When We Began

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When We Began Page 8

by Elena Aitken

“No,” Logan said. “He’s not here. He hasn’t been coming as much lately.”

  Amber felt a twinge of guilt because that probably had something to do with her.

  “And you—”

  “No.” Logan shook his head. “I won’t tell anyone.”

  Amber searched Logan’s face for any kind of indication that he was lying to her or judging her in any way. There was nothing reflected back in his expression but caring, earnest concern, but she also knew it was his job to stay calm.

  “Drug abuse?” he asked after a moment.

  She nodded slowly.

  “What kind of drugs?”

  “Adderall.” She should just stop talking. She might still be able to walk away without having to tell him too much. “For almost eighteen years.”

  Why was she still talking?

  “I don’t understand,” Logan said. “Isn’t that a medication for—”

  “Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder?” She nodded. “Yup. But it’s pretty much like legalized speed. By the time I realized that, it didn’t matter. I didn’t care. I liked the high too much.” She shook her head. “No. I needed the high.”

  He opened his mouth but didn’t say anything, which was just as well. Amber couldn’t seem to stop herself despite knowing that telling her secrets couldn’t possibly be a good idea.

  “Pretty soon one pill wasn’t enough so I needed two, then three, and then I was balancing the high with sleeping pills or alcohol. It was a constant balancing act.”

  A sob caught in her throat as she remembered the way it felt to be trapped in the web of addiction. The panic that she didn’t know how to stop. That she couldn’t stop. Every single day of her life, she’d been backed into a corner with no way out. Until the day she’d been given a way out.

  More like forced out.

  Would she still be using if she hadn’t ended up in the hospital? Would she still be living the same insane life, trying to prove that she could do it all and have it all?

  The fact that she didn’t really need to ask the question in order to know the answer scared the hell out of her. Especially considering even now that she was back in Timber Creek, she still felt the pull to take one of her little pills. Not every day, but more often than not. Even knowing they could kill her, the desire not to let anyone down was intense.

  Despite everything that had happened, she was still trapped.

  Tears spilled from her eyes and for once Amber didn’t try to wipe them away or stop their flow. She didn’t have the energy to keep pretending everything was fine.

  “Hey.” Logan still held her hand in his and the slight squeeze brought her back to the conversation.

  “It’s fine.” She shook her head and shrugged. “I mean, I didn’t die, right?”

  “But you did have a heart attack.”

  “A cardiac event,” she corrected him with a wry smile. “But yes. As it turns out, taking excessive amounts of what in essence is speed, for almost two decades, isn’t good for your heart.”

  “You don’t say?”

  Amber laughed.

  “It’s true. And, something else I learned…apparently having a drug addict on the payroll isn’t really what the firm was looking for in a partner, so…”

  “They fired you?”

  “They suggested I take a leave of absence, but yes. They fired me.” Amber let out a long sigh. That had been the hardest part of the whole thing. Not only had she ended up in the hospital, she’d lost the job she’d been working her entire life for. The irony was that she’d taken the pills to get the job and they’d been the reason she’d lost it all.

  No. She self-corrected. She was the reason she’d lost it all. Her poor decisions. The choice to use was hers and hers alone. She only had herself to blame.

  “Anyway…” Amber pulled her hand free of his and immediately missed the steady presence his touch had given her. She ran her hands through her hair and stood. “This was just one of those pesky panic attacks and not a heart thing, so that’s good. I guess I was hoping that they would all stop now that I’m not taking the pills. The doctors told me that’s a side effect of abusing Adderall. And here I thought I was just panicky.” She tried to make a joke, but Logan didn’t laugh.

  “So, you’re not still taking the pills?”

  Amber spun to face him. “No. I’m not taking them anymore.”

  He held up his hands in defense. “I’m not trying to say anything. I was just—”

  “Do you really think after almost dying, I’d still be taking them?”

  He shrugged. “I’ve dealt with addicts before.”

  Anger flared through her veins. “I’m not an addict.”

  Logan stood so he faced her, but didn’t say anything.

  “I’m not.”

  Why was she defending herself? Especially considering she knew that was exactly what she was.

  “I’m not like one of the drug addicts you work with out here.” She spat the words at him. The anger came hot and fast. On one level, she knew he didn’t deserve her vitriol, but she couldn’t stop herself. “I’m sure you think that just because you have a few horses and you can get people to talk to them that you think you’re a big expert in all of this. Well, you’re not.”

  He shook his head and took a step toward her. “I didn’t say I was—”

  She held up a hand to ward him off and stepped away. “I don’t need this,” she said. “I don’t need to be here. I don’t know why I told you anything at all. It was just…” She closed her eyes and looked down at her feet. “It was a mistake,” she said when she looked up again. “It was just a big mistake. All of it. I shouldn’t have come here.”

  “Amber, don’t say that.”

  “No.” She shook her head again. The need to get out of there and away from Logan was intense. The need to run and hide was overwhelming her. What was she thinking, coming out to the ranch and talking to a horse? “I shouldn’t be here.” She turned and started to walk back to her car, but Logan’s voice stopped her one more time.

