All Your Fears

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All Your Fears Page 11

by Peter Hodgson


  ‘If God exists, why do we have all these wars and murders?’

  ‘We are not robots, Kayla. We make our own decisions. If we couldn’t choose, we wouldn’t have faces; we wouldn’t be human.’

  ‘If you ask me, we’re all robots in one way or another.’

  She turned around, inadvertently knocked a book off the desk and spotted his photographs of the Old Town. One of them stood out from the rest. ‘Why have you drawn an arrow pointing to this woman?’

  ‘The reason wouldn’t be of any interest to you.’

  ‘And you’ve scribbled a few sentences on this one. Who’s Kim?’

  ‘A young woman I’m acquainted with. She’s experiencing difficulties.’

  ‘Not one of your students, I hope. How old is she?’

  ‘She’s in her twenties. She isn’t responding to my calls,’ he said, a note of despair in his voice. ‘I’ve not heard from her for days.’

  ‘Are you more than just friends?’

  His silence gave the answer.

  ‘Good for you, dad. I won’t ask any more questions. Don’t want to pry. Enjoy your cigars … See you again.’

  He followed her outside. His air despondency aroused her sympathy. ‘You should go and see her. Don’t sit around moping. She might be pining for you.’ She kissed his cheek and walked off. He waved, hoped to see her soon, but wasn’t depending on it.

  Her visit lightened his heart. Her words obliterated his indecision. He jumped into the car, drove to Redburn Close in the dwindling light. Doubt plagued him. Why hadn’t Kim contacted him? Was she ill, or been injured?

  He found the house to be in darkness. He walked the driveway, looked up to the bedroom, listened for any sounds. He vigorously hit the door knocker. Smarty made his warning call. No response from Kim. He knocked again. Nothing. Was she asleep? Had she gone out? If so, where?

  He saw a thin line of light between the curtains of Stuart’s house. He strode to the door, rang the bell. No response. ‘What is going on round here?’ he muttered. He shot glances up and down a deserted road, went back the car and drove home to a night of lonely contemplation.

  ***

  The White Swan Hotel hadn’t changed much since the last time he was there celebrating a colleague’s birthday. The photos on the walls were the same ones, as was the faded Finsbury Park floral carpet. An attractive barmaid served Jay a pint of beer. He told her to keep the change and asked to see the manager. She politely suggested he should come back later or take a seat and wait. One pint later, Andy Sachs breezed into the room, sleeves rolled up, looking stressed. The barmaid caught his attention and sent him to see Jay.

  ‘How can I help you?’

  ‘I’m enquiring about Kim Robins. Have you seen her recently?’

  ‘She was here on Tuesday.’

  ‘No sign of her since then?’

  ‘No, and we’re not having her back.’

  ‘Why not?’

  Andy looked over his shoulder, checked nobody was within hearing distance. ‘Who are you?’

  ‘Jay Yeldon. I’m a friend of hers. I haven’t seen or spoken to her for over a week. I’m worried.’

  ‘There hasn’t been a major upset as such. She came in on Tuesday, didn’t do much work. She was seen leaving with another woman. Apparently, she looked distressed. I had spoken to her earlier.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘She was pacing one of the corridors on the second floor. I had to tell her to complete her jobs. She hadn’t cleaned and tidied one of the rooms. She was acting strangely.’

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘I couldn’t make sense of what she was saying. She asked me what I was doing there. She said she had to go back to the cottage, the one with the broken stairs. I asked her to explain. She refused.’

  The barmaid called out to Andy, said his wife wanted to speak to him. He moaned to himself and said he’d be with her shortly.

  ‘How would you describe her capability when she started working here?’ Jay asked.

  ‘She was a good worker, thorough and punctual … Thinking back, she was prudish, until recently. I was shocked at what she said to me.’

  ‘A sexual advance?’

  ‘I can’t tell you. I didn’t mention it to my wife or Kim would have been dismissed on the spot.’

  ‘Anything else?’

  ‘She was down in the laundry room one day, rubbing her ankle with a cloth, trying to erase a mark. I haven’t a clue what it was.’

  Jay’s memory spiralled back to the evening they first met. She’d stopped him from examining her ankle. The girl with the dragon tattoo. What was its significance?

