He could not bear to see Caroline making herself into less than she was. He knew that she saw herself far beneath her company, and he would have moved heaven and earth to change that for her. Couldn’t she see that her birth and where her fortune came from made absolutely no difference to him? He wasn’t naive enough to think everyone felt the same way, and he could even say that he almost understood why members of society avoided her in social gatherings.
He didn’t agree with them, but he understood.
And now he was in a carriage rattling along with Sheffield and Gates, headed for a house party in the country in the middle of the Season. He couldn’t begin to understand how Sheffield managed to get them all invitations when only Lady Ashby and her companion had been invited, but he would be eternally grateful.
The whole party had been invited, which Miss Sheffield was mildly irritated by, it seemed. She could not bear the thought of being away from the bustle of the true London Season, and the only reason she was attending was the chance that there might be some opportunities for good connections for her there. If she had wanted to rusticate in the country, she declared, she would have stayed in Yorkshire. Miss Smythe and Miss Fairchild agreed but came along for support. Jacobs and Rhoades loved the idea of country pursuits and country misses, so they needed little encouragement.
Will was likely the only one positively thrilled by this venture.
The Mayfields had decided that their daughter would be more comfortable in a less intimidating setting in society, so their cousins, Lord and Lady Mayfield, had opened up their sprawling Richmond estate just outside of London. It was, they declared, in close enough proximity to London that anyone wishing to make the journey back for events would be able to do so, but far enough removed that those wishing for more solitude would have it.
Solitude and the country, and Caroline Perkins.
He needed nothing else.
If only he could get her to see herself as he did.
But that, he feared, would take a lifetime of effort. One that he was more than willing to offer her.
If he thought she would accept, he would have offered.
Not yet. She needed time, and he had time to give. He could convince her of his sincerity and her worth. Gentleman or no gentleman, he knew he had that ability. Caroline would not be won over by charm, by fortune, or by anything else that he had learned to expect from a young woman.
That alone gave him hope.
He could be the man that she wanted for her future, if she would let him.
“You’re far away,” Sheffield murmured as he roused himself from his dozing against the carriage wall.
Will smiled to himself. “I am in the past, the present, and the future, I think. All three, but it makes my head pain something fierce.”
“Sounds intense in my mind.” Sheffield adjusted his position and eyed him carefully. “You weren’t particularly in the mood to share earlier, has that changed?”
“I’m not entirely sure.” Will made a face. “You’ll likely think I’m as mad as you did when I said I wanted to be less of a gentleman.”
Sheffield nodded once. “More than likely. Well, then I’ll confide in you and see what you think.”
Oh good. Will restrained a not-quite irritated sigh, rather wishing for his solitude back.
“I find myself in a bit of a predicament,” Sheffield informed him in a calm, unaffected voice. “One that could have drastic repercussions for my life.”
“Sounds uncomfortable,” Will replied, feeling that absent replies on his part might give the impression that he was actually listening and engaged in this conversation.
“It is, to be sure.” Sheffield gazed out of the window as they rolled towards Richmond. “You see, I have found myself drawn more and more to a young woman of my acquaintance. She is loveliness itself, defies anything I ever thought I would find in my life, and I think nothing would make me happier than to have her as my wife.”
Slowly Will felt his heart pounding its way down to the pit of his stomach. He blinked at his friend, who was not giving him any consideration at all for the moment. “So… will you offer for her?” he barely forced out.
Sheffield shook his head, his attention still on the window. “Not yet. There are too many obstacles to consider, and I must work them all out in my mind.”
He had never heard of Sheffield having particular affection for any woman, let alone one with obstacles. It did not take him long to draw up a list of potential candidates for Sheffield’s affections, and he needed to narrow it down.
For his own sanity.
“What obstacles?” Will asked his friend, keeping his tone careful and bored. “You’re a decently wealthy man from a respectable family, and you have some manners, when you choose to employ them.”
That earned Will a mocking look, and Sheffield laughed once. “The usual obstacles for a man in my situation. Station, fortune, expectations… I risk losing all that I have to follow my heart in this. I cannot say for certain that my parents will approve. I know Anna will not. And my aunt… I have no way of knowing her thoughts on the matter.”
Worse and worse. Will exhaled slowly, silently. “Then she is not of fortune herself?”
Sheffield shook his head. “Not immediately, no. A great deal of potential, but differences in station and the views of such…” He looked at Will with some evidence of real despair. “I have not your strength of character, Deb. I am not decided on my course, and I fear that makes me unworthy of her.”
“It may,” Will said slowly, hoping he could encourage his friend without actually guiding him down the path he greatly feared Sheffield would go down. “But it is also worth your consideration to take in all aspects of the decision. We cannot pretend that marrying for our hearts does not have its drawbacks.”
“Far easier to have affection and position,” Gates murmured from his position, still acting as though he slept. “If you can manage it.”
Will and Sheffield looked over at him in some amusement, exchanging wry looks with each other as they did so. “And if one cannot?” Sheffield prodded.
