by Sarah Bailey
He sat back, his eyes clouding over. He didn’t come from my world, so I doubted he understood the dangers.
“I wouldn’t want you getting hurt.”
I wished I could tell him I was safe but it’d be a lie. I wasn’t safe in my own home with my dad. One thing I knew for certain is I never wanted Aaron to meet Graham King. It’s why I didn’t mention him. Maybe he assumed I didn’t have a dad. It’d be better if he thought that rather than me having to explain all the horrible things he did and said to me and Mum.
“Why? Would you try to be my knight in shining armour then?”
“You wouldn’t let me.”
His words made me smile despite myself. In a lot of ways, I needed rescuing. Mostly from myself. I had issues. Aaron didn’t need to know about those. Didn’t need to see all the damage inside, too much for a seven-year-old to have in the first place. What if he stopped liking me when he realised how much I didn’t enjoy being in this world? How much I ached from the stress of taking care of Mum. How dealing with Dad was a constant struggle. And my only escape was within the pages of books.
I didn’t like to remind myself he told me I could escape with him. How I wished it could be true. If I allowed myself to believe it, then reality would come crashing down to destroy it. Everything good in my life always disappeared.
I looked away, unable to stop myself from feeling my time with him was finite. That this would ultimately crash and burn. I never had anything that remained permanently.
“You’re right. I wouldn’t.”
I felt him link his pinkie finger over mine.
“I don’t like seeing you hurting.”
My chest tightened. How did he read me so well? I felt like all my feelings were on show. He kept stripping back the layers and exposing my pain piece by piece without even really trying.
“Life is pain.”
What are you saying? Stop talking. Don’t make him think you’re weird. He might stop wanting to hang out with you.
“Why do you say that?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
He didn’t have to live in fear of his father beating his mother. Nor his father turning those fists on him. He didn’t have to hear screaming matches when Dad had too much to drink. Nor worry about what condition Mum might be in day to day.
Aaron had everything and I had nothing.
“I could try if you tell me.”
I want to, but I can’t.
If only things were different.
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
I had to avoid the subject. I shouldn’t have started down this road in the first place. What Aaron didn’t know couldn’t hurt him.
“Is it really so bad me wanting to help you?”
“No.”
“Then why won’t you let me try?”
I didn’t want to tell him he’d already managed to help me in ways he could never imagine. Just having someone there gave me a tiny sliver of hope I’d never had before. No, not someone. Him. It wouldn’t feel the same if it was anyone else. There was just something about Aaron. Perhaps it was his inherent charm or maybe his dogged persistence. He had a pureness to him I rarely saw in anyone. Most people I knew were tainted somehow. Not Aaron. He had a heart of pure gold.
“If you truly knew me, I don’t think you’d like me.”
His brow furrowed and his blue-grey eyes turn dark.
“I’m not sure what I can say to convince you nothing you tell me will ever make me not like you.”
“I’m messy and chaotic inside.”
“Maybe I like messy and chaotic.”
“Do you even know what that means?”
He shrugged.
“Chaos means disorder.”
“I bet you just read that in a dictionary.”
“So what if I did?”
I shook my head. He had an answer for everything.
“You’re still annoying.”
“You like that about me.”
He had a point. I did. I liked everything I discovered about Aaron.
“Who said I liked you?”
“Me.”
I didn’t have a comeback. Mostly since I couldn’t dispute what he said. I wished sometimes I didn’t like him so much. It would be easier for me if I could push him away when he tried to get closer.
“If that’s what you want to believe, I won’t stop you.”
His eyes shone.
“You like me, Rhys. You wouldn’t talk to me otherwise.”
“You won’t leave me alone, what else am I meant to do?”
“I’m going to make you admit it one day.”
I shook my head, standing as I picked up my tray. This boy would be the death of me.
“You keep telling yourself that, A.”
Only when I was halfway across the canteen, I realised what I’d said.
What did you go and give him a nickname for?
Aaron’s smile was so wide as he caught up with me, I could barely stand to look at it.
You are an idiot.
But I was the idiot who couldn’t help falling deeper into a friendship with the boy beside me. The one I knew would never give up on me. And a big part of me didn’t want to give up on him either.
Chapter Ten
The moment I saw Rhys King in class on the first day of school, my heart just about stopped. My palms got sweaty and my chest ached. I imagined it was what being struck by lightning felt like. It wasn’t as if I understood it fully, only I knew it was something significant and I couldn’t for the life of me look away. This beautiful dark-haired boy with these dark, soulful eyes and tanned skin had my stomach in knots. And I had no clue what to do about it.
I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I’d always known I liked boys. It had never hit me more than it did that day, like a slap in the face. My eyes were drawn to him and only to him. So when I’d had the opportunity to save him from that idiot Valentine who lived near me, I took it. And ever since then, all I’d wanted to do was be around Rhys King. Every second of every moment of every day. Even if he was reluctant to talk to me. To open up to me. To even be my friend.
I kept playing the words he’d said to me over and over in my head.
“You keep telling yourself that, A.”
