by Barb Han
Remembering to breathe through the contraction, she waved him off as she focused on her breathing. When her birthing class teacher had told the group to breathe through a contraction, she’d almost laughed out loud. But then she’d looked up, and realized the teacher was serious. What? No miracle yoga pose? No shot of whiskey? No tree branch to bite down on?
Breathe?
Hadn’t she been doing that her entire life? If getting rid of period cramps was as easy as breathing, wouldn’t she have had the hang of it by now?
Okay, big whoop, the teacher had given them a breathing technique. The end result was the same, take in air—exhale. She’d walked out of class that night vowing never to return. She’d called Dr. Kero the following morning and told the office she wanted to revise her birthing plan. The whole “breathing” method to get rid of pain wasn’t going to cut it. She’d told them to give her as many drugs through the delivery as was safe for the baby. Women might have birthed babies in between chores in the old days, but death rates were high, and now she had better and safer options for both her and the kiddo.
The whole he-he-he, ha-ha-ha trick she was doing now was working. So, yeah, she would be embarrassed later when this whole episode settled down.
“Are you in labor?” Blake finally asked when her he-he-he, ha-ha-ha bit settled down.
“Maybe we should time these. If another one comes, we panic.”
Based on the wide-eyed, openmouthed response she got from Blake, that wasn’t the answer he was expecting. He checked the clock on his phone anyway.
“It could be all the activity I’ve had. Your friend said the heartbeat was strong and the baby has been active in the last hour.”
Blake nodded before taking a seat on the solid coffee table. He gave her a quick update on his conversation with his brother and let her know Colton was planning to touch base with her office to make sure no one was looking for her. He put his hands on his thighs and issued a sharp sigh. “I’m sorry you’ve been going through this pregnancy alone.”
Now, it was her turn to be shocked. She expected him to be mad as hell at her for not coming to him right away and telling him about the baby in the first place. Although, she’d blocked all of that out. She must’ve had her reasons despite not for the life of her being able to figure out what those might be now.
Studying Blake, she felt nothing but love, deep and enduring.
The next cramp didn’t double her over. She definitely felt it, though. The pain wasn’t on the same scale as the first. She used the breathing technique again. It worked. Basically, she owed an apology to one Lisa Waterson, baby birthing guru, and needed to withdraw her request for a refund for the class. Miss Lisa deserved a bonus. Once this ordeal was over, Alyssa needed to stop by with a gift card for her former teacher.
A few more rounds of cramping later, Blake announced the cramps were erratic.
“I think you should call your doctor anyway on the emergency line,” he said.
“Better safe than sorry. I probably should have called already considering how far along I am. It’s possible that I’ve missed a weekly appointment. My doctor could be frantic.” She cradled her bump thinking how crazy it was for her to love someone she hadn’t officially met yet. Feeling the little bean grow inside her, kicking and stretching, made Alyssa feel very attached. Seeing her sweet angelic face on 3-D sonograms made Alyssa even more eager to meet her daughter.
The pregnancy news had come as a shock. This was a real memory, not an assumption based on the present situation between her and Blake. “It took me a while to adjust to finding out I was pregnant.”
“Yeah?” A brow arched. A question.
“It’s a memory. I distinctly remember holding the stick and seeing two lines. I was in shock and confused. All I could think about was how to tell you.” She cast her eyes down at the wood flooring. “Obviously, I didn’t. I don’t know why I wouldn’t tell you when all I could think about when I woke up in that dark closet was getting home to you.”
He brought his fingers up to her chin and lifted it so she was looking into his eyes. “You’re here now. I know what’s going on now. That’s what matters.”
And yet, there was a piece of her memory that was missing, which seemed to matter more than anything else: why had she walked away from him to begin with?
Chapter Ten
The genuine anguish in Alyssa’s eyes stripped away a little more of Blake’s defenses. Touching her was a bad idea, so he brought his hand back to his thigh. “You should probably make that call.”
He waited as she called the after-hours line. She left a message for the nurse, who returned the call within minutes. For the first time since this whole ordeal had started, he let himself contemplate what it would mean to be a father. The first person who came to mind was Cash. His older brother was in the process of adopting his new wife’s infant daughter. Cash had adapted to fatherhood so fast Blake’s head was still spinning. And it looked like the most natural thing to see him hold Abby.
Did Blake want to have children? If the child turned out to be his, he wouldn’t have much of a choice. He’d have to figure out fatherhood on the fly despite the fact kids weren’t in his game plan. At least, not for now. His renewed vow to find out what had happened to Caroline was his priority. He didn’t need anything or anyone distracting him from the promise he’d made to himself. The knowledge and justice his mother deserved.
Now, his father was dead after stirring the pot. With a baby on the way, would Blake be free to take the risks necessary to get to the truth?
