For a child, that was fairly acceptable, but for a woman, that could not have been more wrong.
The elders warned my mother, or so that is what she claimed, but at the time, she must have seen no harm in her daughter’s curiosities. Perhaps, instead of feeling those same curiosities outwardly, she lived vicariously through me.
Even though I wasn’t sure, that was the best explanation that I could come up with as to why my mother did not sever my inquisitiveness and outward sense of feeling at the start. As a child, I was pleased, since I felt as though I learned, almost as much as the boys, even without any schooling, which was uncommon.
Yet, it seemed that the second that I became an adult, everyone had expected those feelings and those compassions to vanish. Suddenly, those compassions and sense of inquisitiveness was no longer acceptable.
Of course, as I grew into a woman, my needs changed. Instead of just wanting to know about the world, I also wanted to explore myself, both my personality and sexually. Therefore, the kind of information I required became more taboo and apparently, so did my actions. I began to self-please, trying to get answers and eventually, I was caught.
Without explanation, I was told that in order to become a proper woman, I was expected to just stop, but once I had felt that senses of excitement, I never wanted it to end. Therefore, I was labeled as chronic.
I had even been told to harbor the information that I possessed, but stop from gaining anything else and if nothing else, I was ordered to stop showing so much emotion and need. I was told that I would have a man soon enough and that apparently would solve all of my problems.
Unfortunately, I didn’t see it that way.
It seemed that now, no matter what I did, everyone had something to say. If I were to shed a tear or even come across as too merry, everyone would insist that my self-pleasing nature was getting the best of me and I should leave before it spread. I wasn’t sure if people thought that I was contagious, if they were jealous, or if they simply did not know what to make of my free spirit, but whatever the reason was, also didn’t bother me.
All I wanted was to have some kind of reprieve from the demons that seemed to inhabit my mind, making me feel and question things that proper women shouldn’t. I wanted to be a good daughter, a respectable friend and one day, a dutiful wife, but it seemed that wanting to take part in these social practices appropriately and being able to do so were two very different animals.
***
My mother has admitted, on multiple occasions, that she blames herself for my horrible affliction, but that neither makes anything better nor, helps me to cure my ailment. In many ways, it made it worse, because while my mother might have blamed herself, it did not allow her to be proud of me and I was still blamed for my indiscretion, so there really was not excuse.
My mother thought that perhaps if I found a husband, I would be able to curb my appetite as well as my curiosity, but my father was too ashamed to allow me to date, for fear that I would not act as I should and I would worsen my social status, thus bringing the rest of my family down as well.
My father was a banker and an important member of the community, so obviously, my indiscretions were not well-received and he rued having a daughter like me. He thought I could help it though, that I was purposefully unruly, even though I had tried to have a conversation with him multiple times about how I tried to help it, but simply couldn’t and still, he never took the time to understand.
Once, he did have an exorcism performed on me, but that did nothing, as I was only plagued and tormented by my own overactive emotion, drive for knowledge and willingness to experience.
Hence, my mother eventually threatened to bring me to one of those terrible doctors if I did not get my condition under control soon, though she wasn’t very helpful in that pursuit.
So, I turned to my friend, Ruth, who was not so much self-pleasing as she was extremely emotional. There would be times where my friend would grow so angry it truly would be like a devil was inside of her. She would scream and holler, while crying uncontrollably.
She lived just a few houses down from my parents and there would be some nights where her sobs and shrieks could be heard from my upper chambers. When she was like that, no one could talk to her or even look at her in a way that displeased her.
Not wanting to harm her, her parents would often lock her in the attic and even threatened to send her away to the asylum on the outskirts of town, where people sometimes would go, but never returned.
Like me, after her episode, she would try her best to be good. After all, she never intended to be that way, but eventually, she would have an off day that would send her spiraling into delirium and after her last episode she decided that she had to take it upon herself to try to do something.
She ended up finding a doctor that gave her a cure she lives and breathes by. After the first time, she started going to the doctor once or twice a month, depending on her needs and how she was feeling at that particular time in order to curb her outburst.
***
At first, I thought little of it, thinking that even though it worked for Ruth it would not guarantee that it would work for me, but after a particularly horrid night, whereupon my mother told me that I too was going to be taken to the asylum, because I was such a disgrace to my family and they no longer wished to have a close, forced association with me, I decided that I should talk to Ruth about what she went through.
“I can’t tell you all of the details, but I can assure you that it has changed my life,” Ruth said while we were sitting in private together in the gardens.
“You do seem to be responding well. Is it a surgery of some sort?” I asked before taking a sip of my tea and lightly setting the cup down, hoping that she could not tell how nervous I was to be here, talking like this to her.
