by Sarah Bailey
Demisexual.
As I looked at the definition, something about it clicked into place for me. I had no interest in strangers, at least not sexually. There was one person in my life I had a strong emotional bond with whom I’d started to feel attracted to. I couldn’t test out the theory as much as I’d like, but it felt right. It wasn’t that I never wanted to have sex because, clearly, I did considering how much I’d liked touching Aaron and my fantasies about him. I just didn’t find someone attractive on that level unless I knew them and felt something towards them.
“Holy shit.”
There’s a term for it. I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I didn’t think I’d have some random lightbulb moment about it. Seemed too simple, yet I knew this is what I was. Nothing else I’d read resonated with me in the same way.
So I could explain the attraction thing. It did not, however, tell me what my sexual orientation was. That required further research and something I wasn’t prepared to conduct in the kitchen. Not sure I could explain it away if Mum came in and I had porn on. I had no idea how else I’d work that part out. I knew I wasn’t straight. Not when I desired Aaron like nothing else. So I supposed it was a toss-up between gay, bisexual and perhaps even pansexual.
Why are there so many different options?
I hated how complicated this felt.
I rubbed my face and checked the timer I’d put on. A few more minutes until the pizza was ready.
“Mum, do you want to eat in the living room?” I called.
“Please, love,” came the response.
At least I had something to tell Aaron now. Some way of explaining why I didn’t feel attracted to people in the same way as he might experience it. And I hoped he believed me.
Now was not the time though. We both needed to cool off. Even so, I felt like perhaps he might think I was upset with him when I wasn’t. So I tapped out a message so he’d know I was thinking of him.
Rhys: Miss you x
I wasn’t sure if he’d even respond to it when I saw he’d read it. Minutes ticked by and I got nervous. Was that a stupid thing to say? It was the truth. Even though it’d been a couple of hours, it felt like an eternity. I sounded stupid. I really did. Telling him I missed him. What the hell was I even thinking? Why did I have to be so awkward?
Quit overthinking it. You’re not helping yourself here, Rhys.
I took a breath as the timer went off for the pizza. Dropping my phone on the counter, I got some oven gloves and pulled it out. Then I set about cutting it up and putting it on two plates. I grabbed a couple of glasses of water and took Mum’s through to her. When I came back, I picked up my phone, finding a response. My stomach twisted, but I steeled myself and opened it.
Aaron: Do you?
Did he think I was lying? God, when did everything between us become so crazy?
Rhys: I always miss you. Things being weird doesn’t change how much I need you.
I tapped my fingers on the counter, knowing I should take my pizza through, but wanting a reply. When I didn’t get one, I sighed and picked up my plate, stuffing my phone back in my pocket. I wanted things between Aaron and me to be okay. They just weren’t. And a few words in a text message wasn’t going to change that.
I’d promised I’d work my shit out and I really was trying. So maybe I should give him space until I’d done that. As much as it killed me, the thought of being away from him for any length of time, I’d do it for both our sakes.
I sat with Mum whilst we ate, watching this detective show she loved. I’d just finished my food when my phone buzzed repeatedly. Placing my plate on the coffee table, I pulled it out, staring down at the series of messages which were still coming through.
Aaron: No matter what you decide, I’m always here for you.
Aaron: Always. I promise.
Aaron: I can’t stand this. I feel like I’m going to lose you and it’s killing me.
Aaron: Do you have any idea how much I love you? You’re everything to me. I can’t live without you.
Aaron: FUCK! Now you’re going to think I’m crazy. Please ignore this. I want you to be sure and you need time for that.
Aaron: I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.
I could hardly breathe picturing him right now. Agonising over it all. And it broke something so deep inside me. My Aaron was hurting like crazy and I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t tell him it was going to be okay. Not until I kept my promise to him.
Aaron: I need you to know it would destroy me if you don’t want this with me for real, but even then, I would never abandon you.
Aaron: I’m yours. All yours. You have all of me. There’s nothing left I can give you. So I’m begging you, please don’t break me by walking away.
I couldn’t take it any longer. This was absolutely ruining me.
“I’ll be back in a sec, Mum,” I said in a rush before getting up and bolting from the room.
I had my phone against my ear the next moment, listening to the ringing sound as I ran upstairs and shut myself in my bedroom. When he answered, I started talking before he could even get a word in.
“I’m not leaving you, A. I would never… I can’t…”
The thought of it made tears well in my eyes and my chest burn.
“Please trust me when I tell you I have no intentions of walking away. You’re still my best friend.”
He didn’t speak. I slumped down on my bed, scrubbing a hand across my face.
“Aaron, you are my world. My whole entire universe. I can’t live without you either.”
I heard his breathing but nothing else. If I was there right now, I’d wrap him up in my arms and hold him to me like my fucking life depended on it.
“Say something,” I whispered. “Please say something.”
The choked noise I got in response made my heart fracture. How could this be happening to us? It didn’t have to be this way, did it?
