All or Nothing

by Riina YT

  The experience—the sight of Carter, a guy I’d known, crushed on, for over a year, falling apart right before my eyes—stunned me into silence.

  “Holy heavens and deities above.”

  I barely managed to catch Carter as he collapsed on top of me.

  Yeah. I know, I wanted to say but couldn’t form the words.

  “Where did that dirty mouth come from?”

  Shame flooded me. Had he hated it? I was afraid to speak, so I silently snuggled closer and wrapped one arm around him. Squeezing tightly against his body, skin hot and a little sticky, he was heaven on earth to me.

  “Was it weird?”

  “Weird? What are you talking about?” Carter lifted his face to look at me. “Hell, I liked it,” he whispered, kissing the side of my throat. “Wasn’t expecting you to be so vocal, but hot damn. You have a sexy voice. It really turned me on.” Is he embarrassed? I never imagined Carter to get all shy and flustered like this.

  “I… The words just tumbled out, I guess.” His cheeks were warm and soft against my fingers, and I pulled his face toward mine. “Possibly aftereffects from your mind-blowing, soul-sucking, life-altering kiss?”

  “Mm-hmm,” Carter hummed. “Quite possible.” He grinned and then kissed me, a brief touch of lips. “Let’s see what happens next time, maybe take notes.”

  I chuckled, then kissed his neck above the braided leather necklace, below it, all over his chest, shoulders, and arms. Sighing deeply, I brought his hand to my lips and brushed them across his knuckles and fingertips. My tongue found traces of our mixed releases, and I eagerly lapped away, licking him clean.

  Carter’s other hand caught my waist, and he pulled me closer, squeezing gently as I continued to explore lazily. I inhaled his scent—loving the muskiness, and memorizing it along with every nook and cranny of his body and all its textures and tastes.

  ♥

  Chapter Eight

  Carter

  “Carter?” Remmy’s voice cut through the fog in my brain. I must’ve dozed for a while after we’d cleaned ourselves up. Definitely hadn’t gotten enough sleep to feel completely rested though. “I totally forgot to ask—” His sleepy voice cracked on a yawn. “—if you ever called your parents?”

  “Uh, no, but it’s all good; don’t you worry,” I said and gazed at the ceiling, rubbing my tired eyes with the back of my hand.

  “What do you mean?”

  “There’s…no need to call anyone.”

  A rustling sound—bed sheets—and then a heavy weight on my leg. Scratchy body hair rubbed against my skin. I liked the little fuzz he had going on his legs. I smiled to myself, hardly believing I was sharing a bed with Remmy.

  “Are you sure? Won’t they be worried?” Remmy’s arm brushed mine under the duvet, and his warm fingers wrapped around my biceps. I swallowed the lump in my throat, my body trying to hold back the words, keep them locked inside for a while longer. No matter how much I disliked the idea, I had to tell Remmy more about myself. Only my closest friends knew anything about my past, my family.

  “I haven’t been quite as honest with you as I should have been.”

  “Oh, okay.” I started when Remmy took my hand in his own. His thumb rubbed my palm, squeezing lightly. “Will you tell me?” His voice was gentle and the touch comforting. “I hope you didn’t feel like you had to hide something from me. I would never judge, and I’ll always listen, you know, if there’s something on your mind. Anything at all.”

  “It’s not…You didn’t. I just don’t like talking about my family. ” I paused for a moment, then took a deep breath. “My parents…Well, long story short, I don’t have a family anymore. My mom died seven years ago, and I never knew my father.”

  Remmy squeezed my fingers tighter, so I lifted my head to look at him. I didn’t like the sadness in those amber eyes. He should never feel down on my behalf.

  “Please don’t think I kept it a secret from you on purpose. Not many people know, and I like to keep it that way.” I paused before continuing. Remmy simply lay there and silently listened, as if he were eager to share my pain if I let him. “My Uncle Thomas, Mom’s brother—he and his family took me in after she passed away from cancer. I suppose, technically, they are my family now, but they don’t want me. To put it simply, they don’t want to have anything to do with me.”

