One corner of his mouth twitched up and she hated how that slight gesture affected her. One little lopsided smile and she felt her anger melting against her will.
Without her anger she was defenseless. She crossed her arms in front of her as if she could shield herself with that movement. This new sensation—this vulnerability—she did not like it.
“Tell me what happened between you and Abigail,” she demanded.
He blinked. “Pardon?”
“You evaded my questions yesterday, but I deserve to know.”
His brows shot up. “Do you?”
She nodded. “Of course I do. She was my friend. You were my friend. Doesn’t that give me a right to know what happened?”
His brows drew together. “No.”
She huffed and tried again. Curiosity was eating at her—it had been for nearly twenty-four hours. Why it meant so much to her to know, she could not quite say.
All she knew was, it seemed terribly important. His choosing Abigail over her had ruined everything between them. Knowing what came of that choice seemed paramount.
Thinking quickly, she looked up and down the hall and noticed a door ajar. Tugging on his arm, she slipped into the exposed room, noting it was a study of some kind. He hesitated, giving her a narrow-eyed stare. “This is a terrible idea.”
“Oh fluff,” she tugged again. “It will be if you don’t hurry up and allow me to close the door.”
Indecision flickered in his eyes for just a moment before he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. “What are we doing in here?”
She crossed the room and took a seat on the settee under the window. “I want to hear about all of it. What happened between you and Abigail?”
His chin pulled back, his arms crossing over his chest. “Why should I tell you? You never tell me anything.”
Lily winced. That was true. But how could she trust him after what had happened? She gave him a beseeching look. “Why would I tell you everything when you can read my mind?” She nodded toward the game room. “You said so yourself.”
He narrowed his eyes, but they danced with laughter. “And you said it was just a silly game.”
She clasped her hands before her. “Please. I promise to be on my best behavior.”
He eased further into the room. “Your best behavior is sneaking into a study with a gentleman?”
That made her laugh. A loud tinkling sound that had her clapping her hands over her mouth to keep anyone from hearing. “Fair point.”
“What happened between you and Abigail?” he asked. “Before I left for the continent, you two were friends.”
He sat down in the chair across from her. She stretched out onto the settee, not meeting his eye. This time it wasn’t because she was annoyed, or angry. But because there was an intensity to his gaze she’d never experienced before. “You’re staring at me, Merrick.”
He leaned forward. “You’re beautiful.”
That made her blush, heat filling her cheeks. “Don’t say that. It muddles everything.”
He was silent for a long moment. “It’s time for us to tell the truth. There are too many secrets between us, too much that was left unspoken.” Then he leaned back in his seat. “Which of us is going to start?”
She shook her head. “Abigail stopped being my friend when a crowd of debutantes with more social standing wanted her to be one of their compatriots.” She didn’t mention the teasing or the torture when she’d been near helpless.
He winced. “I should have known.” He raked a hand through his hair. A gesture he rarely indulged in. He normally never mussed his hair, preferring the strands to be neatly arranged. “She did the same to me, it turns out.”
“What?” The single word came out in a gasp.
He stood then, crossing to the settee where she sat. She froze as he sat down on the end of her settee near her feet. Normally, his physical presence brought her comfort but something was shifting and her heart began to thrum in her chest. He leaned his elbows down onto his knees.
“She and her family came for a visit to my family home. They were to spend a week getting to know my family and giving us an opportunity to get to know one another better.” His face hardened, a muscle in his jaw ticking. “You know what a flirt my brother is.”
“No.” She pulled up into a sitting position, leaving her feet behind him. “Tell me that she didn’t end your courtship because—”
“That’s right.” His hands squeezed together. “My brother, the Earl of Hastings, seemed a much better catch than me.”
His voice was tight as he stared down at her hands. Without thought, she pushed forward, wrapping her arms about his shoulders and pressing her cheek to his shoulder. “They’re heathens. The lot of them.”
One of his hands drifted up, pressing to her arms as his fingers encircled her biceps. “Thank you, Lily. I’ve needed someone to say that these last six months.”
She’d bet he did. Just as she’d needed him to say that all those debutantes didn’t matter. But that wasn’t what he’d said at all.
She moved back then, pulling her legs from behind and drawing her knees up to her chin. “Was she cruel about it?”
He raised a shoulder. “Not excessively.”
“That’s good. I’m glad.”
He looked over at her. “Was she cruel to you?”
Her words clogged in her throat. “Excessively.”
He shook his head. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
Slowly, she shook her head. “I don’t think I’m ready.” She wasn’t sure she’d tell anyone ever. She’d considered herself strong and independent, but she’d been a victim then. Something she swore she’d never be again.
He reached for her hand, slipping her much smaller fingers into his larger ones. His hand was harder than hers, the pads of his hand firm from riding and shooting. “I’ll listen whenever you wish.”
“Thank you. That’s very kind.” That was the Merrick she remembered. Infinitely patient and willing to accept her just as she was.
