I gaped at him like an idiot. “You still want to go on a date? After I beat you up?”
Ian smirked. “You didn’t beat me up. I ran my face into your elbow.”
“Same thing.”
“Not really, no.”
“But I—”
“It wasn’t your fault, Vanessa.” I gaped at him. Of course, it was my fault. That was my elbow. “The entire situation was my fault.”
“I—”
“I promise to plan things better next time.”
My greedy little heart leapt. Next time. He still wanted to see me. Even after I sucker punched him.
The ever-present cynical side of my personality still doubted him. He just hasn’t slept with you yet, it reminded me. As soon as he does, he’ll lose interest.
I couldn’t make myself say no to Ian, even for self-preservation purposes. I just couldn’t. He radiated all kinds of bad-boy vibes and potential heartbreak, and although he might be sober these days, I knew he had a terrible past. But at the moment, with him looking at me hopefully and a throng of screaming fangirls outside who’d trade their left arm for an ounce of his attention, I wasn’t able to resist.
“Okay. But if one of us is physically maimed this time, we have to take it as a sign.” I smiled at him, and he smiled back.
“I don’t believe in signs. But I do believe in taking practical precautions. That’s why our next date will not involve hot beverages. It will involve helmets, knee, and elbow pads.”
I blinked at him. “Huh?”
He grinned. “Do you like roller skating?”
I fucking loved roller skating. I bit my lip. Maybe if it had been something else I could have resisted. But not roller skating.
“Okay, but only if you let me work now. I need this job.”
11
Ian
“The cute redhead from the other night, right? The one who filmed us?” Jack was interrogating Jason when I rolled into the green room on a post-Vanessa-date-acceptance high. My excitement drained out of me as I read the vibe in the room. All three of my bandmates were staring at me. I resisted the urge to turn around and exit the room with my tail between my legs.
Jason nodded as he locked eyes with me. “Yep,” he told Jack. “Right in the nose. Blood everywhere. Baby’s screaming. He and the girl are half-naked on the couch. I’m trying not to hurl. It was something that could only happen to Ian.”
Everyone laughed at me.
Great.
Jason told the band and now it was open season on Ian.
“I heard your babysitting gig didn’t work out so good,” Tom said from across the room. He was grinning at me.
“I didn’t lose the kid this time,” I replied defensively, thinking that there had to be a place other than this that I could hang out until the show started. There was no way I wanted to spend the next hour being mercilessly teased. Even if I did kind of deserve it. I still had some self-respect. Not a lot. But some.
“She’s here, isn’t she?” Jack asked me. “Don said he was going to hire her again.”
I nodded. “Yeah, she’s here. None of you better give her any shit,” I threatened. “Tease me all you want but leave her alone.”
The three of them all made ‘innocent’ faces.
Jason rolled his eyes. “Why would we tease her when we can tease you? She’s not even the idiot in this situation.”
“Thanks.”
“Besides, she made us all look really good in the video the other night. You, meanwhile, screwed up on your solo on the last song,” Tom added.
Rude. That wasn’t even true. I frowned. “I did not.”
“So, did you go apologize to her and beg for mercy?” Jason asked.
I nodded. No reason to lie. “That’s exactly what I did.” I’d gotten pretty good at apologizing over the course of my twelve-step program. I’d venture I was better now at apologizing than all the other men in the room combined. Unfortunately, I also had more to apologize for than they did.
Jason made an approving face. “Did it work?”
“She agreed to go out with me again.” I could hear the note of pride in my voice. “So, yes, I think it did.”
Tom raised an eyebrow. “Is there a chance she actually likes you?”
I frowned at him. “Unbelievable, I know.”
Tom was the member of the band I knew the least well. Jack, Jason, and I were all original members, having formed Axial Tilt in Dallas’ grimy Deep Ellum district more than a decade ago. Tom, however, was hired to replace Jen, our original bassist. Jen was dead. It was my fault. I got fired and Tom got hired at the same time. We mostly didn’t talk about it.
Anyway, I didn’t know Tom very well. At the moment, I wasn’t sure I particularly liked him. “Hey, you never know how things will turn out,” Tom told me. “I ran over my now-wife’s cat by accident on our third date. Killed it instantly, and man did she love that cat. It should have been an absolute deal killer. But she kept seeing me. So maybe this one will be the one.”
I blinked. Maybe he wasn’t so bad.
“Thanks, man.”
Across the room, Jason chuckled. “Wait. Wait a minute. You literally slayed your wife’s pussy?”
“Yes,” Tom said with mock-seriousness. “I totally destroyed that pussy.”
The three of us laughed like we were eighteen-year-olds playing with instruments in a garage again. A bunch of rowdy boys laughing about dead cats and other sick things. Sometimes the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. It was nice to have this feeling back in my life.
The truth was that things would never be the same without Jen in the band, but I was beginning to feel like we were all friends again. After years of that very much not being the case, it was a nice change. In fact, it was my life’s one great dream.