  Realization dawned on Remmy. His eyes widened as he worked it out. “You weren’t planning on visiting them, were you?” He asked in a quiet, pained voice. I shook my head. He would understand why I wouldn’t want to see them. I didn’t have to say the words.

  “Oh, man. I’m sorry.” His hand caressed my cheek, fingers brushing along my jaw. “That sucks. I’m truly sorry they don’t appreciate you as they should, Carter.”

  “Thank you.” I shrugged, not knowing how to respond. “It’s okay.” It did suck, but then, it didn’t. Not anymore. I’d grown used to it, I guess. I just really missed Mom. She’d meant the world to me.

  “I don’t want to assume, but is it because you’re gay?” Remmy asked, and when I nodded, he then quickly added, “Jesus. Why are people so dumb? It’s fucking unfair.”

  It had been made very clear early on that they had a problem with me bringing home a boyfriend when they heard rumors of me holding hands with a boy at the movie theater. Not denying those rumors had been the start of many arguments and eventually being cast out. It was cliché as hell but sadly still a reality for many youths these days.

  I barely managed to summon a fake, less confident smile. “I’m better off on my own anyway. They do pay for my tuition though; I have to give them that. My uncle really loved my mom, and despite me being unworthy of their love, or some such shit, they said they’ll make sure I won’t end up in a ditch.” More for their sakes than mine, I guessed. God might punish them for punishing me. Whatever. I had no idea how their minds worked, and if I were honest I would be fine never finding out.

  Remmy threw his arm around me and pulled me to him. “I’m glad.”

  “Me too,” I said and leaned into him and his comforting warmth, loving the sweet and earthy scent surrounding him. I was so damn happy I could hold him like this, realizing I wasn’t all alone. “Wouldn’t have met you otherwise.”

  “Nope, probably not.” Remmy tugged at my arm and rolled on top of me with a breathless oomph. “Not if you’d ended up in a ditch, anyway.”

  I smiled up at him, our eyes locked, and he leaned down, touching his lips to mine. “So glad I was saved from such a horrible fate and found you instead,” I mumbled, my mouth moving against Remmy’s, thriving on the taste of his lips. “Even if it took us a while to connect.” Better late than never, right?

  Then I stole a long, deep kiss and allowed myself to get lost in the man holding me so close, like he couldn’t bear to let me go. I soaked in his warmth and affection like a cat in the sun.

  He sighed into my neck. A kiss—leaving my skin tingling—then a nip. I squeezed him tightly and pressed a kiss to his shoulder, reveling in his silent comfort.

  “Do you want to come home with me? Spend the rest of Christmas with us?”

  “I don’t know.” Would that be okay? I wasn’t sure I’d be welcome, especially on such short notice. “What will your family think? I can’t just show up with you without asking them first.”

  “Why not?” Remmy said with a catch to his voice. I hoped he wouldn’t think I didn’t want to meet his family, that he didn’t mean anything to me. Because he did. More than I allowed myself to think about.

  “I can ask right now, and you know, I’m out to my family. They’re totally cool with it. Mom loves guests, the more the merrier. She won’t mind feeding my boyfriend, especially not on Christmas; trust me. She’s good at taking care of others. The very best.”

  “Boyfriend?” I hoped I didn’t sound too surprised. Wasn’t this too fast? I didn’t want to rush into anything with Remmy…but here we were, together, in bed, after one of the most mind-blowing hours of my life. Would thi
s relationship be doomed from the start because I couldn’t keep my hands to myself?

  I touched a finger to his jaw and dragged it down the inside of his throat and then along the collarbone I found so sexy. Damn, I loved touching him. Loved even more the way he responded to my hands, my lips.

  “Yes, please? Will you be my boyfriend, Carter?” His eyes fluttered, and he gave me the cutest look, his face flushed, black smudges at the corners of his eyes and damp, sea green hair sticking to his forehead. I never would have thought that color could be so damn sexy. “It’s Christmas, after all. And I’ll have you know I was exceptionally good this year. Shouldn’t at least one of my wishes come true?” He batted his long eyelashes dramatically.

  My chest tightened, and my stomach fluttered with a wild herd of butterflies. Remmy was going to drive me nuts. I was in such deep shit where he was concerned. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to be sort of rushing into something with Remmy… At the moment, it felt like the start of something amazing, something that could last a very long time.

