by Chelle Bliss
I’m the furthest thing from weak. But I’m also not stupid. Finding a good woman, someone who can make me laugh and piss me off within a second of each other, is something I’m not willing to let pass by. I know she could never be in this life. Her family wouldn’t allow it, and I wouldn’t feel safe.
“Give us some time to discuss how to handle this, and we’ll call you back in. Letting someone leave, especially you, has consequences and comes with a cost.”
“I’m aware,” I say before standing and exiting the room, while they sit in silence, staring at my back, waiting for me to close the door.
Eagle’s waiting for me at the bar, still nursing the same beer. “And?”
“And nothing,” I tell him as I slide back onto the barstool I’d been sitting on before Morris called me into Church. “They’re discussing my future.”
Eagle nods slowly, smiling at me. “Well, that’s a good sign. They could’ve shot you in the head and ended the discussion right there.”
When he puts it that way, I suppose it is a good sign. I didn’t walk into Church thinking they’d kill me, but the possibility was there. I wouldn’t have been the first man killed within these walls, and I sure as fuck wouldn’t have been the last either.
“I hate feeling like I need permission to move on with my life. It’s like being in the army but worse,” I grumble, leaning over the bar to grab the beer I know he has stowed in the wings for his next round.
“You knew that was what you were signing up for. You weren’t signing a contract with Uncle Sam. You took a different oath. A deadlier and more long-term one than you did for the army, man. If you didn’t want this life forever, why the hell did you prospect and even get involved?”
I twist off the cap, flicking the metal into the trash can behind the bar, making the shot like I’d done it a million times. “My head wasn’t right back then. Shit was all mixed up, and I was lost. The military life fucks with you, and then when you’re out, you’re out. It’s a clean break. A life you’ve known for years just vanishes. The family you had is gone in a flash. I was searching for something, anything really, when I found you guys. If I had been thinking right, I wouldn’t have joined. But I was pretty fucked up.”
“Still are,” he mumbles with a smile. “Fucked up for that fine piece of ass. Just like the other ones. There’s something about those girls.”
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, Eagle,” I admit, rarely ever sharing my feelings because the guys here never talk about that shit.
Eagle’s different. He’s always been my friend. Someone I could share things with without judgment. The same goes for him. We were a team within the club, but I hadn’t even taken him into consideration and how my leaving would affect him.
“I’m sorry I’m leaving you behind. You know you’re my best friend here. Someone I know will always have my back.”
“You chase your happiness, kid. I’m fucking happy here. I have no family, no kids. Without this club, I don’t have much. Just because you’re leaving doesn’t mean I’ll cut you out of my life. I’m sure we’ll share another beer together unless they…”
“Yeah.” I lift the beer to my lips, downing half the bottle because, goddamn, I may not get out of here alive. The possibility is real, even if I want to pretend it’s not on the table. I took an oath, a pledge to these men, and now I’m breaking it.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, probably a text from Tamara, but I ignore it. There’s too much happening, and my head’s not in the right place right now to talk to her. I want to be able to tell her I have an answer before we speak again.
A moment later, Eagle’s phone goes off, and my gaze dips to the screen, seeing Pike’s name flashing.
“Well, this should be interesting,” he says before grabbing the phone and tapping the screen. “Yo.” Eagle’s gaze is fixed on me as Pike speaks for over a minute. “I think you better talk to Mammoth about this shit.”
My eyebrows rise and my heart starts to pound as I tighten my grip around the bottle. “Talk to me about what?”
“Here.” Eagle gives me the phone before lifting his hands and excusing himself from the spot behind the bar. “It’s not my business or my chick.”
“What’s up?” I ask Pike, holding Eagle’s phone up to my ear, ignoring the growing knot in my stomach.
“I tried calling your dumb ass, but you didn’t answer.”
“Kind of in the middle of something, Pike. Spit it out. I’m meeting with Morris and Tiny.”
