In Chapter 2, I mentioned the work of Dr. Thomas Attig. Dr. Attig’s ideas that differ from the traditional five stages suggest that loss causes a grief reaction, composed of all the components we usually think about, including sadness, despair, anger, and confusion, but what we do with this experience is our grief response. The grieving response is how we learn to adapt and cope with our now transformed world.
“When we are ready to break away from whatever may be holding us in grief reaction, grieving continues as we actively engage with the realities of what has happened to us and we begin addressing challenges of relearning the world of our experience,” he writes.
“We work through and express emotion,” he explains. “We change motivations, habits, and behavior patterns. We modify relationships. We return home to familiar meanings in life. We reach for inevitable new meanings. And we change ourselves in the process. Death, bereavement, and our grief reactions are not matters of choice. But grieving in the quite contrasting second sense of the term as an active response to them is pervaded with choice. When ready, we must choose our own path in transforming the course of our lives following bereavement.”
Tembi Locke, actress, speaker, and author of the memoir From Scratch, lost her husband, Saro, after a decadelong battle with a rare form of cancer, leaving her widowed with a seven-year-old daughter, an experience that taught her both deep grief and also resilience.
Tembi told me, “In many ways, I came to widowhood and deep grief already exhausted. I had spent my entire thirties as a cancer caregiver for my husband. That means that for years, I had lived with a gnawing anticipatory grief for which, at the time, I had no name. The anticipation of losing my partner, lover, best friend, and father of my child created incredible anxiety.” She went on to expound on her experience:
A decade of living with a life-threatening illness had left my nervous system hijacked by the near-constant anxiety. The unpredictability of his care and treatment had me in a perpetual state of “fight or flight.” Plus, I had been experiencing anticipatory grief for years. That came with its own anxiety. To survive it all, I had to learn how to stay in the moment and escort myself back to my present. It took a lot of work and a lot of emotional energy, but it was how I survived.
After Saro died, to some degree my anxiety was masked in the first year. It was so interwoven with acute grief that it was hard to discern one from the other. It was all a ball of awful. By the second and third years, it was more obvious. I had free-floating anxiety that could land anywhere, at any time. Hearing a distant siren could set me off; it triggered trauma. Sometimes it still can. Perhaps it will always be my nervous system’s auto response to certain circumstances and fears. In some ways, it is the legacy of long-term trauma. But I know the signs now, I can feel it coming on. I have tools to redirect the fear. I have a personal mantra to calm the parts of me that are afraid. My anxiety is manageable because I acknowledge it.
When I asked her about the kinds of resilient behavior she used like the ones mentioned by Thomas Attig above, Tembi had this to say:
The short answer is everything and the kitchen sink. I really have tried so many different things to respond to grief and honor it in my life. I think that, in and of itself, is a kind of resilience. It is a willingness to keep trying in the face of pain and loss. Resilience is rooted in willingness.
On a practical level, I make sure I am around people who can support me and be with me exactly where I am. I know I need that in order to feel safe and supported. So, I am very selective about who I choose to be intimate with in my grief. I don’t feel people can be resilient if they are not starting from a place of being somewhat supported.
I write a lot. I mean a lot. I have written so many letters that never got sent. These letters help me to see what is hurting me, what I want to change, where I hope to go.
She went on to tell me that, “Some techniques came naturally—taking downtime and being with positive, supportive people. Other techniques came to me by way of other people’s suggestions and reading books. Grief counseling helps. I am a naturally curious person. I’m not afraid of my own emotional landscape. So this helps me to stay open to what might inspire me or move me. I suppose I am naturally inclined to move toward what I don’t always understand. I get curious about it. And if I stumble on something (a piece of advice, a place, an idea) that feels right for me, I will not hesitate to incorporate it into making my life a little better.”
After witnessing so many different clients go through the grief process, some of them more resilient than ever, I think that what Tembi hits on about curiosity is important. We must be curious about the process, and we must be willing to engage with our emotional realm in way that we have perhaps never before done. Grief is unlike anything we go through during our lifetimes. It is overwhelming and sometimes frightening. Being willing to engage with it and to explore all the ways it shapes us is vital to moving through it.
In a book called Resilient Grieving, author Dr. Lucy Hone writes, “Throwing yourselves into recovery doesn’t mean hiding from grief, pain, misery, aching. It just means you go with the present experience—when these emotions come, you open up to them and let them in—but you choose to get up in the morning and get out in the knowledge that, if you want to win this fight for survival, you’ve got to step up and take control.”
So how do we go about doing this? Here are some basic ideas about resilient grieving that you can begin to employ no matter where you are in the grief process.
