by Vera Hollins
I can’t waste more time. He’s in danger!
I dropped my backpack, and my legs carried me toward them before I could even figure out what I was doing. Hayden grabbed the guy’s arm and twisted, making him drop the knife. He tried to knee him in the groin, but he missed, and the guy hit him hard in his face. Blood spurted out of Hayden’s nose and mouth, and he fell to the ground again.
The guy sat on top of him and reached for the knife, and this time there was no way for Hayden to escape.
“You messed with the wrong guys,” the guy said with twisted satisfaction on his face.
My legs and back injury burned as my feet rushed over the concrete ground, and I reached them before the guy had a chance to strike or notice me coming. Ignoring my fear, I sprayed the pepper spray all over his face.
“Fuck!” He shut his eyes and dropped the knife, jumping away from Hayden.
“Sarah?” Hayden said breathlessly when our eyes met, and I flinched when I saw the wounds on his face up close. The blood was trickling over his brow, nose, and mouth, creating a ghastly sight.
It took him only moments to snap out of his wide-eyed shock at seeing me here. He stood up and kicked the knife away so the short guy wouldn’t be able to reach it, though that wasn’t necessary since he was temporarily blinded and panicking more with each passing second.
“You’re going to pay for this,” Hayden hissed at him and pushed him to the ground. He straddled him and delivered blow after merciless blow to his face, until it became unrecognizable.
“Hayden, stop!” I clenched my hands into fists, hoping for him to come to his senses, but he was completely lost, and it was terrifying. “He can’t do anything anymore! Enough!”
I looked desperately at Masen, who was exchanging quick punches with the tall guy. Finally, he got the upper hand when his hook sent the guy to the ground. He stood above him, breathing heavily, and finished him off with a kick in the head.
“Do yourself a favor and don’t try to get up, unless you want me to send you into a coma,” Masen told him smugly and wiped the blood off his lip.
He turned around and looked at me. He opened his mouth to say something, but then his gaze fell on Hayden, who couldn’t stop beating the short guy. The sounds of hitting, crunching bones, and pleading cries made me ill.
“He’s done for, bro” he shouted at Hayden, but Hayden didn’t even listen, controlled by ferocious violence. “Hey, man! You can stop now.” He reached Hayden and grabbed him from behind, pulling him to his feet and away from the unmoving body on the ground.
An immense relief blanketed me. I’d been shaking hard all this time, and it felt like my legs would betray me any second. I looked at those two on the ground and felt a twinge in my chest. I’d rushed into this mess without even knowing what I would be getting myself into. I didn’t think about the consequences, following my instinct to protect Hayden. Who were these guys, and why were they fighting?
“Sars, you really are a savior. Remind me to make you a special meme,” Masen joked and winked at me, using that awful nickname again, but for the first time there was no mockery in it. His eyes shone with respect as he looked at the pepper spray in my hand. “Who would’ve thought you would do something like this? Pepper spray! You’re full of surprises. And speaking of surprises, what are you doing here?”
I could barely focus on his words, my pulse quickening under Hayden’s glare. He never took his eyes off of me as he wiped blood off his chin with the back of his hand, the veins on his neck prominent.
“How can you be so stupid?!” Hayden snarled at me, eliminating the distance between us in a few quick strides and stopping only inches away from me.
He hovered dangerously over me as he stared me down, his breathing labored. It was painful seeing his bloody face, and I felt the burning need to relieve him from pain. For the first time after a long time, he was standing so close to me, and despite his rage, my body hummed with the ever present contrasting emotions—fear, sorrow, and intoxicating anticipation.
“Why did you butt in?” He snatched the pepper spray from my hand and eyed it angrily. “Are you kidding me? You got your stupid ass into something dangerous, which isn’t even your business, with only a bottle of pepper spray? Do you see that?!” He pointed at the knife that lay on the ground a couple of feet away from us. He threw the pepper spray at my chest, and I barely managed to catch it. “That could have sliced your throat in a second, and that guy wouldn’t even think twice about it!”
