“This is like another nightmare for me. I used to dream that I killed people with a sword. I mean, in my dream, it was actually me plunging the sword into bodies. I could feel the resistance of the blade as I drove it into the lifeless torsos. It is so hard to accept because I wasn’t just dreaming, I’ve actually done those things, killed those people. I often thought that if my nightmares became any more vivid, then I would be able to piece them together and get the whole story. Well, here it is!” she exclaimed, her arms indicating the conflict around her. “I wish they had have just been nightmares.”
She turned her back to Kaden because she felt her eyes well up. She continued watching the skilled warrior who wielded so much power, who looked exactly the same as her, who was supposed to be her. Cecily did not recognise anything about herself in this other person. She felt the time had come. She needed to know exactly who and what she was supposed to be. She turned back to Kaden who was smiling at her encouragingly. She thought he was probably expecting the question.
“Who am I, Kaden?” She closed her eyes and braced herself for Kaden’s reply.
“You are a goddess, Cec. You are Mother Earth.”
Chapter 26
Cecily could just not help herself and she burst out laughing with an explosive belly laugh. The pressure and the shock of the last few days must have finally got to her. When she realised that Kaden was not laughing along and he had a stern look on his face, she tried to compose herself. She felt like a naughty school girl being reprimanded by her teacher for being silly in class.
“It’s true,” said Kaden, a bit too seriously for Cecily’s liking. “You’ll see when you get your memory back and the sooner the better if you ask me. This is not a joke, Cecily.”
A red mist descended on Cecily and she snapped. Shouting at Kaden, she said, “I am a human girl! Plain old Cecily Stalks from the small village of Bramblegate! That warrior is not me! I’m sorry, but you’ve got the wrong person!”
Cecily thought that her face must have been flaming as all her rage and anger at everything that had happened since her father’s death erupted from her like boiling, bubbling lava from a volcano. It seemed Kaden had plenty of anger in equal measure as he now started to yell, which was uncharacteristic for him.
“Cecily Stalks, whether you like it or not, you are a goddess; the Earth Mother, Gaia, Mother Nature, Terra, Parvati, Mother Goddess or whatever other names the humans want to call you by. You are NOT a human! You are immortal! Your spirit is anchored inside a human casing, but your very essence is goddess!”
“Gods and goddesses belong in myths and stories. They live in the sky, not down here whiling their time away as humans, waiting around just in case they are needed!” screeched Cecily.
Their argument was becoming quite heated and she expected the battle surrounding them to stop at any minute and watch the proceedings.
“How would you know?” yelled Kaden. “You can’t remember! Don’t make a mockery of who you are! You are the heart of the Earth and the protector of this plane. The sooner you remember the better! You have a responsibility, Cec. You can’t just pick and choose what you want to be. You are a servant of the Light. Look!” he barked, turning her round by her arm quite forcibly.
Cecily had to sidestep to avoid a collision with a duelling pair, the battle coming a bit too close for comfort.
“That is you. Look at your strength and agility. Look at your amazing combat skills; they are second to none. Look how you wield your magic. That is you, Cecily Stalks!”
Kaden’s tone had now softened and as a result of this kindness, Cecily broke down, sobbing violently.
Through her tears, Cecily managed to say, “I can’t cope with all of this! I’m just a normal girl who has lost her whole family and I’ve been thrown into this strange world I’ve no hope of ever understanding!” She began to pace up and down, throwing her arms around wildly in expression as she spoke. “I should have the worries of a normal eighteen-year-old, like my boyfriend dumping me, like I hate my job, like is anyone at home even missing me?” Her tears were once more convulsive as she added, “I should not be trying to work out how to be a goddess! I don’t even know who I am anymore!”
It suddenly dawned on Cecily that her father had been preparing her for the truth about her identity all along, through the stories he told.