After everything I’d done, I never thought it would be possible to repair my relationship with Axial Tilt and rejoin the band. Jack and I stayed in contact over the years, mostly because he was just too damn genuinely nice to cut ties with me completely. By the time I hit rock bottom, I’d pretty much made every friend I ever had hate me, other than my brother, Ryan. Jason hadn’t spoken to me in years.
But I underestimated my friends, especially Jason. When I finally got my shit together and was willing to admit I needed help, they were there to support me. I never needed to be alone. I never would have survived my recovery or stayed sober without the dream of Axial Tilt.
People say that the only way to recover from addiction is to do it for yourself. In my case that was only partially true. I did make the decision to seek help because my life was down-spiraling into disaster, yes, but I also did it because I felt like I’d let my life’s greatest opportunity, Axial Tilt, pass me by. I never even got to tour with the band. We’d only recorded one album when I got fired. We’d been right on the cusp of stardom when I’d fucked everything up. Then I spent the next decade looking for salvation in the bottom of a glass. Unsuccessfully.
That night when we went out on stage, I felt like the stars were aligning. I couldn’t see Vanessa anywhere, but I knew she was out there. Somewhere, either above me or maybe down in the crowd, she and her camera were watching me. Soon, I’d have a chance to see her again.
I didn’t know what the future would hold, but the more time I spent with Vanessa, the more I wanted. Being smacked in the face last night had not been fun, but it had made me realize that a quick and easy hookup was not what I wanted. If Vanessa had been anyone else, she’d be the last person I’d ever want to see again after last night. But she wasn’t anyone else. She was Vanessa. And the thought of never seeing her again made me feel a thousand times worse than being smacked in the face.
I didn’t know anything about relationships. I’d never had one. Literally. All my affairs with women were just that, affairs. I guess I dated a girl in high school, but that hardly counted. In my entire adult life, I’d never managed to keep a woman’s interest for long enough to really qualify as a relation
ship. Being a raging alcoholic with PTSD and a massive guilt complex will do that.
The last thing that had been even close to a relationship had been with a woman who fundamentally didn’t believe in them, and seemingly delighted in breaking hearts. We hadn’t been a good match romantically.
Her name was Victoria, and she definitely had her issues. She dated Jason and cheated on him before he got with his now-wife. But not before she dated my friend Lucas and cheated on him, too. I knew she was a cheater when I met her. It was all very fucked up. It was about what I deserved.
Still, I could say honestly that I’d never cheated on anyone or helped them cheat. That I knew of. Since being blackout drunk occupied a lot of my time for a few years, there was a possibility I was wrong. But I’d never intentionally cheated.
I actually had great respect for people who managed to make the long-term thing work, since I had such a gaping hole in my own capabilities. My brother, Ryan, had been dating a girl named Rosie for a while and although she was just barely north of being too young for him, they made each other happy. Ryan and I had very different personalities, and lord knows we butted heads frequently enough, but he was still my best friend and seeing him so happy made me happy.
But now, for the first time in my adult life, I’d met someone that I could see myself trying for more with. I didn’t know if Vanessa felt the same way about me. She might be horrified at the prospect. I knew I was a project for a woman. A fixer upper. But for the first time, I hoped that someone would see potential in me. I might have dated wood paneling, asbestos, and copper wiring, but I liked to think I had good bones.
It had taken me years of rehab to admit to myself that I was worthy of having good things in my life. That was hard enough. Now I worried that convincing someone else would be even harder.
12
Vanessa
“You can still go back to school,” my dad told me when we talked on the phone that afternoon. “I can’t afford to send you, but you can get loans. You don’t have to videotape rock and roll concerts.”
“I want to do this,” I’d explained as gently as I could. “I like it.”
“You like carting a camera around and doing manual labor?”
“I don’t think it quite qualifies as manual labor.”
“Fine. Skilled labor.” My dad is from Scotland and is built like a ginger lumberjack. The force of his disapproval could make weaker men wet themselves from fear. As his daughter, I was mostly immune, but I didn’t like seeing him disappointed in me.
“It’s creative,” I told him. “I get to make something from nothing.”
“Aren’t you just literally pointing a camera at a guy and pressing ‘record’?”
I cringed. “For now. But I’ll move up. I’ll get more creative control. And I’ll build my freelance work until I don’t have to work for anyone I don’t want to work for. I’ll pick projects that interest me.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to get an engineering job? I might be retired, but I still have plenty of connections. I could get you a job somewhere. It might not be a dream job, but it would be stable.”
“This is what I want to do, dad,” I told him. The confidence came from nowhere, but it was real. I needed something that would be mine. That would make me feel like I was in control of my life again. After so many months and months of recovering from my accident, having agency and control again was everything. Even if I was going to fail, it was going to be on my terms.
I spent the concert on the catwalk above the stage. If I kept at this concert-filming thing for any length of time I’d need to get an assistant to help me film, but being above the band during the show was hands down the most unique way to attend a rock concert I could imagine.
I found myself spending far too much time with my camera focused on Ian’s face. Even with the slightly swollen nose and small amount of bruising near his eyes, he drew all my focus. I had to remind myself that I was filming four members of Axial Tilt, not just Ian.
