by Lois Richer
I wish I’d eaten my pride ages ago, but now it’s too late. I’m too ill to come and find you. I’m in hospice and there are days I can hardly lift my head. I can barely hug Eli, so I tell him that I love him and that one day you’ll come for him. I don’t know where you are, Gabe, but I pray that somehow God will bring you and our child together. God is my best friend now. You’re the one who first introduced us, remember? My favorite Bible verse is, “He hath made everything beautiful in His time.” God will do that with you and Eli, I know it. Forget about me and how I ruined things between us and concentrate on this wonderful little boy who needs your love so badly. He needs a dad, too, and I know you’ll be a great father. Love him, Gabe.
While I’ve been ill I had to let my sister care for Eli, but please don’t leave our son with Kathy. He has a tender soul and she’ll crush him, just as she did me at that age. Contact the lawyer on the card I’ve included. On my death you’ll receive permanent custody of Eli. I so wish I would have told you this in person, but since I can’t, this is from my heart. Please, I beg you, love our son. Even if you never forgive me, Gabe, love Eli. He desperately needs you.
Eve
Sitting on his bed in his bunkhouse that evening, Gabe reread Eve’s letter several times. Every time he did, the knot of bitterness inside him wound tighter. Simple for Eve to say she was sorry. She was gone. She didn’t have to face him; she’d never answer for what she’d done. But he’d lost almost six years of his son’s life, six years when he could have watched Eli learn to walk, to talk, call him Daddy, share baby kisses and birthdays.
Forget the past. Focus on Eli, his logical brain ordered. Probably good advice, but Gabe doubted he could ever forget or forgive Eve for what she’d done.
So now what?
Lips pursed, he folded Eve’s letter and slid it back into its envelope. He selected a new envelope and wrote Kathy’s address on it. He filled out a check, signed it and slid it inside. Then he added a note. Use this for whatever you need. A father should be responsible for his kid’s expenses. Better late than never. He sealed the envelope and set it on a shelf, ready to mail.
Eve’s letter went into a small bronze box with a lid that Gabe snapped shut before shoving it into a drawer. Though the letter was hidden from his sight, it felt vividly alive in his seething brain.
Head and heart aching, Gabe went outside and sank onto the step, peering into the half-lit sky. Summer nights in the mountains never really got dark. Sunset and sunrise would meet soon. What would tomorrow hold?
“I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord. Thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an unexpected end.” That verse had been Gabe’s life’s motto for years.
You’ve known about all of this for a long time, Lord. But I’m stunned, he prayed silently. I’ve tried to follow You as best I can, but—a son? I never imagined—show me the best way to win his heart. Show me how to be Eli’s father, Lord.
Gabe prayed until there were no more words left. But nervous worry, concern that he’d mess up and perhaps hurt this little boy he didn’t even know, plus uncertainty about his suddenly shifting world, did not abate.
His pastor’s Sunday-morning sermons last winter had been all about trusting God. Gabe had been so certain he’d been doing that. But Eli’s appearance today had rocked his world and shaken his faith. Almost six years—why had Eve done it? But more importantly, why had God let her? How could he trust God now?
Because a sense of futility hung over him, Gabe shifted his thoughts toward practicalities. How would he know what kind of a place to get for Eli?
Olivia’s image flickered through his brain. She didn’t seem to hesitate when making decisions. Maybe he could lean on her, let her take the lead in this house-hunting business. After all, she’d grown up at The Haven, certainly the best home in the area. She’d know all the things a good home should have.
The knot inside Gabe eased. Yeah, he’d follow Olivia’s lead. Could it be that’s why God had brought her back at this particular time? To be a friend? To help him?
Startled by awareness that he was allowing a pretty woman he barely knew to become so involved in his personal life, in direct opposition to everything he’d resolved after Eve’s departure and in the years since, Gabe’s brain whirled. He’d take Olivia’s help, he decided, but he would not allow anything more than friendship between them, because though she was very attractive, romance wasn’t for him. Never again would he let himself be that vulnerable.