“Cec, this is the extremes of human emotion that I was telling you about. I know that right now it is hard to have perspective. You have been bombarded by this new world and with the reality of who you really are. Naturally, you are angry, but it will get better once your memory comes back. You will have a better handle on your mental state. And I promise, I will do everything I can to help you.”
Cecily was still mildly weeping as she heard the familiar voices of Fen and Sol approach from behind her.
“Hi, you two!” she heard Sol say. “Right in the thick of all the action, I see! Gosh, I remember this battle like it was yesterday!”
As Cecily turned around to greet them, she immediately saw the concerned look on Fen’s face.
“What happened? Are you OK, Cec?”
All Cecily could muster was a nod. She did not want to embarrass herself further with more violent sobbing.
“You’ve been crying! Kaden, what’s wrong with her?”
Kaden looked at Cecily, giving her the opportunity to answer, but she turned away.
“Cec has just discovered her origin and she is finding it a bit hard to accept.”
“Oh Cec,” said Fen, walking over to her and placing a comforting arm around her shoulder. “You will be OK. As soon as your memory comes back, it will all make sense.”
Cecily snapped once more. She knew she was taking out her frustrations on her friends.
“I’m sick of hearing that everything will become clear and that I will understand as soon as I remember. I already have a memory and a perfectly good one at that, thank you very much! I don’t want to remember that!” And with a sharp nod of her head, she indicated warrior Cecily, who had just sliced a man’s head off for nicking her arm with his sword.
“You have to stop fighting it, Cecily,” said Sol, who had now joined the girls on Cecily’s other side. “You are who you are.”
“We’ve not experienced this before, that is, one of us remaining deactivated, so we don’t really know what to do. You have to try, Cec. I promise you, that is you,” said Fen, as she gestured towards the other Cecily. “Everything Kaden has told you is true. We need you, Cec. We need you to remember.” Fen was pleading.
“Right, well at this moment, this is like having an out of body experience. I can see someone who looks like me, but I feel no connection to her whatsoever. I cannot imagine myself as that!” she spat, petulantly. “How will I even know when this reactivation happens? What will it feel like?” She wondered if the fear was evident in her voice and she felt vulnerable.
“Well, it’s a bit like double vision,” explained Sol. When reactivation occurs, it’s like everything comes into clear focus again. The human life you have just been living feels like a dream as you remember everything you truly are and your real purpose. You feel the Light and embrace it; it is part of you. You feel strong and gain clarity. It is a wonderful thing and a privilege to be a warrior of Light.”
“Does it hurt?”
“Not at all! It’s empowering! You are you again! Let it in Cec, don’t be afraid.”
Sol slapped her on the back a little too enthusiastically, causing her to stumble.
“Where are Jedd, Elisabeth and the Brambles?” Kaden asked Sol.
“We left them at Bramble Hall. The kids seem to have come out of shock, but now they can’t stop crying. The whole family is a mess. Thankfully, most of Bramble Hall’s inhabitants from this time are out, probably fighting here, except for the odd person wandering about. It is frightening for the Brambles. It’s a hard concept to understand. We all managed to change though,” he added, pointing to his own attire for demonstration purposes, �
��and we ate a bit of food.”
“Come on,” said Kaden. “I think we’ve seen enough for today. Let’s go back to Bramble Hall.”
“But I haven’t seen myself in action yet!” complained Sol. He was clearly disappointed.
Cecily tutted and stormed passed her three friends. She did not think that war and killing people should be something to be proud of. She walked slightly ahead of the others on the way back to Bramble Hall. They must have decided to give her some space as they did not try to speak to her again. The truth was that Cecily was no closer to remembering and in any case, she had not liked what she had seen. All the violence and gore had made her queasy. Not only that, but the battle was like a version of her nightmares and she felt it had set her back, seeing this place. What was Kaden thinking, bringing her here? Seeing her other self on the battlefield doing all those terrible things made her want to remember even less, so she decided she was going to do everything possible to keep her current memory intact. They would just have to stop Dasrus without her.
