by Shad N Freud
Lucifer leaned forward, eagerly awaiting the Flop. Three queens. Lucifer’s smile became less cherubic and more feral as Bob’s shaking hand dealt the Turn. Two of hearts. His heart stopped for a second as he played the River. The two of spades. Bob looked up at Lucifer, and saw his eyes burning like bright green coals as he began to laugh. “Oh, this is rich! Ghally, you done goofed! This guy’s an atheist! And now he’s the one with the Prophecy and three deity level favors! Well, enjoy them while you can, Robert. After all, as soon as we stand up from this table, you’ll probably get popped back in line for Oblivion.”
“Wait, what?”
Lucifer poised himself to stand up from the table but paused when he heard the note of alarm in Bob’s voice. “Oh, no one told you? Atheists from our world don’t get to pass Go, no collecting your final reward. Straight into non-existence. Too bad you weren’t a good person in life. Just kind of dull, really, working at a dead-end job for a dick of a boss, married to a cheating shrew. If you’d done something…important, maybe Jehovah would have offered you a spot in Heaven.”
“Lucy, you son of a bitch, you lost us the Prophecy! What were you…wait.”
Buddha rapidly calculated the odds, then began to laugh as Lucifer kept on with his spiel.
“And if you did decide to convert to Buddhism, you’d just end up being reborn as something less than you were the first time around since you didn’t live your life much. If you were to choose to become a Satanist, however…I might consider letting you trade those divine favors for special treatment”
“I-”
“No,” Jehovah growled as he moved toward the table. Lucifer smiled at him and threatened to stand, causing Jehovah to pause in fear. Buddha’s laughter became more uproarious. Jehovah glared at Buddha to try and silence him, but this just made him laugh harder, his belly jiggling like a massive bowl of Jell-O.
“I mean, you’ll be dead again! And, if you don’t belong to one of us, well…poof! Cease to be, no longer exist, gone forever. But the others probably wouldn’t take you anyway…you know, on account of that whole gay thing you’ve been keeping hush-hush about…”
“NO.” Jehovah took a swing at Lucifer where he sat and was thrown against the opposite wall. Ghallorican wagged his finger at the sandaled god.
“I’m watching that. So, take a seat.”
“But-”
“Shh, the adults are talking.” Lucifer smirked as he turned his gaze back upon the quaking halfling across from him. “So, what’s it to be, Robert? Oblivion? Or would you like to redeem that first favor from me before I get up from this table?”
“I…I want to use my first favor. I’ll consign my soul to Hell, under a few conditions. These are my demands, in exchange for the other two favors and the Prophecy.”
“Robert, you have my full and undivided attention,” Lucifer gushed, resting his chin on the back of his hands.
Jehovah glared with fiery hatred at the smarmy evil god as Bob adjusted his ethereal glasses. Bob then stared right into Lucifer’s eyes. “First off, if I’m to be one of the damned, I want to be important. After all, like you said, I hold this Prophecy-”
“Prophecy. Capital P. Please, continue.” Lucifer smirked as he flipped Jehovah the bird.
“Right. Prophecy. That feels weird. Anyways, like I said, I’m kind of important at the moment. Why, if I were to stand up, the Prophecy would go with me, wouldn’t it?”
Lucifer’s eyes burned with a greater intensity as his smile became more sinister. “Go on.”
“I want to be important. Like, archdevil level important.”
“No problem. Anything else?”
“Yeah. I don’t want to burn when I get to Hell.”
“No can do. Everyone burns eventually. Tell you what, though, I’ll give you a discount of sorts. How does, say, ten years sound?”
“No dice. How about six months?”
Lucifer began chuckling. “I’ll give you five years. And this is the best you’ll get.”
Bob stared at Lucifer for a moment before smiling darkly, realizing that the power dynamic had shifted somewhat. “I dunno. I think I’ll go for a walk to mull things over.” Bob smiled darkly as he started to sit up, causing Jehovah, Buddha and Lucifer to all motion placatingly for him to remain seated.
“Hold on now, let’s not be so hasty, Robert. Fine, one year, front of the line privileges, and you get to be an archdevil when your time in the oven’s over. But that uses up your favor from me.”
Bob settled back into his chair more comfortably, taking an easier breath. “Alright, but what are these other favors worth to you?”