He called me ‘A’. He gave me a nickname. If that didn’t tell me Rhys wanted to be my friend even if he tried to act like I was a nuisance to him, I didn’t know what else would. Talking to him was impossible on occasion. He seemed to want to curl in on himself and not allow the outside world in. It made me aware of how much he hurt inside. His pain might not be obvious to others, but I saw it in his eyes. He burnt with it. And all I wanted was to understand why.
“I know what you’re going to ask me,” he blurted out as we waited outside the gates for Tamara.
“What’s that?”
“If I can come over again.”
I couldn’t help smiling. Rhys didn’t like me pressing the subject, so I hadn’t brought it up. I wanted him to come around as much as possible. Spending time with him was the highlight of my day.
“You that desperate to hear me read to you again?”
He blinked.
His eyes are so beautiful. I could get lost in them.
“No, you suck at reading out loud.”
He wasn’t wrong. He’d corrected me many times when he’d been over at mine. I hadn’t minded as it seemed to make him happy. Besides, I did genuinely need help. It wasn’t something I excelled in. I wanted to make Mum and Dad proud next time they were home since the teachers at my last school had told them I was behind in my reading age. They’d bought a house in the catchment area so they could send me to this new school, not that they were ever at home. Mum was always away on location and Dad went with her. He could work from anywhere.
“That’s why you’re helping me, remember?”
He huffed and rolled his eyes. Something h
e did often and I thought it was cute. Everything he did was cute to me though. Especially the time he’d held my hand in class. I swear I thought my heart might burst out of my chest it was racing so fast.
I wanted to hold his hand again, but I wasn’t sure he’d accept it. Not at school anyway. Boys didn’t hold hands at school and we’d get picked on if we did. I’d heard Valentine calling Rhys ‘gay boy’ and didn’t want him getting name called again. He didn’t deserve to be bullied.
“Well, I can’t right now. I have to be home for Mum.”
Rhys kept saying he needed to be around for his mum. I had a feeling a lot of the things Rhys kept close to his heart were to do with her. She’d been nice to me when I’d met her and it made me wonder what was so wrong that he had to be at home all the time.
He didn’t live in a very good area. Whilst his house had been clean and tidy from what I’d seen of it, the surrounding houses weren’t in a good state. At least one had a boarded-up window. And he’d told me there were gangs and stabbings happened regularly.
I didn’t care where he’d come from or his background. He mattered to me. Just Rhys. I wanted to keep him safe. To help him. Seeing him upset or sad hurt me. Even if we barely knew each other, I had a feeling about him. A feeling which wouldn’t go away. Each time we were in each other’s company, it grew and grew. I couldn’t help wanting to be closer to him. To just hold his hand. I really wanted to hold his damn hand again.
“That’s okay.”
It wasn’t but I wouldn’t say that to him. I wouldn’t tell him I wanted to be around him all the time. I wanted to hold on to him so tight and never let go.
“You sure? I want to come over and all.”
It was the very first time he’d admitted it. It made my heart ache. It happened whenever I was around him. I didn’t understand what it meant. Only that my heart wanted him with such a desperation it sometimes made me a little crazy. Made me want to push him to open up to me so I could be closer to him.
“Yeah, Rhys, it’s okay.”
Tamara pulled up, saving him from responding. We both got in the car and put our seatbelts on.
“You boys have a good day?” she asked as she set off.
“Yeah, it was all right,” I replied, glancing at Rhys who said nothing.
My fingers itched to reach out to him, but what if Tamara saw? What if she told Mum and Dad? I knew she spoke to them regularly even if they only called me once a week to check in. I missed them, but it’s how things had been for the past couple of years. They were always working.
Tamara was good to me. She took care of me and made sure I had everything I needed. She’d been my au pair since I was five. That’s when Mum had gone back to work. Before then, it was me and her, but now things were different. I guess sometimes I didn’t feel very important to them. All I did was try hard to make them proud of me. They didn’t seem to notice it though. Notice me.
Thinking about them made me feel sad. And I didn’t want that. Not when I had precious minutes left of the day with Rhys. I looked over at him. His eyes were fixed on the window and there was an air of discontent surrounding him. I wanted to make it better. I wanted to see him smile because when he did, it made me feel giddy.
His hand rested on the seat next to him. And I couldn’t help it any longer. The urge got too strong. So I reached out across the middle seat, pulling his hand closer and lacing my fingers with his. Rhys’ dark eyes got wide as he turned to me, then they fell on our hands. I had no idea what he was thinking. Touching him soothed me. Stopped the ache in my chest growing.
For the rest of the journey to his house, he stared at our hands, not saying a word. I didn’t dare look to see if Tamara had seen. It didn’t matter when I felt calmer than I had all day. Like I needed him as an anchor. Sometimes I felt so adrift, especially at a new school and not seeing my parents regularly.
Rhys let go of my hand when we reached his house, unbuckled his seat belt and put his hand on the door. Then he turned back and looked at me.
“If Mum is feeling better next week, then I’ll come over again… yeah?”
My heart soared, but I kept my cool, smiling at him instead.
“I’d like that.”
He smiled. I didn’t think my poor heart could deal with any more today.