By the time they all got back to Bramble Hall, they were damp and muddy. The structure of this Bramble Hall was far smaller and far simpler that its counterpart in the future. The approach to the manor house was a mud track, much like the one in the village, only better maintained. It had a downstairs and an upstairs visible from the front of the building; however, the addition of the two wings must have happened later. As the friends entered through the heavy, wooden front door, Cecily looked both left and right. They were in the Great Hall, only it was one huge room with a roaring fire at either end. In subsequent years, each end of this hall would be partitioned off to make the dining room, parlour and the drawing room. The grand staircase still stood in the middle of the Great Hall, which Cecily hoped led to bedrooms, because she was exhausted. She thought how much more luxurious the manor was, even in medieval times, compared to the cottage. The windows were small, but they had glass in them; the house had chimneys, which meant that the atmosphere was not thick with smoke and rich tapestries made of wool lined the stone walls.
Cecily was glad of the blazing fires that now burned and she made her way to one end of the Great Hall, where Jedd and Elisabeth were watching over the Bramble family. Cecily pulled her long boots off and tossed them to one side, resolving to clean the mud from them later. She then sat herself by the fire in a beautifully upholstered chair with an oak frame and hoped that she would soon dry off. The Bramble family were all huddled together. Lady Bramble sat on a chair similar to Cecily’s and the children sat on small stools at her side. They were dozing. Cecily had not even acknowledged Jedd and Elisabeth and they were now looking at her quizzically.
“Well?” asked Elisabeth. “Did it work? Do you have your memory back?”
“No, thankfully,” replied Cecily, rather curtly.
At that moment, Kaden, Fen and Sol walked in and even though her back was to her five friends, she felt one of those looks pass between them. Cecily was exhausted. She had not slept for a couple of days. Pure adrenaline must have been carrying her through. But now, as she sat in the chair by the hot, smoky fire, she found it hard to keep her eyes open and so she stopped resisting and drifted off into a troubled sleep.
***
Cecily awoke to the sound of clattering plates and wooden benches scraping the floor. She had no idea how long she had been asleep for. As she craned her neck around the chair, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she saw that everyone, including the Brambles, were up and about and preparing the ornately carved wooden table for dinner. She was not complaining as she had woken up famished. As she moved across the floor to where she had flung her boots, she felt the eyes of her friends boring into her back. She turned to look at them, boots in hand, to find them staring expectantly.
“Still me!” she said sarcastically and with disappointed looks, they continued with their business.
“Do you need any help?” she called over to Elisabeth, who was placing a rather delicious looking pie onto the table.
“No, it’s OK. You stay there,” replied Elisabeth. Although she sounded sweet enough, Cecily could still detect resentment.
She found a shoe brush on the mantelpiece and so she sat down and drew her comfortable chair a bit closer to the fire, where she began brushing the mud from her boots into the hearth. The fire had died down somewhat, so she was more than comfortable to sit in such close proximity to it, although she still felt her face reddening from the warm charcoal.
About ten minutes later, Lady Bramble announced that dinner was served. They hungrily tucked into a hearty meal of pigeon pie and bread and cheese, with a choice of wine or water to wash it down with. Cecily opted for a goblet of wine. She did not want to get drunk, but she hoped the wine would send her off into a pleasant slumber. The conversation at the dinner table was stunted and it was Kaden who kept it going with small talk, although he was not really able to engage anyone. The mood was definitely solemn.
When her stomach was full, Cecily gave it a pat and said, “That was lovely! Where did you find the food?”
“In the kitchen,” replied Kaden.
She was about to ask if it would be missed, but then she remembered that this day in history had already passed and so it would not matter.
“Well, thank you,” said Cecily, not forgetting her manners.
Kaden and Fen gathered up the dirty plates and goblets and carried them away in the direction of what must have been the kitchen. As she had not contributed to the meal in any way, Cecily thought she had better help clean up and so she took the remains of the bread and cheese and followed Kaden and Fen to the kitchen. She went out of a doorway on the far side of the grand staircase and she had to balance the plates as she walked down the many stairs. The kitchen was obviously still in the basement.