Jason was a hell of a front man. He kept the fans energized and enraptured without even trying. It was obvious that this was all just easy for him. I was no shy, retiring violet, but the idea of getting up in front of a giant crowd and entertaining them nonstop for hours just seemed impossible. But he did it all with a genuine warmth and affability that made it seem effortless.
Tom and Jack were perfect supporting actors. They were both also insanely talented musicians. When they got the opportunity to take center stage, they did so reluctantly but to rapturous applause. There were definitely fans out there who came there for them.
All four members of the band sang, but it was Ian who did most of the supporting vocal work. He had a beautiful, smooth tenor voice, and it blended wonderfully with Jason’s low baritone. The fact that he could sing and play the drums at the same time was magical to me. But he did it. And when he did, the girls in the crowd went absolutely wild and I was right there with them.
Halfway through the show, I realized that the footage from this concert was going to be amazing. I was utilizing some techniques that weren’t common in concert videos, including tilt shots accomplished from my position up overhead. I could see the footage coming together in my mind’s eye, working in shots from the three stationary cameras I had set up stage left, right, and center. For the first time in my own creative career, I could see the finished product coming together and knew that it was going to be good.
Working as an EMT had never been my dream. It had been Sam’s dream, and because I loved him, I loved it. Obviously, everything changed after the accident and his death, but one of the little side effects was that I found myself without a passion for my work. In fact, I had a phobia of it. Being within an ambulance now created a deep and uncontrollable reaction in me. It wouldn’t be safe or healthy to continue on as an EMT.
At first, I thought about getting a job that used my degree. I’d gone to school for electrical engineering. I’d done okay in school, but the truth was that I didn’t enjoy my major. I’d only focused in that because it was practical and my father had really, really wanted me to follow in his footsteps. I’d met Sam halfway through my freshman year of college and quickly fallen head over heels in love with him. I’d traded one man’s dream for me in favor of another man’s dream for me. Neither one was the dream I had for myself. And although it sounded pathetic, I didn’t have any dreams of my own.
Now, however, I had found something I did have a passion for. I’d always loved film and had been a huge AV club nerd in high school. I’d never considered it a potential career, but now, overnight almost, it seemed like I might be able to actually make a go of it. The idea of having a creative career was as exciting as it was terrifying.
Looking down at the concert, I wondered if this is what it would feel like to succeed on my own terms. It felt pretty amazing.
Just then, my foot slipped and when I reached out to steady myself on the catwalk, my weaker left arm spasmed and I almost fell. I was right above Ian at the time, so falling would probably kill us both. That would be a hell of a way to go.
Maybe I shouldn’t focus on success yet. I probably shouldn’t plan my wedding to Ian, either. Maybe I should just get through the next five minutes.
13
Ian
“Sorry, we’re all out of sevens,” the roller rink clerk told Vanessa. Her voice was apologetic. “We have a lot of birthdays today. Do you want to go up a size or down a half-size?”
Vanessa frowned. “Up?”
“Good choice,” the teenager said, turning around to look for the skates.
Vanessa and I exchanged a look.
“Don’t worry,” I told her, “no one is going to get hurt tonight.”
Something flashed behind Vanessa’s blue eyes, deep and worrying but gone in an instant. Her smile returned. “Well, you certainly came prepared.”
I hadn’t been kidding about the protective equipment. I’d come supplied with knee pads, elbow pads, and helmets.
“Safety first,” I said, grabbing our skates and leading Vanessa away from the desk.
The profusion of padding was as much for my dignity as our safety. Although I was convinced that this would be a good date idea (Caroline might have assisted me in selecting it), I didn’t know how well I could actually skate. Looking out at the roller rink full of kids, it actually didn’t look too hard. I mean, they were doing it.
Vanessa pulled on her skates enthusiastically and was drawing me forward onto the rink before I had enough time to really think about it.
“So,” Vanessa asked, “what did you do today?”
And… I fell down. Thank God for knee pads.
Vanessa paused and then skated backward to meet me. From my position on the ground with children rushing around me, I had a bad feeling I was seriously outclassed. We should have gotten coffee. In hindsight, I was relatively confident in my ability to drink coffee safely. I had years of experience drinking hot beverages. Skating? Not so much.
“You okay?” Vanessa asked. She looked confused, which was understandable because this had been all my idea.
“I don’t know how to roller skate,” I admitted. Her eyes widened.
“I’ll teach you,” she insisted, helping me get back up. “It’s easy.”
And she tried. She really did.
For the next thirty minutes or so, I clumsily dragged myself around the rink, mostly clutching the rail on the side. I was improving… slightly. The good news was that Vanessa was holding my other hand and we were talking. And absolutely no one was getting elbowed in the face.
“It would actually be easier if you let go of the rail,” she suggested gently, and I shook my head.
“Not yet.” I laughed. “I’m still working on my balance.”
It was honestly harder to balance because of the company. Vanessa could quite literally skate circles around me. Easily. It was embarrassing. And hot. Very, very hot. She really seemed to know her way around a roller rink. She was gorgeous.
This One’s For You Page 6