Jehovah was back on his feet and brought his face within inches of Bob’s, his eyes threatening Divine Retribution™. “Don’t you dare, you little rat turd! Don’t you-”
Ghallorican snapped his fingers and Jehovah flew back across the room, landing in a seat on the other side of the bar. “Strike two, Jehovah. My bar, my rules. Interrupt my stories again, and you’re getting 86’d. You lost, so go cry to someone else.”
“He cheated! He had to!”
“Stop, Jehovah. Lucifer did not cheat. He played in good faith and expected the dealer to win based on odds. Stop interfering,” Buddha said calmly as he rested a hand gently on Jehovah’s shoulder. Jehovah shrugged the hand off and glared at Lucifer.
“As I was asking,” Bob said, irritated at the constant interruptions, “I do still have these favors from two other gods. What are they worth to you?”
Lucifer’s grin threatened to split his face in half. “Oh, Robert, you’re going to enjoy this, I assure you. What do you want?”
Bob was silent for a moment. “I had a loveless marriage. My wife married me for my earning potential. I was up for VP of marketing; at least I was until the boss’ kid decided he wanted a job after he got out of rehab for the umpteenth time. So, POOF! My future goes up in smoke. Then, to add insult to injury, I caught my wife screwing the little shit that stole my job at the Avarice Day party.”
“Hmm. I think you’re talking about Jhimothy Maxwell, correct? I own his soul already. One of mine bought his soul for prosperity. He’s got a pretty short shelf life. He’ll be expiring soon. And, unless I’m mistaken, your dear wife was one of his, wasn’t she?” Lucifer asked as he pointed a delicately manicured finger over at the fuming Jehovah. Bob nodded. “Their torture is yours when they get to Hell. Their suffering will be eternal. I believe that covers another one of the favors?”
Bob tossed the favor from Buddha to Lucifer. “Fair is fair, I suppose. As far as being gay…well, kinda. I prefer to think of myself as heteroflexible. I want to be attractive to other devils. I don’t…I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I never really had any friends when I was alive and nobody mourned me when I died, did they?”
“Well,” Lucifer said as he rubbed the back of his head. “Um, you see…your wife visited your grave every day for a month after you died…with Jhimothy…”
“…what?”
“They kind of…well, there’s no easy way to say this…they desecrated your grave. First by pissing on your grave stone, then it got kind of weird from there. I mean, throwing an orgy on someone’s grave? Kinda kinky, right?”
Bob’s left eye began to twitch uncontrollably as Lucifer buffed his fingernails on his coat as he continued.
“As far as friends and so forth, I can’t make my people be friends with you. But, upside? You’ll be the second in command for an Archduke. That kind of power, that kind of prestige? You’ll be beating devils off with a stick. Or your hands, you know, if that’s what you’re into. Anywho, what do you want for that other favor?”
“Well, I get to be someone important, I get to torture my wife and her boytoy, and I won’t suffer more than a year in Hell? How about…I give you this one on credit? You get the favor from Jehovah, and I get one to save for a rainy day?”
Lucifer’s eyes blazed a brighter shade of green as he began laughing a dark, sinister laugh. He reached into his pocket,
pulled out a black scroll and tossed it to Bob. “Cut your finger and drip the blood on that contract. Feel free to read it. No fine print, simple English. No major loopholes. You’ll get exactly what you’ve asked for, and nothing less. The contract just makes it official.”
Bob cut his finger on the sharpened point at the end of the scroll, then pressed his finger to the vellum, right on the dotted line. The Scroll burned up in a gout of hellfire and Bob immediately found himself bound in iron chains. “Business doing pleasure with you, Robert,” Lucifer laughed as he stood up. Bob felt the weight of dozens of iron chains as they wrapped themselves around him, dragging him downward into the Hellmouth opening under his feet. “Be right with you, Robbie-poo. Daddy has work to do.”
With that, Bob disappeared into the hellmouth, a perfect Wilhelm scream accompanying him to the Pit. Lucifer walked over to Ghallorican and held out his hand. “One Prophecy, please.”
“I don’t know how you did it, Lucy, but I’ll-”
“Oh, shut your dick trap. I didn’t cheat, I won fair and square. So, why don’t you take your sour grapes, and go wine to somebody who cares.”
Jehovah’s face took on a particularly vibrant shade of puce before he snapped his fingers, summoning his retinue. Lucifer simply whistled and his Archdukes shuffled over reluctantly, setting their kegs down as they sighed and drew their weapons. Ghallorican snapped his fingers, and both groups found themselves against opposite walls of his bar.