As she came upon the kitchen door, she heard Fen and Kaden whispering and the door had been pushed to, probably to prevent anyone from listening in on their hushed conversation. Cecily stood close to the gap, but flat against the wall so they would not see her.
“Everyone is getting impatient,” she heard Fen say in a whisper. “The others can’t understand why reactivation hasn’t happened yet.”
“She just needs a bit of time,” replied Kaden. “It will happen.”
“We don’t have time, Kaden! And it’s miserable here! Yes, we are safe, but the Brambles want to go home and they desperately need a visit from the Purification Unit to help them with their grief. Also, there is the small matter of Dasrus. He needs to be stopped! We can’t just while the time away here waiting for Cec to remember who she is. We don’t have that luxury!”
“I’m sure it won’t be long now,” reasoned Kaden. “We can afford a day or two more here. Remember, she is still human at the moment. It has been hard on her, this revelation.”
“I know,” said Fen, “and I’m not trying to be unsympathetic. It’s just she is no good to us as a human. If she hasn’t reactivated by the morning, I think you should go and seek advice from the Wise Ones.”
Cecily had heard enough. She charged into the kitchen, slammed the plates of leftover food onto the wooden bench and ran up the stairs. She could hear Kaden and Fen shouting apologies, begging her to come back so they could explain, but she did not stop until she had reached the landing on the first floor, where she hoped the bedrooms would be.
She walked to the very end of the landing and poked her head around the door that stood there. When she saw it was empty, she made her way inside. She saw a wardrobe and matching dressing table made of heavy, dark wood. In the centre of the room was a bed, with red curtains hanging around it. As she pulled back the curtains, she unsettled some dust which made her sneeze. She found the bed was made of the same dark wood as the wardrobe and dressing table. Cecily decided that she would not sleep in the bed, just in case any inhabitants of the medieval period decided to join her. Instead, she took the bedding and made herself a comfortable bed on the floor in the corner, out of the way.
She thought a
bout the whispered conversation between Kaden and Fen and found herself getting annoyed again. No use to them as she was now? Obviously her friendship meant nothing. Tomorrow, she was going to demand that Kaden take her home and she was going to get as far away from Bramblegate as humanly possible. Maybe she would even go overseas. One thing she was sure of though, she was determined to remain plain old Cecily Stalks and if her friends did not like that, it was tough. They would have to figure out what to do about Dasrus by themselves.
Just as Cecily was about to settle down, there was a knock at the door. She contemplated ignoring it, but she feared that whoever was out there would persist. She walked over to the door, opened it marginally and peered through the gap. It was Jedd.
“Sorry to disturb you, Cec,” he said rather jovially. “I’ve just come to see if you’re all right,” he continued as he muscled his way inside.
“I’m fine, thanks. In fact, I was just about to try and get some sleep, so if you wouldn’t mind?” Cecily gestured to the door, but Jedd did not seem to notice.
“You know, it doesn’t matter to me whether you remember or not. I still feel the same way about you.”
“Erm, thanks Jedd… I think,” she added as an afterthought, not knowing if that was a good or a bad thing.
“I see you for who you really are, whether that is Cecily Stalks or Gaea, Mother Earth. I see into your soul.”
Cecily felt uncomfortable and quite intimated as his large bulky frame towered above her. His steely grey eyes bore into hers.
“I’m quite tired, Jedd. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
However, Jedd did not seem to hear her. “Before our last deactivation, Cec, I told you things, important stuff. Only deactivation happened before you could give me an answer. When I was born again into this lifetime, I found that I was still activated. I remembered everything. It was torture for me as until you were reactivated, I would never know if you felt the same way. So I had to find a way to bring about reactivation and give us all a reason to become Cerbereans once more.”
Blackout Page 20