Instacrush: A Rookie Rebels Novel

by Meader, Kate

  She knew her parents were terrible role models. Given his past and how secrets had burned his heart, she understood he would never be on board with their brand of deception. No decent person would. She would eventually make peace with the lifelong betrayal by her parents but she still had a mission to complete. Amy could still be saved.

  “I’m here for my sister. I’m trying to get her back on the straight and narrow. This wasn’t about you, Theo.”

  His expression turned stony. “Yeah, dumb ol’ Theo is finally starting to get that. It never is. You’re always going to put your bad-news family before us. Before our family.”

  “You don’t know a thing about my sister.”

  He threw up his hands. “Why do you think that is? Because everything with you is army rules, on a need-to-know basis. Your sister seems nice, by the way, despite being a criminal mastermind and all.”

  “She’s not a criminal mastermind. She’s just misguided. I wanted to help her sort her life out before I introduced her to proper society. To you.”

  “And in the meantime, she’s fine with her pregnant twin meeting up with mob thugs to drop off money. Oh, she sounds like a peach.”

  Sarcasm noted. “I insisted. She’s too close to the situation and frankly, she’s scared of them. I’m not and I took precautions.”

  He shook his head vehemently. “Not good enough. You put your health and the health my child in danger. And you don’t sound even the teensiest bit regretful.”

  My child. “Your golden spawn is safe, Theo. Your precious bundle was never in any danger, so stop being such a drama queen.”

  “Right, I’m the dramatic one.” He stood. Dramatically. “Let’s go.”

  “So you can shout at me in a less public location?”

  “So I can put you on a flight back to Chicago and think about what we need to do to fix this.”

  “What’s to fix?”

  “The breakdown in trust between us.”

  Her heart contracted at the pain she heard in those words.

  “You don’t trust me, Theo. That doesn’t sound fixable. That sounds pretty damn unfixable.”

  High emotion marred his handsome features. “That’s it? You’re not even going to try?”

  An embryonic love might exist between them, but without trust it would never blossom. “For what? You need someone who follows all your directives, plays the subservient WAG, has no agency, and makes none of her own decisions. I’m not that person. Never will be.”

  “I’ve done nothing but figure out ways to protect you and our child. You’re the one who decided to keep everything inside, lying since the beginning.”

  She understood that, but he was asking her to change her personality overnight. She had work to do but she refused to apologize for trying to help her sister.

  “I should have told you about my family sooner, I get that. I had reasons for keeping those secrets. But I’m not some paragon of human communication, Theo. You want everyone to be an open book, to spill their guts, to keep nothing inside. Not everyone works that way. It takes time to peel back the layers and risk exposure.”

  His expression turned stormy. “Which is your way of saying you don’t want to change. You’d rather be like them, your parents. Keeping secrets, never confiding in anyone, only relying on yourself. I thought we were a team, Elle. Rather than build a life with me and the hatchling, you’d rather pretend solo is better.”

  “Not pretending. I’ve done just fine on my own up until now.”

  His jaw was as tight as a drum, his eyes darker than midnight. They’d reached an impasse—she could never meet his standards for honesty, he would never let make her own decisions.

  “Got it,” he grated. “I need to catch a flight to Edmonton for the next game. Text me if you need anything.”

  Still her protector, even as she pushed him away.

  Unable to speak, she could only watch as he stormed out and joined the busy throng on a New York street.

  31

  Theo sat heavily in a backrow seat on the team bus to the airport and kept his head down. Better that than seeing the disappointment etched on the faces of his team. He’d played like crap tonight and was largely responsible for the Rebels Game 2 loss against Edmonton.

  His emotions had ruled his game. Usually he could tune out the noise and let his great game instincts take over. He was known for his excellent ice IQ, his ability to see the plays from all angles and be where he was needed. But tonight, all that had taken a nosedive over the Plexi. He’d missed blocks, whiffed pucks, cleared poorly.