I had always wanted to ultimately disregard the idea that I had a problem, since all through my childhood, I had been encouraged to act this way, but now that I was faced with such a terrifying ultimatum, I was ready to do just about anything to avoid being put away.
Still, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and I saw my hand shake as I brought the cup of tea up to my lips. The warm liquid did not make the fear I felt any less dominant, but I kept drinking it in order to keep up the little sense of appearance that I still possessed.
Even though Ruth was a friend, I still wanted to show her that I was a lady and not the over-dramatic, self-serving wench that everyone else seemed to label me as.
I felt as though if she saw what everyone else seemed to, she would be far less inclined to help me, especially since she was now considered recovered.
My mother had mentioned that she was pleased that Ruth had the grace to still see the likes of me, even if it was to help, since she was now being successfully treated. She didn’t say it directly, but the comment made me feel as though I was just some social leper, which infected and dragged down everyone around me.
I understood that she was angry with me, but I still did not see the need to be so cruel. After all, I was trying to change. It was just going to take a little bit of research and effort, since I certainly was not going to agree to the cruelties that many of the doctors were practicing.
“Not exactly...” She answered and then chuckled with a melodious sense of pleasure, without sounding the least bit crazed. The laugh was calculated and perfectly womanlike as she corrected herself, “Well, truth be told, it is not a surgery of any sort.” Her lips spread into a wide grin as she answered, “It is just…the cure…the salvation that has enabled me to reclaim my life.”
I nodded, even though I had no idea what that was supposed to mean. I grasped my cup of tea, along with its saucer and brought it close to my head, before lifting it the small remaining distance to my mouth so that I might be able to hide the shaking of my hand. I then took the time to replace the cup and saucer on the table in front of me, before I answered, “Excuse me for being forward…”
“Of course dea
r,” Ruth answered calmly, interrupting me, “I understand that you are forward. It is just a part of your ailment.” She easily sipped her tea, looking poised and perfectly put together as ever. In a way, I was jealous.
I wanted to be the epitome of grace, like the woman before me. In that moment, I saw what a difference Ruth had, in her confidence and in her abilities as a pious, proper woman. It was a sense of normal that at the moment, even though my father had more money than her entire family combined and I was sure that he would have given it all just to have a daughter who was considered well, I could not afford.
Perhaps I don’t have a choice… I thought to myself. Maybe I have to go through with this treatment.
In an effort to refrain from reaching across the small table and smacking that lowly grin off of Ruth’s face, I just returned the toothy gesture and replied, “Thank you. I am slowly coming into the acceptance that I do need to seek help and as my first step, I have come to you.”
She nodded, “We have been friends for a long time. I am so happy that you are still able to see that I am still the same woman that you used to know…”
“Do you really think that this procedure will help me?” I asked, knowing that I was probably coming off as bold and brash, but instead of continuing to take these subtle, ladylike backhanded compliments to my efforts, I decided to try to get right to the point as best as I could.
Ruth’s lips pressed together with a sense of annoyance, but I could really have cared less. She was wrong about what she was saying anyway. She wasn’t the friend that I had before. She now, somehow thought that she was above me, just because she now had the opportunity to pull herself up the social ladder and hopefully gain a husband before she reached the age of the old maid, while I could only hope that I was reaching my rock bottom and beginning to raise my eyes to the light at the end of the hole I had sank into over the past few years.
“Yes,” she answered stoutly, “It worked wonders for me and I do believe that you still have a chance at redemption as well. You just have to act fast.” She narrowed her eyes in a serious manner and answered, “I see so much of the woman I used to be in your eyes.”
That light might be blinding now, but I knew that eventually, if this cure was the true miracle that Ruth claimed it to be, I would surpass her on that ladder faster than she could ever imagine. She was, after all, far crazier than I have ever been and so I had a distinct advantage. “That is why I am hoping you can help me. However, you must understand the fear that I have, what with all of the horrific solutions ,” I could not help but to roll my eyes at the concept, “that the elders are trying to incorporate into our treatment. I have heard such morbid stories and accounts of women being mutilated in the name of medicine and science…” I stopped to place my hand on my heart and take a deep breath, as though I was ashamed of what I had just said. Words with such a harsh connotation, regardless of the truth they hold should never cross a woman’s lips, but I felt for those poor souls so much, that I knew the truth just had to be spoken in this company.
“I do understand,” Ruth answered, backing away from me slightly, as though her virgin ears had never experienced such cruelty and she was really only answering my tone so that the noise I was casting upon her would cease.
