by Coll, Lea
“I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks. I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me before.” The words were so foreign. I knelt in front of her and took her hand in mine. “I know it’s too soon, but I’m going to show you that we can be good together. That I deserve you.”
She squeezed my hand. “You deserve everything good coming your way.”
“I hope you consider yourself part of that good.”
She hesitated. “I don’t know. My parents are kicking me out. Caleb’s being institutionalized.”
I didn’t know how I felt about that. It didn’t sound good, but her parents had been dealing with this for a long time and I was sure they wouldn’t make any decision lightly. “Is that what you meant about kicking him out?”
“Yeah, they don’t want him to be a burden on me, so they put him on a waitlist for state housing.”
“Maybe you’ve been looking at things the wrong way.” Maybe “wrong” wasn’t the right word. “To me, your parents seem like they want the best for you.”
“I know they do, it just hurts so much that Caleb won’t live here anymore.” Her eyes filled with tears as she looked around the room and I knew she was taking in the family photographs; she was cataloging the memories they’d made, and wondering if things would ever be the same.
“It was bound to happen at some point. All kids move out. You did.”
She swallowed. “That’s true.”
Was I finally getting through to her?
“I’ve been so stuck in my thoughts lately. I’ve been on an endless loop thinking I needed to give up myself to take care of Caleb.”
“You feel guilty because you moved out, because you weren’t here, but he’s not your responsibility. Caleb needs to get used to this new normal. You have a life in New Orleans.” With me.
“Maybe.”
I wanted to free her of some of the guilt she’d carried her whole life. “It’s going to be hard but I’m here for you. Your parents are here for you.”
Mrs. Leeds poked her head into the doorway. “Did you want to meet Caleb? He’s a little uncomfortable with strangers.”
“I’d love to.” I stood. I couldn’t believe I would finally meet the most important person in Taylor’s life. I was a little nervous because I hadn’t met anyone who was autistic and wasn’t sure what to expect.
When he walked in behind Mrs. Leeds, I almost couldn’t believe it. He was a larger version of Taylor—blond hair, light blue eyes, broad shoulders and an inch or so taller than me. His right arm was in a sling and he had some cuts and bruises on his face. His eyes weren’t focused on anyone in particular and they finally settled on the TV which was playing in the background.
I’d done research online before I arrived, and my limited understanding was that he probably wouldn’t acknowledge me or focus on me, but I waited for Taylor to take the lead.
Taylor hugged him. “My friend, Gabe, is here to visit.” She gestured at me, but Caleb didn’t move his eyes from the TV. “Why don’t you sit down, Caleb? You can rest and watch TV.”
Taylor guided him to the couch. “He loves watching TV,” Taylor said to me and I wanted to know everything about him, what it was like to grow up with a brother with a disability, what Taylor was like, and how her brother shaped her.
We spent the afternoon on her couch. Her mom brought more snacks out and family albums. Caleb rocked continually and I wanted to know why but I didn’t want to ask. Taylor must have noticed me watching him and leaned over to whisper, “He’s a little uncomfortable because you’re here. He rocks when he’s agitated.”
“I can go. I don’t want to upset him.” I didn’t want to leave but I had to be aware of Caleb’s limitations with new people. I stood, offering my hand to her parents, and told them it was nice to meet them. Then I stood in front of Caleb. He didn’t stand or acknowledge me but I said, “It was nice to meet you.” I touched his shoulder briefly before walking out of the room.
Taylor followed me, but I hesitated, wanting more time with her. “Go to dinner with me? Spending time with your family was the first time I ever truly felt like I was part of something. Thank you.” She stared at me without responding, so I said, “Well, I’ll call you tomorrow and maybe we could meet up then. I’ll see you later.” I turned to jog down the wooden steps.
“Wait.”
I stopped at the bottom of the steps, letting out the breath I’d been holding, and turned to face her.
“I’ll go to dinner with you.” She smiled softly and I knew she was giving me a chance and I couldn’t screw it up. “We can walk. I’ll show you my town.”
“I’d love that.” Her parents lived on a fairly quiet street only a few streets over from Main Street, the main tourist area, where the shops selling fudge, knick-knacks, clothes, and ice cream, and seafood restaurants were located. She took me past St. Mary’s, the school she attended. “Did you wear uniforms?”
“Of course we did.”
I grabbed her hand. “I’d loved to have seen that.”
“I might still have one. I could model it for you sometime if you’re good.” She smiled, the first easy smile I’d seen from her except when she’d greeted Caleb.
“That’s a tough one. I’m rarely good.” My voice lowered.
“I’m starting to realize that’s what I like about you.” She smiled up at me and I knew my heart was gone for this girl and I’d never get it back. We walked hand in hand down the street across from Annapolis Harbor, where throngs of people enjoyed the cool fall air.
“I always go to The Federal House to eat. Is that okay? You can get crab cakes and a beer. There’s always sports playing in the bar area.”
“Sounds good to me.” The restaurant was located near the waterfront across from the Marketplace building. We walked inside and were seated at a high-top table in the bar area.
