by Cole McCade
My phone buzzed with yet another text. Natalie. I sent her a quick message that I’d arrived safe and had not been mauled by a bear. I ignored the message from Anna, my old roommate, about some dishes I’d apparently left behind and if it was okay for her to have them. Whatever. She could knock herself out. She’d stolen a bunch of my other shit, so I wasn’t sure why she was contacting me about this. I considered blocking her number so I’d never have to speak to her again.
I reached out and stroked Dolly’s velvet head. She leaned into my touch. “What are we gonna do?” I asked. She didn’t answer.
Later that night, after I unpacked my car and had dinner that consisted of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and a fiddlehead salad, I sat on the couch as Mom watched a reality talent show and Dad read.
This was my life now.
“What are your plans for tomorrow?” Mom asked during a commercial break.
“I’m not sure.”
I hadn’t thought any further than today. Everything else was a blank. I was always the girl with the plan, but now, I was adrift. An unmoored boat, lost at sea with no hope of rescue.
“I was talking to Cindy Malone the other day and they’re hiring for summer help at The Lobster Pot,” Mom said. “You did that in high school. I know she’d hire you. At least it would give you something during the summer until you can find something more permanent if you need to.”
I tried not to make a face and instead grabbed one of the books on Dad’s “to be returned to the library” pile. Another young adult book; this time a Cinderella retelling. I read the blurb on the back and if I wasn’t mistaken, it was a romance between two girls. I was surprised that my dad would want to read that. I wasn’t going to comment, though. I cracked open the book and started to read. Mom still stood waiting for an answer.
“Oh, uh, sure. I’ll call her tomorrow,” I said.
I mean, what else was I going to do? Go down to the local bar and take up day drinking? Hang out at the gas station with the local teens? Sit on the beach with the tourists and get a horrible sunburn? I tried not to think about what I could be doing right now, if I was in Boston. Maybe dinner and drinks or pizza with my friends, a hot yoga class at my favorite studio, or even just taking a book to a coffee shop to read for a while and watch people pass on the street. If I wanted to have a professionally made cup here? I’d have to drive at least ten minutes and they definitely didn’t have nondairy milk or know what a macchiato was.
Not that I could even afford a macchiato since I was fucking broke, and I needed money sooner rather than later. Working at The Lobster Pot was my best option.
“Sounds good, baby girl,” Mom said with a smile. Her shoulders relaxed and she sat back in her chair. I realized she’d been worried. She seemed to be relieved I’d agreed to her plan so easily.
My parents and I hadn’t really talked about what happened and why I was back, mostly because it wasn’t for just one reason. There were many reasons, all culminating with me packing my shit in my car, loading up my dog, abandoning my friends, and driving back here.
I asked Mom if there was any ice cream in the freezer and she said that there was. While I was getting a spoon, I glanced out the window, which happened to look right into our neighbor’s living room.
Jude.
The lights were on and she stood in the living room wearing nothing but a sports bra and some athletic shorts. The spoon I’d just grabbed clattered on the floor. As I stood up from retrieving the spoon, I found her staring directly at me. Instead of looking away like a normal person, I stared back.
Her hair had been long in high school and her arms hadn’t been so...sculpted back then. At least not that I remembered. My mouth went dry and I held on to the spoon for dear life.
“What are you looking at?” a voice said behind me and I shrieked and dropped the spoon again. I turned around and found my mom leaning over my shoulder to see what I’d been staring at.
“Oh, nothing, just staring off into space.” I rushed with my spoon and the ice cream back into the living room. My parents kept the room dark and the only light was from my dad’s lamp and the TV, so I could hide in a corner with my lobster-red face.
What had come over me? I’d just stood there leering like a fucking creeper. Part of me expected a knock at the door and for her to storm in and ask what I’d been staring at.
That didn’t happen, but it didn’t stop me from looking up from my book every few minutes to check and make sure.
Before bed, I took Dolly out to do her business and my eyes kept flicking over to the house. The lights were still on, but I wasn’t going to stare this time. I hadn’t asked for more information from my mom about Jude, but I did wonder what she was doing back here. She’d hated this town, from what I remembered, so it couldn’t just be because of her parents’ house.
High school in a small town in Maine was brutal for anyone who didn’t conform, and Jude had been adamant about not conforming. I’d done my best to get through, and the drama club had been my safe haven. I’d never thought seriously about acting after high school, since that was way out of my league, but I still thought about it every now and then. There was a community theater group a few towns away. Could I put myself out there and get into it again?
Dolly was taking her sweet time, sniffing the bushes at the edge of the porch to find the right one to pee near. I jumped as I heard a door slam, the door to the neighbor’s house.
I froze with my back to the house, pretending I wasn’t completely aware of what was happening. Was she leaving again on that motorcycle? Where would she go tonight? The only bar in town closed in less than an hour, and there was nothing else open. Unless she might be going to a friend’s house for a party?
Or perhaps she was going to the beach for a midnight swim. I shivered at the thought of Jude slipping beneath the waves like a mermaid.
