by Nina Levine
We order and once we’re sitting in a booth, eating, I say to Maddox, “Where’d you get that bruise from?”
He finishes chewing the food in his mouth before saying, “I was wondering how long it’d take you to ask that.”
“Well?” I’m not sure what I’ll do if he says it was Eloise.
He slurps some of his Coke. “I got in a fight.”
“At school?” Please don’t say at home.
He nods. “Yeah.”
Relief washes over me and I exhale the breath I was holding. I want to ask him about the fight, but I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it, so I don’t push. Instead, I focus on eating.
We eat in silence for a while, until Maddox surprises me when he says, “You’re a girl. Tell me what girls like to do on dates.”
I smile so big on the inside. Not so much on the outside, though, because I’m trying to appear cool and calm. Like it’s no big deal that he just asked me for advice.
This must be what it’s like to be a mother.
The thought whooshes through me, unexpected and overwhelming. In a good way. Boy, in a good way.
“I used to love going to the movies with boys,” I say.
He leans forward a little, like he’s hanging off every word I say. “What kind of movies, though? Do I have to sit through love crap?”
I laugh. “No. Girls like action movies, too.”
A text comes through on my phone.
* * *
Winter: I may not get a chance to call you today.
Me: That’s okay. I know you’re busy.
Winter: Sorry, angel. I’ll try.
Me: Don’t even think about me, baby. Just do what you have to.
Winter: Fuck I love you.
Me: I love you, too xx
* * *
“How long have you two been married?” Maddox asks as I place my phone down.
“How do you know that was Winter?”
“You get this look in your eye when you’re with him. You just got the same look.”
Maddox is an observant kid. One of the things I like about him.
“We’ve been married for eight years. Okay, so tell me, has this girl said yes to a date?”
He leans back in his seat. “I haven’t asked her yet.”
“Why not?”
“Because shit is complicated.”
I sit quietly, watching him like I’m expecting him to elaborate.
He points at his face. “This bruise came from her boyfriend. Well, her ex now.”
“Wait. Did you get in the middle of their relationship?”
“Fuck, no. That’s not the shady kind of shit I do. I didn’t know she liked me until he came at me with his fists. And now I can’t fucking stop thinking about her.”
Oh, man, I remember what it was like to have a crush in high school. And that first love. “My first boyfriend took me to the beach for our first date. We swam for hours and then ate fish and chips on the beach.” I point a finger at him. “Do not take any girl to the beach for your first date.”
He frowns. “Why not?”
“Because sand, water, and sun. Sand is messy, water ruins our hair, and sun can turn us into a lobster if we screw up with the sunscreen, which we probably will if we’re drooling over the boy we’re with. The beach is good for other dates, but not that first one. You want to take her somewhere she can feel as pretty as she looks because her hair and face stay exactly the way she spent hours making them look.”
His mouth curls up in amusement. “You should write a manual. The Queen’s Guide To First Dates.”
I finish the last of my chips and push the tray away. “Do you talk to Eloise about this stuff?” I broach the subject gently, not sure how he’ll take it. I expect to be shot down in flames.
Maddox takes a few moments, but he does answer me. “No. She’s not around much for shit like this. And she’d give crappy advice.”
“Why?”
His eyes bore into me, hardening with each passing second. “You hear what Brad said about the nasty shit Eloise does to score?” At my nod, he continues, “She fucks guys so she can get high with them. She’s not really the kind of mother to hand out dating tips.”
My heart hurts for Maddox. Like, physically aches for him. I want to say I’m sorry he got dealt a shitty hand in life, that I’m sorry he doesn’t have a mother to protect him, that I’m sorry he also doesn’t have a father to teach him, but I say none of that, because he’s not looking for any apologies. I actually don’t know what he’s looking for, but I do know what he needs. Maddox needs some unconditional love in his life.
“Okay, well I’m here anytime you have a question. I mean, I don’t have a manual, yet”—I smile—“but I do know some things about girls that might be helpful to you.”
He stands. “I’ve gotta get going so I can start an essay due on Monday. Thanks for today.” I’m not sure what I said to cause him to be so abrupt, but I roll with it. Maybe he really does feel the pressure to get home and work on his essay. Maybe I didn’t say anything that affected him.
I stand, too. “I enjoyed today.”
We drive back to the clubhouse in silence. I can tell Maddox is all talked out, so I don’t hound him with conversation. When we arrive, he thanks me again, and gets straight on the back of Memphis’s bike to go home.
Thorn meets me outside as I watch them leave. “You going home now?”
I look at Thorn. He’s watching me while Winter’s away. We get on well, thankfully. I wouldn’t want to get on Thorn’s bad side; he’s got a dark vibe that is a little scary. “No, I’m going to make you guys some more meals since I know you’re all too busy to cook at the moment. We’ll need to go to the supermarket first.”
He doesn’t smile, but I hear it in his voice when he says, “I got the boys to clean the kitchen in case you decided to cook again.”
