by Vera Hollins
He moaned and angled my head, deepening our kiss, and my whole body warmed up. He feels so good. I was trembling, my chest tight with emotions as we tasted each other. He sucked my tongue into his mouth and bit into it, drowning my moan, and I tightened my grip on his jacket. Too good.
All too soon, he pulled back and locked his gaze with mine, panting. His eyes were two dark pools of lust, burning into me. “Why are you doing this to me?” he asked huskily. He removed his hand from my neck, but he left his other hand on my waist, holding it tightly, like he never wanted to let me go.
I pushed past insecurity and said, “I’m not doing anything. I just want you to know I’m here. For you.” My voice also didn’t sound normal, showing just how much his kiss affected me.
He still didn’t let me go. His intense gaze stripped me bare. “For me, huh?” he said quietly, looking deep in his thoughts. His eyes fell on my lips, and his hand gripped my jacket. “I don’t even deserve it,” he whispered.
“No. Don’t say that, Hayden. You deserve everything. You deserve happiness and...” My heart fluttered. “And you deserve love.”
His eyes filled with tears again, but he didn’t let me see them this time, letting go of me and turning away. He leaned his forehead against the passenger window. “Please, get out,” he rasped out.
“I don’t want to leave you alone like this—”
He whimpered and pressed his forearm against his eyes. “Please.” His voice was weak, stirring the deepest parts of me. My eyes brimmed with tears because he suffered this much. “Don’t. Just get out. Leave.”
I wanted to touch him so badly, but I could sense the barrier he’d put between us, which told me that wouldn’t be a good idea. I didn’t want to push him when I could see he’d already reached his limit.
“Okay.” I took my bag from his backseat. “Just please don’t leave those wounds untreated, okay? At least call Mrs. Black.”
I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t, still facing away from me. He shook as he shed silent tears, and I felt horrible for leaving him like this. I sighed and got out.
“I will,” I heard him whisper. I twirled around to look at him. “I’ll call her,” he added. Relief pervaded all of me, bringing warmth with it. “Thank you and... I’m sorry.”
I stared at his profile through my tears, feeling flutters in my stomach. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to do many things to put an end to our tears and bring out our smiles.
“Anytime,” I answered with a nod and closed the door, hoping he would be all right.
Chapter 16
RECENT EVENTS WERE beginning to take a toll on my studies. I was supposed to study for midterms, but I couldn’t focus on my grades when I couldn’t stop thinking about Hayden, my mother, and Brad. On top of all this, Mel was upset with me. I’d texted her to check how her conversation with her parents went, and it was bad, like I’d suspected. Steven and their parents argued, and they had yet to decide on the steps to take during the divorce process. She didn’t tell me much, and I deduced from her rather short texts that she still held a grudge against me for last night.
I wished she could be at least a little bit supportive of me trying to improve my relationship with Hayden, but unfortunately, I couldn’t do anything but wait for her to cool down and then try to talk with her.
I headed downstairs to fix something for breakfast, wondering if I was going to see Hayden in school today. The mind-blowing kiss we shared last night played on a tantalizing repeat in my mind, sending sparks of warmth through me each time, and I awaited our next encounter high on excitement and nervousness.
I was about to enter the kitchen when the doorbell rang, and I halted. Who could that be this early?
“I’ll get it,” mom said, walking out of the living room. She was dressed in her age-old yellow bathrobe and pajamas, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes. I kept my face in check, irked because she’d spent yet another night out.
She opened the door, and terror took over me when I saw Brad. He carried a bouquet of red roses and wore a huge smile on his face, looking as friendly as ever but not any less intimidating.
I can’t believe this. He’s here!
“Good morning, Patty,” he said benevolently.
My mother shrieked and tried to slam the door in his face, but he didn’t let her, jamming his foot in the doorway. I rushed toward them and skidded to a stop, panicked thoughts piling up in my mind because I didn’t know what he was going to do.
