by Vera Hollins
“Please, go... I don’t want to bother you with this.”
“Are you serious? Don’t be an idiot. Come on, I can’t carry you, so you have to stand up.” He raised me up. “Let’s close the door first. We don’t want you to get sicker.”
He closed the door with his free hand and helped me walk over to the stairs.
“You care about me,” I said quietly, my eyes closing by themselves.
“No, I’m doing my community service.” He hissed when we moved up the stairs. “Come on, one leg at a time. That’s it.” His hands were so gentle around me. “Of course I do. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care about you, Sarah.”
Of course I do. A fragment of my numbness disappeared, and I smiled slightly.
“Up until last night you didn’t even want to talk to me,” I mumbled, my breath labored.
“Does it matter? Do you really have to mention that now?” I didn’t answer, too tired to argue. He growled and took a deep breath. “Fuck. I’m sorry. Even now, when you’re sick, I’m acting like a complete jerk.”
We climbed the last step. I couldn’t open my eyes, but his arms around me made me feel safe.
“Up until last night I wasn’t even sure you ever loved me,” he answered, his voice strained, and I opened my eyes. My room seemed so far away... “Up until last night I was terrified to believe you. I was terrified to make that one step that could kill me if everything was a lie.” We stopped in front of my room, and I met his intense stare. “Please, don’t let it be a lie.”
I wanted to say something, but my mind was too foggy. I didn’t even know how I reached my bed. Amid haze and confusion, I finally plunged into darkness.
I FLUTTERED MY EYES open, completely disoriented. My nightstand lamp was the only source of light in my room. I needed a few moments to remember what day it was.
which day it was.
“Sleeping beauty has finally woken up.”
I snapped my head at Hayden. He was sitting on the floor with his phone in his hand, leaning against my bed. I was confused at first as to why he was in my room, but then I remembered he’d come to see me.
Hayden is in my room.
“I... How... What time is it?”
He pocketed his phone and turned to face me. “Almost nine.”
“Nine?” I’d slept for three hours, but I didn’t feel energized at all.
“Yes. Had you eaten anything before I came?”
I sat up. Something slid down from my forehead and fell on my lap. It was a damp washcloth. I frowned, realizing I didn’t feel cold anymore. Also, my temperature didn’t seem as high as it was earlier.
“No, I haven’t. You were here all the time? You applied this washcloth to lower my temperature?”
He smiled, but I read concern in his eyes. “Don’t sound so surprised. I don’t think you remember, but I woke you up and gave you ibuprofen two hours ago.”
I tried to remember, but my mind was blank. “But I don’t have any in my house.”
“I took it from my room. I assumed you didn’t eat anything, so I also brought you this.” He pointed at a bowl of soup, tea mug, and apples. My eyes grew wide at the sight. “Before you think I made the soup, no, I didn’t. I don’t know shit about cooking, but Carmen’s chicken soup is amazing, so you don’t have to worry about me poisoning you.” He looked somewhat embarrassed.
Tears sprang to my eyes. He took care of me while I was sick. He’d been here all this time. Nobody had ever done this for me.
He took my hand and pressed his lips on my palm. “Why are you crying? Does something hurt?”
“My muscles are aching, and my throat is a bit sore, but that’s not why I’m crying. Hayden, nobody has ever done this for me. Being next to me, taking care of me while I’m sick, worrying... Not even my own mother. I...” I wiped off my tears, feeling a crushing pain in my chest. I was happy and sad at the same time.
He raised himself up from the floor and sat next to me, pulling me into his embrace.
“There was no way for me to let you deal with this on your own. It fucking rips me apart to see you like this. I need you to be better.” He took me by my shoulders and made me look at him. “I can’t be okay when you’re not okay, baby.”
Baby... I couldn’t believe this was the same Hayden I always knew. I pressed my palm against his cheek, wishing I’d known this side of him much earlier. I wished things could have been simpler between us... I wished I hadn’t been his target from day one. I closed my eyes, briefly overpowered with regrets and “what ifs”.
No. That was our past. This was our present, and if we let it, this could be our future. He was here now and nothing else mattered.
His lips found mine, and I opened my eyes in surprise. My stomach fluttered when our gazes met, his eyes reaching the farthest corners of my soul as he devoured me. It was intense—two broken halves of a whole, finally finding their way to each other—and it was all I ever needed.
“Hayden,” I breathed.
His hot kiss was leaving me weak. I brought my hands against his hard chest and felt his erratic heartbeat under my palms. His lips traced my jaw and traveled slowly to my neck, and I liked it... I liked it so much. His hands slid down my back possessively and skimmed over my ribs to my chest, reaching my breasts, and I gasped, pushing against him firmly as I tried to ignore how good it felt.
“Hayden!”
“Shit,” he hissed and separated from me, breathing unevenly. “I’m sorry.” He looked away and clenched his fists on his sides. “I’m sorry. You’re sick. And not like this. I’m so sorry.”
He reached for the bowl of soup on my nightstand and handed it to me without looking at me. “You should eat now.”
Why wouldn’t he look at me? Was he ashamed?
“Hayden? Please, look at me.”