When he finally retired, sleep was elusive because Gabe knew that no matter how great Olivia was at organizing things, the fact remained that Eli was not a ranch kid. He’d even shied away from Spot and Dot, the Spenser sisters’ mild-tempered dogs. What would happen when the kid met a horse?
Horses were Gabe’s world.
Were. But now he had a son. With whom he had nothing in common.
* * *
“This could be doable.” The following day Gabe tilted back on his cowboy boot heels, surveyed the interior of the tiny rental house he’d been told about and gulped.
“You’re kidding, right?” Olivia bristled with indignation. “You and Eli would have no time to spend together because you’d be constantly repairing something.”
“It’s a rental, Olivia,” he muttered. “They’re supposed to look after all the maintenance.”
“Looks like they’re doing a bang-up job,” she muttered in disgust, flicking a finger against the peeling countertop, nudging a toe against a loose floorboard and obviously struggling not to inhale the overwhelming odor of too many cats. “Come on, Eli. Let’s get out of here,” she muttered, and headed out the door, stumbling on the faulty step.
Gabe steadied her before following to stand beside her in the long grass outside, next to Eli, who studied the tilted bilious green house with disapproval.
“That house stinks,” his son said, the first words he’d spoken since he’d climbed into Gabe’s truck after lunch.
“We’ll clean it out,” Gabe assured him, striving for a positive tone.
“Not without removing the carpets, curtains and wallpaper, which is what I like to call a gut job.” Obviously repelled, Olivia strode toward the truck. “Moving on.”
So they did move on. And again, several times. After the fourth house, Gabe began to lose hope in his wobbly dream of a home for his son. Olivia found problems with every single rental they viewed. Not that the problems weren’t there. They were, and Gabe knew it. But he had to find a place if he was going to keep Eli with him, if he was going to be a real father.
“Can we stop for coffee, please?” Olivia licked her lips. “I need a break.”
“Sure.” Gabe pulled up in front of the local diner, shoved the gearshift into Park and climbed out. He reached to help Eli, but the boy veered away from him and exited on Olivia’s side. It was one of several signs that Gabe interpreted to mean his son was upset with him, though he couldn’t figure out exactly why that should be.
Inside Olivia chose the best booth in the place, halfway between the entrance and the kitchen with a street view. It was like her to have automatically selected the best one, Gabe thought. She seemed to possess an inner ability that almost unconsciously prioritized every decision she made. Maybe it came from her years of working for the military.
He paused to admire her in the stream of sunshine. She looked lovely. Efficiently lovely, he corrected. Her navy slacks and coordinating navy-and-white sweater set were perfect for an afternoon of house hunting. Businesslike casual, Gabe would have termed it.
As usual, her hair covered the left side of her face to fall over the scar and tuck under her jaw. For a minute he wondered about that scar and how it had gotten there. Then her glossy dark hair recaptured his attention. On the other side of her face it entwined behind her ear revealing silver-hooped earrings, a perfect complement to the two thin silver chains around h
er slim neck. Her rust-brown boots looked like they’d be comfortable in whatever terrain they happened upon.
“Do you want milk to drink?” she asked Eli.
“Pop.” Eli didn’t seem to be requesting.
Olivia glanced at Gabe. He nodded at the server and waited until Olivia ordered coffee, then requested a cup for himself.
“And a large plate of fries, please,” he added.
“You’re hungry already?” Olivia’s eyes stretched wide. She checked the slim silver watch on her wrist. “Lunch was only an hour ago.”
“Didn’t get any lunch. One of the riders decided he didn’t want his lesson to end.” Gabe smirked. “But Betsey didn’t like it when the kid dug his heels into her side and wouldn’t get off. She decided his ride was over.”
“What happened?” Eli blinked as if he’d surprised himself with the question.
“Betsey, uh, let him down.” Gabe winked at Eli.
“She bucked him off?” Eli’s eyes grew huge.
Gabe was about to launch into a full-fledged tale of the event when Olivia cleared her throat. He glanced at her. She shook her head, just once.
