Pained

by Vera Hollins

  No.

  Masen, Blake, and two guys from their football team held Christine, Maya, Mary, and Becca in place as Hayden threw their books, backpacks, and other stuff into the fire. Maya and Becca were crying, pleading Hayden to stop, while Christine and Mary just watched him in shocked silence.

  I was unable to move, my heart clenching as I followed his quick movements. He looked so mad, so lost in his fury and darkness, his features twisted in remorseless violence.

  Where were the teachers and the principal, and why didn’t anyone try to stop them? Why did no one ever stop them?

  “What? You aren’t so tough now, bitches? You want to play with fire? I’ll show you how to play with fire,” he shouted and threw the last book into the fire.

  He took his Zippo lighter out of his jacket and approached Christine.

  “Hayden!” I ran toward them, terrified of what he could be planning to do. His eyes glimmered with pain when he saw me, stopping on my hair. I halted next to him. “Hayden, stop this.”

  He frowned, like my words had surprised him. “What? No, I won’t. And what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be with the nurse.” His eyes scanned my body, growing dark with anger.

  Each student turned their attention to me, drowning me in humiliation. Some of them pointed to my hair, whispering in confusion.

  “I’m trying to stop you.”

  He tensed. “Stop me?”

  “Yes. This is not the way to deal with this.”

  “This is how I deal with things. They can’t do that to you and get away with it.” He looked at Blake, who held Christine. “Blake, turn her around and make sure she can’t move.”

  Blake’s expression was blank as he turned Christine around to face him, maintaining his grip on her upper arms to keep her in place.

  “No,” she cried out, shaking visibly as Hayden inched closer to her with a lit lighter.

  Nobody even moved to stop him, and my stomach turned with repugnance and fear. He went for her hair, which was shoulder-length, so if he set it on fire, the flame would reach her scalp in no time. He was going to hurt her.

  “No!” I closed the distance between us and grabbed his arm. “Don’t do this! This is wrong!”

  He snapped his head to look at me, his nostrils flaring. “What this bitch did was wrong. Now she gets to pay.”

  I grew queasy, my heart pumping too fast under everyone’s eyes. Christine, Maya, and their friends had hurt me so much, but doing something monstrous like this wasn’t a solution. I didn’t want them punished in this way. This was just extending the chain of hatred and violence, and it only created more hatred and violence. It didn’t make us better people but worse. We shouldn’t choose the easy path and go eye for an eye. We should be above that.

  “Not like this,” I pleaded him, clutching his arm. “This is horrible. I’ll report them and the school or the police will deal with them.” I didn’t have faith in them, but every possibility, no matter how improbable, was better than this.

  He snatched his arm away from me, glaring at me as if he couldn’t believe what I was doing. His body was extremely tense, and I took a step back, an old fear of him rearing its ugly head. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re defending them? I’m helping you and you’re throwing my help away?!”

  He looked furious, but this time his fury was directed at me, his eyes reflecting disappointment. I shuddered under the biting cold. I felt so weak and sick, and I didn’t want to be here. I just wanted to go to my room and hide underneath my covers.

  As comforting as it was that he was trying to help me, this wasn’t right. I didn’t want to witness his ruthlessness. He wasn’t even aware of how wrong this was. Revenge was never good. It wouldn’t make us feel better. This was battling someone’s darkness with our own darkness, and it just poisoned us and filled us with hate, bitterness, and more pain.

  My pulse beat wildly in my head as I got ready to say the words I didn’t want to say in front of everyone, because they were too personal, but I had to say them. For him.

  “No, this isn’t about throwing away your help. This is about doing what’s right. I don’t want you to do this, because it will only make you more angry and hurt. Can’t you see how bad this makes you feel? Can’t you see it’s like a cancer, spreading through your body fast and can’t just go away? It’s corrupted. If you do the same thing as they did, how does that make you different from them? How does that make you better?”

  My vision blurred, and I closed my eyes, trying to stabilize myself.

  “This is justice,” he said, and I opened my eyes to find his fixed stare on me.