My ears perked for the rumble of the motorcycle starting up, but I didn’t hear it. Dolly finally found her perfect spot and did her thing. She seemed content to sniff around the yard, so I let her, wrapping my arms around myself and breathing the sharp sea air. I’d missed this smell, even if I hadn’t missed much else. Maybe I’d go for a midnight swim. The only danger of doing that in the height of the summer was encountering drunken teenagers, out having a bonfire on the beach and smoking a lot of weed.
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths before turning around. I told myself not to look at the porch next door, but my eyes had other ideas.
She was there, sitting on the porch on an Adirondack chair and staring out toward the ocean, just like I’d been doing. An open beer rested on the porch railing.
I swiveled my head away so she wouldn’t catch me looking again, and at that moment Dolly decided that she’d make a mad dash for Jude’s yard.
“Dolly!” I yelled as she bounded up the porch and went right for Jude. Well, shit. “Dolly, come back!”
She completely ignored me. I was going to have to go get her.
Groaning inside, I dragged myself over to the house, preparing for anything. What I found was Jude petting Dolly’s head and Dolly closing her eyes in bliss and then trying to climb in Jude’s lap.
“Dolly,” I said, but she acted as if I wasn’t even there. “I’m sorry. I should have kept her on the leash.” I couldn’t look up at Jude, so I watched her hands stroke Dolly’s head. The air around the porch seemed thicker somehow, or maybe it was just harder to breathe near Jude.
“It’s okay,” she said, and I felt like I’d never heard her voice before. I wasn’t sure if I had. “I don’t mind.”
Dolly finally stopped trying to climb into the chair and settled for putting her paws and her head in Jude’s lap.
“Sorry,” I said again. I needed to take Dolly and get the hell out of here, but I couldn’t move. My feet were glued to her porch.
“Haven’t seen you in a while,
Iris,” she said. Her voice had a rough quality that made me think of bar smoke and darkness. There was a hard quality about her that made my stomach flip over a few times.
“Yeah, I moved back today.” My gaze finally crept its way up to her face only to find her watching me with fathomless brown eyes. Her face was all sharp angles, along with her haircut. A fluttering in my stomach erupted, and I forgot what we were talking about until she blinked again.
“When did you get back?” My voice trembled, and I hoped she didn’t hear it.
Her fingers danced back and forth on Dolly’s head. “Last year,” she said, but didn’t elaborate. Chatty.
“I should probably go,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Stay if you like,” she said, picking up her beer and gesturing to the empty chair next to her.
“Okay?” I collapsed into the chair and tried to calm my galloping heart.
“Do you want a beer?” she asked after a few seconds of silence.
“No, thank you.” What was I doing here? I should have grabbed Dolly and run back into the house. Was Jude doing this so she could confront me about staring at her earlier?
I had no idea how to have a conversation with her so I stopped trying to think of things to say and just sat there, my insides twisting around like pissed-off snakes. At least Dolly was enjoying herself.
Jude didn’t seem eager to say anything either, so there we were. I kept expecting my mom to open the door and yell for me to come back. At least that would give me an escape route.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Jude. She petted Dolly with one hand and the other lifted the beer to her lips periodically. She wore a T-shirt and the same shorts as earlier.
I needed to stop thinking about that earlier non-outfit. I blushed hard and hoped she couldn’t see in the dark.
If I strained my ears, I could just barely hear the crash of the waves. Somewhere nearby, a soft boom followed by another let me know someone was setting off fireworks.
“That’s a cool motorcycle,” I blurted out, and wished I could walk into the ocean and disappear.
“Thank you. It’s not very useful in the winter, but it’s good for getting around in the summer.” She pressed her lips together as if she’d said too much.
“I’ve never been on a bike. I’m scared I’d fly off or something.” This kept getting worse and worse.
“I’m sure you’d be fine, once you tried it. Do you always let fear dictate your life?”
I sat up, shocked. “No,” I said, but it didn’t sound convincing. “You don’t even know me.” I didn’t know her either, but I was the one being called out.
“True. Just something to think about.” She moved Dolly’s head and stood up. “See you later,” she said, and went into the house, leaving me and Dolly wondering what the hell had just happened.
Dolly came over to me and whined.
“Let’s go home,” I said and she seemed to understand me. I got up with shaking legs and made my way back to the house. The lights were still on next door when I glanced back one more time.
Chapter Two
Jude
I tried to remember her, but since there had been four years between us in high school, the memories were hazy. She’d had friends, from what I’d seen, and seemed to do okay in that fishbowl environment. Not always fighting against the current like me.
I didn’t know what she was doing back here, and I was trying not to care, but this was one of the first interesting things to happen in Salty Cove in a while. I also hadn’t missed the way she’d looked at me earlier. Might be my imagination, but I was pretty sure I’d seen interest there, which was interesting on its own. She’d definitely been interested in guys, last I knew. I’d known that I liked girls, and girls only, from a young age. I’d refused to hide who I was and had come out at an age where kids were the most vicious. Still, I’d gotten through it but bore the hidden scars.