  “One of your wishes? How many wishes have you made exactly?” I narrowed my eyes, which amused him. His grin was infectious. “And I’m what? Wish number two hundred fifty?”

  “Oh, no. Definitely much, much higher up on the list. Promise.” He crossed his heart and chuckled, leaning into me, awkwardly pushing his sticky bangs away from his forehead. “But I think we dive into that discussion when we have more time…and privacy.”

  Heavens above, he was too sweet. I wanted—if not needed—Remmy in my life for a very long time.

  “Isn’t there enough privacy here?” I waved a hand around the quiet hotel room. We might not have a lot of time left—Christmas was right around the corner, but we were doing good on the privacy part.

  “We’re lacking…stuff. Bunch of different things we’ll need for, you know, our discussion. About wishes and how to make them come true.” Remmy grinned. “Maybe get a dance pole too. Admittedly, this was added only recently to my list, but just as important.”

  With a snicker, I wrestled Remmy to the mattress, attacking his lush lips with my own and kissing him long and hard, not letting him up for air until he wriggled underneath me. I caught both of his thrashing hands and held them in place above his head. Another kiss and I lingered there, feeling his lips barely open, his teeth grazing against my skin.

  “Damn, Carter,” he hissed, and I trailed a hand down his temple, then tipped his head to the side so I could kiss along his jaw and down his neck.

  “In all seriousness though,” Remmy said on a moan, struggling for breath. “I don’t want to rush this—us—or talk you into something you don’t want.”

  “You’re not, Rem.” I gave him a gentle smile and tugged his hands to my lips, kissing his knuckles. “I want to see more of you after today. And I think agreeing on being your boyfriend is a good start.”

  “Yeah? I feel like I’m dreaming.” Remmy beamed, and I dove right back at him, stealing the breath from his lips.

  “I was thinking the same thing.” His flushed smile was blinding, but there was still something I needed to tell him, so I pulled away before this could get out of hand.

  “I have one more thing I need to get off my chest. You, ah, you know how I came to Allentown because of Tamara, right?” I whispered, searching his face. I hoped like hell he wouldn’t resent me after what I was about to say. “She’s been my best friend and the closest person to me since losing Mom.”

  “Okay, yeah.” Remmy nodded and pushed up on his elbows, finding a more comfortable position to talk.

  “And… Well, she’s got it bad for you, Rem.”

  “Say what? But I don’t…” His eyes grew wide. “I never… She what? Has a crush on me?”

  “Yes. She’s into you, like really, really bad.” I reached for him and pulled him against my side. I touched my thumb to his cheek and rubbed. “All year she was hoping you’d ask her out.”

  “I…” Remmy blinked. “I had no idea.”

  “Such a heartbreaker and don’t even know it.” I playfully poked him in the ribs. Tamara and I were together a lot, especially when our groups of friends met. We always caught Remmy looking, observing. “Whenever Tam and the other girls catch you staring, they assume it’s because of their hot bodies, sexy makeup or new haircuts. They try so hard to impress the boys; I feel bad about it now.”

  “They are very pretty and fashionable.” For a moment, Remmy gave me a confused look. His eyes widened when he put the pieces together. “But most of the time it’s only you I see.”

  Having Remmy say these exact words set off an explosion of excitement inside me.

  “She told me she liked you, and how she hoped you’d eventually notice her, but you never did. For a long time, I couldn’t tell whether you had your eyes on her, me, or one of her friends. Though after a while, I had the impression you were extremely aware of my every move.” I chuckled then. “I didn’t want to do anything to hurt her, so when I wasn’t with anyone, I still kept my distance from you. Backing off was more difficult than I thought it would be, but Tamara’s one of the most important people in my life. It seemed like the right thing to do.”

  Wow, it sounded silly saying it out loud. Telling Tamara how I felt hadn’t turned into the drama I’d feared. We’d been friends forever; I should have known she’d understand. Had I stopped myself from approaching Remmy for a different reason? Subconsciously?

  “I told her I’m into you—”

  “You’re into me?” Remmy cut me off, his eyes wide with wonder. “Like, I mean, you were into me before today?”