“I’m sorry.” His jaw was set hard, his gaze cast aside. “It’s just that you smell too good. Fuck. I couldn’t resist it. And you feel so good under my hands.”
I could hardly breathe, his words leaving a blazing trail in my chest. “But look at me. I’m ugly. My hair was burned off, and now it’s short and awful... How can you even want to kiss me?” I tightened my hands around the bowl on my lap. I missed my hair...
“Sarah?” He cupped my chin and raised my face to look at him. “Stop putting yourself down. It’s just hair. It will grow back eventually. And I don’t care whether it’s long or short. You’re the most beautiful girl to me. You can look like shit, and you’ll still be the most beautiful to me.” His eyes fell to my lips. He swallowed hard. “Fuck.”
“What?” I mouthed.
“Just being this close to you makes me want to kiss the hell out of you...” My heart rate sped up. He shook his head and dropped his hand, drawing away from me. “I’m sorry. Eat.”
I remained still, confused with my body’s reactions. All of a sudden, Hayden was touching me so intimately, and I couldn’t get my mind around it. I wasn’t quite ready for what was happening between us because everything was so new and I had no clue what we were, but it didn’t scare me. I wanted it.
I took the spoon and began eating. My taste buds highly appreciated the flavor, despite my sore throat and lack of appetite. “Mmm, this is delicious.”
One corner of his mouth lifted. “Told you so.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For everything. For being here. For the soup. For saying I’m beautiful.”
His smile grew huge. “It’s nothing. I’m glad I can make you happy.” A shadow passed over his face. “After everything I’ve done, this is really nothing.”
I didn’t want him to blame himself. I moved my hand, so nervous to take the initiative and touch him, and covered his.
“It’s everything for me.” I held his stare filled with bittersweet emotions that rocked my world. “This is what I needed. Literally. I didn’t even have a proper lunch.” I frowned. “It’s because that girl, Becca, called me and they...”
I knew who he was asking about. I forced myself to continue eating the soup. “She never liked me to begin with, despite being my ‘friend’ before Kayden died. It was Natalie who pulled the strings before, but after she was arrested, Christine took charge and made me her direct target.”
His jaw was clenched so hard his muscles twitched. “What did she do to you?”
I swallowed a small piece of meat with difficulty. “A lot of things, but I don’t want to think about them now. It’s enough to say it became physical from time to time.”
He balled his hands, exuding tension that held a promise of terrible violence. “That bitch.”
“How did you know that Mary and Becca also attacked me?”
“Blake, Masen, and I pressed Maya and Christine to tell us everything.”
“And what happened in the principal’s office?”
“Nothing. We had a ‘talk’ and he tried to ‘discipline’ us, which is bullshit. You’ll be glad to hear that Christine, Maya, and their stupid friends are getting expelled.”
I inhaled sharply. This was big. This meant I wouldn’t have to see them or fear their retribution in school anymore. I would finally be free from Christine and her bullying.
“So Anders believed me?”
He smirked. “He had to after Blake, Masen, and I gave our statements.”
My brows dipped low. “Statements? What statements?”
“That we found you when they assaulted you.”
“But you didn’t.”
His eyes twinkled with satisfaction. “He doesn’t know that.”
My lips parted. He’d lied for me. And not just him. Blake and Masen had lied for me too.
“Why did Masen and Blake do that? They don’t like me.”
His grimace showed me he wasn’t okay with it. “They did it for me.”
Oh. I got it now. Blake and Masen were jerks, but I was glad they could be good friends at least. I was happy for Hayden.
“They’re good friends.”
“They are.”
“You didn’t have to lie, Hayden. You can get in trouble for—”
“For what exactly? Don’t exaggerate. There’s no way for him to find out. It’s our word against theirs, and we know who holds the highest power in our school. Those bitches deserved it anyway.”
“So he decided to expel them just because of your statements?”
“Yes.”
“And how about you? Did he punish you?”
He snorted. “If you can call a stupid detention a punishment.”
“That’s good. At least you weren’t suspended.”
“Yeah, right. Like that would ever happen. He’s perfectly aware that my mother could stop donating to the school if he ruins my chances of going to a good college. Then there’s Blake’s father, our dear mayor, who could cut the school’s budget. And Masen’s dad can spill all the dirty things we know about our principal dearest in his TV news. So it’s clear why the worst thing he can do is give us detention.”
I pursed my lips. I was relieved that he didn’t get in trouble, but it was hard not to feel dissatisfied because our principal was an unscrupulous, corrupt person who only cared about his reputation. He craved power, and he couldn’t care less about justice or persecuting people for their wrong deeds.
That was the reason why Hayden and his friends had always gotten away with everything. They were never really punished, no matter what they did and whom they hurt. Nobody in school questioned it, not even the staff. When you had money, connections, and power, people either feared you or respected you.
“What dirty things about Principal Anders?” I asked, half-scared to hear.
“Like sleeping with the students.”
My mouth went agape. “You can’t be serious.”
“Guess who one of those ‘lucky’ students is?”
“I have no idea.”
“Christine.”