“The trail riding horses at the Double M don’t buck off their riders. Do they?” she asked Gabe pointedly.
“Uh, no. They’re way better trained than that.” Gabe smiled at the boy. “Betsey just moved against the rails and rubbed so he had to let go and slide off. But he pretended he was hurt so we had to get him checked out. That was my lunch hour.”
“Oh.” Eli frowned as he considered that.
“Would you like to learn to ride, Eli?” Olivia smiled as their server brought their drinks and a huge plate of golden fries.
“Uh-uh. Horses are huge.” Eli helped himself to a fry after Gabe nudged the plate toward him. “How old were you?” he asked his father.
“When I first rode a horse?” It was the first time his son had addressed him directly. Gabe tried to conceal his pleasure and treat the question matter-of-factly. “I was raised on a ranch, Eli. My dad told me he first put me on a horse when I was two. But I don’t remember that,” he added lest the boy feel intimated.
This fatherhood thing was treacherous. A guy had to be so careful not to say the wrong thing. What should he say next? While he thought it over, Gabe squirted ketchup on the edge of the plate and dipped his fries into it, hoping his stomach would stop that embarrassing growling. He hid his smile when Eli copied his actions by dipping into the ketchup, too.
“Not everyone rides the full-size horses, Eli. There are miniature horses at the Double M, just your size,” Gabe explained. “Francie and Franklyn like to ride them.”
Eli thought that over as he ate more fries.
“What kind of things would you like in the house you live in, Eli?” Olivia’s question startled Gabe, but then he figured it was probably one he should have asked himself. Maybe the kid had preferences.
“Windows.” Eli popped another fry into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. “So I can see to draw.”
“You like to draw.” Olivia nodded. “I see. What else would you like?”
“Grass. Mine.” Eli fell silent for a moment. The sad look he gave Olivia tore at Gabe’s heart. “Not just a park.”
“It’s not the same, is it? I lived in an apartment in Ottawa and I loved the park, but having your own yard is way better. Did your aunt have a yard?” she asked nonchalantly.
Not nonchalantly enough, Gabe figured, watching Eli’s face close like a clamshell.
“No.” Eli said nothing else.
And here I’ve lived my life surrounded by grass. I could have... Inside Gabe the nugget of bitterness toward Eve hardened.
“Too bad.” Olivia sipped her coffee. “What other things would you like, Eli?”
“Nobody beside us?” Eli peeked sideways at her, as if he doubted this could be accomplished.
“You mean no neighbors?” When he nodded, she added, “You don’t like neighbors?”
“Yelling.”
Was it fear that made the kid’s eyes so huge? Gabe wondered.
“I don’t like yelling, either. What about a pet? A cat maybe?” Olivia ignored Gabe’s vigorously shaking head.
What was the woman doing? A house, a kid and pets? Gabe cleared his throat, but she ignored him.
“No cat,” Eli said firmly.
“Okay. A dog? A horse?” she added, even though Gabe shook his head.
“A canary. I like canaries.” Eli licked the ketchup off his fingers, then dug in his pocket. “Like this.” His small fingers spread out a sheet of paper on the table to reveal a carefully drawn canary with even the tiny claws sketched out.
“Eli, this is beautiful.” Olivia leaned nearer to study the delicate strokes. “Did you used to have a canary?”
“Aunt Kathy did. It died.” The words sounded ominous.
“It’s a very good drawing,” Gabe said quietly. “So you like to draw birds?”
“Uh-huh.” Suddenly Eli came alive. “In the house?” he said in a rushed tone.
The house, not my house or our house, Gabe noted. “Yes?”
“Could I get one of those seats in front of a window to sit and look out? An’ maybe a tree?” he added wistfully. “Then when birds come an’ sit in the tree, I could draw ’em. I really like drawing birds.”
“We’ll put that on the list.” Gabe pulled out a small notebook he kept tucked in his shirt pocket. He opened it to a fresh page and dutifully noted window seat, canary and tree. “They’re such small things to want,” he said softly to Olivia, who was watching him.