Not that I was going to pursue anything with her, even if she was interested. No, I wasn’t ready, even now. It had been more than two years but not much had changed. Living in Salty Cove and fishing for lobster was like living in a space where time barely passed, where it moved so slow that you didn’t notice and suddenly you were old and still living the same life you’d had for dozens of years, even though you swore you wouldn’t. This town locked you in, made you forget that there was anything or anyone outside it.
I should probably get out more, but look what getting out of Maine had gotten me. I was back to the place I never wanted to be and I didn’t have any plans about leaving. Where would I go? I’d lost everything. I was lucky to have parents who were thrilled that they could stop paying a property manager and get free labor from their daughter. Now they could spend their time soaking up the sun and drinking cocktails every afternoon in Florida. If I could stand to be with them, I might have joined them.
No, I don’t think I could handle living in Florida. I wasn’t really handling living here, but it was easier to float through my life in a familiar environment, even if that environment was so homogenous that everyone was related to everyone else. Except for me.
My thoughts drifted from my life here back to Iris. She’d clearly gone off to college and now she was back. I knew her father had retired with some injuries, so maybe that was why. Or maybe it was something else and she’d needed a soft place to land. This town was a safety net for so many people. She seemed a little frenetic, or maybe that was her personality. Nervousness radiated from her in waves. It didn’t bother me, though, which was surprising. I normally gravitated toward people who were like me, reserved and quiet, but if she was going to be next door for a while, maybe we could hang out. I definitely needed more friends, since I didn’t have anyone close, just acquaintances.
I’d touched on a nerve when I’d told her not to live in fear, but I’d done that on purpose to see what would happen. Chalk it up to boredom.
She was cute too, I’d have to give her that much. Wide-set blue eyes that had untold stories behind them underneath light brown curls. Her curves were generous and lush. No, I wasn’t going to think about her body. Completely inappropriate. I hadn’t thought about anyone’s body that way since...
Everything always came back to that. To her. I couldn’t even think her name without a stab to my heart.
If Iris was cute was irrelevant because I wasn’t going to love anyone ever again. I’d done it once and once was enough. I’d gambled and lost, big time. Iris probably wasn’t going to come back anyway, because I’d been rude and had just left her on the porch with her dog. I’d been afraid that she was going to start asking me personal questions, or try to talk to me, and I was out of practice talking to other people. That was the best part of my job: the no talking to anyone. Sure, there was the stink of bait and the hard physical labor, but every day when I went out, I got to be alone. I preferred being alone these days. It hadn’t always been like that, and I still had friends who tried to get in touch every now and then. Some were persistent and kept trying, even when I gave them nothing. I guess there was something to be said for that. Too bad I was such a shitty friend. Maybe I could practice with Iris.
I finished my beer inside and put the TV on so the house wasn’t so silent. I didn’t really watch it, but the noise and color distracted my brain for a little while. Due to my job, I’d adjusted to a different sleep schedule, so after I put the bottle in the recycling, I stripped off my clothes and headed to bed. I slept with the windows open and the sound of the ocean doing its best to lull me to sleep.
My eyes closed and I felt myself float toward sleep on a soft current. It only lasted for a minute as my brain conjured her face and then I was wide-awake and trying not to cry. They weren’t nightmares, exactly, but they did keep me from ever getting a good night’s sleep. Most of the time my job exhausted me so much that my body would sort of shut down anyway and I’d take a nap o
r two in the afternoon, but for the most part, I didn’t sleep.
After trying about six different sleeping positions, I got up and grabbed a blanket to sit with on the couch. I was learning how to crochet, which kept my hands busy and my mind thinking about stitches and counting and making sure I didn’t leave a hole. I was testing out different techniques on squares, and eventually I’d put them all together as a blanket. At least, that was the plan. I was only on the second square, and my squares didn’t exactly look like the pictures, but at least I was doing something. I’d burned through so many hobbies in the last two years, including puzzles, wire jewelry, baking bread, and raising succulents, to keep myself sane. Barely.
I curled up on the couch for a few hours of rest before my alarm went off. It was still dark when I got up and got dressed. I kept my regular wardrobe separate from my work wardrobe. I had to. You could never get the stink of bait out of jeans, let me tell you. I actually kept my work clothes on the porch so they didn’t funk up the house. I tossed my extra jacket, boots, and oil pants in a bag on the back of my bike, packed up some protein bars and a sandwich, coffee, and water for the day, sucked down a protein shake, and I was ready for work. My bag was already packed with the other essentials: sunblock, a hat, gloves, a portable charger for my phone, and a few tampons. Just in case.
I spared one glance for the house next door, but the lights were all off, since most normal people weren’t awake at this hour. At first, it had been horrible, waking before the sun. Now I relished this quiet. I often spent entire days where I only had to communicate in a few words or grunts. That probably wasn’t healthy, but it was working for me right now.
I headed down to the wharf to grab my dinghy and row out toward my boat. I wasn’t alone, and shared a few nods and waves and grunts with my fellow cohorts. There weren’t a whole lot of women on the water, but the guys had never really said much to me. I was sure they had talked behind my back, but no one said anything to my face. Not that I would have put up with any bullshit from them. I’d been telling men off my entire life and needed more practice.