Establish Routines
Creating a regular schedule and routine, despite the changes that you have incurred, works to soothe the brain and let our unconscious know that we are safe. This has a calming effect on the body and central nervous system, leading us away from some of those bodily responses that can easily trigger a panic attack.
When my mother died, I took a yearlong hiatus from college. I had no sense of routine—I stayed up late, traveled on a whim, did nothing predictable. At the time, this felt like what I wanted—my mother was gone; nothing should be the same. But in retrospect, I think it would have perhaps been more beneficial for me to remain in school and continue as planned, while still grieving. Being unmoored like that, out in the world, increased my anxiety and my sense that there was nothing to rely on.
Tembi explained that she believes she “made it through the first year on fumes and single-minded determination to keep as much of my world around me as intact as possible. Because my daughter was seven at the time, I wanted to keep the constancy of place and routine. Plus, the time and energy that I had given over to caregiving for nearly a decade suddenly had no outlet. I think I transferred that need ‘to do’ over to making sure things were orderly. I was almost obsessive, but it kept me sane, if not exhausted.”
Examine What Is Working
Dr. Hone encourages grievers to ask themselves if their behavior is “helping or harming.” This means paying attention to the thoughts you are focusing on. Are you obsessing on feelings of guilt, continually running through a list of “what ifs,” or replaying traumatic images?
These are all normal responses to loss. It’s as though our mind wants to turn the experience over in our heads like a Rubik’s cube, trying to make sense of it, trying to line up the events in order to reach a different outcome. Again, this is normal and expected, but after a certain period of time we must begin to release these thoughts and move away from them.
If you find yourself continually replaying certain thoughts, stop and ask yourself if they are actually helping in some way. If they are not, then it is time to let go of these thoughts. We’ll cover more strategies for “retraining” your brain in Chapter 8.
Ask for Help
This one may seem obvious, but I can’t tell you how many people I’ve encountered who shrink from this in the face of grief. Either they assume that no one around them will be able to truly help, or they are afraid to ask for help. Letting the people around you know what you need—whether that’s househ
old help, financial planning assistance, or simply someone to listen—can ease the burden you are carrying. I think you’ll be surprised how ready your community is to help you once they have an understanding of how.
Asking for help does not always come easily. In cases of loss where our lives and our emotional capacities change dramatically, sometimes we must force ourselves to step outside of our usual comfort zone and maybe even that of our society. Susan told me:
My entire world flipped upside down when my husband died. Where there were once two parents to take on the tasks of child rearing, now there was one. Where there were once two professionals to take on the tasks of providing a family income, now there was one. Where there were once two adults to run a household—cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, doing the taxes, shuffling children, grocery shopping—now there was one. It was impossible to do everything myself. So, I asked for help. I delegated responsibilities. I gathered a posse of people to assist me with everything. And people came (and stayed) because they wanted to help. It seems that culturally, most Western countries believe that adults should be independent at all costs. But I completely threw that notion out the window when grief came barreling into my life. I remembered my years of living in Hawaii with my husband—families, friends, coworkers modeling interdependence. I have since integrated that notion into my life, and it’s made all the difference.
Nurture Your Physical Body
Caring for our physical body is often the first thing to go out the window. When we are grieving, it is common to experience a lack of appetite, lethargy, sleeplessness. Being proactive about your health during this time is vital. Healthy foods, exercise, and rest will greatly reduce your stress and anxiety levels.
“Exercise was a major healing component for me,” Susan told me. “I exercised six to seven times a week while grieving. I walked, hiked, swam, biked, Rollerbladed, kayaked, paddled… all while crying. Since I had always exercised, it was the only thing that still felt ‘normal.’ Plus, I knew I needed the endorphins to combat anxiety and depression symptoms.”
Seek Positives
When we are grieving, there is the tendency to look at the whole world through gloom-colored glasses. In the initial grieving process, or if you have let things stagnate for too long, we can become mired in seeing negativity everywhere.
For years, I could look at my life only through the lens of having lost my parents. I saw only what I didn’t have and all the ways in which my life was ruined as a result of their deaths. Finally, I began to actively work to acknowledge the positive aspects of my life, and doing this turned everything around for me.
This isn’t always an easy process—it requires diligence and focus. Sitting down and making gratitude lists, reminding yourself to bask in positive moments and experiences, and remembering that embracing life again doesn’t mean letting go of your loved one.
Distractions
The habit of dwelling on negative thoughts, or what psychologists call rumination, can become exactly that—a habit. Actively working to break this cycle by distracting yourself with positive activities can help break this pattern. Go to the movies, take up gardening or some other hobby, or begin to socialize with people who make you feel comfortable, all of which can have a profound effect on reducing negative cycles of thoughts that cause anxiety.