  Focus had deserted him, his brain running in perpetual motion, just not on the game. Only Elle. He couldn’t recall being so angry about anything or anyone—at least not since his mom. His recovery from Candy’s lies and betrayal had required building a callus over his heart. Letting the arrows slide right off him, so that by the time he’d approached Bio-Dad Nick, he was prepared and not even surprised that the man who would reject his mom would reject the product of their teenaged mistake. Being spurned by Nick—twice—had stung, but Theo had a will and disposition sunny enough to get him through.

  But over the last few months, that callus had been sanded off as he got closer to Elle. In its place was his exposed underbelly, at which anyone could take a shot. Elle’s go-it-alone attitude and her unwillingness to include him had hurt. Why should he even be surprised that this woman wouldn’t want to be a player on Team Theo? He wasn’t the kind of guy who attracted forever.

  Someone sat beside him. A thousand spots on this bus and he had to pick this one.

  Theo pulled out his earbuds because he wasn’t rude.

  “You played well tonight, double-oh,” he said to Gunnar. Tonight the crowd had gone wild when Bond was introduced, a mark of respect for the man who was picking up the pieces of his rubbled life and clawing his way back to the top of his sport.

  “And you played like shit, Kershaw.”

  Good old G-Man, telling it like it was. Gunnar continued with the ego boost. “What’s got you performing like a constipated, part-time league rookie who looks like he hasn’t seen ice in a millennium?”

  Theo held out for the fist bump. “Nice, G. Working on your people skills, I see.”

  Bond acknowledge the gesture. “How’s Elle?”

  “I’d be the last person she’d tell.”

  “Well, that explains tonight’s performance.”

  Theo gusted out a sigh. “She’s been keeping stuff about her family from me, putting them before the health of our kid.” Putting them before him. “We had a big blow-up about it.”

  “Any of this stuff a deal breaker?”

  “It wouldn’t have been if she’d come clean about it. It’s not the stuff, it’s the hiding of the stuff. It’s how she has to do it her way and not consult me when I thought we were a team.”

  Gunnar waited a long beat. “I’ve told you before that you’re a brave kid, Kershaw. A fighter. Now you’re at the top of your game—well, obviously not tonight, but usually—and part of your success is down to how good a communicator you are and how you’ve always known when to ask for help.”

  “I’m not afraid of looking like I don’t understand something. There’s no shame in relying on other people.”

  “Right. Your mom and dad let you down, but you figured out how to form a circle you could rely on. You’re a social animal, an extrovert, a guy who needs other people as a foil.” Gunnar’s lips twitched. “I’m guessing your girl has a different approach.”

  Completely. Elle didn’t need anyone—but that wasn’t completely true. With parents like hers, she’d be better off alone. Is that the lesson she’d learned? But she was starting to come around. She’d been so happy at the baby shower, every smile she sent his way as she opened a gift another brick smashed in the wall between them.

  And when he’d told her he loved her, she’d been shocked. Like she couldn’t believe it. Like she didn’t deserve it.

  “She’s not had a lot of peop
le she could rely on. Her family’s kind of a mess.” Including her sister, but Elle was trying to help her twin. So the strategy wasn’t fully thought out, but her heart was in the right place.

  He just wasn’t sure she’d ever want to open up that heart completely to him.

  * * *

  Elle opened her eyes slowly, letting them adjust incrementally to the early morning sunlight streaming across the bright white sheets. Super-soft, they had to be at least 1000 thread count.

  Quality linens for the guest room of Jackson’s condo. Being part of a “sort of connected” shipping magnate family appeared to pay well.

  A light rap on the door snapped her fully awake before her sister’s voice called out, “You decent?”

  “Debatable.”

  Amy pushed open the door and entered tray-first. Even at the ass crack of dawn, she looked perfect. Sharp Coco Chanel bob, a wicked slash of red across her mouth, those coal dark lashes that framed eyes bluer than the ocean.

  “Breakfast in bed!” On the edge of the bed, she settled a pretty tray laden with OJ, croissants, scrambled eggs and spinach, fresh fruit, coffee, and a cheerful yellow daisy.

  “Ames, you didn’t have to do that.”