We ordered crab cakes and beers and when the waiter was gone, Taylor said, “Listen, I appreciate you coming here, but—”
“But what? I’m not pressuring you. You don’t have to forgive me or get back together with me. I just want to be here for you, like you were for me. I want to be your friend.”
Friendship would be difficult because I was drawn to her in a way I wasn’t to Isaac. I wanted her but I could be patient.
She assessed me for a few seconds then said, “Okay.”
I smiled. “Okay?” I’d take it. I’d take whatever she was willing to give me. Hopefully, I’d wear her down over time and she’d see she could trust me—that I trusted her. That we needed each other.
She took a sip of her beer.
“Can you tell me where Caleb would live when he’s accepted into state housing?”
“I don’t know many details. I was so upset I haven’t even looked into it. I liked to think I could care for him myself, but I can’t. He’s so big and he can only go to a few familiar places and be with a few familiar people. I couldn’t have a career and be his sole care person.” She looked at me, then away. “I couldn’t see how I could have my own family if I was responsible for him. I couldn’t subject my kids to what I went through, which sounds awful.”
“It doesn’t. You’re being practical.” I was happy she’d gotten over the initial shock and seemed to be thinking logically about the situation. I hoped me telling her that none of this was her fault had gotten through. That she realized she was still a good person if her family reached out for help. They couldn’t do this on their own and they didn’t have to.
“Thank you for coming.”
For the first time since I’d arrived, her body was relaxed, her eyes soft, and her lips tilted in a smile. She’d carried this burden of responsibility for so long she needed to move to New Orleans to realize it. She needed me. Now I only had to show her how much. “I’ll always come for you.”
Chapter 29
Taylor
The next few days I continued to show Gabe my town, which was almost as fun as sight-seeing New Orleans. We toured the Naval
Academy, rode the trolley around town, took a boat ride, and walked down all of the side streets so I could show him what I loved about this town—the broken bricked sidewalks, the quaint homes, the museums. We even spent a day in D.C. because he’d never been.
I was so touched he’d cared about me enough to travel to Maryland to make sure I was okay, to meet my family, to see my home. I knew this was a big deal for him and I wanted to jump into his arms and tell him I’d forgiven him and I wanted to be with him, but I wanted to be sure I was making the right decision.
I’d slowly come to the conclusion that my parents were doing the right thing—the only thing they could do with Caleb. They needed to prepare for when they were too old to care for him. I got that and I wouldn’t make them feel badly about their decision anymore. It was the only real decision to be made.
I drove Gabe to the airport the day after we visited D.C. and I wanted to go with him so badly. For the first time, since I’d gotten here, I wanted my life back.
“Will you be back soon?” he asked when I pulled into the departure lane.
“I don’t know.” The more time we spent together the more I wanted to go back because I missed him and my life. I needed to get back to my job.
“Isaac said Hadley’s been planning the block party.”
“What?” I had no idea. She’d messaged me several times to see how I was doing, but nothing about the party. “I’m so sorry it slipped my mind with everything going on.”
“Hey,” his low voice sent a shiver through me and he touched my thigh for the first time since our fight.
“Yeah?” I asked stopping at the curb, knowing we had only a short time before an officer would tell me to move the car.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re right where you’re supposed to be. Hadley can handle it.”
“Still, I should get back and help her.” It wasn’t just Caleb that depended on me. I’d made friends in New Orleans.
“I’m not going to argue with you about that. I want you back too.”
“Give me a few more days to make sure Caleb is settled and my parents are fine.”
Gabe unhooked his seat belt and turned slightly toward me. He hadn’t kissed me during his visit, and I wanted to tug him closer, tangling my fingers in his hair, and kissing his lips. But I wasn’t ready to make that leap just yet and Gabe must have seen it on my face because he gave me a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll text when I land. See you soon.”
“Be safe.” When he shut the door and I pulled from the curb, my eyes filled with tears. I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t want to be states away from him. I missed him so much and his visit only reminded me of everything I loved about him. When I got through his rough exterior—the chip on his shoulder—I found this amazing man underneath. He was caring, kind, and protective. And his love was so genuine because he’d never felt it before. I hoped I hadn’t made the wrong decision in giving myself more time before I fell back into him.
The next few days I spent time with Caleb and made sure my parents were fine handling his recovery. Gabe and I texted throughout the day and he called me each night even if it was only a few minutes on his break. The night before I left, I was alone with Caleb in the living room watching TV.
Holding his hand, I said, “I’m going back to New Orleans tomorrow. I’m going to miss you.”
His gaze remained on the TV show, but his body tensed like he was listening to me.
“We can Facetime, and I’ll be back to visit soon.” The strong feelings of guilt continued to lessen with each day. My parents and Gabe continued to tell me it wasn’t my fault and it was starting to sink in. But I knew leaving this time would be easier only because Caleb was wearing his GPS tracking bracelet.
“I love you.”
He squeezed my hand in response and I smiled as tears filled my eyes. I rested my head on his shoulder and we continued to watch together in silence. Not only did my presence seem to calm Caleb but being with him brought peace to my life as well.
After being away for a few weeks, I was ready to be home when my plane landed on Sunday evening. I was ready to see Gabe. It was too bad he was working.