I stared at him with wide eyes. “What? That’s unbelievable. I knew she was vicious and cruel but so disgusting and shameless?” I placed the half-eaten soup on the nightstand and looked at him. “She’s horrible. How could you ever be with her, Hayden?”
He frowned. “I’m not a saint, Sarah. Christine and I were good together because the sex was great. I didn’t care about her personality.”
I willed myself to keep my gaze on him. I didn’t want to talk about her and their past, but I had to ask what had bothered me for a long time.
“But you two were together for a long time. No matter how many times you broke up, you always returned to each other. You surely must have felt something for her.”
His eyes bore into me, and my cheeks blushed. He gave me a lopsided grin. “Is this your subtle way of asking me if I ever loved her?”
I looked away, wishing I had my long hair to cover my face and hide from his all too intense gaze. He laughed at my reaction.
“I never loved her, Sarah. I never even cared about her. We were never exclusive, so it was more like we used each other when it was convenient.” Using each other when it was convenient. It sounded so cheap. So empty. “She wasn’t clingy in the beginning, but at some point, she became too clingy and asked for some things I was never and will never be able to give her. It was a matter of time before I finally grew tired of her.”
I twisted my hands on lap. I was jealous nevertheless.
“She must’ve been really good at sex since she kept you for so long,” I muttered, looking sideways with another blush covering my cheeks.
He chuckled. “Yeah. She’s amazing. A pro.”
My stomach somersaulted. I regretted starting this conversation.
He burst into laughter at my pouting face. “I like when you’re jealous.”
What? I sliced him with my eyes. I felt ridiculous. “I’m not jealous!”
“Yes, you are.”
“I’m not!”
He leaned toward me, and his warm breath caressed my face. “Here, I’ll tell you something that will help you sleep better at night.” He drew even closer, his lips grazing my cheek before they moved to my ear. I shivered, hyperaware of him... “Just your kiss has made me feel better than ever, baby. Christine, or any other girl, can’t even compare to you.”
His fervent words did wonders to me, and I felt warm. My heart thumped fast under his deep stare. “My heart acts like crazy whenever you say something like this,” I admitted sheepishly.
“That’s because it belongs to me. Only me.”
My chest throbbed, my lips parting to get the much-needed air into my lungs. He ran his hand through my short hair, observing me as he caressed it slowly. I was beginning to feel drowsy, and I yawned, closing my eyes.
“You need to rest. Finish the soup and then go back to sleep.”
I took the bowl and ate the remainder of the soup. I thought about going to the police and reporting Christine and her friends, but I wondered whether that would help me or bring me more trouble in the future.
“Christine and her friends could get back at me for today,” I said, referring to Hayden’s payback.
“I won’t allow them that.”
“Hayden, you won’t be next to me 24/7. Sooner or later, I’ll be all alone and they will be able to do something even worse.”
“No,” he repeated more firmly. “They won’t. Today was nothing, but believe me, I’ll fuck their shit up if they try it.”
“Don’t. Don’t do something like this—”
“I won’t. Don’t worry. There are other ways to scare someone without even touching them.”
I didn’t say anything because that was so true. I knew that better than anyone. As if he knew what I was thinking about, he said, “You know I’m sorry for everything? I don’t want you to be afraid of me now.”
I sighed. “I’m not afraid... It’s just that all those things—bullying, violence, revenge... I’m repulsed by them. I hate them. I hope you underst
and why I stopped you today. I don’t believe that violence solves anything.”
His eyes were fixed on mine as he searched for something in them. “Why not?”
“Why not?”
“They deserve punishment, so why not?”
“Is that what bullying is for you? A punishment?”
“Yes.”
“For what? You’d been bullying me from day one, and I hadn’t done anything to you, so it had hardly been a punishment.”
His eyes grew tempestuous in an instant. I realized I entered a forbidden territory, which could just hurt us and open more wounds. As much as I wanted to, it wasn’t easy for me to get over everything Hayden had done to me.
“Are you really going to talk about this? Do you need to ruin this moment?”
My stomach rolled at the harsh truth. There were so many things that separated us, and I still didn’t forgive him.
I glanced sideways, trying to push away my pain. I still can’t forgive him...
“No. I’m not going to talk about it now. I just don’t want you to bother yourself with my problems. Christine is my problem.”
He didn’t answer me, looking at me for a long time. His hard eyes stripped me bare.
I squirmed. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
He cocked his head to the side. “Sarah, do you know what love is?”
I winced. “Why do you ask me this all of a sudden?”
“Because you don’t seem to get it. Love is not only about caring for someone. Love is not only about being there for someone. Love is letting someone be there for you. Love is sharing your dreams, fears, desires, your problems. And that means your problem is my fucking problem too, you idiot.” He wound his arms around me and pulled me into his embrace. “I’m not fragile. I won’t go crazy if I decide to protect you at all costs. I need you to trust in me and believe that I could be strong enough for you at all times, no matter what.”
I gripped his shirt with my cold fingers, his words resonating within me. He was right, and I hadn’t even been aware I was doing that. I’d wanted to keep him out of my problems partly because of his disorder, thinking it would only make him feel worse and more negative, but now I understood I’d been underestimating him. I hadn’t quite believed he would be able to withstand everything. I was so wrong.