“It’s Tamara.”
“What about her?”
“She’s going to see Crow today before they ship his ass out of state to start serving his time.”
I rock backward on my stool like I’ve been punched straight in the face. “She what?”
“I overheard Gigi talking to her. I guess Crow called and wanted to talk to her, apologize for the shit that happened, and asked her to visit him before he leaves. I thought you should know.”
“Motherfucker.”
“She’s on her way to Gainesville, maybe. I think that’s what I heard. I have no idea where he’s being held right now. I’m hours away, or I’d stop her.”
“I’ll handle her and Crow,” I bite out, tasting the bile that’s rising in the back of my throat.
“Take it easy on her. She doesn’t understand things like the club.”
“She should know loyalty, though.”
“She’s loyal, Mammoth. As loyal as they come, but when she has a friend in need, she’ll do anything she can to help him too.”
“A friend?” I let out a bitter laugh. “Crow’s no one’s friend.”
“They had a connection that day. Not a sexual one. I told him I’d murder him before I’d let him touch her. You just need to explain the way she’s fucked up by going to see him, without at least letting you know she was doing it.”
“I’ll finish with Tiny and Morris and head that way.”
“Good luck, and don’t be too hard on her.”
Hard on her? She’ll be lucky if she can sit for a week after pulling shit like this. I’ve been too easy on her. I didn’t lay the proper groundwork for our relationship. She needs rules, guidance, and boundaries, and I’m just the man to give them to her.
“Later, Pike,” I say before disconnecting the call, not needing him to mother me on how to treat women.
“That’s pretty fucked up, brother. You may get yourself killed over this chick who’s going to visit Crow. How well do you know her? Can you really trust her?” Eagle asks as he takes the phone back from my death grip.
“Mammoth,” Morris calls out, but his tone is even and unreadable.
“Fuck,” I hiss again, wondering if this day is about to go from shittastic to completely fucked up.
“If you die, it was great knowing ya, man,” Eagle tells me, and he’s completely serious.
“You too,” I say, moving away from the bar, my entire body tight and my mind reeling with nothing but images of Crow’s face and my girl sitting across from him.
I march into Church, pissed off, ready for whatever’s coming. Tiny and Morris are already back in their spots at the head of the table, staring at me with those fucking unreadable faces.
“We’ve talked.” Morris gestures to the same seat, wanting my ass in it. “We’ve also come to a decision.”
I move into the seat, fisting my hand tightly on top of my knee out of sight. The anger that’s coursing through me, anger at Crow and Tamara, is so strong, I’m ready to fucking punch anyone and anything, including the two men sitting in front of me.
“We can’t let you go,” Tiny says first, swiping his index finger across the wooden table where all the major club decisions are made.
“Not completely,” Morris adds when my back stiffens and I’m just about to tell them both to fuck off. “But we’ve come up with a compromise.”
“When were you planning on leaving?” Tiny asks.
“About nine months.”
&nb
sp; “She knocked up?” is his reply.
I shake my head. “It’s when she graduates.”
“You’re ours for the next nine months. After that, you’ll be available to us when needed. If we want to move something on your coast, you’ll move it. If we need something taken care of over there, you’ll make it happen,” Tiny explains. “You’ll be free of the compound, but nothing more. If we decide to open a chapter over there, you’ll be a member.”
“Done,” I say because at least they’re giving me an out, even though it’s a small one. All I care about right now is finding Tamara and figuring out what the fuck’s happening with Crow. “That it?”
“That’s it, kid,” Morris tells me as I stand again, ready to get the fuck out of there. “Where you headed in a hurry?”
“I got to go see about a girl,” I tell them, marching out of the room, heading straight toward my bike.
20
Tamara
The room is exactly like I’ve seen on television. We, the free people, are all lined up, phones to the side, with the inmates on the other side of the glass. There’s a coldness to the space. The walls are covered in matte gray paint, and the white linoleum tile looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in weeks. I don’t even want to think about the phones and the hundreds of people who’ve touched them since the last time they were sanitized.