Walking down the long hall to baggage claim, I looked up to find Gabe leaning against the wall. I did a double-take, not expecting him.
My heart rate picked up and I was unable to take my eyes from his as I walked up to him. “What are you doing here?”
Instead of answering he pulled me into him and buried his face in my hair. “I wanted to see you.”
I reveled in his scent, his strong arms around me, as I wrapped mine around his muscular back and squeezed him tight. “I missed you.” I said it so quietly, I thought he hadn’t heard me, but then he pulled back, cupping my face in his hands and said, “Yeah?”
I nodded, drinking in his familiar face, his gray eyes, and the feel of his fingers. He leaned down, his mouth hovering over mine, “I love you.”
“I love you too.” No matter what happened between us my feelings hadn’t changed. I closed the distance between us, touching my lips to his. My arms went around his neck, his body flush against mine. His lips were soft and sweet. It was like coming home.
When he finally pulled away, I couldn’t stop the smile that spread over my face. “We’d better get my luggage before it’s removed from the belt.”
“Oh, shit. Yeah.” He tugged my hand and I followed him to the carousel where my suitcase was one of the few still going around in a circle.
“The red one is mine.”
He grabbed it, placing it on the ground to wheel behind him, and took my hand in his.
“You came.” It was an awesome surprise. I hadn’t even realized how much I’d missed him until I saw his face. We walked out into the muggy heat which I hadn’t missed and realized I was done being upset with what happened, but at the same time, I didn’t know what that meant for us going forward. Could I go back to how things were with him? Would he do something like this again?
“I wanted to surprise you. I’m so happy you’re finally home.” He smiled and the best part was I knew he’d never said words like that to anyone else.
I was the only person he’d ever truly loved—among family, friends, and lovers. It made everything so much sweeter.
“Me too. I enjoyed showing you my hometown and introducing you to my family. I’ve never introduced Caleb to a boyfriend before.”
His eyes shot to mine and I knew he hadn’t expected that.
“Caleb is uncomfortable around new people. There’s no need to introduce him to someone unnecessarily.” Someone who wasn’t an important part of my life. Even though we’d had some issues it didn’t mean Gabe wasn’t an integral part of my life, because he was.
Gabe was quiet for a few seconds. We came to a stop in front of his car. “I loved meeting your family. Anyone who’s important to you is important to me.” He paused and I knew he wanted to say something else but wasn’t sure how. “The fact that you’ve never introduced Caleb to anyone else is—I don’t know how to describe it.”
“You’re special, Gabe. I wouldn’t put Caleb through that otherwise. You’re special to me.”
“I’m so sorry, Taylor, for everything.”
I placed my hand on his chest. “No more apologizing.” I wasn’t sure where to go from here, but I knew I didn’t want him apologizing constantly. I’d forgiven him. Everyone made mistakes. It’s whether you learned from them and moved forward a better person that mattered.
He nodded and opened the passenger side door for me. Once I was settled and my seat belt buckled, he loaded my suitcase into the trunk, and slid into the driver’s seat.
“This is the first time you’ve ever driven me anywhere. I didn’t even know you had a car.”
“I just bought it, actually.”
“You did?” As long as I’d known him, he’d been stagnant in a way. Living in the same small apartment and working the same job.
“It’s all because of you.” He backed out of the
parking spot and maneuvered through the parking garage.
“No, Gabe. It’s all you. I may have made you realize that you could have more in your life but any steps you’ve taken are yours. Own that.”
He glanced over at me. “I’ve never met anyone who supported me, made me a better person.”
“As long as you remember you’re the one who makes yourself a better person. Not me.” He was so open in a way he’d never been before and he was saying all of the right things. But was it enough to erase what it took for us to get here? He’d never been in a relationship before. There were bound to be some issues and setbacks like Isaac said. The important thing was that we’d be there for each other through the hard times, making the good times that much better.
As he pulled out into traffic, I admired the city I’d grown to love as we headed to my apartment. “You know, moving here was the best decision I ever made.”
“I’m so happy to hear you say that. I have something to show you. I was going to wait but—there’s no time like the present.”
“No, there isn’t.” I leaned back, resting my head on the chair so I could study his face. His gray eyes I used to think were cold were now expressive, the sharp jawline, his soft lips. I loved this man and being with him was the only place I wanted to be.
I thought we were going to my apartment, but he pulled in front of the curb of a similar-looking house in my neighborhood. “What’s this?”
“You’ll see.”
The home was similar to mine, with white siding, tall black shutters, a porch at the entrance, and a balcony on each floor. “Is this the apartment building you’re considering?”
A small smile played on his lips, but he didn’t answer me.
“What are you up to?”
He grabbed my hand as he came around the car, pulled me into his side, and kissed my lips. “I’ll never get tired of this.” His thumb traced my lips. “Come on. I want to show you.”
His excitement was palpable. He unlocked the front door and we entered the foyer. But it was different than my building. The front door emptied into the foyer and as I walked down the long hallway, I passed a living room, a dining room, a kitchen. Long narrow steps went upstairs. “This isn’t an apartment.”