by H. M. Ward
He smiles sadly at the floor and then back at the shirt in his hand. “After everything we’ve been through, all I get is this shirt?”
“I’m not kidding Bryan.” I’m at the door.
“Neither was I. I’d do anything for you.” He whispers the last words. “But I can’t. Life’s not fair, Hallie. I’m doing the best I can and that’s all I can tell you. There’s a reason I’m not in rehab and why I can walk around with all that shit in my pocket. There’s a reason why, and I swore to God I wouldn’t tell you. So you can walk away and be offended that I’m a junkie, that I need drugs, but you have to know that I’d throw them all away to keep you here one more day.”
I don’t understand what he’s saying. Bryan’s gaze narrows as it meets mine. I call him on it because I think he’s bluffing. “Then do it. Buy me for a day and throw all that shit out.”
“Done.” He empties his pockets, picks up the pills scattered on the carpet, and tosses every single one out into the parking lot. When he slams the door he turns back to me. “I did my part, now you do yours. Strip.”
Why does it feel like I’ve just done something horrible? I do as he says until I’m wearing nothing. He watches me with those greedy green eyes, like he could never get enough. As he steps toward me, he smirks, “It’s secret time.”
“I have no secrets.”
“We both know that’s a lie.” He laces his arms around my bare waist and presses his hard length against me. I want things I shouldn’t want, but I try to stay calm and collected. Inside, I’m thrilled that he tossed his pills for me. He’s a druggie and this will help. It will. I know it will.
My gaze darts away and I smile. “There are things you shouldn’t know.”
“Campone?”
I glance up at him. “Maybe.”
We start dancing to music that is only in our minds. It’s something from high school, from forever ago, and I swear I can still hear it. Bryan presses his cheek to mine. “Do I need to be watching for him?”
“No one needs to be watching for him.”
Bryan swallows hard and pauses. He knows what I mean, there’s not a doubt in my mind that he doesn’t. A moment later he asks, “Do you regret it?”
“No,” my voice doesn’t come out because it catches in my throat.
“It sounds like you might.”
I lose it. All the emotions I’ve been repressing bubble up. The words escape before I can stop them. “Bryan, I regret my whole life.”
“Don’t say that.” He presses my face to his and holds me. Our feet stop moving and he kisses the side of my cheek once, then twice. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“Don’t.” I pull away from him and step away. I’m staring at the worn carpet and the unidentified stains on the flattened pile. “I can’t. I just can’t.” As I move to walk away, he grabs my wrist.
A sincere smile crosses his lips. “You have no idea how much you mean to me, do you?”
“I didn’t mean all that much in the past.”
He laughs, but I don’t look back at him. I sit on the corner of the bed and stare at the ugly painting on the wall. It should have been a happy scene but time and sunlight faded a once bright spot. The paper is yellowed and the frame is chipped. The screws holding it to the wall don’t help either. “You’ve always been so good at lying, Hallie. Especially when it comes to lying to yourself.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bullshit! Hallie, look at me!” Bryan is standing by my shoulder and I hear him let out a rush of air. I assume that he’s annoyed with me until I see his reflection in the glass on the frame. His face is contorted and he’s clutching his head so hard that I can see every muscle in his body.
I whirl around and jump to my feet. My hands hover above him as if I shouldn’t touch him. “What’s wrong? Bryan?” I’m nearly crying as I watch him tremble and try to breathe, but his ribs barely move. He reaches out for the bed and sits down hard, clutching his head between his hands.
He stays like that, trying so hard to just breathe, that it kills me. I pull on his shirt and race out into the parking lot barefoot when I’m sure he’s not going to die and look for the pills, but the pavement is wet and they’ve melted. Tears stream from my eyes. I had no idea. Something’s wrong with him and I didn’t know. I thought he was partying, and acting like a fucking junkie so I made him toss his medicine.
And he did.
For me.
His voice is weak, behind me, as I try to pick up a pill that’s melting into nothing. “Leave it.”
“I didn’t know!” I’m crying. The pill turns to paste in my fingers. Before I can go for another one, he grabs my shoulders and turns me toward him.
“I knew.” His voice is trembling and tight. He can barely breathe. “I need to sit down. Come inside.”
Bryan throws his arm over my shoulder and we walk back to the bed. He laughs and then grimaces quickly. “I shouldn’t have ridden you like that, but it was worth it. You’ve always been worth it, Hallie.”
CHAPTER 16
Bryan is writhing on the bed and in so much pain that tears stream down his cheeks. He won’t let me take him to the hospital. He keeps saying they can’t do anything, but I can’t watch him like this. “Who else knows?”
“No one.” He manages the words in short breathes between clenched teeth as his back rises off the mattress again. His hands are balled into fists at his sides as another groan escapes him.