“And such important things,” she agreed with a funny smile that half mocked, half shared. Then she said briskly, “That was great coffee. Ready to start looking again, Eli?”
“’Kay.” He drank the rest of his soda, ate one more ketchup-laden fry, wiped his fingers carefully on a napkin and then slid out of the booth.
After a rest stop they were back in the truck. Gabe felt a little better about this search now that Eli finally seemed interested, but everything they saw was too small or too dirty or out of his price range.
“I’m sorry,” Olivia said as she watched Eli climb back into the truck. “I guess Chokecherry Hollow is such a small town that there aren’t many rentals. I should have realized that. Just for curiosity sake, let’s drive past the Realtor’s office and see what’s in the For Sale window.”
“Sure.” Gabe had already checked the advertisements in the huge picture windows last night, but he pulled up to the curb anyway.
“Maybe we’ll see something here that will suit,” Olivia murmured.
Gabe doubted that. Most all the ads were for massive spreads with fancy homes and lots of cattle, starting well above seven figures. Way beyond his means. But he would look with her because he knew Olivia well enough now to know she’d insist they leave no stone unturned in their search. Since Eli had fallen asleep, Olivia eased free of him, stepped out of the truck and quietly closed her door. Gabe did the same. They met in front of the windows.
“I had no clue ranch land sold for this much,” Olivia gasped after scanning the display, obviously taken aback by the prices.
“They’re big spreads. I wouldn’t be able to work at the Double M and manage so much land or cattle,” Gabe told her.
“You don’t want to raise your own herd?” She looked at him with those big silver-gray eyes, as if trying to fathom why he would settle for less than his own animals.
“It takes a while to build a really good herd and lots of money to cover the lean years so, no, I don’t. But it’s mainly because my interest has always been horses.” He shrugged, adding before she could question him, “That also takes lots of cash and time to build your stock.”
“I see.” She turned back to survey the window once more. A long time passed before she finally faced him. “There
’s nothing here for us?”
Us. He liked the sound of that. As if he wasn’t alone in this new and uncertain world. But only because she’s a friend, his brain reminded.
Olivia frowned at him, waiting for a response.
Gabe simply shook his head. Together they walked to the truck. He held her door until she was inside, then gently closed it. Once he was behind the wheel again he looked at her.
“I guess that’s it,” he muttered.
“You’re giving up already?” She glared at him, eyes shooting silver sparks. “We’ve only been looking for what?” She checked her watch. “Three hours. And you still need a place to live with your son. Let’s go for a drive.”
“A drive?” He wanted to ask why, but faced with her implacable glare, Gabe obediently shifted into gear. “Where to?”
“In the country,” was her only directive.
That was fine by Gabe. He never tired of the densely verdant rolling hills, thickets of green trees, lush meadows and rocky peaks where granite foundations thrust into the light.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Olivia breathed reverently. “Ottawa’s lovely, too, but I never realized how much I’ve missed all these wide-open spaces.”
“Quite a Creator we have,” Gabe agreed.
“Look at that house, nestled against the hillside. It has a wonderful view.”
“That’s the Browns’ place, Evensong. Not much more than a few acres now.” Sadness crept through Gabe. “They bought a big spread five years ago to live out their retirement dream, but they’ve been slowly selling off bits of land to neighbors. Since Mrs. Brown got sick Art just can’t handle it all and look after her.”
“Mavis? Isn’t that her name?” Olivia smiled at his nod. “I think the aunties mentioned this morning that she’s having treatment in Edmonton.”
“Yeah. Would you mind if we stopped for a few minutes? I’d like to see if there’s anything Art needs help with. I think he’s home today to catch up.”
Relieved when Olivia nodded her agreement, Gabe pulled into the yard. He usually stopped over to check the few head of cattle grazing in the pasture and sometimes curried the last two horses the Browns owned. The house looked worse than usual in the bright sunlight. It sure could use a coat of paint. Maybe he could manage that this summer. Somehow.