  “Call me crazy, but yeah.” I laughed, feeling floaty. “I’m into you, Remmy. Big time. From the moment I laid eyes on you. Couldn’t get you out of my head.”

  A bright smile split his face. I grabbed his neck and pulled him into a quick kiss.

  “So, Tamara. She knows?” His hand found mine and our fingers entwined. “That you like me?”

  “We had an argument one night. Very recently, actually.” I tried to look away, but Remmy’s gaze held mine with little effort. I loved his eyes, their warmth calming something within me I hadn’t been aware needed calming. “I’m not proud of it, but I had a few tequila shots too many and said something stupid.” I paused, gauging his reaction.

  With a little smile, Remmy shook his head. “What did you say? You do realize now you have to tell me, right?”

  “She kept going on about you, and how she thought you were checking her out one day in the cafeteria, and I lost my cool. I told her that I was fairly sure it wasn’t the skimpy dress or her boobs you were staring at.” Holding his gaze I pleaded silently. “I don’t know why I said it, but I had enough frustration bottled up to blow up the whole state.”

  “Whoa, Carter.” Remmy’s eyes widened in surprise. He barely managed to suppress a laugh.

  “It wasn’t cool of me. I know. I’m far from proud of my behavior, but for once, I couldn’t ignore her rambling on about you. I was so frustrated, with myself, you, the whole damn world.”

  “You were right though.” Remmy chuckled then. “I’m always waiting, helplessly hoping I’d catch a glimpse of you before my classes.” Remmy ducked his head, his cheeks coloring that adorable shade of red. “Praying that one day our eyes would meet and you would walk over and sweep me off my feet. It’s silly, I know, but in my daydreams that’s usually how it goes. If you’d actually told me you liked me a few weeks ago, I probably would’ve combusted on the spot.”

  I couldn’t help staring, musing how ridiculous we’d been. If either of us only had the balls to say something earlier, approached the other… Man, the last few months could’ve been so different. The entire year even. I would’ve never gone out with Travis, spared myself the frustrations and heartache.

  “Anyway, what did she say?”

  “Tam?” I asked dumbly, trying to remember what we were talking about. Right. “Despite her having been oblivious of my infatuation for so long, she put the pieces togeth
er fast, demanding I tell her why I thought you wouldn't be interested in her boobs. It was embarrassing! And I had no answer for that other than my suspicions, so when I refused to say anything and apologized instead, she wasn’t fooled any longer. Said she’d wondered whether I was interested in you for a long time, and now that it was out in the open, she insisted I make a move already.”

  “Ouch, she sounds feisty.”

  “She can be, Tam likes a good challenge.” I grimaced at the memory of that stupid, stupid drunken night. “When I told her I wouldn’t dare, unless you outright rejected her advances, she only laughed and made me drink yet another of those disgusting tequila shots.”

  “Do I want to know how the story ends?” Remmy squinted his eyes and pinched my sides until I laughed.

  “Hah. Wouldn’t you like to know,” I teased, catching him by his wrist. “Tam said if you were even only one percent into guys, she understood she didn’t stand a chance. Like, if you actually had been checking out me instead of her, she wasn’t real competition. I told her she was being stupid, but Tam insisted I ask you out or something.”

  “Or something,” Remmy repeated, his voice barely a murmur. Our eyes locked, and he licked his lips. I swallowed. He was so damned sexy I couldn’t stop myself from pressing into him and rubbing my nose against his cheek, inhaling his scent.

  “So this whole escorting me home thing, getting snowed in by a fucking blizzard, was the result of some sort of challenge? Quite the big game plan you had there.” Remmy was amused, and I silently thanked God and the heavens above for sending this wonderful guy my way. “How’d you make that storm happen? Tell me. Those kinds of connections might come in handy in the future.”

  “It’s a secret I’d like to keep,” I whispered and nuzzled his throat. “I’ll give you a hint though. Ms. Fate owed me.” A hand caressed my neck, fingers brushed over the buzzed hair above my neck. A comforting warmth spread through me. “Wish I’d talked to Tamara way back when.” I pulled Remmy closer still. “Think we would’ve hit it off right from the start? Without blizzards threatening our lives?”