“I need to get your medicine, tell me where to get them.” I’m frantic. He’s gotten so much worse, so fast. The movement, the time he was with me must have made it worse, because he’s so close to screaming out in pure agony that I can’t stand it.
“Jon.” That’s all he says.
Fuck. I hate Jon. Why couldn’t he say Trystan? I nod and grab his phone, scroll through his contacts and find Jon Ferro. I dial and wait forever for him to pick up. “Hey shithead, are you still chasing that thing you nailed in high school?”
“I am that thing he nailed in high school. Listen, Bryan is in a lot of pain. His medicine is gone and he needs some now—like right now.”
For a second I think he’s hung up, but then he asks, “Where are you?” I tell him. “Fuck. I thought you were in jail. Shit, Hallie, shit! Get him wasted until I get there, and do NOT take him to the hospital.” That’s all Jon says before he hangs up.
I put the phone back on the nightstand and cross the room. Most of the booze Bryan brought is gone, but there’s some vodka left. I pour it into a plastic cup and bring it to him. “Here, drink this. It’ll help a little bit.”
Bryan takes the cup and downs the whole thing. His stomach is empty and that was at least three shots. I take the cup away and set it down on the dresser before sitting next to him. Within seconds, I see his muscles begin to relax. His eyes have been pinched shut for so long that when they flutter open, I nearly cry. “You stayed.”
“I’m an arrogant, presumptive asshole. I should never have made you throw those away. I’m so sorry.” I bend at the waist, wanting to lie on his chest, but it’ll hurt him, so I settle for a kiss over his heart.
He touches the back of my head, smoothing my hair, soothing me. “You didn’t know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s easier to let people assume other things.” He watches me and knows how close that statement hits to home. It is easier. It saved me in many ways. Yes, I understand, all too well. I wish I didn’t. Bryan’s body continues to relax for the next few minutes until Jon arrives.
Jon growls at me as he shoves his way in the room and to Bryan. “You fucking loser. You did her with no meds? You’re insane, you know that?” Jon shoves a bunch of pills at his cousin and a glass of water.
Bryan downs them and laughs. As soon as he does it, his hands fly to his ribs like they’re sore. “She’s worth it.”
“You’re an asshole.”
“I love you too, man.”
Jon snorts at that, before turning to me. “How much did you give him to drink?”
“That,” I point at the cup. “It was about half full, so what, three shots?”
Jon tries not to smile. “You aren’t much of a drinker, are you? That’s more like five. No wonder he’s not screaming.”
As we talk Bryan’s eyes close and his body relaxes. I can’t help it. I ask Jon, “What’s wrong with him?”
“It’s not my place to say.” Jon looks over at his cousin under the sheets. Bryan lies on his back, his chest slowly rising and falling. His fingers finally uncurl and I know he’s asleep.
“Yeah, he didn’t tell you either.”
“Nope. I haven’t got a fucking clue.” Jon rubs the back of his neck and stares at the bed. After a long time, he says, “We’re going to lose him. This is getting worse. That’s all I know, and I wish to God I didn’t. The guy acts like he’s got nothing to lose because he doesn’t.”
CHAPTER 17
We’re both standing there, me in Bryan’s shirt, and Jon in his leather jacket and black slacks. We form a temporary truce as we watch someone we love fading in front of our eyes. I wish he told Jon. Bryan needs to confide in someone, and I know he had no intention of ever telling me. That’s why he blackmailed me--so I’d never know. I smile and tell Jon.
“Yeah, he’s a little crazy like that. He probably wanted to be with you and thought blackmail was faster. It never even dawned on the guy to pick up a phone.” Jon folds his arms across his chest and adds, “The thing with the car wasn’t me. My mother reported it stolen. By the time I found out, they already picked you up.”
“I don’t care.” I’m done talking to him. “Take your shitty car and all your false sincerity and go puke it up in the parking lot. I know you hate me. The feeling is mutual.” I sit next to Bryan and run a finger along his brow, pushing back his hair. I wish I could take this away. I wish I knew how to help him.
Jon snaps, “I should beat the shit out of you for hurting him like that.”
“You hit women? Nice.” I don’t look up. I’m so annoyed at him and his mother. She always hated me and I never knew why.
“I hit whores, and that’s what you are, Hallie, so stop pretending. The last thing Bryan needs right now is another liar. Fuck him and leave. Don’t make him think you care. Even you’re not that cruel.”
His words slice through me. I stand to scream at Jon to leave, but he’s already through the door. I sit down hard on the side of the bed and sob into my hands. I thought I’d already lost everything, but I hadn’t. Bryan was still there, still around to be encountered, and the hope that we might be together again was never fully extinguished from my mind.
That’s why I said yes.
That’s why I let him blackmail me.
I never wanted to breakup with Bryan in the first place, and now it’s too late.
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