  “Amber.”

  She turned.

  “Stay.” His arms were down by his sides. Unassuming. Unthreatening. Safe.

  It would be easy to stay there and talk to him. Spill even more of her secrets and finally unload the burden she’d been carrying around for too long.

  It would also be incredibly hard.

  Too hard.

  She looked at him for a long moment. Another tear escaped down her cheek but this time she swiped it away. Without another word, she turned and walked away.

  Logan didn’t think she’d actually leave.

  It had been hours since the incident with Amber out in Chester’s pen and he still couldn’t figure out what had happened.

  It seemed to him that she’d had a breakthrough with the horse and had finally been able to release some of the pain and hurt she’d been holding onto for so long.

  But then…she’d closed right up again.

  He’d been over it a hundred times, and he still didn’t know what had shifted.

  It was late, and he should be asleep. The entire day had been exhausting and the next would be more of the same. He should have been in bed hours ago. Instead, he sat on the old rocker in the corner of his porch and looked out over the ranch. Ruby had let him stay in the old rancher’s quarters in exchange for him cleaning it out and putting a fresh coat of paint on the walls. It wasn’t much. Barely more than one main room and a small bedroom. But it was his and it left him close to the horses, where he could keep an eye on things.

  More importantly, it got him out of town and away from people, where he’d have to make conversation and fend off personal questions about his life.

  But that wasn’t as big of a problem anymore as it used to be. There’d been a time, shortly after Tina died, when he’d done his best to hide from life and anyone who challenged him to live it. Which was pretty much everyone. But lately, he found himself actually accepting a few invitations, like the one he’d ac
cepted a few nights earlier to go to the Log and Jam. He should probably be thankful that his friends hadn’t entirely given up on him.

  Logan closed his eyes and let the peace and quiet of the country night air surround him in an effort to clear his thoughts.

  Moments later, as if she could read his mind from thousands of miles away, the phone rang, shattering his peace, and there was only one person it could be.

  He left his chair outside and snatched up his cell phone on the table just inside the door. Sure enough, his little sister’s name and face flashed on the screen. He couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face as he took the call.

  “Good evening, Kyla,” he said into the phone. “Or should I say good morning?”

  “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

  “Nope. I’m just sitting here contemplating life’s greatest mysteries.”

  Her laughter carried across the line and filled his heart. It was almost as good as having her right there in front of him instead of on the other side of the globe. “And did you come up with any solutions, big brother?”

  “Not one. But that’s okay, that’s what keeps things interesting.”

  “Truth.”

  “I hope you’re calling to tell me you’re finally coming home.” Logan pushed the screen door and made his way back onto the porch. He already knew what his little sister’s answer would be, but it didn’t stop him from asking every time he spoke with her. It had already been almost two years since she’d gone backpacking in New Zealand during a summer break from college. Two years since she’d discovered that living in a beach town, and putting all the mechanic skills she’d learned from all those summers working at Junky’s, their father’s auto shop, was preferable to sitting in a classroom working on the engineering degree their father wanted her to get.

  “You know I’m not doing that,” she said with a trace of sadness in her voice. “I miss you, though. Have you changed your mind about coming to visit?”

  “It’s not that I don’t want to, sis. But now’s not a good time.”

  “It’s never a good time,” she moaned. “I’m beginning to think that’s just an excuse.”

  Logan felt a twinge of guilt. “It’s not this time,” he said. “I promise. Remember when I told you about the ranch and the horses and the business I was starting?”

  “Taking the Reins,” she said. “I think it’s awesome. Are you helping tons of people already? I always knew my big brother could change the world, one troubled soul at a time.”

  He laughed and shook his head. “I appreciate your faith in me, but it’s not quite like that. At least not yet.” For the next few minutes, he told her all about his meeting with Brent Baker and how he expected to have more clients any day now.

  “I knew you’d make a go of this,” Kyla said. “Have you had any actual clients yet? Or are you still waiting?”

  He hesitated, unsure of how much he should say about Amber. “Well…I mean, sort of…”

  Once again, Kyla's laughter filled the silence. “What’s her name?”

  “What are you talking about?” There was no way his sister, from all the way on the other side of the world, could have any idea that he had any kind of feelings for Amber. Especially considering he didn’t even fully understand them himself. Or for that matter, even recognize them as feelings in that way.

  “Is she a client?”

  “Not technically.” Logan rubbed his temple. He knew exactly how it was going to sound to his sister. “But it’s complicated. She’s kind of an old school mate and she was coming to check things out because of her father and…well…one thing led to another…not like that…but she spent some time with Chester, and I think it was actually a really good thing. She made a lot of progress. I mean, there’s still some work to be done but I think I can—”

  “You need to take a step back, brother.”

  The serious edge in his sister’s voice took him off guard. “What are you talking about?”

  “You need to remember that you can’t fix everyone. That’s not your job, Logan. You’re a facilitator, right?”

  He nodded even though she couldn’t see him.