I don’t know what I’m doing here. The last time I saw Crow’s face, I wanted to give him the biggest black eye. He treated me like a piece of shit, turning me out like I was trash. But when he called today, confessing that he was being shipped out of state to serve time in prison and asked to see me, I couldn’t refuse him.
How could someone? Even if the guy was an asshole when I last saw him, what guy isn’t an asshole at some point? He and I, we had a connection of some sort. A friendship, maybe, that I read wrong, blowing it up into something bigger in my head. It doesn’t matter now. He is about to serve hard time.
My family could forgive a lot. They were those types of people. They knew everyone messed up at some point, but if things were different and I hadn’t met Mammoth, I know they wouldn’t have accepted me pining over a guy serving prison time.
I fidget in my seat, toying with the edge of my skirt, unable to sit still because I can hear the whispers around me filled with sadness and tears. Girlfriends and wives have come to see their other halves, unable to touch them for God knows how long.
As if out of nowhere, Crow’s standing on the other side of the glass, wearing standard prison orange, hands in cuffs, looking nothing like the man I’d been flirting with just a few weeks ago. He’s flanked by a prison guard, who pushes Crow into the empty seat before starting to unlock his handcuffs. Crow’s gaze is locked on me and filled with something I’ve never seen there before. Sadness.
He ticks his chin toward the phone on my side before reaching for the one to his right. My lip quivers, sorrow overcoming me because whether I’m mad at him or not, seeing someone taken down and held captive is a hard pill to swallow.
He gives me a soft smile as I lift the phone and bring the receiver to my ear. “Hey, beautiful,” he says so sweetly, he sounds like the Crow I flirted with not too long ago.
“Hey,” I reply, not willing to give him any compliments, especially after the way he treated me.
“Thanks for coming.”
I look down when the reality of where we are and what’s about to happen to him hit me. “I figured we had things we needed to say to each other.” I lift my face, staring into his eyes, and tighten my grip around the phone. “A chapter we needed to close.”
“I knew this was going to happen.”
“What?”
“I knew I was going to be serving time, and not just a little time, but more years than I could ever ask you to wait.”
“You could’ve told me. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, Crow. I didn’t want to be your old lady. I thought we could have a little fun. That’s it. You didn’t have to turn me away like an asshole.”
He nods like he understands while his gaze sweeps over my face as if he’s trying to memorize every detail. “I couldn’t, babe. Couldn’t have a taste and then nothing at all. A greedier man would’ve taken that. Would’ve taken your sweetness and stolen it, pulling from those memories to get through the shit years ahead. But I couldn’t.”
“You wouldn’t have stolen anything since I was going to give it to you freely. I could’ve handed you some memories to relive over and over again while you’re there.”
Crow scoots forward, bringing his face closer to the glass and directly underneath the dim overhead light. It’s the first real glimpse I’ve had of him since he sat down. He looks like shit. His once soulful eyes are framed by dark circles and a few lines I hadn’t noticed before. It’s like he aged overnight. “I promised Pike I’d never touch you, but goddamn it, babe, you sure as fuck made it hard on me.”
“Fuck Pike,” I hiss, moving closer too, trying to hide away in the cubicle so I can try to forget there’s a room full of people around us. “He’s an asshole.”
Crow shakes his head. “He’s not, kid. He’s solid. He’s only looking out for you, and a man doesn’t do that unless he loves and respects a woman. Cut him some slack. He was just trying to save you from heartbreak later.”
“Heartbreak?” I snort, shaking my head. “Crow, babe, you’re hot and I’m pretty sure we would’ve fucked like bunnies, but I wasn’t falling in love with you.”
He raises an eyebrow like I’m full of shit, but I know the truth. “I just wanted a good time. I didn’t want forever.”