His smile didn’t falter. “Oh come on, Patty. Is that a way to greet your ex?”
“Don’t bullshit me, bastard. What are you doing here?” she hissed, gripping the door.
He looked between us, chuckling. “I came to see you, darling. It’s been a while.” He nodded at me. “Hi, Sarah. It’s good to see you again.” Was he serious? He brought his gaze back to her. “Did you receive my flowers? I know you love roses.”
“We don’t want you here,” I said, my voice holding a slight tremble. “Go away.”
He formed a small frown. “Now, why do you keep treating me like this? I told you I’m a changed man. I won’t hurt you.”
I didn’t believe him for a second. There was no way he didn’t have a hidden agenda.
“If that’s true, then go away,” I said, glancing at mom who looked too pale, the shadow of the past her settling on her face, and fear in my stomach burgeoned. She’d gone through a lot because of him, unable to pull herself together, and I was afraid she would hit the skids after this.
“Can we just talk first? I only ask for five minutes.”
“Not even a minute,” mom bit out, visibly shaking. “And if you don’t leave right this second, I’ll call the police.”
The first hint of anger flashed in his eyes, and my pulse accelerated rapidly. He masked it with another affable smile. “Now, now. There’s no need for that. I just want to talk. Nothing else. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on everything that happened between us, and I realized I made some mistakes, so I want to make amends. I want to prove to you that I’m not the same guy.”
I shuddered, disgusted. She shook her head frantically. “I don’t want anything to do with you. Get it? I don’t care if you’ve changed or not! Leave and don’t ever come back!”
She pushed the door to close it, but once again, he didn’t let her, with no smile on his face this time. The mask of friendliness finally slipped away.
“At least accept these flowers,” he said in a deep voice that gave another clue to his anger, his jaw locked.
All of me screeched in protest, countless scenarios of how this could go wrong racing through my mind. I moved to shove the bouquet away, but mom was faster. She smacked his hand aside, and the roses went flying to the ground.
“Go the fuck away,” she screamed. “And I swear to you, if you ever come close again, I’ll have you locked up before you can blink.”
She shut the door, locking it immediately. She pressed herself against the door and cried out. “No, this can’t be real. He can’t be real. He can’t be here. He can’t be.” She grabbed her head with both hands, shaking it vehemently, losing herself as she slid down to the floor.
“Mom.” I went down on my knees and grabbed her shoulders, dread claiming me its prisoner. I focused on any sounds from the outside, scared he might try to break in, but there was nothing. “Mom, calm down.”
“How dare he? How dare he come here and act like he hasn’t destroyed my life? How dare he?!” She sobbed. Her shoulders were rigid with tension under my hands. I bit into my lip, uncertainty and fright seeping deeper into me. What was going to happen now?
“Do you believe me now?” I asked. “I told you he’s in Enfield.”
She ran her hand through her hair, tears soaking her cheeks. “I thought... I thought you just made him up. I thought there was no way he was here.”
I curled my lip, wanting to shout at her for acting so unreasonable and stupid, but this was not the time. She was already shaken
enough. I heard the sound of a car engine firing up, and I went over to the window, peeking out of it. The black Toyota I saw the day before yesterday took off, disappearing from my sight, and I closed my eyes with a sigh of relief. He was gone. For now.
“We have to file for a restraining order,” I told her. “We can’t act like he won’t do anything. He’s dangerous, and after this, I’m afraid he’s going to do something bad any moment now. I don’t believe he’s changed for a second. It might not be much against him, but it’s at least something.”
She clenched her hands together in her lap. She didn’t reply immediately, several emotions passing over her face as she pondered. I half expected her to refuse me again, but then she met my gaze and nodded.
“Okay. We’ll file for it on Friday.”
Finally. I gave her a long gaze, looking for anything that would reveal if she was lying. “Is that a promise?”
“Yes. It’s a promise,” she said through her teeth, and I let another sigh of relief.