“See you tomorrow, A.”
He’s killing me. I swear.
“See you.”
He got out and I watched him walk up to his front door, unlock it and go in without looking back. I wished he’d have looked back.
Tamara set off home and I stared out of the window.
“Rhys is a quiet one.”
I almost jumped at the sound of her voice.
“Yeah, but I don’t mind.”
“You never had trouble making friends at your last school, but not so much here. Are you happy at this one?”
The only thing about the school which made me happy was Rhys. The teachers were fine. Everything else was fine. But Rhys? He made it better. He made everything better.
“I’m fine, Tami. You can tell my parents that.”
“Aaron…”
“I’m fine, honest.”
“Why don’t I ask Calvin and Lydia’s mum if they’re free this weekend? I’m sure you miss your old friends.”
In all honesty, I didn’t. Perhaps I would’ve before, but ever since I’d met Rhys, nothing else mattered but him. Being around him. Talking to him. The only friend I wanted was him. Deep down I knew he’d understand me. He had pain in his life and so did I. When he finally let me in, I’d let him in too. I’d let him see how lonely I’d been since Mum had gone back to work. I’d let him see he was the only person I’d ever felt connected with even if he was quiet, shy and withdrawn.
“If you want to.”
I didn’t want to alert Tamara to my mood. She’d get suspicious and then report back to my parents. I didn’t want them thinking I wasn’t happy at this school and taking me out of it. Then I wouldn’t be able to see Rhys and the thought of it made me want to die a little inside. I already missed him even though it’d been minutes since he’d been right there.
“Good. I’ll call when we get home.”
I didn’t want to see Calvin and Lydia, but I’d do it if it meant getting Tamara off my back. Stifling a sigh, I looked out the window again. I only had to get through the rest of today and then I’d see him. See the beautiful, broken boy who set my world on fire the moment he walked into it.
Chapter Eleven
Mum had been feeling better for days. Her speech was still bad, but she could say yes and no, which is all I needed. She’d made up with Dad. He’d grovelled, as usual, getting her cheap flowers and chocolates from the garage down the road. There’d not been any arguments since he came back from Maggie’s.
With him home, it meant I could go around Aaron’s house. Hence why we were both laid out on our stomachs on the floor of his bedroom together side by side. He read to me whilst I drew. Something I liked to do but never had supplies at home as Mum couldn’t afford to buy me anything. Aaron hadn’t noticed me drawing him, too engrossed in the book.
“It’s pol-lu-tion not pol-liton,” I interjected when he said a word wrong.
“Pollution.”
“Yeah.”
“Why’d they put such hard words in this?”
I shook my head.
“Not that hard.”
“Yeah, just ‘cause you’re a smarty pants, doesn’t mean we all are.”
I nudged him with my shoulder, which brought a smile to his face.
“Jealous much?”
His eyes flicked down to my drawing. The blue-grey got somehow brighter as he stared at it.
“Is that you and me?”
My sheet of paper had two boys holding hands, one with blonde hair and one with dark.
I shrugged, not wanting to admit it. Ever since he’d held my hand in Tamara’s car, I’d felt weirdly okay with being
so close to him. I didn’t mind it when he brushed his hand against my arm to get my attention. And now, as he reached up and mussed my hair.
“Now it looks more like you.”
The way his eyes twinkled made me swallow.
“You can keep it… if you want. I drew it for you.”
Aaron fidgeted before he put the book down and picked up the drawing. He ran his fingers over the two figures.
“Does this mean we’re friends for real then?”
I shrugged again. Maybe we were. I didn’t know if Aaron had any other friends. He never talked about them if he did. It shouldn’t make my stomach get twisted up to think of him being as close to anyone else as he seemed to be getting to me.
“Rhys.”
“Yeah, okay. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”
He laid his hand out on the floor, palm facing up. It felt significant. If I put my hand in his, then it’d mean we truly were friends. If I didn’t, I’d upset him. He’d been patient with me. Waited whilst I struggled with myself. Struggled to be open to the possibility of having a friend and it being a good thing for me. How could I upset the boy with blonde hair and blue-grey eyes who made me happy just by being there? It’d been a long time since I felt any sort of happiness.
I breathed in and slid my palm against his. My fingers slipped between his and he gripped them tightly. It gave me the impression he never wanted to let go. We stared at each other for a long moment.
“Rhys…”
“Yeah?”
“What’s wrong with your mum?”
I stiffened, then wrenched my hand away like I’d been stung. Why would he ask that? I didn’t think I’d ever said anything to make him think there was something wrong with her.
“Nothing.” My voice came out all harsh and defensive. “She’s fine.”
Liar. She isn’t fine. She can barely communicate with you and Dad right now.
“I didn’t mean anything bad. You keep saying you have to be there for her and I want to understand why.”
I shook my head, sitting up and turning my back to him, unable to look into his eyes any longer. The pain of knowing I caused her to be this way ripped through my chest. It dug its claws into me, tearing me to shreds. Dad blamed me for it. I blamed me for it. So why wouldn’t Aaron? Why would he understand?