“I don’t want to be just your best friend,” he whispered, his voice laced with pain and I could tell he was crying. “I want to be your everything like you are mine.”
“A…”
“I want to hold your hand, kiss you, hug you, make love to you. I want you to be mine, Rhys. Do you understand what that means? I want it all.”
My throat got all tight. My lungs constricted in my chest.
“I can’t go back. You have to tell me if this is real… when you’re ready… when you know.”
I wanted to tell him it was real. But I hadn’t kept my promise to him. I hadn’t worked it out yet. Not fully. So even though it wrecked me, I couldn’t give him the reassurance he desperately wanted right then.
“I promised you I’d work it out, A. I’m doing it for you and myself, so please give me a little more time.”
“Okay,” he whispered, sniffling.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“I have to be.”
“Aaron—”
“I’ll be okay… I should go. Say hello to Steph for me.”
Then he hung up. My hand fell from my ear. I stared at the wall. Aaron and I had never fallen out before. And it fucking well sucked. I mean, we hadn’t really fallen out. This was something else entirely. I just couldn’t explain it.
All I knew was understanding myself was key to fixing this. So for Aaron, I was going to find out for sure either way. Because the person I cared about most in the world was dying on the inside. And only I could make it go away for him.
Chapter Thirty One
When Rhys told me to give him a little more time, I hadn’t expected not to hear a word from him for three days. Not being able to hear his voice or see his face made me feel so alone. I couldn’t count the number of times I’d ended up in tears at the thought of him never coming back to me. He promised me he wasn’t leaving, but having no contact gave me anxiety. Had me questioning everything. I wanted him back. So fucking bad. I’d do anything t
o have him right here next to me.
I’d spent all my time in the same shorts and t-shirt in bed watching shit TV with junk food. It reflected my mood. Desolate and deeply unhappy. There was nothing worse than feeling like you’d fucked up the only good thing in your life.
When the doorbell went, I thought it might be the delivery guy since I’d done an online food shop. Trudging downstairs without even fixing my appearance, who cared what a stranger thought of me, I opened the front door and stared at the person on the threshold like I was seeing things.
Is it really him?
Rhys had a fresh haircut, making him ten times more attractive than ever. His dark eyes were full of life and… happiness. He had two carrier bags with him and his own bag slung across his back. He looked me over and raised an eyebrow. Those beautiful damn eyebrows. I must be mad because everything about Rhys was attractive to me, even the little scar he had on his pinkie finger from where he’d almost sliced it off whilst cutting an avocado once. He’d had to get stitches for that. I remembered sitting in minor injuries with him like it was yesterday.
I can’t believe you’re here.
“Wow, you look like shit… you going to stand there gawking or you going to let me in?”
I stepped back on automatic, unable to comprehend what I was seeing or hearing. Rhys walked in, taking the door from my hand and closing it behind him. His eyes met mine for a moment before he shook his head and walked through into the kitchen. I followed him, unable to help myself. I’d been starved of his presence for three entire days.
“Have you eaten?” he asked as he popped the bags on the counter.
“No.”
He turned to me, eyes roaming over my body.
“When did you last shower?”
“Um…”
When had I?
He shook his head again and stepped towards me, putting a hand on my shoulder. His touch scorched me, making me shudder involuntarily.
“Go upstairs, shower and put some damn clean clothes on, A. You look like you got dragged through a hedge backwards. And here I thought you were meticulous about this stuff.”
He turned me around and shoved me out of the kitchen.
What the hell is going on?
I turned slowly, staring at his back as he walked towards the counter.
“Rhys…”
“Take your time, don’t come back until you’re clean and looking like a normal human being.”
I wanted to ask him so many questions, but instead, I turned away and trudged upstairs. Doing what I was told seemed like the easier option. Talking to him made me nervous. He appeared to be fine, but what did that even mean? What was he going to tell me? Had he worked everything out? Was it why he’d gone on radio silence for three days?
Shaking myself, I went into the bathroom and turned the shower on. After I’d stripped my clothes off and stood under the spray, I couldn’t help my anxiety rising all over again. Did he not realise how fucked up I’d got over this entire thing? How much I needed him? He’d left me hanging for three days. Three fucking days.
What is wrong with you? You told him to sort his shit out. You can’t be annoyed about him doing what you asked him to.
I ran my hands through my wet hair, needing to get my head on straight. Rhys would give me an explanation. I knew that. It’s why he was here. I just didn’t know what the fuck the outcome would be. It’s what worried me the most. I had no idea if I could go back to us being friends after sharing those kisses and touches with him. It would decimate me. I’d do it as this was Rhys and I’d rather die than be without him completely as dramatic as that sounded. He made me that way. He made me want to bow down at his feet and worship every inch of him.
I don’t know how long I stood there under the spray, letting it wash away all of my insecurities, anxieties and doubts. When I went down to him, I had to keep my cool and listen to what he had to say.
Him being here acting like nothing is wrong can only be a positive thing, right?
I washed thoroughly before I got out, wrapping a towel around my waist. Leaning against the sink counter with both hands, I stared into the steamed-up mirror, my reflection all blurry.