  “Please. There are other ways,” I whispered. “This is cruel, sick, and horrible, and deep down, you know it.”

  “What is this?” Principal Anders shouted, and my limbs turned cold. I looked over my shoulder and saw him, Ms. Holt, and other teachers rushing to us.

  I looked back at Hayden, whose eyes had never left my face. He didn’t even pay attention to the principal and teachers, looking like he didn’t care if he was going to get punished for this or not.

  “You don’t understand, do you?” he said almost silently. His eyes were losing their edge, but I could discern loneliness in them. “You don’t understand that there is no other way for me.”

  “Find a fire extinguisher!” the principal instructed someone. “Call security!”

  I swayed, and Hayden caught me, clasping my upper arm. “Then let me help you find another way,” I whispered. “Not like this. Don’t let that negativity rule over you. Don’t let your darkness win. Please.” My voice broke at that last word, revealing how shattered I felt to see him like this.

  “Step away from those girls!” Anders shouted at the guys when he reached us, his face red with fury. “What do you think you are doing? All of you!” He pointed at the students. “Is this all a show for you?” He glared at Hayden. “And you. Do you have no shame, Mr. Black?”

  Hayden gritted his jaw and put his Zippo back to his pocket, letting go of my arm. “You’re quite in a good mood for preaching for someone without morals.”

  “What did you just say, Mr. Black?”

  “Chill,” Masen said to the principal and released Maya, pushing her away from him none too gently.

  “Mr. Brown, you better shut your mouth if you don’t want a stricter punishment!”

  Masen smirked. “Bring it on.”

  Two security guards jogged over, carrying the fire extinguishers. I felt like I was going to vomit as I watched them douse the flames. Anders and the teachers argued with Blake, Masen, and their friends, but the fire extinguishers made too much noise for me to hear them. I tilted my head backward, willing myself to keep it in me.

  “Sarah?” Hayden asked me. His eyes slid over me in worry. I needed to go right away if I didn’t want to lose it in front of all these people.

  “I need to go to home,” I mumbled.

  He grasped my shoulders. “Are you stupid? You weren’t even supposed to come,” he said in a tone laced with concern.

  I fell to my knees, too queasy. He followed me down, his grip steady on my shoulders. “I need to go home,” I repeated.

  “Do you want me to drive you home?” Jess asked me and kneeled next to me.

  “Yes,” I said.

  “What? No.” Hayden frowned. “I’m driving you home.”

  “You’re coming to my office, Mr. Black.” Principal Anders approached him. “You too, Miss Decker.”

  “She’s not feeling well, moron,” Hayden hissed at him.

  “Please, don’t punish him. He...” I fought to stand up. I felt like my whole body was filled with lead when I got back to my feet with Hayden’s help. I was so cold, and my throat was sore. I was scared because of Christine’s potential retribution, but I was done staying silent.

  “He did this because they started everything first. Christine Thompson burned my hair.” I pointed at my head and swallowed an enormous lump in my throat when every single pair of
eyes zeroed in on it. “And they”—I pointed at Maya, Becca, and Mary—“Restrained me so I couldn’t escape. Then Christine kicked me—”

  “You bitch!” Christine shrieked. “That’s a lie!”

  Hayden moved so quickly, even with his injuries, that I almost lost my balance. In two menacing steps, he closed the distance between Christine and him, taking his Zippo out again.

  His face twisted into a murderous scowl. “That bitch just saved you.” He grabbed her shoulder and lit his lighter, bringing it too close to her hair. “And if you don’t shut your filthy mouth, I’ll burn your hair before you can even blink.”

  “Mr. Black!” Principal Anders shouted a moment before the security guard restrained Hayden. “Get him away from her!”

  “Take your hands off him!” Blake jumped to separate the guard from Hayden.

  The other guard grabbed Blake, and Masen moved to interfere, but their friends from the football team stopped him.

  “Don’t make this worse,” one of them told him.

  Hayden tried to set himself free, but he couldn’t shake off the tight grip, weakened by his wounds. “Let me go, shithead,” he snarled at the guard.