I hunched, taking a step away from him. It hurt to hear him say this after what I just did for him. I didn’t need or want his gratitude, but I didn’t deserve this disrespect. His anger was hurting me, so easily drowning me in misery and self-doubt all over again.
“You’re going too far, bro. Her pepper spray worked, so it’s not a big deal.” Masen tried to reason with him, but Hayden didn’t even look at him, closing the distance between us once more.
“Don’t try to play the role of a savior again. You’re not a fucking savior, and you’re definitely not my savior. Taking the knife for me that night was incredibly stupid and more than enough. I can deal with my shit on my own. If this was you trying get on my good side, you can forget about it.”
Excuse me?! His dark eyes didn’t leave mine as the pressure built in me, searing its path. This was unbelievable.
I wanted to tell him so many things. I wanted to tell him he was wrong and convince him I had good intentions. I wanted to make him realize that I only wanted him happy and safe.
But it didn’t matter, because anything I said to defend myself now would only make me guiltier in his eyes, and it hurt knowing that. He distrusted me, and I could do nothing, absolutely nothing about it. As a person with BPD, he experienced extreme pain and sorrow, and what I’d done two months ago was a betrayal for him, which reinforced his doubts and insecurities. There was no way for him to trust me so easily after that.
“Sarah!” Mateo called me from across the parking lot, and my stomach somersaulted. This was bad.
He ran across the parking lot, looking equally mad and worried, and I glanced at Hayden. He stared at Mateo with pure hatred, his hostility almost palpable, and my heart rate picked up. Mateo didn’t stop when he reached us. He lunged right at Hayden and shoved him away from me.
“What did you do to her?!” He drew his fist back to punch Hayden, but I grabbed his arm and stopped him, dropping the pepper spray on the ground.
“Mateo, don’t! Don’t you see he’s hurt?!”
He turned his steely gaze on me. “Did he do anything to you?”
“He didn’t do anything.”
Hayden got into Mateo’s face, ready to fight again despite his injuries. “You wanna fight? Let’s fight, pussy.”
I looked at him, horrified. “No!”
Masen stepped between them. “No more fighting, bro,” he told him. The guys on the ground stirred, finally coming out of their daze. “We have to go. Someone could call the police.” He glared at Mateo. “Unless you called them.”
Mateo just watched him impassively, staying silent. Hayden’s eyes flashed with vehement rage, and he stepped toward Mateo. “If you did, I’m going to break every single—”
“Enough, Hayds. Let’s go,” Masen said and pushed him away as I pulled Mateo back by his waist. Hayden’s eyes darkened when he saw my hands on Mateo, and I felt a pang in my chest.
“Come on,” Masen told him, pushing him further away.
The tall guy got up and picked up the knife from the ground. He pocketed it and helped the short guy, who was still blinded, get up. He gave us the stink eye before they headed to the Honda, taken down a notch.
“The next time you lose a fight and come to our place looking for trouble, we’ll beat you even worse,” Masen shouted at them. I couldn’t help noticing that everything could’ve ended differently if I hadn’t showed up, but this fact obviously didn’t stop him from blowing hot air.
Hayden yanked his arm away from Mase
n, looking at Mateo and me one last time, and stormed off to his car.
“Let’s go,” Mateo said without even looking at me. I picked up the pepper spray and yelped in surprise when he grabbed me by my hand and started dragging me across the parking lot.
The screeching of tires behind me called for my attention, and I looked over my shoulder on time to see Hayden speed out of the parking lot with Masen following behind. The Honda left the parking in the same manner only moments later, heading in a different direction.
Mateo let go of my hand when we reached his car. “Get inside,” he hissed.
“Mateo, I—”
“Get in the car, Sarah. It’s fricking cold, and I’m not going to fight with you while I’m freezing.”