“Next one to square up in my bar is going to regress back to the lowest form of mortal life for a year.”
Lucifer’s smile vanished as a look of horror graced his features. “No, please no! I’ll behave, honest. Please don’t turn me into a Capitol Hill politician! Please!”
Jehovah stared at Lucifer incredulously. “Really? You’re scared of becoming one of the people you put into office?”
“More that I’m scared of what degrading things I’d have do to get the job. Alright, fine. We can set aside our differences for a second, can’t we Jovey-poo?”
Jehovah glared at Lucifer before sighing heavily and nodding his head.
“Great. Now then, Lucifer, here’s your Prophecy.”
“Wonderful.” Lucifer grinned as he popped the seal on the scroll and began to read. “Huh. Roman era Latin, huh? Must have written this one right after the last one got fulfilled. How is your kid doing nowadays, Jovey-poo?” Lucifer continued reading as Jehovah quietly grit his teeth with enough force to pulverize diamonds. “Let’s see here…gestalts, huh? That could be fun. Five things at a specific location on a certain day, pretty standard…wait a second.” Lucifer glared at Ghallorican. “’Wisdom of the past’? Seriously?” Lucifer threw the Prophecy down in disgust. “I hate time travel. It always makes a mess.” Lucifer looked over at the other two deities. “So…I can expect some help for my people to get this thing accomplished, right? I mean, the fate of the whole plane rests on the people we’ve got on the ground.”
Buddha nodded while Jehovah growled with his arms crossed. “Jooooovey-poo? C’mon big guy, I could really use your assurances. Pretty please?” Lucifer shifted his form to look more cherubic. “Does this help? I mean, I know your priests used to like altar boys, but I figured you’d be a bit better than that.”
“Fuck yourself with a rusty chainsaw, Lucy. Yes, my people will assist you. I can’t in good conscience let the plane die just because you won the clearly rigged poker game. I must say though, I’m getting really tired of having to bend over and take it every two thousand years. Stupid Apocalyptic Prophesies.”
Ghallorican rolled his eyes as he pantomimed jerking off.
“Rigged? I lost! How could I have possibly cheated?”
Ghallorican cleared his throat. “My apologies, but I’m afraid it’s time for you gents to leave. You’re upsetting my paying customers.”
Buddha smiled, then nodded at one of his Asura who picked up his projector and flipped the toggle to off, causing them to all vanish instantly. Lucifer held his hand out to shake with Jehovah. “No hard feelings?”
Jehovah growled, then reached out to shake hands with Lucifer. As soon as Jehovah’s hand went to close his hand around Lucifer’s, the Prince of Hell flipped him the bird. A hellmouth opened under his own feet and he slid slowly downward into the Pit as he played a golden fiddle to the tune of “The Devil went down to Georgia.” The Archdukes rolled their eyes, then briefly flared Hellfire, incinerating the tacky clothes they’d been forced to wear before opening their own hellmouths and returning home.
Jehovah glared at the hole Lucifer disappeared into and then snapped his fingers, leaving the smell of myrrh and jasmine behind as he and his people disappeared in a flash of white light.
Chapter One
“Of course, the Dread Lord, in all of his infinite wisdom, neglected to mention that the position I was to receive was as assistant to the Archduke of Purgatory, the least desirable plane of Hell. No offense, your grace.”
“Sssome taken.” Baal shrugged.
“And that I’m considered less than navel lint by other Archdevils since I only spent a year in…conditioning…and that I cheated the system by holding the world hostage. Lesser devils, on the other hand, can’t wait to get in line to kiss my ass. So, kind of a wash there.”
Baal reached down and grabbed the delicate crystal bell from the Pope’s bath side table. He rang it three times, twice, then three times again. One of the eyes went out for a moment as he “winked” at the Pope, then he stood tall as the door to the Pope’s bathroom flew off its hinges, followed immediately after by three hundred pounds of angry bipedal honey badger. The honey badger looked around the room before his eyes landed on the tallest one in the room. He tilted his head as he looked upward, sniffing the air. He snorted in surprise and his eyes widened before he squinted up into Baal’s cowl. Baal raised a gauntleted hand to his face, shushing the walking Cuisinart before setting the bell back on its table.
“Graahl, while I certainly appreciate your punctuality, could you please not rip my doors off the hinges when I call for help?”