At least she wasn’t going to make a problem out of this, and we would get that restraining order soon.
THE REST OF THE DAY dragged bleakly as I went from one class to another. Jessica didn’t come to school, and when I texted to check on her, she told me she took a day off and would come to school tomorrow. In spite of that, I was concerned about her, deciding to wait until I saw her to tell her about my confrontation with Blake.
Hayden was also absent, and I was worried his injuries got worse. I couldn’t know if he’d really called Carmen or not, and by the time I returned home, I was convinced I should go to his house to check on him.
I needed hours to build enough courage to act on my new resolve, excited about it but also jittery. At first, I wasn’t sure he was even home, but at nightfall, I saw a light on in his room and decided to bite the bullet, planning to use our computer project as pretext.
Ms. Clare’s deadline for the project was next Wednesday and my art blog was far from done. I struggled with the web design big time, having messed some HTML codes and website widgets, which was something Hayden would be able to solve in no time.
I grabbed my notebook and USB flash drive for the project and left my house. I glanced around me, almost expecting to see Brad pop out of some dark corner, but the night was quiet and peaceful as ever. I passed Carmen’s car and stopped at their front door, wiping my clammy hand against my jeans.
I took deep breaths to calm down. Here I was, coming to Hayden’s house after such a long time. It felt surreal. All those days I spent here with Kayden felt like a dream. They belonged to a different Sarah, the one who didn’t lose a piece of her soul when she made such a reckless mistake. The one who didn’t have to see Hayden every day as a living reminder of it.
I sucked my lip in between my teeth and rang the bell, my heart pounding fast. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea at all. Maybe I shouldn’t have come. He didn’t want me in his house, and the last time I was here had been carved into my memory in the most painful way. We kissed last night, but that didn’t mean we made any progress. I couldn’t know his state of mind today, and that itself was daunting.
I rang the bell again when nobody responded. Each passing second told me I was wrong and should go home, but I didn’t move. I was rooted to the spot by what I said to him last night—I was there for him.
The door opened, and I drew in a quick breath, expecting to see Hayden, but it was Mrs. Black standing at the door.
“Why, hello, Sarah,” she greeted me, eyeing me curiously.
I blushed and tightened my grip on my notebook. Now that I was here, I had no idea what to tell her. This was definitely one of the most impulsive ideas I’d ever had.
“Um, hello, Mrs. Black. How are you?” Great. I was acting awkward.
She frowned. “I’m all right, but did something happen? Are you okay?”
I looked away, blushing harder. “Um, I’m fine. I just...” I sighed. Say it, Sarah. “I just came to see Hayden.”
Her brows arched. “Hayden? Why?”
Why wouldn’t this stupid blush go away? “Well...”
What did Hayden tell her about his injuries? He’d surely used some excuse, so if I said I wanted to see if he was okay, she would find it suspicious and press me about it. I didn’t want to make the situation more complicated.
I raised my notebook. “We have a computer project to finish.”
“Is that so?” Her eyes widened. “Oh, I apologize, Sarah. I’m keeping you outside all this time, how inconsiderate of me! Please, come in.”
“Thank you,” I said with a grateful smile. I was already feeling too cold.
She stepped aside to let me in, and I entered, looking around like I was here for the first time. Everything was the same, yet it was somehow different. “Confession” by Red blasted upstairs, and I glanced up the stairs before she led me into their living room. I felt like my heart would burst with excitement because Hayden was so close and I had no idea what his reaction would be.
“Take a seat.” She motioned me to a couch, and I sat down. “I’m not sure if he’s up to seeing anyone, because he’s not feeling so well today.” She stopped next to me with a sigh, clasping her hands together in front of her. “He got into a fight yesterday and has some serious injuries.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Did she know the real story? “A fight?”
Her face contorted in pain. “Yes. Some guys ambushed him on the street.”
Some guys ambushed him on the street? Did Hayden always use this kind of story as an explanation for his injuries? Did she really believe him?