He let out a long breath. “Lily.”
Her gaze flicked to his, her heart flipping in her chest. “Yes?”
Merrick shifted closer. “I’d like for us to be...friends again.”
The word fell between them like a lead weight. She hadn’t come here wanting to be his friend and she still didn’t. But her reasons were shifting. “The past…it’s too…”
“What?” He leaned closer. “Tell me what happened between us.”
How could he not understand? She stood, her hands landing on her hips. “You tell me. You’re the one that changed.”
He winced. “My family. They had expectations. They—”
“How has that worked out?” She knew she should stop. But the emotions she’d bottled for so long were coming out. “Are they happy? Are you?”
He shook his head, standing too. “No.”
She drew a deep breath, expanding her lungs, her chest, her shoulders. Words she’d never said balanced on the tip of her tongue. “Is it possible you’d be happier if you lived like we used to? Before you cared so much about what everyone else wanted and—”
She stopped speaking, her jaw snapping shut as the doorknob rattled.
“I locked the door,” he murmured, a protective hand coming to her waist.
“Good thinking.”
“As soon as they’re gone, we should return you to your parents. We wouldn’t want to arouse suspicion.”
No. He wouldn’t. He was a man who cared deeply about what society thought.
His words were a sobering reminder of how differently they now viewed their priorities and the world around them.
She’d do better to keep her opinions to herself. He clearly didn’t wish to hear them.
Chapter Six
Merrick watched Lily march ahead of him, her head held high and her back straight as she led the way to a sitting room cluttered with card tables and ongoing games.
Lily’
s mother was playing whist when they approached.
“Ah, there you are, dear. I was beginning to wonder.” She gave Lily an obliging smile he’d rarely seen before and once again he was forced to wonder what had transpired all those years ago that had so altered the way Lily’s mother treated her.
She used to be a formidable old woman, all lectures and stern glares. There was a time when Lily disappearing during a house party would have led to severe ramifications.
But tonight…? “Will you join us?” her mother asked mildly.
Lily shook her head. “I merely came to say goodnight, Mother.”
“Oh.” Her mother’s eyes widened. “Are you retiring already? Daisy will be so disappointed to hear that.”
Merrick bristled with impatience. His customary manners and charm were nowhere to be found as he caught Lily’s arm and leaned in to speak directly in her ear. “Lily, wait—”
She jerked her arm out of his grasp, but her smile for her mother’s sake never faltered.
His nostrils flared as he drew in a deep breath and prayed for patience. They’d started to make some headway. For the first time in a long time, she’d actually spoken to him. And for a moment there, he’d felt their old connection. He’d felt it and had been struck anew by how much he’d missed it.
And then some passersby had walked past the locked study and everything had changed. She’d retreated back into herself and walked out of that room without looking back.
She’d walked away from him.
Again.
Without an explanation.
Again.
But this time, he wasn’t about to sit back and let her go. Not without understanding what had gone wrong. One day she’d been happy to see him returned home from the continent, and the next she’d snubbed him, treating him like some acquaintance she barely knew.
But what had happened? What had changed?
This time he wasn’t letting her walk away without finding out.
He moved in closer, overhearing enough of her conversation with her mother to know that Lily was still making her excuses.
“Actually,” he interjected with a beaming smile for Lily’s mother. “I was wondering if I might escort Lily outside to the veranda for some fresh air before she retires.”
Her mother’s brows shot up, her lips parting with surprise.
Lily, on the other hand, was staring daggers into the side of his face as she turned toward him. “What?” she hissed.
He ignored her, focusing on her mother instead. “I think some cool air might be good for her health.” He arched his brows meaningfully and watched as the older woman’s gaze softened with affection. “How thoughtful you are, Lord Merrick. You always were so good to my Lily.”
His smile felt more natural as he thought back to their youth, when he’d helped Lily get into one scrape after another. Either her mother had a faulty memory or her newfound lenience toward Lily extended to him as well.
“So you would not mind then?” he asked.
“I would mind,” Lily muttered beside him.
Both he and her mother ignored her.
“Of course not.” She came to stand, setting down her cards with a wink. “I was losing here anyhow.”
And that was how he found himself escorting Lily around the lantern-lit grounds along with several other young couples looking for a moment of peace to converse.
He spotted the duke and Daisy in a shadowed corner and steered Lily in the opposite direction.
The last thing he needed was for Lily to dash off to her friends for assistance in avoiding him.
“What do you think you are doing?” Lily demanded the moment her mother fell behind to act as chaperone from a respectable distance.
“Finishing what we started,” he said.
Her head snapped up and her gaze met his. Anger was there, certainly. She’d never been one to enjoy being strong-armed into anything, even if it was just a stroll. But there were also other emotions there, and they tugged at his gut. Wariness. Vulnerability…
Fear.
He stopped walking to face her. “Tell me what happened between us. What did I do that was so wrong?”