  “That girl.” Jess pointed at Becca. “She came to our table during lunch break and said Ms. Holt wanted to see Sarah.” Her cheeks were flaming red, but she didn’t even blink as she stared back at the principal, her chin raised high, and I was overcome with gratitude.

  “Slut,” Becca hissed, giving her a hostile glare.

  “What? I never asked for Sarah,” Ms. Holt said.

  “I discovered that the hard way,” I muttered, staring at the ground through blurry eyes.

  “Even if Miss Thompson and her friends did that, that doesn’t justify Mr. Black’s and his friends’ conduct here,” Anders said.

  “Fuck you,” Hayden spat at him, and I inhaled sharply.

  “Hayden!” He met my pleading stare. “Please, don’t make this worse for yourself,” I whispered.

  “Bring them to my office!” the principal said, pointing at Maya, Christine, Becca, Mary, and me. “All of them.”

  “Mr. Anders, Sarah is really not feeling well,” Jessica said. “She should go home immediately.”

  He studied me closely to check if that was true. He shook his head reluctantly. “All right. Go home but I expect you to come to my office when you get better. We need to sort this out.”

  I nodded tiredly. I was freezing, my nose was runny, and my teeth were chattering.

  “Let me go,” Hayden barked at the guard holding him and yanked against him. “Let me go! I won’t go on a killing spree. Let. Me. Go!” He pulled forcefully despite the obvious pain he felt, managing to break his grip.

  He took off his jacket and stopped in front of me, shoving it to me. “Take it.”

  I gaped at him. “What are you doing?”

  His scowl deepened. “I said, take it. You’re freezing, and I don’t want you to get sick just because you came out here without a jacket.”

  My heart fluttered happily. I held his jacket like it was the most precious thing I’d ever carried. He gave me his jacket to keep me warm. I must be dreaming.

  “All of you! Why are you still standing here?” Principal Anders shouted at the students surrounding us. “Go to your homes already!”

  “I can’t take it,” I whispered to Hayden. I tried to give it back, offering it to him, but he didn’t reach out for it.

  “Sarah, don’t argue with me on this. Take the fucking jacket.”

  “But you’ll get cold. I don’t want you to freeze because of me. You don’t have to—”

  He grabbed the jacket without a word and put it around my shoulders, his warmth and intoxicating fragrance engulfing me. “Stop talking. You’re annoying the shit out of me now.” He glanced at Jessica. “Take her home.” He placed his cold hand on my cheek. “And for fuck’s sake, eat something when you get home. Your stomach was growling all this time.”

  Oh Hayden.

  “To my office! Now,” the principal shouted, motioning for everyone except Jess and me to move. Slowly, the students started dispersing.

  “I can walk by myself,” Blake hissed and yanked away from the guard who was holding him. His eyes were set hard on Jess as he headed to the school, something indecipherable passing through them.

  Masen chuckled without any humor and followed Blake, sneering at the guards. “They’re pretending this is CSI. I bet this is the most excitement they’ve had in years.”

  “Now Mr. Black,” the principal yelled at Hayden.

  “We’ll talk later,” he whispered to me. He moved his thumb over my lower lip, and my skin tingled.

  “Please, don’t let them provoke you,” I whispered back. “They aren’t worth it.”

  His almost black eyes seared into me, stealing my breath—stealing my everything. His fingers slowly caressed my jaw, and it felt so good. “How come you always manage to fill my world with color?”

  This left me astounded, but before I could say anything Anders shouted, “Mr. Black!”

  “Please, go.” I stepped back, leaning against Jessica who had offered me her arm.

  He nodded. “I’ll see you later.” He turned to leave, but then he stopped and looked at me over his shoulder, his eyes warm. “Get some rest.” I couldn’t even respond, my throat closing up at the sight of this caring, gentle Hayden... “And try not to puke all over Jessica’s car.”

