by Hannah Meade
She smiles and I can see her eyes getting a little teary-eyed too. "Yeah. We can go home."
I link my arm with hers and walk out of the party with my head held high. I never look back.
Nine
I break down as soon as I get home. I try so hard to keep it in, but the events of the night just wear me down.
I make it all the way to the door before I slump back against the wall and the tears just start flowing.
Emily comes to my rescue, holding me up before I can crash to the floor in a puddle of my own tears. "Just let it out, Mia. It is okay. You did it. You faced them."
I make a laugh-hiccup noise. "Yeah. I did," I stutter out before the tears fall again.
After an hour of trying to soothe me herself, Emily said she will go find Marcus. She does not want to leave me alone but I just wave her on, telling her she will be back in a minute anyway. I did find it kind of weird that Marcus did not even hear me balling my eyes out down here. I mean, he must have heard the front door open at least.
Emily comes back five minutes later, a confused look on her face. "He is not here."
That shuts me up. "What? He said he would be here when I got back." I stand up and, not bothering to fix myself up a bit, run to my bedroom. Nothing. I try the bathroom. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Where is he?
I guess I should have noticed something was up when his car was not even in the driveway.
I run back downstairs, fresh tears streaming down my face. "He is not here, Em. His car is not here. He packed up all his stuff he brought here. He told me he would be here when I got back. What if something happened to him?" I know I am hyperventilating. I suddenly cannot catch my breath.
Emily grabs ahold of my shoulders and shakes me. "Snap out of it, Mia. Just call him. I am sure nothing happened to him."
I take a deep breath and nod. "Yeah. Yeah. You are right. I am just freaking out over nothing." I pull out my phone and dial his number.
It rings.
And rings.
And rings.
And goes to voicemail.
"He did not pick up, Em. What if something did happen to him? Oh, my god. He could be lying in a ditch somewhere and I am standing here moping about my shitty parents. Emily, we have to go look for him." I am already grabbing my purse and keys before Emily can even respond.
"Mia, we do not even know where to look. He could be like thirty miles out of town. You just need to calm down. Maybe his phone died and he is stuck at some restaurant or something with a dead phone."
I shake my head. "No. He...He would have called me somehow. He would have let me know where he is somehow. This is not like him. Something happened. I need to go look for him." Emily tries to grab my hands, but I pull back. "I am going with or without you."
I stare her down, letting her know I am dead serious.
I can see in her eyes that she knows she is defeated. "Fine. Whatever. But I am driving." She swipes my keys from the counter, and I follow her out the door.
"So, we can just drive along the highway or something and keep an eye out for a car in the ditch or on fire or whatever."
Emily rolls her eyes. "That is your plan? Just keep driving down the highway in search of a car in the ditch? I am not wasting gas if this guy is actually fine and not in a ditch somewhere. Try calling him again before we leave."
I sigh, knowing this is a waste of time. But I dial anyway just to make Emily happy.
And he still does not answer. I hold out my phone to Emily to prove it to her. "See? He is not answering. Now can we go?"
Emily just nods and heads for the door, which swings open right before we reach it. She stumbles back toward me, causing me to fall on my butt.
"Ow! What the hell, Em?" I look past her, at Marcus standing in the doorway. He is all dressed up and has a bouquet of flowers in his arms. "Marcus." I scramble up off the floor and run straight into his arms. "Where have you been? I thought something happened to you."
Marcus hugs me back, a confused look on his face. "What do you mean? I just went out to get you some flowers for when you got back. Did you guys get home early?" He leans back a little and notices my red-rimmed eyes. "Have you been crying? What is wrong?"
I wipe tears, happy tears, which are forming in my eyes, and laugh. "Well, how do you think it went if I came home crying?"
Marcus pulls me to his chest. He feels safe. I need safe right now. "Oh, Mia. Do you want to talk about it while we have a cuddle party?"
I look up at him weirdly. "A cuddle party, really?" Then it dawns on me. "Oh, my gosh. You watched Finding Dory. You told me that looked stupid and you were not going to be caught dead watching it."
He grins. "My aunt bribed me with ice cream if I took the kids. How could I say no to that?"
I swat him on the chest. "I do not know if I want to have a cuddle party with you anymore." I pretend to pout, sticking my bottom lip out so far, he leans down and gently tugs on it. I look him in the eye and reach up to meet my lips with his.
In between our kiss, Marcus whispers, "We do not have to just cuddle, you know."
I can feel the blush that is creeping up on my cheeks. "Then what are we standing here for?" I interlace my fingers with his and lead him to the stairs, completely forgetting Emily is still here.
"Yeah, take it up to your room. It is not like there is another person in this house who has to witness you two lip locking with each other."
I can tell she is rolling her eyes at us. To be fair, Marcus and I do seem to make out a lot. Especially when Emily is home. But she is always home. What are we supposed to do? It never goes any farther than kissing anyway, exempt a few special occasions when Emily is not home.
"Babe, can we actually reschedule this little party? I need to be somewhere."