He thought about his brothers who now had spouses and families. He might be a hypocrite, but he would tell them to back off the investigation if he thought it would do any good. Every O’Connor had his own cross to bear when it came to feeling the responsibility of finding out the truth.
Alyssa ended the call and Blake tuned back in.
“The nurse said everything sounded good since I don’t have any bleeding. I missed my weekly appointment and didn’t call in, so they want me to stop by tomorrow. They’ve been worried about me. I didn’t know what to tell them, so I just redirected the conversation to the cramps.” She shrugged. “I didn’t know what else to say.”
“What time do they want you to go in tomorrow?” He’d need to arrange an escort for them. Houston was a big city with serious crime, so he would call in a favor from an off-duty officer or two. If the kidnappers were somehow linked to her doctor’s office, she might be walking right into their hands. Her family business was one thing. She could avoid going there unless the right circumstances presented themselves.
“Eleven o’clock.”
“That will give me time to have Liz stop by the office and see what she can find out.” He was keeping Liz plenty busy. He would owe her one for all her help. “Instead of going into your office tonight, what do you think about staying here and putting your feet up?”
“I was just about to suggest the same thing.” She blew out a frustrated-sounding breath.
“Patience wins battles,” he said by way of reassurance.
“It’s frustrating to have limitations. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to meet this little girl and I have no doubt in my mind all of the sacrifices I’m making now will be worth it.”
He clasped his hands together and listened.
“But not being able to go full speed when I want to make sure these guys are behind bars makes me want to scream sometimes.”
“I hear what you’re saying. You’ve been doing a great job of caring for...her. You have help now, so even though it feels like you’re not doing anything, progress on the investigation is being made. You have to trust others to step up.” He surprised himself with the bitterness that crept into his tone on the last part. Did she need to hear it? Probably not right now and he wasn’t trying to be a jerk.
“I deserve that.”
“No.” He issued a sharp sigh. “You don’t.” Although he couldn’t think of one good reason for her to keep the pregnancy from him, there had to have been something that had held her back. “Can I ask you one question, though?”
“Yes. I can’t promise I’ll know the answer.” She folded her arms across her chest and rested them on top of her belly.
“Did you know about the baby before you left?”
“I can give you a definitive answer there. No. I found out about the pregnancy after. I’m solid on the fact.” She was already gone and then found out she was pregnant.
“Did you have plans to tell me?”
“I wish I knew.” She shrugged. “It’s frustrating.”
Since that was a dead-end road, he pivoted the conversation. Besides, it didn’t make a difference. There was a baby involved. Blake would deal and do the right thing by the kid if it turned out to be his.
It was getting late and she would be more comfortable in bed.
“What do you think about trying to get some sleep?” His workout had done its job. His body could settle. Blake could go days without sleep if he needed to. Tonight, he would rest.
“This might sound crazy because I know I showered when I first got here. Another one would be heaven.” She’d always showered before bed.
“Do you need help?” He caught how that sounded after the words left his mouth. “Don’t take it the wrong way. I mean, help getting upstairs.”
“I’ll take all the help I can get right now.”
“You know that I’m in this for the long haul, right? I have no plans to walk away and leave you to bring up a child on your own if that’s my daughter.” He needed to be specific with her about his intentions.
“You want to hear something strange? That makes all kinds of warning bells sound off in my head. Like, that’s somehow a bad thing.” She pushed up to standing with some effort. “How messed up is that? Having a baby’s father around—and especially someone as honorable as you—should be a good thing. Yet, it’s literally sending panic vibes racing through my body.”
Did that mean the baby wasn’t his?
* * *
THE CONFUSED LOOK on Blake’s face mirrored what was going on inside Alyssa’s head. She knew, without a doubt, he was the baby’s father. The thought was unshakeable in her mind.
“Are you afraid of me? Afraid that I would take the child away from you?” It was a valid question at this point. One she didn’t have an answer to.
“In my heart, I don’t believe so. Was there a fight between us before I left?”
“No.” He held out an arm and she took the lifeline as she waddled toward the stairs.
“Can you remind me of our situation? Maybe it’ll jog a memory. Were we happy?”
“No.” There was so much resignation in his tone. “I thought we were okay. You started acting different after your father died.”
“I know he died from pneumonia but had he been sick a lot prior? Do we know what brought it on?” She honestly couldn’t remember.
“It came on suddenly.”
“Nothing else? No foul play, right?” she asked. Considering she’d been abducted, it seemed like a fair question.
“None that you mentioned. There was no police investigation. No obvious sign of foul play. Your father became ill and passed away from pneumonia in the hospital. He’d been a lifelong smoker and was having issues with emphysema. You were always on him about his smoking.”
“That feels familiar.” She paused. “You said the two of us weren’t happy.” She circled back to their relationship.