Tembi claims that she didn’t use a lot of distraction.
I felt strongly that I had to allow for my grief to live openly in its many forms. I had to be willing to get intimate with it, to get to know it. I recognized its magnitude and saw it as a part of my life that wasn’t going anywhere. So, I needed to understand the grieving Me—what I liked, didn’t like, what I needed. So, I also felt that if I distracted myself from this huge event in my life that I would be shutting off a part of emotional life. I would be lost to myself. That doesn’t work as a creative individual. Now, that is not to say that I didn’t have moments of distraction. I took trips; I went to museums, lots of movies; I engaged in things that lifted my spirits. I changed my bedroom. I bought a new wardrobe. I watched a lot of TV. Doing those things distracted me momentarily just enough to offer respite or make feel engaged with life. It was distraction that pulled me toward optimism or the possibility of future joy.
There is a fine line between healthy distractions and negative ones. Take a moment to ask yourself if you think you are using distraction as a way of trying to avoid the grief process or if the activities you are choosing are healthy ones.
Create Rituals
Find ways that feel good to you to bring your loved one into your life. Our inner selves crave connection with our loved ones. Don’t deny this impulse. Create your own ways to continue that bond. Make their favorite meals, light a candle every night, tell stories about them, start a project in their honor, or find a way to be of service for a cause that they cared about.
Connect with Others
Sometimes being around people can be difficult after a major loss. Finding the right people to share company with can make all the difference. Take a look at the people in your life and put distance between yourself and anyone who makes you uncomfortable right now.
Also, seek out people who understand what you’re going through. Join a support group, or reach out to a friend who is also familiar with loss. Finding ways to feel a little less alone in your grief will be incredibly soothing.
Make Meaning
Finding ways to make meaning of the loss is invaluable to your sense of peace. This doesn’t mean making sense of why that person died now but rather finding ways to make their loss and your grief meaningful.
Did your loved one have a cause they were passionate about? Continue the work in their honor. Has your pain made you more compassionate? Find ways to use that in ways to help others.
Accept the Loss
A lot of resilience work involves truly accepting the loss. For many of us, this means simply facing our grief, opening ourselves up to the changes in our world, and working to genuinely step into the pain as a way of moving through it. This can feel incredibly frightening, but doing this work is never as scary as we think it’s going to be.
Also, remember that this acceptance has a long arc. You will come to many different points of acceptance throughout your grief experience. It is not something you need to feel daunted by, as some of it does come naturally and in time.
DESIGNING YOUR OWN RESILIENCE PLAN
Begin by making a complete list of everything you need help with, including little things.
Share your list with a friend or family member and ask them for support.
Pinpoint any areas that you feel particular pain or fear around, and then examine why and find ways to work through these areas.
Share your list with your therapist or grief group and ask for support.
Take a look at the truth of your financial situation and see a financial adviser or ask advice from a family member or friend.
Make a list of things in your life that are taking up unnecessary energy or time and begin to make changes to decrease these stressors.
Take up new hobbies or activities that bring you pleasure and joy.
Maintain or increase your physical activity.
Actively seek out people who bolster your life in positive ways.
Continue to check in on this list as you make new changes in your life, checking things off and adding new ones as they arise.
Consult with others before making big changes like moving or changing jobs. These impulses often come up in the wake of loss, but be sure you are ready.
CHOOSING RESILIENCE
It is only natural that your life changes dramatically after the loss of a loved one. As many different theories about grief advise, accepting these changes and beginning to create a new life are part of the grieving process. Please go easy on yourself as you do this work. Remember that it takes time and does not have to be done all at once.
I also want to caution you not to use these techniques as a way of avoidi
ng your intense grief emotions. You can and should do both at once. Allow space for sadness and anger, while at the same time making efforts to rebuild.
Remember that feeling overwhelmed by these big changes in your life is completely normal, but if you do not work to accept them and rebuild your foundation, you can experience more stress and anxiety as a result. Recognize that it is difficult to face these changes alone. Seek out support, and create a new network of supportive people who can help assist you in moving forward. Your life may never look the way it did before you lost your loved one, but it can become stable again.
A NXIETY C HECK-I N
Let’s check in with your level of anxiety. In the last chapter, we learned about all the different ways your life can seemingly fall apart after a major loss but also about how there are very real ways you can get things back to normal and under control. Finding ways to be resilient during the grief process is an important part of reducing anxiety.
Rate your current anxiety level on a scale of 1–10 (with 10 being the highest).
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Check the symptom boxes that currently apply:
Panic attacks
Insomnia
Nausea
Dizziness
Heart racing/palpitating
Anxiety- The Missing Stage of Grief Page 11