  Chapter 22

  THIS DAY TOOK A TOLL on me, so I decided not to go to school tomorrow. Jess insisted on staying with me, but I refused because I needed to be alone. I’d been so nauseated I rushed to the bathroom the moment she left. I threw up my breakfast until there was nothing but bile in my stomach, but then one look at my face in the mirror sent me flying back to the toilet. I retched again and again, my heart pounding furiously in my chest as my stomach protested painfully.

  I looked hideous. I was pale with the dark circles under my eyes, and the burned ends of my now asymmetrical hair made me look like a real creep. I couldn’t even look at myself. I’d loved my hair. That had been one of the few things I liked about myself. Now it was gone, and I was mortified to let other people see my extremely short hair.

  My tears had completely soaked the collar of my shirt by the time I stood up from the toilet and decided to take a shower. I needed to wash away today’s memories. My limbs were heavy, and every bone in my body hurt when I finished showering. My throat got more sore.

  I brushed my teeth and dragged myself to my room, wearing only a bathrobe. I collapsed on my bed, wanting to close my eyes and never open them again.

  I was on the brink of dropping off to sleep when my mother’s text arrived.

  “Your school nurse called me. What happened? Are you okay?”

  She didn’t even call to check on me, choosing to message me instead. It had always been like that, not that I wanted to hear her voice right now. These simple texts just reminded me that I didn’t have a real mother. I needed to manage everything by myself.

  “I’m fine. Nothing serious happened. Don’t worry.”

  I just got a haircut. Nothing serious at all.

  I swallowed my tears. I couldn’t even tell my own mother what had happened to me. I curled into a ball on my bed and embraced my knees, bringing them to my chest.

  Another message arrived.

  “Okay then.”

  That’s all? I heaved a shuddering sigh and turned off my phone.

  I wrapped myself in my sheets because it was so cold, trembling as I stared at my ceiling. I wanted to give up. Trying to stand up was pointless anyway. I would always fall down. I wanted to give up on fighting because bad things happened anyway, whether I fought against them or not. I just wanted to be alone and do nothing.

  This apathy was devouring me, and the longer I lay, the more I didn’t even want to move. Nothing mattered. Life was complete shit.

  Just as I closed my eyes, with the hot tears trailing down my temples and into my h
air, the bell rang. I flinched. Who was that now?

  My heart hammered against my ribs as I waited to see if this person would go away or continue ringing. The loud ringing spread through the house once more shortly after. No. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.

  They rang the bell again, this time repeatedly as if they grew impatient, and I felt a flicker of fear. What if it was Brad? What if he broke in, just like Josh?

  I stood on wobbly feet abruptly, getting dizzy, and looked around the room for anything I could use to defend myself. What was I going to do?

  A couple of seconds passed with no sound. Maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing. Brad was leaving Enfield, anyway. Thinking they gave up and left, I moved back to my bed, but then I heard someone call my name from below my window.

  “Sarah? Open the door! I know you’re there!”

  Hayden! I swayed and fell on the edge of my bed.

  “Sarah!”

  I raised myself up and moved over to the window. Hayden stood directly below, looking at me with a frown.

  “What are you waiting for? For me to serenade you? Stop staring at me and open the door!”

  He walked away, and I clutched my chest. He was here.

  I headed down the stairs when the bell rang again—once, twice, thrice. My body felt so heavy I just wanted to lie down and stay that way. I hugged myself. It was too cold, and shivers rocked my body on my way to the front door.

  I opened it and shuddered hard when the cold air breezed past me. “Hayden, what are you—”

  “Finally,” he said, his relieved expression replaced with a frown a moment later. His eyes went over me, and I remembered I was just wearing a bathrobe. I hugged myself more tightly, trembling harder. “Are you crazy? You opened the door only wearing a bathrobe? It’s cold and you’re—”

  “Hayden, I...” All I could hear was chatter in my head. I felt woozy. “I’m not so well...” I staggered, and before I knew it, I was falling. He caught me, going down to the ground with me in his arms.

  “Fuck,” he hissed in pain and embraced me. I closed my eyes shut, breathing unevenly. My skin felt hot. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” He pressed his hand against my forehead. “You’re burning!”