  Andy groaned and stood up. ‘I have some money for Kim. Would you pass it on for me?’

  ‘You had better keep it for the time being. Thanks for talking to me.’

  Jay walked away, leaving henpecked Andy to deal with his irate wife.

  In the evening, he pored over school essays and projects, but couldn’t stop his mind wandering to a time that was free from mental disruption, a time when Kayla was living a ‘clean’ life. He doubted she had kicked the drug habit.

  To make matters worse, an impromptu reunion with an old friend set the stage for a bizarre venture. A night of good cheer, absorbing conversation. A different time and location would have secured the normality he was used to. A journey home along Parson Lane had initiated a life changing sequence of events. Kim’s problems haunted him. He acknowledged her loneliness and struggle for a better existence.

  Fate was unstoppable. Unpredictable. He had been given a part on life’s stage and couldn’t take his final bow until the last words were spoken.

  He closed his books, felt his empty stomach talking to him. An hour later saw him in the supermarket. He stocked up on the essentials, all the while looking down the aisles in the vain hope Kim was there too. Back home he filled the cupboards and fridge with a week’s worth of food. He paced up and down, unable to relax with a book, watch a film, or arrange to meet a friend in one of the town’s pubs.

  He rang her number. No answer. Time for action.

  ***

  Stuart stood back and admired his Ford Focus. All clean and shiny, wheels polished to perfection. He ran the microfibre cloth over the windows. The finishing touch.

  ‘You’ve done a thorough job,’ Jay said.

  ‘I didn’t even hear you pull up. You’re Kim’s friend?’

  ‘Yes. Jay Yeldon’s the name.’

  ‘Of course, we met at my wife’s birthday bash. Come inside.’

  Stuart washed his hands and offered Jay some refreshment. ‘No, thanks. I hope you don’t mind me coming to see you –’

  ‘You want to know where Kim is?’

  ‘I went to see her yesterday. She wasn’t at home. She’s not answering my calls.’

  ‘As far as we can tell, she’s been at home all week. Lauren has seen her. We don’t know if she’s physically ill or suffering from anxiety. She’s in a state of withdrawal and won’t tell us why.’

  Stuart repeated most of the conversation he’d had with her during the drive to the hotel. He didn’t mention her request for a proper kiss one day.

  ‘How unusual. Has she been asking about me?’

  ‘I don’t think so. Lauren would have told me.’

  ‘So, she’s willing to let Lauren see her?’

  ‘Sometimes. We have a spare key in case she forgets it when she goes out. We’ve had to use it once or twice.’

  ‘Can I borrow it, please?’

  Stuart considered. ‘Try knocking first. Use the key if you have to.’

  ‘Will you ask Lauren if she will come with me?’

  ‘She’s gone out.’

  ‘I see. I hope Kim’s not seriously ill.’

  Jay’s hard raps on the door alerted Smarty. He waited a while and inserted the key. Smarty greeted him and followed him inside. Jay went into the living room, saw she wasn’t there. His attention was drawn to the coffee table, cluttered with empty glasses, crisp pack
ets, toffee wrappers and diaries. He climbed the stairs, three steps at a time and stood outside her bedroom. ‘Kim, are you in there?’

  Smarty pawed at the door. Jay prepared himself and pushed it open. Kim was propped up on pillows, ashen-faced and haggard.

  ‘Why have you not been in touch?’ he said.

  ‘I’m going to be fine, Jay. You’ve been here with me …’

  ‘In spirit, you mean. I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to see you.’ He felt her vest top and shook his head. ‘You’re soaking wet. You could have caught a virus.’

  ‘I don’t catch viruses. I’m burning up because the house is haunted. I’ve seen the ghost of my mother.’

  He laid his hand on her forehead. ‘You don’t appear to have a temperature. Are you in any pain?’

  ‘No pain.’

  ‘Can you stand up?’

  ‘I don’t know. Smarty needs to be fed.’ She took off her thin vest and thrust her breasts forward. ‘Look, I’m all in one piece.’

  ‘I can see you’re all in one piece. You’ve lost some weight. You should have a shower and a bite to eat.’