I would be lying if I said I was not a little disappointed. I really need him tonight and here he is, ditching me for the second time. But I put on a smile for Marcus's benefit. "Sure. No problem."
Marcus leans down and plants a kiss on my lips. "Be safe, babe."
I look up at him, confused. "Safe from what? My parents? I doubt I have to worry about them."
He just chuckles. "No, not from your parents." And without any clue as to what he is talking about, he walks downstairs and leaves.
I look over at Emily, who is already stuffing her face with chocolate.
"Hey, Em. Did Marcus seem weird to you?"
"Apart from the fact that he said he was out getting you flowers and interestingly did not have any flowers in his hand? No. Perfectly normal."
She is right. So, where was he actually? Should I be worried? Did he say anything about not answering my calls? "Did he pick up his phone on the way or something? When he came downstairs?"
"Nope."
That means he has to have his phone with him. So why did not he answer any of my calls?
"Oh, by the way, your mom texted me. She said she wanted to talk to you, but you were not picking up your phone."
I know very well that my mom has called me. "Tell her to shove her stupid apologies up her ass. I do not want to hear them."
Emily turns back toward me and sighs. "Mia, just call them."
"Why are you on their side? Earlier, you were so proud of me for standing up to them and telling them what I have always wanted to tell them. And now you are siding with them?"
She just shrugs. "They are your parents. The next step is to hear what they have to say about it."
"You know what they did. I ruined my fucking life and they were not even there to help me piece it back together. So why the hell can you not just support me on this like you supported me back then?" I can feel my eyes watering just thinking about it. It took me years to get used to what happened and be okay with it, and all of those feelings are just coming back all at once.
I guess Emily finally understands how I am feeling about this, because she gets up and hugs me. "I am sorry, Mia. I am sorry that your parents would not help you back then, and I am sorry that th
ey had to come back in your life and then act like you ruined their life." She pauses, collecting herself before she continues. "I am really sorry that you have had to deal with so much shit in your life that you should not have had to. I wish I could do something to help you."
I look at her with an incredulous look. "Emily, you did help me. You helped me put my fucking life back together for God's sake. It is definitely not your fault that they made me feel like a disappointment once again. You have helped me once already. I think it is time for me to help myself put my life back together. You know I cannot always rely on my best friend to help me fix my messed-up life." I try to laugh away the small tears that are falling down my cheeks, but I am being serious.
Emily had helped me a lot back then and I mean a lot. She was my solid rock for a number of years. Except now, I need to be my own rock. She has her own shit to deal with and I cannot make her deal with my problems all over again. I need to deal with my own problems by myself, or I am not going to survive in the real world. "You have been more than enough help to me, but I need to help myself too. I have relied on you so much in the past. I almost feel bad for making you deal with me through all my shit I went through. For a few years, you did not really get to live your life. So, I do not want you to do that again. I need to help myself this time, and I want you to live your life and not worry about my shitty parents and shitty life."
"Mia, I want to be there for you. That is what best friends are for. I want to help you through the tough times and help you get past the shit that you are dealing with. If you want to be independent and try to help yourself through this situation with your parents, then go right ahead. But I am always going to be here for you if you get lost along the way. Always remember that." Emily gives me a reassuring smile, and with that, I know she is always going to be there for me.
But I know I can do this myself, without her. I know I can. I have to.
Nonetheless, I smile back. If only to tell her that I understand.
~~~
"Mia, come here, please."
I look up from my computer, where I had just edited through three more chapters of my book. To say I feel proud would be an understatement. I am working extremely hard and Emily just had to interrupt me. It is like she knows what I am doing and purposely makes me stop.
I walk downstairs to a smiling Emily. "What?"
"So I know you wanted to help yourself through this little issue, but I thought this might be a great start." She looks towards the kitchen and gives away our surprise guest.
"Hey, Mia. Long time no see."
"Andrew."
Ten
I give Emily a hard glare. "Can I talk to you for a second? Alone?" Without waiting for her answer, I take her by the arm and drag her into the living room.
I let her go once we are out of his earshot, a little too roughly. "Ow! What the fuck was that about?"
I lower my voice so he does not hear. "Why is he here, Emily? Why did you bring Andrew to my house?"
She knows what he did to me; she knows how I feel about him. And that is why I do not understand how she thinks this will help me.
"You need to tie up loose ends with your past or you are not going to help yourself and move on with this. You have buried these feelings deep in your heart for a while now, and they are just now coming out. Having him here allows you to let go of some of those feelings, especially the feelings about him. Talk to him and see what he has to say."
"That is not a decision you get to make, Emily. He was a big part of my life that I want to forget. I did not think about him at all after my life got put back together. And now you have to bring him back into my life again. I do not want him in my house, and I do not want him in my life again. Once was enough."
Emily sighs. "Just talk to him, Mia. You never know what will happen after that. Just take this one step at a time. Please? For me?"