Gates shrugged against the carriage wall, never once opening his eyes. “Then one must simply decide if the drawbacks of marrying such a woman are worth the happiness she might provide.”
Trust Gates to be frank about a situation that was not as simple as he made it out to be, and yet strike at the truth of the matter.
Will asked the question he was afraid to. “And if she is?”
Gates opened his eyes at this and looked at Will directly. “Then marry her, of course, and damn the consequences.”
“They will say I am unprincipled and unconventional,” Sheffield reminded him.
Gates glanced at him. “Then I say to hell with principle and convention.” He smiled with some mischief and settled back in for the remainder of the ride. “Though, as I said, it is much easier to manage affection and position. I intend to.”
Will and Sheffield looked at each other again, then back to Gates. “Do you?” Sheffield inquired. “With whom, pray tell?”
“You shall know by and by,” Gates replied airily.
Well, well, would wonders never cease?
Will hesitated, then looked at Sheffield. “And will you reveal the identity of your love, Sheffield?”
Sheffield returned his look, then smiled slightly. “You shall know by and by,” he repeated.
That was not at all comforting.
The man could have described Caroline in his fears, and though Will had never seen him treat Caroline with the sort of love and adoration such sentiments would have brought about, he could not account for how he behaved when the company had left Ashby House.
What if he intended to offer for her? And, horror of horrors, what if she accepted? What if Sheffield found her in her emotional distress after the attack of her father the other day, and he was the one to comfort her? What if he, too, knew of the sweetness and strength Caroline possessed and wanted such for his own
?
What if Will were not alone in his desires to bring Caroline out of the obscurity she seemed content to dwell in?
“And your thoughts, Deb?” Sheffield asked, bringing him back to the conversation at hand. “Any more inclined to share?”
He could not reveal his thoughts in truth, not to a potential rival for Caroline. He would not.
Will shrugged once. “Trying to decide if being ungentlemanly would truly suit my needs.”
“Oh, spare me,” Sheffield groaned, raising his eyes heavenward. “How many times must I tell you that it will not?”
Will managed a smile he did not feel, hiding the satisfaction of knowing that the only ungentlemanly thing he wished to do was to marry far beneath his station and be the most unconventional man who had ever earned the name of gentleman.
That was all.
Chapter 10
Parkway Manor, home of Lord and Lady Mayfield, was a glorious escape from the troubles of London.
Caroline could barely think of her pains over Will Debenham during the day, though they plagued her enough in the evenings and at night. There were so many children about the house from various families also in attendance, which was entirely unusual for house parties in the Season. The Mayfields did not seem to mind, and with Kate Mayfield being so intrigued by Mr. Gates, she had minimal use for Caroline’s company. Lady Ashby was so entertained by others, Caroline was free to do as she please, and it pleased her to play with the children whenever permitted.
It was a blessed reprieve from Society’s demands. When the children were abed, there was dancing and evening activities she attended, but when possible, she was with the children.
Life was so much simpler for them.
When they were not about and distracting her, the truth of her situation made itself known in all its anguish.
Caroline was in love with Mr. Debenham. She could barely stand to think of him as Will, much as her heart cried out his name in its loneliest moments. She could not bring him to an equal level with her, not when he was so very far above her.
What was worse was that the time at Parkway Manor had only increased her admiration for him. He was constant in his tender attention, never ceasing in his consideration of her, despite the attempts of others to prevent it. Every evening, she struggled to recount to herself what happened within her when he would look at her, when he gave her that slight smile, when he pressed her hand… She thought she might burst into a thousand pieces every evening, and she found herself craving his presence with ever increasing fervency.
There had been five evenings of dancing thus far, and, surprisingly, a number of gentlemen had danced with her. Each man of the Sheffields’ friends had danced with her several times, though none so much as Mr. Debenham. He had the unspoken claim on her first and last dances of the evening, and everyone seemed to know it.
Even Caroline knew it. He could have the claim on every one of her dances, if he would ask. And if she would allow it. There was some internal debate as to whether or not she would. It wasn’t proper; she wasn’t sure that mattered all the time.
Mr. Sheffield had taken care to dance with Caroline at every opportunity as well, but he seemed somehow more reserved and more thoughtful than usual. Mr. Gates continued his apparent pursuit of Kate Mayfield, and it was remarkable to see the change in her. She was no longer a timid little mouse but had blossomed into one of the most sought-after ladies, despite her timidity. Yet she had eyes for only Mr. Gates, and it was a glorious thing to see.
Country life was really more to Caroline’s taste. Every morning she was able to rise early and see to Lady Ashby’s comfort, though she was never easy in a house that was not her own. Still, she was adjusting well enough. Her friend Lady Whimpole was also at Parkway Manor, which put a certain amount of life into her, and it was delightful for Caroline to see the two of them together throughout the day, giggling as schoolgirls over nothing in particular. But that was generally not until tea time at least, as Lady Whimpole slept a great deal longer than Lady Ashby did, so in the mornings, she had only Caroline. Despite her attempts to be helpful, Caroline had been forbidden to help the maids with the breakfast trays, and could not do anything to tidy up either, leaving her quite at her wit’s end before it was proper for them to leave their rooms.