You have to do this. For both of you. Stay calm. Stay cool. You can do it.
I wish I felt more confident than I sounded in my head. Shaking myself, I dried off before going into my bedroom and pulling on some clothes. I ran my fingers through my damp hair, trying to style it as best I could so it wouldn’t look insane after it air-dried. Most of the time, I used a hairdryer, but getting down to see Rhys felt far more important.
I took a deep breath and went in search of him. When I reached the kitchen, he hummed as he sat at the kitchen counter on his phone. He looked up, finding me standing in the doorway. His eyes roamed over my skin, a slight furrow appearing in his brow. It cleared after a moment. Then he set his phone down and popped off the stool, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“Hungry?”
I nodded, unsure of what to say to him. I hadn’t eaten today, which was stupid of me.
“Your food got delivered. I put it away for you.” He waved a hand at the cupboards. “Go sit in the dining room. I’ll be there in a minute.”
I blinked. We never ate in the dining room. In fact, that room only got used when my parents were home. Which was like… never. I wanted to question it, but the look in his eyes told me not to. Told me to do what he’d said. And for once in my life, I decided to let him dictate this.
Backing out of the kitchen, I took a few steps down the hallway and walked into the dining room. When I took in the scene in front of me, I bit down on my lip to stop myself from losing it completely. He’d set two places at the end of the table. In between them were candles which he’d lit and a single daisy sat in a vase. Propped up against it was a card with my name on it.
What has he done?
A part of me wanted to hold out hope it meant everything between us was real, but the other side kept telling me it was all far too good to be true.
I padded towards the table and pulled out the chair, planting myself in it. My fingers reached out, grasping the card and running over my name. I flipped it over and opened the envelope. As I pulled it out, I saw it had a watercolour heart design on it. I found myself getting choked up without knowing what I’d find inside. Setting the envelope on the table next to me, I opened the card and stared down at the handwritten words.
Aaron,
I’m sorry for everything which has come to pass over the past few days.
I’m sorry for leaving you in the dark and making you think I would disappear from your life.
I’m sorry for not knowing who I was when you confessed your feelings to me.
I’m sorry for pushing you away when you needed me the most.
But what I’m not sorry for, what I will never be sorry for, is you and me.
What I’m trying to say, to articulate, to make you understand is…
I am yours.
Forever.
Rhys
A single tear landed at the bottom of the card. I hadn’t realised they’d started falling as I read the words over and over again.
I am yours.
Did that mean what I thought it did? I couldn’t bear it. I needed to ask him. Needed to see his face and know it was real and true. I was about to get out of the chair when I found the card plucked out of my fingers and placed in front of me on the table. Then two arms banded around my chest as he hugged me from behind. His cheek came to rest against mine.
“I know what you want to ask,” he whispered. “It means exactly what you think it does.”
My words got stuck in my throat and my only response to him was a choked out gasp which turned into a sob. He let go of me and came around the side of the chair before forcing me to turn to him. I watched him squat down on his haunches and take both my hands in his. There were so many emotions in his dark eyes, ones I could read and on
es I couldn’t.
“I’ve done a fuck ton of soul searching and research over the past few days and it’s only led me to one conclusion. Who I am, what my sexuality and sexual orientation is doesn’t really matter a whole lot when the only person in this world my heart beats for is right in front of me. The thing is, Aaron, the big thing is… I’m sort of in love with you and I’d like to think that is the most important discovery I made from us being apart.”
I swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tidal wave of emotion battering me at his words.
He’s in love with me?
“But I promised you I’d work out what the fuck I am and I think I’ve done that. So you’re going to have to give me a minute to explain it to you.”
He rose from his haunches and let go of my hands. Reaching out, he tugged the chair from the end of the table towards him and set it down in front of me. He sat down and took my hands again, squeezing them as if he knew I needed his touch to ground me.
“First of all, I’m pretty sure I’m gay because you know, girls really don’t do it for me. Like at all. And I’m sure you don’t want to know how I worked that out, but I can tell you if you want.”
I shook my head. I could imagine how he’d gone about it without needing an explanation after he’d asked me to watch porn with him.
“However, that’s not all. I told you attraction for me doesn’t work in the same way as most people. I’m not asexual as I definitely desire sex… with you specifically, but we can get to that later. But I’m also not like regular person sexual either. It’s an in between thing for me. The term I found I most identify with is demisexual.”
I blinked. It’s not like I hadn’t heard the term asexual before, but demisexual? It was new to me.
“It essentially means you don’t experience sexual attraction unless you have a strong emotional connection with another person. It has nothing to do with my orientation, but who I feel sexually attracted to. So when I was confused about why I suddenly felt desire towards you, it’s because of this. I need an emotional bond to form before I can feel physically attracted to someone. I don’t know if it’ll be the same for anyone I form a bond with since the only reference I have for it is you. That said, considering I’m into guys, I doubt if I got close to a girl, I’d want to sleep with her.”