“Thank you.” He has no clue what this means to me. And not just because the kitchen is clean.
“It was a fucking mess in there. I’ve told them to pick up after themselves from now on.”
As I drive to the supermarket, I realise how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who see me and care about me. I think I’ve felt so let down from the seven years Winter and I did IVF, that I’ve allowed myself to feel alone in life. I’ve watched pregnant women and mothers with their children go about their lives, and had a sense of isolation. I’m not, and never will be, one of them, and they’re who I desperately wanted to be. I’ve wondered how I fit in anymore. Where I fit in if not in the mothering role I always felt called to.
But maybe this nurturing side of mine wasn’t given to me so I could raise my own children. Maybe it was for other purposes. Maybe I’m meant to care for people who show up needing love and friendship.
Maybe God has a plan for me after all.
35
Winter
* * *
I kick the motel door closed behind me, and collapse onto the bed. Pulling my phone out, I check the time. 11:55 p.m. Probably too late to call Birdie, but fuck it, I need to hear her voice. Today was a long day with little reward, and I’m fucking missing her like never before.
I’ve been in Brisbane for just over two weeks and have yet to locate Zenith. They haven’t shown their faces here yet, and no one we’ve spoken with has said they’ve been contacted by the gang. But we know they’re here, because Zane has picked up chatter indicating that. The only good thing about the past two weeks is that we haven’t lost any more club members. Shit has settled down and business has gone back to normal. Ransom is running things in Melbourne while I’m here. I brought Hunt with me, figuring I’d call more men once we need them. We haven’t had to do that yet, which leaves them free to round up more business in Melbourne. Something our bank balance needs after Zenith tried to wipe it clean.
I call Birdie and am surprised when she answers on the first ring.
She appears on the screen, working her magic the minute I see her. “Hey, baby
.”
“Angel.” I frown and sit up. “Have you been crying?”
Wiping her face, she smiles. “No. Yes. Ugh, yes, but it’s not what you think.”
“What the fuck is it then, because it doesn’t look good.”
She wiggles around, getting comfortable on our bed. Fuck, I miss our bed. I miss being with her in our bed. “I’ve been in the nursery.”
My breathing slows. “Why?” Why the fuck would she go in there if she knows it’ll just stir up all her pain.
“I really don’t want to talk about this tonight, Winter. Can we just talk about it when you get home?”
“No, I want to talk about it now. Why were you in the nursery?”
Her chest rises as she takes a deep breath. It falls as she exhales and says, “I go in there to cry.”
Fucking hell. I need to go home soon. “Why?”
“Because it’s helping me feel better. It’s helping me release my pain.”
I try to slow my responses down, because my instinct is to shield her from pain, but it sounds like she’s doing something that’s working for her. “How long have you been doing this?”
“For about a week.”
“And you just sit in there and cry?”
She smiles. “Yes. I know it sounds crazy, but it helps.” She bites her lip. “I think you should come in there with me when you get home.”
“I can do that if you need me with you.”
“No, I mean you should try it for yourself. And for us. I think it might help us work through all the stuff we need to.”
“What stuff?”
“Our IVF baggage and our disappointment over not being able to have a baby. And everything that’s going on with our marriage because of all that.”
“Birdie, once I get all this club stuff sorted, and we have time together again, our marriage will get back on track. You don’t need to worry about—”
“It’s more than that, Winter.”
“More than what?”
“Our marriage problems are from more than us being busy.”
Fuck, I know we’ve had problems, but hearing the words from her is like a punch to the gut. I thought once we both stopped working so much, we’d figure it out. Birdie seems to have other ideas. “How about we talk this out when I get home?”
“But will you? Whenever I try to get you to talk, you shut down on me.”
“Yeah, because I’ve been busy.”
“I don’t think that’s the reason, baby. I think it’s been too hard to face our losses this year, so we’ve stopped talking, and stopped connecting.”
I scrub my hand over my face. I’m tired and this kind of hard shit isn’t best discussed when we’re tired. “We’ll discuss it when I get home.”
She turns silent for a long moment before nodding. “Okay.”
“I love you, Birdie.”
“I love you, too.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Yeah.” Her face disappears from the screen.
I rest my elbows on my knees and drop my head. Stretching my neck, I think about what Birdie said. Our marriage has taken a lot of hits over the years, but we’ve stuck together through it all. Hell, we fucking survived IVF. That says a fuckuva lot about a marriage as far as I’m concerned. We just need to spend time together to fix what’s wrong at the moment. That’s all.
I move off the bed and walk into the bathroom. Stripping out of my clothes, I flick the shower on and stand under it, letting the heat work its way into my muscles.
As I’m drying off afterwards, a call comes through.
Zane.
“You got a hit?” I ask, figuring a late call like this isn’t for shits and giggles.
“Yeah, brother. We got a fucking hit.”
I exhale a long fucking breath. It’s about fucking time. “Where?”