  “Why not? You came all the way to New York and all you got was dumped.”

  Elle squeezed her eyes shut.

  “Sorry, too soon?”

  Her eyes snapped open. “Yes, too soon! It’s been less than forty-eight hours.”

  Blithely, Amy popped a blueberry into her mouth. “I made decaf. And I know you said you were trying to eat more healthily for your super-baby but I figure you can indulge with a croissant while you’re on vacation.”

  “I’m not on vacation.” At Amy’s fallen expression, she amended. “It’s lovely. I just—I need to get back to Chicago.”

  “But …” Amy left it hanging. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t trust you. When are you ever going to learn? “We haven’t spent any time together.”

  “I know. But even if Theo and I aren’t friends anymore, or—or anything else—we’ve still got the baby to consider. I said I’d be at every home game during the playoffs and I need to keep that promise.”

  Last night’s game in Edmonton had not gone the Rebels way. Even a hockey dud like Elle could tell Theo was off his game, and she knew it was because of their fight. So much for Jordan’s ludicrous claim that the players were good at shutting out their personal lives. Elle hoped that being in the arena with his child would give him a boost for the next game.

  She sat up and grabbed a fork, not really feeling it but knowing she needed to make an effort for her sister. The scrambled eggs were fluffy and surprisingly hit the spot. “Any word from George and Dee?”

  Amy rolled her eyes. “We won’t hear from them for a while. I can’t believe Dad tried the ‘mom needs an operation’ gimmick on Theo.”

  “I can’t believe he paid up.”

  “Can’t you? He did it for you. He wanted them out of your life because he loves you.”

  “He loves the baby.” He might have said he loved her, but she knew it was all tangled up in his love for their child. “He’s determined that nothing harms the kid, so he made a preemptive strike. Remove the poison.”

  Amy poured out the coffee. “But he didn’t have to pay anything at all. That says something. And then he hopped a plane here in the middle of the playoffs to fix my problem. Kind of like Darcy bailing out Wickham.” Her face registered shock. “Aw, hell, am I Lydia?”

  “Didn’t you know? I thought the flighty smugness would’ve clued you in.” Theo showing up in New York would have been a lovely gesture if he hadn’t been so pissed at her. “Grand gestures or not, we’re incompatible anyway. He’s all sun and open arms, and I’m clearly not. We’ll be co-parents, nothing else.” Her heart ached at the thought of getting exactly what she’d wished for from the beginning. Stealing a glimpse of the possibilities of forever with Theo made the idea of going back to before unbearably painful. This was why mortals shouldn’t mix with gods.

  “Why aren’t you compatible? I mean, the sex is good, isn’t it?”

  “Yes. But sexual compatibility isn’t enough. I want to contribute and not have Theo do all the heavy lifting. And I thought I was doing that by taking care of this problem for you without getting him involved. So he wouldn’t think I’m this bloodsucking leech.” It’s what she’d been trying to do since entering the army, but the moment she got pregnant, the scales became heavier on one side. She was taking out more than she was putting in—and Theo was paying the price.

  Amy smothered butter and jam on one of the croissants. “He was so mad when he tracked me down and found out you’d gone to that meet. I thought he was going to rupture another aneurysm.” She chewed on the buttery pastry, leaving little flakes at the corner of her mouth. “Seems the leech version of you is preferable to the—what did he call you?”

  “Lone wolf on a secret 007 mission. He’s kind of dramatic.”

  “He’s kind of in love with you. He’d rather you came to him for help, that you’d trust him with these problems. He’d rather you tackled things together and he has a point.”

  Easier said than done.

  “I know. I don’t deserve him.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying. But that’s obviously what you’ve been thinking all along. That this guy who wants to be your partner in all things is too good for you, that he wouldn’t like the real you if you showed your heart to him. It’s why Jackson and I got into this mess.”

  Amy’s marriage scam of Jackson was a little different, but there were obvious parallels. The huckster and the soft-hearted hottie one, in particular.