  ‘Yes, Jay. I’ll do as you as you say. You have saved me again.’

  ‘I’ll get you some grub.’

  He gave her a delicate kiss on the lips. She flung out her arms. ‘Kiss me again, Jay.’

  He pressed his lips against hers, looked into her tired eyes. She pulled her head back and said, ‘Am I dreaming this?’

  ‘I know I’m not.’

  ‘You must be real then … Go and feed Smarty. He’s hungry.’

  He shoved a pizza in the oven and brewed up. He fed Smarty, sat in the living. Judging by the sounds coming from above, Kim had risen and turned the shower on. He swept cigarette ash and toffee wrappers off the coffee table and stacked the empty glasses. The diaries on the table offered a peek into Kim’s life. Without any qualm, he picked one up, opened it randomly. The page was crammed with writing: Voices in the street. The bastards are back again, shouting names and swearing. I can’t take it any longer … He lifted another diary, thumbed the pages, read another entry: He came home late again. Traces of mud on the carpet. Detectives questioned everyone on mum’s street. They’re everywhere. I’m suspicious. Can’t confront him or he’ll kill me. Don’t know what to do …

  Kim was coming down the stairs. He quickly arranged the diaries as they were before.

  His features darkened.

  What secret was she hiding from him?

  Chapter Sixteen

  Jay groaned, rolled over and grabbed the phone.

  ‘When are you on leave from school? You can’t leave me here like this on my own.’

  Kim was speaking faster than normal, tetchiness riding high.

  ‘It’s half past eight. I’m in bed. I have a lie-in on Sundays.’

  ‘It’s all right for some. I appreciate what you’ve done for me. Truth is, I’m missing you. I’d feel much safer with you beside me.’

  ‘I can’t stay with you all the time. I have work to do, work that takes hours to complete.’

  ‘Are you listening?’ she said angrily. ‘I’m not saying you should stay with me all the time.’

  ‘Kim, you’d better calm down or I won’t come and see you at all.’

  ‘Sorry. I’m uptight, have been all week. I can’t help it.’

  ‘You need a tablet to calm you down.’

  ‘I don’t need to be on medication. I’ve been taking capsules for ages.’

  ‘What capsules?’

  ‘Leso capsules, if you must know. I buy them at the health store. They’re good for your complexion and stress levels and stop you from being tired.’

  ‘I was only asking … Okay, I’ll come and keep you company. I’ll try to spend more time with you when the school holidays begin.’

  ‘You will see me during the holidays. When you rescued me and Smarty you took us home and said it was your moral duty to assist me. Remember?’

  ‘I don’t recall. I’ll ring you back soon.’

  ‘Promise you will. I’m lonely here. I feel threatened.’

  ‘I promise.’

  Jay heaved himself out of bed. He washed, got dressed and checked his phone. Three messages via the school’s email pinged up, requests from students asking for additional guidance with their studies. A fourth message gave him an emotional jolt. Kayla wanted to stay with him for a few days. She didn’t say why. He surmised she had no money to spend, nowhere to live. He swore under his breath. He had other plans, couldn’t refuse Kayla for fear of upsetting her and causing a ruckus.

  He ate breakfast and contacted Kim.

  ‘You kept to your word. I’m a lot calmer now.’

  ‘Good … Kim, I want you to see a doctor. You need help, more than I can give you.’

  ‘I can’t see a doctor … You don’t understand … What I mean is …’

  ‘What has happened to make you afraid?’

  ‘What a stupid question. Do I have to tell you again? The car incident, the weird blonde woman, Smarty was stolen …’

  ‘You haven’t told me everything.’

  ‘Why should I hold anything back from you? Look, Jay, if you really want me to see a doctor, I will.’

  ‘Make sure you do. You can come and stay with me for a few days.’

  ‘I can’t leave Smarty on his own.’

  ‘Bring him with you. Give me the name of your surgery. I will ring and make an appointment for you.’

  ‘If it makes you happy …’

  She rummaged inside the cupboard, snatched letters and junk mail, tossed them onto the floor. ‘Hang on a minute … Here it is.’ She gave him the name and number of the surgery.

  ‘What took you so long, Kim?’

