out of the room as I sat on the edge of my bed with my phone in my hands. The urge to tell Nina how I felt about her was unbearable. I wanted to text her but didn’t know what to say.
My fingers then seemed to have developed a mind of their own as they typed.
Don’t give up on me, Nina.
Erase.
Come home. We need to talk.
Erase.
I’m sorry I was an asshole.
Erase.
Nina, I was a jerk to you and your little friend.
Send.
I’m sorry.
Send.
And the Barney joke was stupid.
Send.
Actually, you looked so fucking hot in that dress, it made me a little crazy in the head.
Erase.
Actually, you looked stunning.
Send.
I lay back on the bed and shut my phone off before I could say anything further. Staying here tonight in my current mood wouldn’t have been good. I felt very out of control and worried I wouldn’t be able to resist showing her exactly how I felt when she came home. I could easily see her coming to my room to talk. I could more easily see me taking her against the wall before the words even came out of her mouth.
Over the next few minutes, whenever I looked at my bedroom wall, all I could see was a vision of fucking her against it until all of the rage inside of me exploded into her body.
Fuck. I really needed to go.
If I left now, I’d still make the late train to Boston.
I wanted to leave her something so that at least she knew I was thinking of her.
I took out my construction paper and folded a piece into an origami bat. Every time I’d start to write a message, I’d change my mind and crumple it, having to make another from scratch. I did this a few times but just couldn’t decide what to write.
The more time that passed, the more I second guessed leaving. What if she came to talk to me? I’d never know. For some reason, I just had to know whether or not she’d come to my room when she got home.
Then, a brilliant idea came to mind. I made yet another bat and wrote inside: Looking for someone?
Bunching up some blankets, I attempted to make it appear like a body was inside my bed. I stuck the bat in the middle of the pile, covering it with a comforter and strategically placed a Red Sox cap peeking out from the top.
Stepping back, I cracked myself up because it really did look like someone was sleeping in there. I made a note of exactly how everything was configured. If she messed it up even by an inch, it would be obvious that she came to see me. At the very least, the thought of freaking her out was amusing. Seeing the look on her face would have been priceless.
It was now completely dark out, and there was only a small window to get to the train station in time. Desiree was exiting the restaurant when I stepped outside. I tried to pretend I didn’t see her.
“Jake! Wait up.”
I turned around. “Hey, Desiree.”
“Long time no see.”
“Yeah. I know. I’ve been pretty busy.”
She grabbed my shirt and tugged at it with her long painted nails. “I just got off work. You want to hang out?”
Hang out. Right.
“I’m actually in a rush. I have to catch the last train to Boston. So…”
She leaned in and whispered in my ear, “I’m wearing that thong…red lace…the one you said you liked.”
Her saying it had no effect on me. If this were months ago, I’d have likely gone upstairs and taken that thong right off of her. The thought of that was now repulsive. It made me truly realize how deeply Nina had gotten under my skin, how strong my attraction to her was, both physically and emotionally.
“I’m gonna have to pass. I’m sorry. I hope you have a good weekend.”
She looked dumbfounded. I left her standing on the sidewalk as I jogged across the street to catch my train.
***
The next day, sunlight poured through the window in the guest room at my sister’s house. I reached for my phone and noticed that a text from Nina had come in earlier that morning.
Your body of blankets was getting pretty lonely last night, so I stuffed my ratty bathrobe in there with him. Hope you don’t mind. I think they’re getting along. They haven’t come out yet.
My ribs ached from laughing so hard. I wrote back.
Jake: That’s what you get for sneaking into my room again.
Nina: You got me. You must have gotten to Boston late, huh? What are your plans for today?
My stomach sank. Could you imagine what the truth would sound like?
I’ll be spending the day with my schizophrenic wife, Ivy, meeting with a doctor about signing off on a new type of trial medication for her and filling out some insurance forms. Maybe if I’m lucky, Ivy won’t have a paranoid episode or subsequently try to beat the shit out of me. I’ll spend the day with her then come home late tonight, get into bed and fantasize about eating you out while I jerk off.
I figured it was best to keep that to myself.