“I would’ve ruined you for any other man, sweetheart.” He smirks like he actually believes his own shit.
“How long are you going away?”
“Seven years. Maybe five if I get early release.” Somehow, he answers without so much as a twitch.
“Seven fucking years?” I repeat, trying to even think back seven years. I was fourteen and in high school. Seven years is a long damn time, especially to be locked away with no escape.
Crow nods slowly, gaze still moving around my face and slipping to my breasts. “It is. Could’ve been more, but I pleaded down to a lesser charge for a lighter sentence.”
“What the hell did you do?”
“Killed a man,” he says like he’s talking about the weather.
My eyes widen, and for a moment, I can’t breathe. I flirted with this man. I was going to sleep with him, adding him to the notches on my bedpost. I never thought to ask him about his criminal record and most certainly not if he’d ever offed a man before. I lean forward and drop my voice. “You killed someone?”
He shrugs. “He wasn’t just someone. He was an asshole and deserved what he got.”
“Seven years for killing someone?”
“We were fighting. I didn’t set out to kill him, but it happened. So, since it wasn’t premeditated, I got seven years if I’d forgo trial.”
“If it was an accident, why didn’t you fight? I mean seven years seems like it would feel like for-fucking-ever behind bars.”
“Babe, when a man has a record as long as mine, you realize which battles you can win and which ones you can’t. I was going to prison, no matter what. Why fight something that was inevitable? All I could do was control how long my ass would be rotting in a shithole like this.”
“It seems unfair,” I whisper.
“Life’s unfair, babe.”
“Yeah.”
“If it were fair, I’d be out there, sinking between those beautiful legs instead of that asshole Mammoth.”
I cringe when he says his name. I didn’t tell Mammoth I was coming here. I knew he’d be pissed, and even though I knew I should’ve at least mentioned I was making the trip, I still didn’t bother to open that can of worms. I’ll tell him tomorrow and deal with the consequences of his disappointment or maybe anger. But Crow was a friend. Sure, I showed up at the compound looking for him and not Mammoth, but I most certainly ended up with th
e right man.
“What’s wrong with Mammoth?” I lift my chin, feeling the need to defend the man who’s not here to defend himself.
“He doesn’t deserve you.”
“And you do?” I cross one arm over my chest, twisting my lips to stop myself from saying anything more.
He lifts his hand, the wings on his skin on full display before he pushes his fingers back through his hair. “I don’t.” He blows out a long, ragged breath. “I’m a complete piece of shit, but he doesn’t deserve you either. You should stay away from a man like him, babe. You’re too strong for him. You’re too badass to be kept down by a controlling pervert like him.”
“Controlling pervert?” I raise an eyebrow. I’m pretty sure both of those words could be used to describe Crow and just about every man on the planet.
“He’s into some kinky shit. Some shit you wouldn’t be into. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Now you’re concerned for my safety?”
Crow looks around before there’s a muffled voice in the background of his line I can’t quite make out. “I only have a minute or two left. So, let me talk, and you just listen.”
I nod because there’s no time for a smartass reply, and I’ll never see him again. At least not for another five years at a minimum.
“I’m sorry I was a jerk. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry I turned you away that night. I’m sorry for so many things when it comes to you. I’m sorry I listened to Pike and didn’t take what you were offering, but I want you to know…” He covers the receiver and yells something across the room before locking eyes with me again. “I never meant to hurt you, Tamara. Write me sometime, kid. Remind me of the good things in life. Can you do that?”
I nod as tears start to fill my eyes. I don’t know why I’m crying. It’s not like we had a thing. He was an acquaintance at best, and we only spent a handful of hours together, but I still feel bad for him. “I will, Crow. I’ll write to you.”
He slides back in his chair before standing. “Fuckin’ Mammoth.” He shakes his head as he gives his hands to the prison guard. “That asshole doesn’t deserve you, babe. When you see that side of him I’m worried about start to come out, you run, babe. Run far.”