A muscle in her jaw twitched, the only giveaway to her discomfort. “You changed,” she finally bit out.
He sighed loudly. How many times had they been over this? Too many. He gave his head a little shake. “I had time to think about what I was doing to my family by not falling in line,” he said. “You know how much my parents worship my brother and it’s only natural that they would want me to be more like him.”
Her brows shot up. “Unbearably conceited and shamelessly manipulative?”
He narrowed his eyes. His brother had his faults, but he’d never heard anyone else speak of him like that.
“You were always a better man than he ever was—”
“Try telling that to my parents.” The words tumbled out before he could stop them and the flash of sympathy in her eyes made him groan. He ran a hand over his face. “We are getting off topic. I’m not here to discuss my family—”
“Maybe we ought to be discussing them if they are the reason you decided to alter your entire personality just to make everyone like you.”
He flinched at the barbed tone as much as the words. “I haven’t changed entirely,” he said, his voice stiff as he moved closer to her, shifting them closer to the shadows and further out of her mother’s earshot. “I am still the Merrick you know.”
“The Merrick I knew would never have—” Her mouth clamped shut as her eyes darkened with frustration. “Forget it. You might say you grew up, but I say you gave in. You left as my wild and reckless friend and you returned just another one of Abigail’s sycophants.”
She started to turn away from him, but not before he caught a flash of hurt that left him reeling.
Abigail. It always came back to Abigail, but he had a feeling he was missing something crucial.
Frustration had his hands clenching at his sides. “What does Abigail have to do with any of this? You were her friend. My parents thought it would be a good match and I thought you would too.”
She whipped around, fire in her eyes. “You chose her.”
He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “You keep saying things like that. Like my courting her somehow meant I’d betrayed you—”
His gaze narrowed on her as he remembered what she’d said earlier. About the way Abigail had treated her. “Lily, I did not know that Abigail was mistreating you. You never told me.”
That last part came out as an accusation, and he felt a surge of anger as he said it. He’d come home so determined to be the gentleman his parents wanted him to be. To live up to the sort of man his brother had become. To stop disappointing them and start proving that he could be the son they’d always wanted.
He’d thought that with her debut season, Lily would feel the same. That it was time to give up their childish pranks and silly pastimes and get serious about finding good matches and creating families and homes of their own.
He’d thought they would do it together. And instead, everything had fallen apart.
Her eyes glinted dangerously in the dark, but whether it was from anger or unshed tears it was impossible to say. Either way, the look in her eyes tore his chest in two.
Betrayal. It was there for him to see, that sense of hurt and betrayal.
“I never chose her over you,” he said softly, a note of pleading in his voice. “I did not know that she was being so cruel to you.”
She scoffed under her breath, but he caught a hint of hope in her eyes and he clung to it. He reached for her, forgetting about her mother’s watchful gaze or the other couples nearby. He held her by her arms until she lifted her chin to meet his gaze.
“I never meant to choose her over you. I never meant to make you feel as though I was not your ally. I never—”
“I heard you.”
Her quiet cold tone cut him off like a knife. “What?”
&nb
sp; She sniffed. “I heard you talking to her. She was saying how pitiful I was, what a scandal I would become, what a wallflower I was destined to be…”
Her words came out quickly, tumbling out of her mouth in one long stream. He tried to keep up, his memory calling up conversations with Abigail. It was true that from the moment he’d returned to London she’d been whispering in his ear about how he ought to fear for Lily’s reputation. How she was hurting her own chances, and how she’d mar his reputation merely by being his friend.
“She basically asked you to cut me off and you agreed.” Lily’s voice was outright shaking as she finished, tugging away from him but his grip tightened.
The memories were back in full and a dawning understanding left him gaping. Abigail had been hinting that he should leave her behind. Cut off their friendship for the sake of their relationship and for his family’s good opinion and….
“I had no intention of abandoning you.” It came out louder than intended and he softened his voice as her eyes grew wide. “Lily, I would never have just...walked away from our friendship.”
“But you said—”
“She’d badgered me regularly. I would say things like, I know…so you’ve told me.”
Lily gasped, covering her mouth with her hands. She finally dropped them. “But you didn’t agree with her?”
He frowned. “Well, you do have a tendency to act rather rashly. I’ll confess that I agreed with her on that. That was something I tried to talk to you about. You really ought to temper that tendency—for the sake of your future happiness. But I wanted to bring you with me,” he said. “I wanted to talk some sense into you. I couldn’t understand why you were being so stubborn about sitting out every dance or leaving every party before it had even begun…” His voice trailed off as so many pieces fell into place.
Her illness.
Her stubborn pride that wouldn’t have wanted anyone’s pity. Not even his. Was this really what had happened? He needed to know.
“Lily,” he sighed. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you talk to me?”
Her eyes were wide and glistening with unshed tears. There were too many emotions there for him to read, and his own chest ached with regret and hope and affection and...desire.
A Lord for Miss Lily: A Wallflower’s Wish Page 5