He rattles off the address to me and adds, “They’ve been receiving deliveries all week. Looks to be electrical goods and cigarettes.” The same shit they were moving years ago when we burned their warehouse to the ground.
“Thanks, Zane. I owe you for this.”
“Fuck, I owe you for a fuckload more. This doesn’t even come close.”
“I don’t keep score. You know that.”
“I know, but I won’t ever forget what you did for me.”
We end the call and I pull up Cole’s number and dial it.
“It’s after midnight, so I’m guessing something significant has come up,” he says.
“Yeah, we have an address. I’m gonna stake it out tonight. Can you send someone to watch it with me?”
“Yeah, shoot it through and I’ll get J over there.”
“Thanks, brother.”
I text him the address and get dressed again. Five minutes later, I’m out the door and on my bike, heading towards Zenith’s address.
Recalling what Striker told us about Zenith having two operations, I know we’ll need to watch this one and track where everyone goes in an effort to locate their other location. That’s the fucking location I want; it’s the one where we’ll find Bourne.
“How’d you go?” Scott asks early the next morning when he drops by to check in on J and me.
J hands him the binoculars. “Take a look. There’s nothing much to see here yet.”
Scott surveys the property. From what we can ascertain, there’re four men there. One manning the front gate, one walking the perimeter, and two inside. As Scott passes the binoculars back to J, he says to me, “So are you thinking we set up a roster with two of our guys watching around the clock, and others following whoever comes and goes?”
“Yeah. I’ve organised for some of my members to come up today to help. And King will send more if we need them.”
We’d all prefer just to force the guys we’re watching to give us information, but that hasn’t proved successful with this gang. We need to be patient and wait for them to take us to Bourne.
“Okay, I’ll get over to the clubhouse and get this roster sorted. I’ve got Nash and Griff ready to take over from you two in an hour.”
After he leaves, J says, “You think we’re in for the long haul with these assholes?”
“Yeah. Their system is sophisticated. We’ve never been able to track the workers back to the leader. Fuck knows how they do it, but they’re evasive. And their workers are loyal; they’d rather die than give up what they know.”
“Fuck, it sounds like a cult.”
He’s right; that’s exactly what I’m beginning to think this group is. A fucking cult that we need to infiltrate somehow.
36
Birdie
* * *
“King came home today,” Lily says over the phone early one morning while I’m getting ready for work. “Guess what he told me?”
I laugh. God only knows what came out of King’s mouth that has her all worked up. “That he thinks he should build you a second bedroom for your extended closet?”
She rolls her eyes. “Funny, B. No, he told me that he probably won’t get home for Christmas until Christmas Eve.” She widens her eyes now. “Doesn’t the man know I need him here before Christmas Eve? I’m going to lose my shit with all these kids of his. They’re already fighting and the school holidays have only just begun.”
One of the things I love the absolute most about Lily is that whereas other friends shy away from talking to me about their children, because they worry it’ll dredge up pain for me, Lily doesn’t. She never has. I hear about all her worries, her stress, and her joy. She doesn’t hide any of it from me, and I’m so grateful for that.
“The good news is I’ll be there on Christmas Day and we can drink all the wine while he chases after the kids.”
“Oh, thank God. When are you coming to Sydney?”
“Winter and I still need to finalise the date. He hasn’t told me yet when he’ll be free, but I’m not hopeful it’ll be before Christmas Eve if King doesn’t think he’ll be home till then.”
“Winter�
��s home today, right?”
“No. He got delayed. I’m not sure when he’ll be home now.” I was disappointed when he broke the news to me last night. Four weeks of him being mostly in Brisbane, with just a few super short visits home, has been too long. Especially since we’ve still not talked about the things we need to. When he does come home, we’re all about sex, and while I love that, it’s not helping us get to the root cause of our problems.
She glances at something to her side before looking back at me, frazzled. “I gotta go, babe. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She slows down for a moment to add, “I’m sorry Winter’s not coming home today. Hang in there. Hopefully all this shit will be over soon.”
“I love you, Lil. Don’t kill those kids!”
With one last widening of her eyes, she ends the call and I finish applying my make-up. I’ve got a meeting with our Instagram influencer this morning to go over our next three month’s worth of promotion, and then a meeting with the accountant. After that, I’m taking the day off and going to the movies by myself; something I’ve started doing while Winter’s been away. It’s become one of my favourite weekly activities. I’m surprised to have discovered how much I enjoy doing some things on my own.
A text comes through.
* * *
Maddox: You got any spare time this afternoon?
Me: Maybe.
Maddox: Like, at 3pm?
Me: You want me to pick you up from school?
Maddox: I want you to tell me what to buy to wear on this date.
Me: It’s finally happening????!!!!
Maddox: Let’s not make this more than what it is.
Me: Right. As you were. I’m free.
Maddox: Sweet.
* * *
And now I’m not going to the movies, but I’m even more excited about what I will be doing.