I was quiet for a long moment, trying to ensure that the stain that was cast in the shadow of my words continued to linger in the air like the scent of bad perfume.
Finally, she added to what she had originally said by expressing, “There is a certain sense of secrecy, because the cure does work very well, but I must admit that there are no appropriate words that can prepare you. It is just one of those instances that you need to be there, especially the first time, to really become one with the person that you want to be.” She smiled then, thinking about the cure and told me, “But what I can promise you is that there is absolutely no cutting, or any of those other awful methods. Dr. Rearden is a brilliant man, with what I could call a magical touch, if there ever truly was such a thing, but he is nothing like those other doctors.” She then reached across the table and took my hand.
I was surprised at the gesture and almost pulled myself away, but was able to stop when I realized that she was making every effort to be genuine.
“Please,” Ruth answered, “I know that I have been making fun, but that is only because, like I said, you remind me so much of my former self…I can’t tell you what to expect, but I can assure you that I truly believe that not only will Dr. Rearden cure you, but he will enlighten your life exponentially. I beg of you to trust me.”
When I looked into her eyes now, instead of seeing a pompous woman in a large, overly dressed outfit to be out on veranda having tea, I saw my friend; the girl who I had grown up with, the girl who I had worried about for all of those years and now, the girl who seemed to be looking out for my best interest.
Finally, I nodded and answered her, “Alright, I understand. I will do as you tell me to do. I will see the good doctor. Where is he located?”
“He has an operating theater that he works out of atop the church at the edge of town,” She answered before pressing her other hand atop of mine and adding with a sense of urgency, “Please go quickly. I believe that I overheard him telling a member of his staff that he is going to hold a session in the church tomorrow and he is looking for a volunteer to participate.”
“An operating theater?” I asked, trying to hide the nervous laugh that trickled into my voice.
She nodded, “But it isn’t what you think! The doctor really does have your best interest at heart, believe me.”
“If you believe in it so much, why don’t you go?” I asked in a condescending way.
“I believe they are looking for a new patient, so that it has the most profound impact on the audience,” she paused then and even before she actually said anything, her cheeks grew red and her demeanor changed to have a slightly lustful attachment as she replied in a low voice, “Besides, due to the…nature of the cure, it must only be administered in certain intervals of time that simply cannot be rushed.” She batted her eyes slowly and a shameless smile spread across her face as she added, “Too much of a good thing, you know…”
Even though I nodded, I couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. The whole idea seemed strange to me, especially because I had absolutely no idea what this Dr. Rearden could have done to make the experience so pleasantly memorable for her.
Still, by the recommendation she had given, once I saw that her wellness from the cure was not just an act for the elders, rather that she was honestly trying to get through to me and show me the change in herself, I felt as though I needed to heed her advice.
Therefore, I squeezed her gloved hand encouragingly and smiled at her. “Thank you,” I answered before looking around and realizing that the day was growing short. Dinner would be prepared soon and if I was late just one more time, I would surely be put out on the street…
***
It was a long next few days, but within that time, I had put my name on the list for the first treatment of the cure and was chosen as the patient that he wanted to see the most.
Knowing that there hopefully was a cure in my future excited me, but also made me nervous. As much as I wanted the opportunity to have a normal life, I also did not want the fundamental of what made me to change.
Still, for the betterment of my family, when the day came, I made my way down to the church without a whimper of fuss.
As I entered the church and was ushered eagerly up to the very top, where I imagined the bells would have been at one time, I was pleased at how outwardly calm I felt, especially because on the inside I felt like every bit of me was quaking uncontrollably.
With every step I moved forward, I wanted more to turn around and run the other way. However, I stayed vigilant and made my way into the upper chamber of the church. Although, as I walked in, my urge to run intensified enormously.
The narrow entrance I was told to go through had a stout wooden be
d in the middle, with viewing sections that rose up like waves on either side. People filled the stands and a man, wearing a nice suit stood in the middle.
When I approached, the man raised his arms toward me and motioned for me to come closer.
“Thank you for coming, Elizabeth!” He exclaimed, “Come, sit on the table.”
The entire room was completely wooden and rod iron, with little else besides two other tables, but they didn’t have anything on it. As I slunk inside, I eyed the room of men that stared at me. Some were looking through binoculars and others were just gazing on while leaning forward, over the railing.
“Come on…Don’t be shy,” The man urged when I apparently was not moving fast enough for him.
I nodded and tried to get my legs, which felt like lead to move faster, but it seemed like a lot of effort was put forth, while not too much progress was made. My heart was racing with fear while I felt as though cold sweat was pouring out of me.
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