Jake: At my sister’s, family stuff, running some errands.
Nina: Sounds exciting.
She was digging for info and would have to be crazy not to suspect that I was hiding something from her. It always amazed me that she wouldn’t pry more than she did.
I toyed with the idea of asking her how the date went but didn’t really want to hear it if she had a good time. So, I opted not to bring it up.
Jake: What are you up to today?
Nina: Studying and trying out a new recipe I think you’re gonna like. You really got me into bananas.
Jake: Don’t tease me.
Nina: LOL. When do you come home?
Jake: The usual. Late Sunday night.
Nina: These might be waiting for you when you get here if I don’t screw them up.
A picture began to load. It was a photo of frozen bananas covered in dark Ghirardelli chocolate, encrusted with pistachio nuts. Oh, man.
Jake: Those look so good. Are you trying to kill me?
Nina: Maybe it’s my way of getting back at you for last night.
It was unclear whether she was referring to how I acted toward her date or my blanket trick.
Jake: Well, it’s working. You’re making me want to come home right now.
For way more than just the bananas.
Nina: See you when you get home.
Home. It really felt more like home there than it ever used to.
Jake: See you soon, Nina.
My sister’s voice vaguely registered. “Jake…”
Still looking down at my phone, I muttered, “Huh?”
“Who were you texting just now? I’ve been standing here trying to get your attention to see if you want to come to breakfast at the diner with us. You didn’t even notice me because you were too busy grinning like a fool for the longest time.”
“It was no one.”
Allison sat at the edge of my bed. “Look at you. Your face. You’re lying! Who was it?” She tied her long dark hair up into a bun and bounced up and down tauntingly. Her green eyes were identical to mine; it was kind of freaky.
“Al, don’t do this to me. You know I can’t lie to you for shit.”
“Uncle Jake said ‘shit!’” My seven-year-old niece, Hannah, came running into the room and jumped on the bed to tackle me.
“Oof, girl. You’re gettin’ big!”
“Hannah, don’t repeat that word again,” Allison said.
My other niece, Hannah’s twin, Holly, ran toward me a few seconds later, and both girls were giggling and crawling all over me as I tickled them.
“Girls, get off your uncle and go put your sneakers on. We’re leaving in five minutes to go get pancakes.”
The girls hopped off of me in unison and ran out of the room just as fast as they came in. All you had to do was mention food, and that was usually their reaction. I could hear my brother-in-law, Cedric, yelling at them for jumping down the stairs.
I stayed lying on the bed with my arms crossed behind my head as I looked up at the ceiling.
She wasn’t going to let me off the hook. “So, answer my question.”
“Her name is Nina.”
“Nina…that’s pretty. Who is she?”
“She’s my roommate.”
>
“Is she cute?”
“Why do you need to know?”
“Answer the question.”
“Yes, she’s pretty.” I closed my eyes briefly, picturing her face. “She’s…beautiful.”
“You like her…”
“Al…”
“What’s so bad about that?”
“Don’t ask questions you know the answer to.”
“Do you know when the last time I saw you smile like that was?”
“No, I don’t.
“Neither do I, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile like that.”
I sat up suddenly to avoid the inquisition. “I’ve got to get going to Ivy’s.”
“You can’t join us for a quick breakfast?”
“No. I overslept, and I have to meet with this doctor at eleven,” I said, looking around for my clothes.
“You deserve to be happy, Jake. You know that, right?”
Ignoring her, I threw on a shirt and put my watch on.
She continued, “This girl…does she like you?”
My tone was curt. “That doesn’t matter. She doesn’t know about Ivy. If she knew, she would freak the fuck out.”
“You don’t know that for a fact. She might understand.”
“Or she might want nothing to do with me, which is a much more likely scenario.” It wasn’t my intention to shout. “Plus, I’ve already lied to her by not mentioning Ivy for so long. That, in itself, makes it even worse.”
“Why does she think you take off every weekend?”
I let out a single angry laugh. “Honestly? I can’t imagine the scenarios running through her head. Either she knows something is up, or she thinks I’m just this weird guy that can’t go a week without seeing his sister.”
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