Graahl snarled at the Pope and gave him a rude hand gesture as he slowly kneeled before the ragged Archduke. Baal rolled his eyes and then hissed at the honey badger, gesturing for him to rise. Graahl stared at Baal’s hand as he motioned for him to stand, then began to chuckle gutturally as he stood.
“Well, while this has all been very interesting, I think I’ll go ahead and read the Prophecy. Graahl, if you would?” Impious nodded at the iron chest near the bath tub. Graahl rolled his eyes as he lumbered over; he ripped the top off the chest and tossed it over his shoulder, chains and all. The marble floor fractured even further. Impious sighed as he recalculated the repair costs for his bathroom, holding his hand out expectantly. Graahl gently lifted the parchment out of the iron box, then placed it carefully into the Pope’s hand. Impious nodded, then popped the seal, and began to read.
“Hmm. Twinned souls, a debt…I wonder if that refers to Judas’ silver? Wait a moment, wisdom of the past? Shit. Looks like Hitler’s Mercedes is going for a trip. So,” Impious grabbed his bell and rang it twice, then three times. “Who are we going to put in charge of this little sortie? Bella’s out, she’s on maternity leave again. Hiroshi, poor bastard, is still in therapy after that fiasco at the French Embassy. Still goes foams at the mouth every time he sees a salad fork.”
“No. It ssshall be Carl Beaumont.”
“I’m sorry, I must have some bathwater stuck in my ear. It almost sounded like you said Carl Beaumont.”
“I did. He ssshall be in charge of the Prophecccy.”
Impious’ left eye began to twitch uncontrollably. “To quote Mary Magdalene, ‘Come again?’”
“Cardinal. Carl. Beaumont. Grand Inquisssitor of Greed and Sssloth. Green fellow, almossst ssseven feet tall? Sssnarky malcontent?”
“Please, no. Please, NO. By Lucifer’s silky legs, no! Why do you want him? Surely someone with more patience and less likely to cause immens
e collateral damage would be more appropriate? Why the Hell is he the one?”
“Apologiesss, but I cannot sssay why. He mussst oversssee thisss…quessst.”
A rather bouncy tiefling lass jiggled as she skipped over to the Pope, drawing the eye of every male in the room as she hummed tonelessly, bearing a tray of goodies for the Pope. The silver tray contained candies, a thick slice of chocolate cake, a tall glass of milk, and an ounce of the finest cannabis money could buy from Amsterdam. The busty tiefling set the tray down next to the Pope where she sat at the edge of his bath and pouted. “Seppe…I thought you were going to wait for me to start your bath. Who’s going to wash your back?”
Impious grinned as most of the men in the room glared at him in envy when he dismissed her with a gentle swat to her rear. “Not now, Trixie. Tell you what, why don’t you go buy yourself something pretty? Also, get in touch with Beaumont. Tell him I want him on the next plane to the Vatican. I want him here tomorrow.”
Trixie giggled as she rubbed the spot on her rear, and skipped her way out of the room, her hooves gently clipping on the ruined marble floor as her tail swished in excitement.
“Oh. Be a dear and contact an architect. I need this floor redone.”
“It’sss good to be the Pope. Sssecretary? I can’t fault your tassste. Hersss, on the other hand…no offenssse.”
The Pope shrugged and packed a bowl as he mulled things over. “Is Beaumont really the one we want calling the shots, though? I’m just saying, he’s a bit of a loose cannon.”
Baal shrugged as he motioned for his men to relax. They sat down heavily on the floor and dug out their cigars. Graahl sat with them and pulled a set of knucklebones out of his belt pouch. The Pope sighed as he sparked his bowl. He had a bad feeling about this.
∞∞∞
“Your eminence? Your ten o’clock has arrived…two hours late,” Trixie bubbled as she poked her head into the personal chambers of Pope Impious the VI. She came in carrying a silver tray with a bottle of cognac and two finely cut crystal glasses. “Oops! I seem to have dropped my pen!” she giggled as she bent over to pick up the non-existent pen, flashing the lacy red panties wrapped around her shapely rear. With a hearty chuckle and a swat to her wiggling rear, he dismissed his secretary, turning his attention to the door, as a rather tall man with an olive-green complexion swaggered into the room, lighting a black clove cigarette with his thumb as he strode towards the Pope. His wrinkled black leather coat swished as he walked, exposing his robust frame, the pistol on his hip, and the asp baton swinging from his belt.