  ‘I wasn’t sure of the name. I had to look for a letter they sent me a while back. I want you to take me to the hotel first to pick up some money they owe me.’

  ‘I see … Pack your essentials and whatever you need for Smarty. Tell Lauren you are staying with me for a while. I’ll pick you up in an hour. Bye for now.’

  She rushed upstairs, sat at the dressing table. She looked in the mirror, grimaced at her messy hair and pallid skin. She brushed her hair and fumbled in the drawer for the lipstick. ‘He can’t see me looking like this,’ she thought. ‘He loves me. He’s clever. He will discover the truth if I’m not careful. I will let him take me if he wants to. It was meant to be.’

  She applied lipstick with a shaky hand and created a mess. She vigorously rubbed her mouth with the back of her hand, and shouted, ‘Fuckin’ hell.’

  ***

  ‘Incredible,’ Denise said, her voice stretched with disbelief. ‘She’s come back for her first week’s wages? The cheek of it.’

  ‘I’m only passing the message on,’ the cleaner said, and breezed off.

  Denise rushed into the barroom. Her frightful expression wiped the friendly smile off Jay’s face. ‘I’ve spoken to Mr Sachs concerning Kim’s wages.’

  ‘Can’t she speak for herself?’

  Denise marched to the public side of the bar, hands on hips. Kim stood beside Jay, held his hand tightly. ‘Denise, you owe me some money for my first week working here.’

  ‘First week working here?’ Denise repeated, with a scowl that could frighten a police horse. A group of well-dressed customers moved away from the trio, their auditory radar at the ready. ‘I haven’t the time or patience to speak to you.’

  Kim moved closer to her. ‘Are you not going to pay me? You owe me some money, regardless of my incompetence.’

  ‘Oh, you will be paid, young lady. Go and see my husband.’ She stepped into Jay’s personal space. ‘And who are you?’

  ‘I’m looking after Kim. She’s been unwell of late.’

  ‘I see you’re holding hands. You obviously have affection for each other … Have you any idea what she’s like, this little slut?’

  Kim gasped. Jay threw her a sideways glance. ‘I’ve no idea what you are referring to,’ he said, his face et
ched with disdain. ‘Tell us where we can find your husband, and we’ll be on our way.’

  ‘Before you go looking for him, let me tell you how difficult it’s been trying to find a reliable cleaner.’

  ‘I’m not interested. There’s a reason for everything. An explanation for Kim’s conduct would do nothing to make you alter your opinion.’

  ‘And what kind of explanation can there be for her offering my husband a blow job?’

  ‘Not true,’ Kim blurted, regret clogging her throat.

  Denise sneered. ‘Take the lift down the corridor over there. My husband is on the top floor. He’ll give you the money. Good riddance to you both.’

  Jay dragged Kim away by the hand. Bemused customers laughed amongst themselves.

  ‘What an embarrassing conversation,’ he said, his temper rising. ‘You must think I’m a complete fool.’

  She blinked tears from her eyes. ‘I never offered him a blow job. She’s lying. She’s jealous of me. It’s true, my work has been slacking. How can I concentrate when I’m under so much pressure? You have to help me, Jay. Don’t give up on me.’

  ‘I am helping you. You’re lucky I don’t throw you in the gutter. Let’s find Sachs. The sooner we’re away from here, the better.’

  The lift doors slid open. Jay’s temper fizzed. He turned around and grimaced at her. ‘Get in, will you?’

  Kim moved away from him, her nerves quivering on the back of her neck like ants crawling beneath her skin. ‘I can’t. I go all nervous inside a lift.’ She visualised a knife gleaming in the woman’s hand, the downward turn of red lips, the blonde hair and sunglasses.

  ‘For goodness’ sake, Kim. Show me where the stairs are, then.’

  ‘No. I’m not going to the top floor.’

  ‘You want your money, don’t you?’

  ‘I had a terrible experience up there.’

  ‘You are pissing me off with all this carry-on.’

  ‘Don’t be mad at me. I’m not taking the risk. I’m scared something might happen again.’ She embraced him, rested her head on his chest. His anger melted away.

  Ten minutes later, they walked back to the car. Kim’s hand was inside her pocket, clasping one hundred and ten pounds as if it were gold.

 

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