“There was a lot of distance between us. I thought we were fine and that we’d reconnect once you settled your father’s affairs and got your mother situated.” There was so much honesty in his eyes and sadness in his voice as he spoke.
“But I didn’t.”
“No.” He shook his head. “And I should have talked to you. I should have kept talking until you couldn’t take it anymore and started talking just to shut me up.”
“You can’t blame yourself for the breakup of our marriage. By all accounts, I did it.”
“I let myself believe that for a long time, Alyssa. I did. I wanted it to be all your fault because you’re the one who walked. But the truth is no relationship is carried by one person. And no relationship is broken by one person. I didn’t do enough to let you know how important you were to me.”
“I might have walked anyway, Blake.” She couldn’t imagine doing it the first time let alone if he’d put up a real fight.
“True. But I wouldn’t be filled with all these what if questions.” They crested the top of the stairwell. “What if I’d talked more? What if I didn’t let you get away with being gone so much.? What if I’d taken leave from work to help you settle your father’s affairs? What if I’d taken you back to the ranch like I wanted to?”
“Might have turned out the same.”
“Then I would be able to let go of all this regret. As it is, I’ll take it to my grave.”
Those words were the equivalent of being stabbed in the center of the chest. “I wish there was a way to convince you none of this was your fault. I only remember you as being an amazing husband. Someone I couldn’t wait to get home to.”
“Your memories will come back, and you might think differently.” Was that part of the reason the walls between them were thickening? One step forward. Two steps back.
There was no right way to respond. She could argue, but he might be right. She could agree and frustrate him more. There had to be a way to give him an out and release him from beating up on himself. She had to find a way to show him the blame was on her. For reasons she couldn’t explain, she knew it had been her fault.
“Are you good from here?” he asked.
“Yes.” She let go of his arm.
“You left more clothing behind than what was in the closet. The cleaning lady packed them in a box and put them in the guest closet. I can dig it out and find some of your old things for you to sleep in.”
“I doubt any of my shirts would fit now.”
“You can borrow one of mine. You have undergarments and some of your favorite yoga-type pants in there,” he said.
“That would be nice.” She didn’t want to get too excited about the fact her clothing was still there after all these months. Had he hung on to them for sentimental reasons? Did she still have a place in his heart? Or had she ruined the best thing that had ever happened to her?
“I kept forgetting to take them downstairs so I could donate them.” He started down the stairs. “Out of sight, out of mind.”
All her hopes fizzled like a deflated balloon. Still, a nighttime shower was on the menu and she loved the relaxation that came with warm water sluicing over her. Her legs were tired. Heck, her bones were tired. And yet, she had no plans to shortchange her shower time.
Some of the ache eased while water pounded sore muscles. A knock on the door preceded Blake’s voice letting her know he was putting some folded clothes on the counter for her.
Many of her favorite knickknacks were gone as well as most of the art she’d carefully selected. Had he boxed those pieces up or did she take them? An image popped into her thoughts of her grabbing a few of her things on a rainy night. She was in a hurry. Scared. She threw as much as she could into a pair of trunks and then loaded up her SUV. The only picture she’d taken with her was that of her wedding.
Driving away from the townhouse, tears streaming down her cheeks, she pictured herself saying goodbye.
A memory? Or a dream? Nightmare would be more like it.
Alyssa cut off the spigot before stepping out of the shower. She heard the click-click-clack of a keyboard from down the hall. The bathroom door was cracked, and she appreciated Blake’s thoughtfulness. He probably wanted to be able to hear her should she need him.
She picked it up off the counter and held it to her cheek. It smelled clean, masculine and spicy, like campfires on a fall evening...like Blake. The cotton material was worn to silk. She breathed in the shirt one more time before putting it on. Her belly caused it to look like a tent, but she didn’t care. It was so soft, and so Blake.
On top of her favorite yoga pants sat a pair of underwear. They fit and she’d take the win. Yoga pants were next. Those were stretchy enough to make work. She didn’t realize how much she’d missed the comforts of home.
This was temporary, she reminded herself. Once the danger had been resolved, she would go back to her life and Blake would go back to his. She wanted to be able to help him with his sister’s case in some way. Pay him back for everything he was doing for her right now. After the way she’d walked out on him, he was a saint for taking her in and she better understood his initial reaction when she’d shown up out of the blue.
A little piece of her wished life had turned out differently. That she still lived here, and they were excited about the baby. The guest room would make the perfect nursery. She could envision painting the room and decorating for the little angel on the way.
Blake was going to make an amazing father. Period. He had all the qualities their daughter would want in a dad. And Alyssa wanted their daughter to grow up frequently visiting his family’s ranch. The childhood he’d described had been the best anyone could have hoped for under their tragic circumstances. The kidnapping of his sister haunted the family.