  “And you can’t get involved with your clients.”

  “She’s not a client.” Was she? No. Amber was definitely not a client. She was…what was she?

  “Well, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life.”

  “Good.”

  She laughed. “And I’m glad that there’s a woman in your life again.”

  “It’s not like that.” He jumped up from his chair.

  “Okay.”

  “It’s not,” Logan insisted. “It’s really not.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  Damn. Sometimes he hated that his sister knew him so well. They’d always been close, but after Tina died, Kyla had been his rock. Maybe too much. Sometimes he thought that’s why she’d moved away, to force him to stand on his own. She was way too smart for her own good sometimes.

  “I don’t know how it is,” he finally admitted. “This woman aggravates the hell out of me, but…”

  “You like her.”

  “I do,” he admitted. “There’s something about her. Maybe even more so now that I know she’s not as hard and cold as she tries to pretend she is.”

  “Careful.”

  Logan shook off his sister’s warning. “I don’t know how to explain it, Kyla, but there’s a lot going on with this woman and I think I can—”

  “There it is.”

  “What?” Logan moved to the far end of the porch and looked up at the stars overhead. This far out of town, it was dark enough that they really popped on the night sky. His eyes landed on the Big Dipper. “There what is?”

  “That’s your thing,” she said. “You want to fix everything. But you don’t have to fix whatever is going on with this—”

  “That’s not…what the hell are you talking about?”

  “Logan, I’m not trying to be a jerk.” Her voice was smooth and soft, but it didn’t take the sting out of her words. “After Tina died, you…”

  “I what?” He already knew what she was going to say.

  “You started looking for a way to make things better. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing, Logan. Not at all. I think what you’re doing with the horses is amazing. It really is.”

  “Then what?”

  “I just don’t want you to lose yourself. Not now when you’re just finding yourself again and starting this new adventure.”

  He shook his head. “I wouldn’t—”

  “You would,” she interrupted him. “That’s just who you are. You care too much. You pretend you don’t, but you do.” She chuckled and Logan couldn’t help but offer up a small smile to the dark night. She was right. He cared way too much, which was why it was safer for him to keep that part buried. “I don’t want you to get hurt, Logan. It’s not your job to fix anyone. It’s your job to help them along the path to see their own way. Okay?”

  “I hear ya, sis. And don’t worry. I have training. I’m not going to get personally involved in a situation with a client.” Even as he spoke, he could feel the lie settling inside him. But it wasn’t really a lie, was it? Amber wasn’t a client. Not really. Besides that, he wasn’t personally involved with her.

  Not yet.

  He pushed that feeling aside for the moment because whatever it was that was going on with Amber was clearly more complicated than he even knew.

  “Okay.” Kyla sighed. “I won’t go there. Not now. Just be careful, okay, Logan? You do know there are women in the world who don’t need any actual fixing, right? Like you can have a relationship with a woman who already has it all together. That’s a real thing.”

  He laughed. “But what fun would that be?”

  Logan finished his conversation with Kyla, moving on to safer topics, like their dad, who was known in town as Junky, and operated the local auto shop. Kyla had been trying to get him to go and visit her, but neither of them actually bel
ieved he would. After their mother left Junky really settled into Timber Creek. He was more of a homebody than anyone else Logan knew.

  They talked about a few other things, like yes, she still loved New Zealand, and no, she wasn’t dating anyone serious. When he finally ended the call, he didn’t feel the usual sense of stillness he got after talking to his sister.

  He knew Kyla meant well and he knew she only came from a place of care and concern, but that didn’t make her words hurt any less. But maybe she was right. Maybe he was getting too involved with Amber. He could tell himself all he wanted that it was only out of a professional concern, but he knew it was bullshit. As a professional, his job was to facilitate her progress with the horses so she could allow herself to heal.

  But as a man, there was more than that going on. A lot more. The need to wrap his arms around her and hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay was almost overwhelming.

  But early, she’d run from him. And maybe that was for the best. Maybe Kyla was right; he should stay away. He couldn’t take on her hurt as his own. That wasn’t healthy for anyone.

  Maybe distance was the best thing.

  Chapter Nine

  It was easy for Amber to convince herself why she was too busy to get out to Blackstar Ranch to see Logan and the horses. At first it was because Austin needed help with schoolwork, and then it was helping Drew go through Eric’s things and donate them to charity.

  One day turned into the next and finally it was easier for Amber to ignore any of the feelings she’d had both at the ranch with Chester and the other, equally unnerving feelings she’d experienced for Logan than actually deal with any of them. After all, she’d had years of practice not dealing with anything at all. It was definitely more comfortable to ignore what was going on.

  But it didn’t mean she hadn’t thought about it. She had. A lot. The days got shorter and the leaves started to change colors, but she couldn’t forget the way Logan had stood there, asking her to stay. Amber couldn’t forget the way she’d told him everything and he hadn’t judged her or been disappointed in her or thought less of her. Instead, he’d encouraged her to keep talking, to work through the demons that chased her.

 

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