“I’m sorry to hear that. How serious are his injuries?”
“His ribs are bruised, and he has bruises all over his body, but luckily, he doesn’t have any internal bleeding. I barely managed to take him to the hospital for a check-up when he called me. For some reason, he hates hospitals.” She smiled sadly, but I could feel the relief because he’d called her and let her help him.
“I’m worried about him because he’s hiding things from me,” she confessed, and I raised my eyebrows, surprised she would say this to me. So, she didn’t believe him.
“Why do you think that?”
“He gets injured too often, and it’s hard for me to believe he got ambushed again in just a matter of days.” I glanced away, uncomfortable under her fixed stare. “I think he’s fighting a lot lately, and I don’t know what to do with him. He doesn’t want to talk about it with me, so I don’t know how to help him. I don’t want to pressure him to open up to me, because that will only have an opposite effect.”
I pursed my lips. I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t even know why she was telling me this.
She clasped her hands together and smiled. “Anyway, I’m sorry for bothering you with this. It’s just that I’m worried about him and you.”
“Me?”
“Yes. Do you remember what I said the last time we saw each other? You told me you wanted to understand Hayden better.” I nodded. “I told you to be prudent. I’m glad to see your relationship with Hayden is improving, if your visit here is anything to go by, but I hope you’re fully aware of how difficult Hayden can be. I don’t want you hurt, Sarah.”
I bit my lip, irked by another warning. Did she even realize she was just making the chasm between Hayden and her bigger with this way of thinking? She already expected him to hurt me, and that wasn’t fair toward Hayden.
I wanted to ask her if she ever thought about Hayden getting hurt instead. She doled out these warnings about him like she still didn’t trust her own son, and it hurt. She didn’t understand him, but considered him a ticking bomb that was about to explode any second. How could he believe in her or any of us if we always expected the worst from him?
Furthermore, I didn’t like that she pegged me as some weakling who got caught into something that was more than she could handle.
I willed the emotion out of my voice. “I understand,” I replied briefly.
&
nbsp; “Okay. Then I’ll tell him you’re here.”
She went upstairs, and my pulse regained its previous erratic rhythm. I shifted on the couch, all fidgety.
What if he blew a gasket because I came? He clearly said he didn’t want to see me in his house the last time I was here. He went off the deep end when he found me in Kayden’s room and... I brushed my fingers against my neck. The echo of his choking hands around my neck filled my chest with ache.
I got up, too tense to remain sitting. I knew I had to trust him, but it was difficult to calm myself when the image of my last time here dwelled in my mind. His words had been appalling, and the darkness in him was as strong as it was on the day of Kayden’s funeral.
“What are you doing here?” Hayden asked harshly behind me, and I turned on my heel to face him.
My breath caught in my throat when he hobbled into the living room with Carmen behind him. He wore black sweatpants and a long-sleeved Nike shirt, looking sexy despite being injured. His eyes flicked over my body, and I grew overly self-conscious. I was wearing a simple, overused shirt whose baby blue color faded a long time ago, and a pair of wide, gray sweatpants that did a good job of hiding my legs. Now I wished I’d dressed better.
And since when do you care about your clothes in front of Hayden, Sarah?
I blushed hard. As if I wasn’t tormenting myself enough with other things, I had to be insecure about whether I was pretty enough for him or not. Wonderful.
“Since the deadline for our computer project is next Wednesday and we’re far from done, I came here to work with you. I brought the USB with the files.” Great, Sarah. That’s the first thing you say to him? I was so nervous and embarrassed that I couldn’t come up with anything better to say.
His face hardened. “No.”
I’d expected him to react like this, but my heart squeezed painfully nevertheless. “No?”
“No. I won’t work with you on that stupid project, so you can go home.” He turned to leave.
“Don’t treat Sarah like that,” Mrs. Black said. “If you two have a project to finish, you should work—”