I try so hard to fight it, but when she puts it like that, I am a goner. I would do anything for her. "Fine. I will talk to him. But that is it. I am not making any promises." I stalk out of the living room and back to where he is standing. I do not say anything; just stare at him.
Andrew is the first to break the silence. "So. How have you been?"
"Well, I had to put my fucking life back together, make the hardest decision I've ever had to make, then be okay before everything I tried to avoid came crashing down on me all in one week." I let all of that sink into his tiny little brain before continuing. "But other than that, I am perfectly fucking fine. How about you?"
He looks down at his feet. Good. I am glad he is embarrassed. He should be. "Look, I am so..."
I put a hand up to stop him. "Do not. You do not get to fucking come back here and try to apologize for shit you did four years ago. I do not even know why you are here. It is a waste of time. You should just go." I turn to go open the door for him when he puts a hand on my arm. I instantly recoil, remembering the last time he did that.
I can see the disappointment in his eyes when I pull away. My mind chooses that moment to remember all the things he said to me before that night; all the things we did together.
Shit. Old feelings are bubbling up that I do not want.
"Mia, please just listen to me. I need to explain why I did what I did. You deserve that much."
I sigh. Whatever. Let him explain. It is not going to change a single thing. "You have ten minutes."
"For starters, I should probably tell you that I saw our daughter a couple days ago."
"You what? How the fuck do you even know where she lives?" Andrew has no right to go search out my daughter just for his own agenda. He does not deserve to visit her after four years of missing out on her life.
He shrugs and looks down at his shoes. "I asked Emily."
I make a mental note to yell at her later. "So Emily told you where to find me and my daughter?"
Andrew nods. "I did not come here to make you angry or anything, Mimes."
My heart flutters at his old nickname for me; I used to love it when he called me that. "Then why did you come here, Andrew?"
"To apologize for every single thing I fucked up in your life; our relationship, our family, and most importantly your relationship with your parents. I know I fucked up when I... knocked you up and left right after." I have to remind myself to breathe, because it is becoming too much. I have pushed the memories down, and with Andrew here, it is all coming back up.
"I was just scared, Mia. We were seniors in high school. No one should have to be parents at that age; not when they have school to worry about. I flipped my shit when you told me you were pregnant, and I left you. That was so wrong and irresponsible of me. I left you to fend for yourself with a fucking human being growing inside of you. I am so sorry, Mia. I really am." He should be.
I take all of what he said in and ask myself if it makes a difference.
Nope. I get right up close to his face and tell him what I think about his little apology. "You think that you can just come back here after four years and say you are sorry for what you did to make it all okay? You think you can ask my best friend for my daughter's location and go find her without my fucking permission? I do not care if you are her fucking father. You do not get to re-build your life with her or whatever you are trying to accomplish here. You left. You know what that means? That means you left me to raise a child by myself. You left a child without a father. And you left me to turn to someone I barely fucking knew to help me raise that child. I had to give my own daughter up because I couldn't handle it anymore, even with Emily's help."
"She had her own life to deal with and I was not going to be that friend who made her help me out with everything. So I gave my child to a stranger, who gave her a better life than I ever could. And now I cannot even see my own daughter, because it is too fucking hard for me. It is too hard to see my child in the arms of someone else that is not mine. So do not think that for one second I am ever going to forgive you and make things right with you again. You are d
ead to me." I stare him down for a second before I run out of the room, my tears already threatening to spill over.
I make it to my room before I start hyperventilating. My throat is constricting; I cannot breathe. All of the feelings that Andrew once made me feel are just too much for me. He makes me feel so many emotions that I have tried to shut out for four years now. Now that he is back, everything I felt for him back then is weaving its way back into my heart. And I just cannot let it. I have to fight it, or I will lose all my strength I have gathered up. I will fall apart again.
I hear a knock at my door awhile later. I groggily sit up and rub the sleep out of my eyes. "Who is it?"
"Mia, unlock the fucking door. He is gone."
I let out a breath I did not realize I am holding. He is gone, but now he knows where I live. He can come back at any time.
I get up and unlock the door. "Yeah?"
"Why are you locked up in your room? What happened?"
I frown. If she did not hear what happened, where did she go? I figured she was just around the corner, eavesdropping. "Did you leave during our conversation or something?"
She nods. "I went out in the backyard after you walked back into the kitchen. I figured you guys needed some space to talk, and I was prepared to give you that. But then I saw him leave a little bit after, and I knew something had gone wrong."
I turn around and walk over to sit on my bed. This is going to take a while. "Did you tell him where Amelia is?"
She shakes her head repeatedly. "Mia, I would never tell that douchebag where to find your daughter. Why would you think that?"
"That is what he said. He said he asked you where she was."
"Yeah. He asked me, Mia. But that is all that happened. He asked me where she was and I told him to go fuck himself."
Who to believe? My best friend or the guy who fucked my life over? "Whatever. That does not matter. What matters is that he went to see her, Em. He saw my fucking daughter and I was not even there. What right does he think he has to go see my daughter?"