I returned the pepper spray to my backpack and got in the car. I buckled my seat belt as he got in, flinching when he slammed the door shut. He was mad, but now I could understand how that scene looked to him.
“I’m sorry.”
He put his seat belt on and turned on the ignition. “What were you doing there? Did they drag you out of the car?”
I closed my eyes, exhausted. The adrenaline had left my body, leaving emptiness in its wake. Everything about Hayden and the way he reacted to me caused this emotional storm within me that gave rise to more doubts.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
“No, I went on my own. I wanted to help when I saw them fighting... Hayden—” He tensed at the mention of his name. “He was in danger. One of the guys took out a knife and was about to strike—”
“So you went straight into a knife fight with just pepper spray? You have no clue how to fight or defend yourself.” It sounded exactly like what Hayden had said to me.
“I understand it was stupid.”
“You’re damn right it was.”
I gaped at him. He’d never been this angry at me before. “I admit I didn’t think, Mateo, but it was a life threatening situation. It all happened in a matter of seconds. What could I have done?”
“Call me. Call the goddamn police. Or you could’ve done nothing and stayed out of it!” He stepped on the gas pedal so harshly I was pressed into the seat, and my old back injury pulsed dully with pain.
“Please, calm down—”
He clenched the steering wheel. “How do you expect me to calm down? How do you expect me to calm down when I find my girlfriend with some shady guys in a middle of a fight?”
He increased the speed, and my breath hitched as I watched the speedometer needle climb too quickly. Mateo never drove fast, but this time he went way above the limit.
“Mateo, slow down.”
“You were on the brink of death just two months ago, and it was all because of that jerk! But as if that wasn’t enough, you’ve risked your life again, and guess what? It was because of that jerk!”
“Two months ago I made the decision to save him, it wasn’t his fault!” I didn’t know why I felt the need to defend Hayden, but I had to say it. “He risked his life that night, and I just did what I felt was right. Just like now. I didn’t think about myself.”
“Then you’re so stupid,” he said under his breath with his gaze fixed on the road, and a heavy disappointment lodged in my chest.
I looked back at the dark road in front of me, hurt filling me fast. Of course he couldn’t understand me. Mateo despised Hayden. He was jealous of him, and he didn’t want me to have anything to do with him. Did he think I betrayed him by rushing to help Hayden?
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I—”
“Don’t say you’re sorry when you’re not.” He ran his hand through his curls, his eyes shaded with anger. “Look, I don’t want to talk about this now. I’m pissed off, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret later. Okay?”
I pressed my lips together, staring off into the darkness ahead. “Okay.”
We spent the rest of the ride in silence, and when he dropped me off at my house, for the first time since we started dating, he didn’t kiss me goodbye. He just muttered “See you” before he sped off without sparing me a single glance.
Chapter 4
I STARED AT THE POEMS written in red that Hayden kept on the walls of his room.
“Without you I’m lost, but with you I’m crushed,
You’re my everlasting sorrow and my sweetest rush.
I hurt you, and my heart and bones break,
But it doesn’t matter that I love you, because after everything I’ve done... It does sound fake.”
This was strange. This poem hadn’t been here before...
Fake. Fake. Fake.
“It’s a roller coaster, and you’ll never know
What it’s like to be so high and then fall so low.”
Fake. Fake. Fake. This word was written all around these lines.
“Hayds wrote them,” Kay told me, stopping next to me.
“What do they mean?”
He shrugged. “He never actually wanted to tell me.”
“Weren’t you supposed to share everything with each other as twins?”
“Contrary to popular belief, twins don’t always know everything about each other. And you know we don’t have a good relationship. Hayds doesn’t let anyone break the walls he built around himself, despite being lost inside of them.”
“Why is he lost?”
“I don’t know. I tried to understand, but I’m not like him. I wish I could help him, but only he can help himself.”
“How?”
“You tell me, Sari.”