  “I don’t understand. How can Jackson possibly forgive you?” An odd pang that she could only label as envy pinched behind her breastbone.

  “I marvel at it myself but I’ve had some time to think about it. None of us is perfect. Jackson knows I have trust issues, that how I—we were raised has skewed our views on relationships. I’d always thought falling in love would make me weak. Would expose me to all sorts of hurts.”

  “It does.”

  Amy smiled ruefully. “True. I’m not good at it. Not yet. But I want to learn and Jackson wants to teach me. And while I needed his forgiveness, I also needed to forgive myself for some of the things I’ve done. Which brings me to you and Theo.”

  “It’s not the same,” Elle insisted. “I was doing everything in my power not to hurt him. I made sure he didn’t give me a penny, that it was all in trust for the hatchling. I resisted all his efforts to …” Be kind. Care. Love her. Shit. “And then when George and Dee showed up, I came clean. Told him what they were like. What I was like. And he still made that dumb call to give them money.”

  Her sister’s eyes warmed with sympathy. “So let me get this straight. From the minute you found out you were pregnant you went out of your way to prove to Theo that you were a bad bet and not worth the trouble. You hid—or tried to hide—all the attributes that make you my amazing sister so he couldn’t see the kind-hearted dummy underneath. You got mad at him for paying off our toxic parents and told him he had no right to be angry when you went on your lone wolf 007 mission.”

  Put like that …

  “He has this fixer mentality which means I feel helpless around him. He calls it teamwork, I call it patriarchy.”

  “Ooh, patriarchy! Wish he would throw some of that patriarchy my way.” She whipped out her phone. “Let me take a look at this epitome of virtue. I have to say I’ve been enjoying these little snippets into the life of a baller dad-to-be.” She pulled up Theo’s Instagram feed. He hadn’t posted anything since before their fight, which meant he was … upset? Busy? Retooling his brand? She had no idea.

  “Amy, don’t …” It was too painful.

  “Don’t what? Show how excited he is to be a daddy? I mean, look at this one.” Amy opened up one of Theo’s videos from a couple of weeks ago. Fans had sent him hockey-themed gifts for the baby: A pair of mi
ni skates in Rebels blue and white, rompers with “My Favorite Hockey Player is my Daddy,” and hockey rubber duckies.

  So adorable, but even more adorable was Theo’s joy while showing them. She missed him and his exuberance so much. “He’s excited to be a father and no one will be better at it. But that doesn’t mean we’re meant to be a couple.”

  “So that charm bracelet you’re wearing means nothing?”

  She couldn’t remove it from her wrist, which had swollen because, pregnant. “He likes to buy stuff.”

  “And put it all over his Insta Stories.”

  “What?” She grabbed Amy’s phone and hit Theo’s avatar. He never posted anything in Stories.

  Amy was right. Theo had clips in his Stories from the last twenty-four hours, a series of five-second shots of—oh, God—each charm on her bracelet: the dog tags, the hockey sticks fashioned into a heart, the baby feet. But there was one more, one she didn’t recognize.

  She played it again. No, it couldn’t be.

  “What’s going on here?” Amy asked fiercely. “Is it a message? A secret code? I love secret codes!”

  “Sort of. It’s a charm he hasn’t given me yet.”

  Amy played the Stories again, holding the phone between them. “Is that a lizard?”

  “It’s a baby T-rex. A hatchling.” At Amy’s blank look, she added, “Theo has a thing for dinosaurs. He’s got these briefs that …” Her cheeks heated remembering his dino-briefs and that first time they’d connected—and conceived a life. “It’s an inside joke.”

  “Do other people know about this dinosaur fetish?”

  “It’s not a fetish. It’s cute and adorable.”

  “A cute and adorable inside joke that he put on Instagram and only one person would get … hmm. Listen, Elle-Belle. From the beginning, it’s clear that you were desperately trying to not get Theo involved in the family’s shenanigans—I understand that, I do. But I think you were also holding him at arm’s length because you were worried about falling for him. Worried you weren’t good enough when really you’re the purest, sweetest person I know.”