After the breakfast trays had been cleared, Caroline tried to take her ladyship for a stroll out of doors, if the weather was fine, though it was growing too chilly for such things. Caroline did not mind it, but Lady Ashby was not nearly so hardy. On those days, they simply walked from room to room of the Parkway Manor, with Caroline’s arm supporting her. She tired too easily, and Caroline feared the strain of such an extensive house party, so far from her comforts of home, was wearing on her.
Miss Sheffield, for all her professing of being so devoted to her aunt, was nowhere to be found unless there were a great many people. She seemed to be avoiding them both and could not look at Caroline without a hint of a snarl. Whatever usefulness she saw in her had faded now she could not ignore her dear Deb’s attention to Caroline.
It was impossible to say why Miss Sheffield was so vulgar about it, as he was still as polite and cordial as he had ever been to her. Caroline had not prevented their usual interaction from continuing, and he certainly had showed no serious inclination in her before, but perhaps Miss Sheffield’s heart was broken over his lack of romantic interest.
Provided she had a heart.
Caroline winced at her own cruelty. Yet she had heard Miss Dawson say the same thing to Miss Fairchild not two days ago, and Miss Fairchild agreed. Miss Dawson was always so kind to Caroline, and quite encouraging as well. Her maid was generously helping Caroline with her hair and gowns, as well as Miss Dawson’s, and Caroline flattered herself that she looked quite well nearly all the time. They had decided, Miss Dawson and herself, to dispense with the attempts at looking finer, as it did not suit Caroline or her nature. Miss Dawson had even claimed that Caroline looked all the more refined for the simple elegance and wondered why she could not see it before.
It seemed that among Miss Sheffield’s friends, Caroline might have found one of her own. Such a good, generous creature, and one without current prospects. Perhaps in this house party, she might find her source of happiness as well.
All the more pressing upon Caroline’s thoughts was what she must see to when she returned to London. Mr. Clarke, the kind curate from the Radcliffe ball, had written and asked if he might call upon her when she returned. His letter was so polite and had the slightest bit of sentiment to it, which Caroline found quite charming. Truly, she must consider it, for her situation was not suitable for her wishes.
She could not have Mr. Debenham, should he have the poor judgment to pursue the attachment. He was the second son of an earl. A titled family in England could not attach itself to a bankrupt tradesman’s daughter, no matter how secure her own holdings were. She had no pedigree and very little to offer.
She must be sensible.
But lord help her, she struggled to see sense anywhere.
Thus Caroline spent as much of her time as possible with the children. There were fourteen children in all, the youngest only three, and they played and romped, and had the merriest of times! She had even begun to slip into her natural accent, and they did not mind at all. She had lost four ribbons, two fichus, and ruined at least three pairs of stockings in her playing. Two days ago, they were caught in the rain, and the younger children struggled to return to the house, so she had carried them in her arms and on her back, and her dress was near to tatters from all of that. Many of the guests were shocked by her appearance, but the children were so merry, she could not find the shame she ought to have.
The looks on their faces were so comical, even now! She might have been stark naked for all of their scandalized looks. Yet the parents of the children in question smiled, and Mr. Debenham… Will… Well, his smile warmed her chilled body quite admirably, and the look in his eyes made her blush from head to f
rozen toe.
Caroline was not the only one to indulge in child’s play at the party. She had seen Will himself play with the children, and they adored him. He might as well have been their favorite uncle, though none of them had known him before the party began. Hardly any of the other guests lowered themselves to entertain the children, but the two of them did. Never together, but somehow, it felt as though they were.
It was impossible to think on such things without imagining how life would be with him should they have married and had children. Caroline had never thought of children beyond the general seeking to be a mother, but when she considered the prospect of Will and how good he was with them, she yearned for their family more than ever. As many children as they wished, all to be loved, adored, and played with every day of their lives.
None of them would know the evils that Caroline had done, nor the shame of her life’s secrets. They would only know joy and loyalty, hope and encouragement from the parents, and love between them all.
Always an abundance of love.
Caroline closed her eyes now as she had escaped the parlor with the ladies and gentlemen. She was permitted this every evening now, though at first it had been a secret. She had snuck out one night at the behest of the children to read to them in the library. It was a treat for them before bedtime, and she had the benefit of not being subjected to the endless tittle tattle of adults who had nothing of real substance to say. They were all very good people, it was true, but Caroline knew so little of them and their society, it made her discomfort too great.
She remained in the parlor as long as she must to see to Lady Ashby, and once the lady was settled and comfortable, was away to the library where the children waited.
Of course, after the first night of reading stories from a collection of fairy tales, and naturally doing all of the voices, the delighted children informed their parents. Thankfully, none of them seemed to mind any of this, and now Caroline did not have to plan an escape from the room, merely leave without causing a disturbance.
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