I winced, surprised by his unexpected words. Kayden was looking at me seriously now. Too seriously.
“What do you mean?”
“Do you realize how pathetic you are? You’re going around in circles, constantly thinking about Hayds when you were the one who set the boundary between you two.” He sounded sinister, and I didn’t like the way he looked at me. Kayden never spoke to me like this.
“Kay, what’s wrong?”
“You’re wrong!” he exploded, and my gut stirred. He looked disappointed in me. “You pushed Hayden away and rushed into something that’s just going to hurt everyone.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about. Don’t play dumb. Ever since you started dating Mateo, you knew it was completely wrong. How can you be with him when you don’t love him?”
“B-But, I will love him!” Why did this sound like something a child would say? “I’m sure I’ll grow to love him—”
“Stop lying to yourself,” a new voice said. I jerked my head around and saw Hayden. The scar running across his temple was viciously red. Guilt churned in my stomach, dissolving into apprehension when he entered his room and pointed at the word “Fake” on the wall. “You’re lying to yourself, you’re lying to your boyfriend, and you’re lying to me.”
“No. That’s not—”
“Do you think that’s fair to Mateo?” Kayden asked. “Does he know you keep thinking about Hayds? Does he know you hope things can be different?”
“No! I don’t—”
Hayden pointed at me. “You know what’s fake? You’re fake. You’re with him, but you keep thinking about me. You love me, but you pushed me away all too easily. You broke my heart. You broke me. You’re a hypocrite. A fake. Fake. Fake. Fake.”
“Fake,” Kayden joined him. They both glared at me, standing next to each other, and I started suffocating; tears soaked my face. They didn’t stop repeating that word, and tingles spread all over my head...
“No.” I backed away from them.
“It doesn’t matter that I love you...,” Hayden began humming, “Because after everything you’ve done... Your love does sound fake.”
No, no, no! “No!”
A chuckle rang out behind me. I was about to turn, when something punched me in the back, and the familiar pain of being stabbed exploded in me.
“I promised I’d make you bleed, bitch,” Josh whispered into my ear, and I screamed.
The room
plunged into darkness. My screams filled my ears as I lost myself in blackness, horror, and pain.
I flinched and gasped for air. I opened my eyes, feeling like my heart was going to burst. I raised myself up in bed and pressed my hand against my chest, panting. My face was wet with tears.
This was just another nightmare, but it seemed real. The day when I read Hayden’s poem in his room and talked with Kay was so vivid until my mind twisted it into a nightmare.
My dark room was too stuffy, and I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs. My nightstand clock read four-thirty am. I jumped out of bed and rushed to my window. I snatched it open and embraced the cold November air that hit my exposed skin, gasping for it greedily. I told myself to calm down, but my mind didn’t stop racing in disarray.
I buried my face in my hands and sobbed. The pulsating pain in my back reminded me that Josh was real, no matter how much I wanted to suppress the memory of him and that night. It made me feel sick and terrorized, and I never wanted him out of prison.
In the middle of it all, there was Hayden, and his pain was pulling me in.
My heart clenched when I remembered his expression the moment I got stabbed. Devastation. Despair. Fear... And then his expression in my dream. The accusation and hatred in his eyes, which mercilessly reminded me I’d made him suffer terribly. It reminded me of the pain that followed him everywhere.
I drew in a deep breath, attempting to stop the memories of that day in the hospital, but they were overwhelming.
I saved him, yet I hurt him deeply. It was only later, during those hours I researched about borderline personality disorder, that I grew aware of the agony he must have felt when I told him I didn’t care about him. For a person with a fear of abandonment and extreme self-doubt, this could mean coming apart at the seams and losing himself.
One word had twirled in my mind—suicide—freezing everything in me when I understood the extent of my careless, cruel mistake. What if he had suicidal tendencies? What if he self-harmed? What if I pushed him into further darkness and made everything worse?