by E. L. Todd
My eyes watered. I was more emotional than normal because my hormones were all over the place. “I would love to give you a little girl.”
“Thank you.” He kissed my salty lips and moved one hand to my stomach. “Thank you for giving me everything I’ve ever dreamed of. When I pictured my wife, she was always beautiful and elegant…but you’re so much more.”
***
“How was work?” I asked when Ward walked in the door.
“Great. I’m officially off for maternity leave.”
“Sean let you go at the drop of a hat?”
“You know Sean. That guy will bend backwards to help anyone out. But I’ll be doing stuff from home. At least this way I’ll be around to take care of you.”
“That will be nice.”
He leaned over the back of the couch and gave me a kiss. “Missed me?”
“A lot.”
“I was only gone for a few hours.”
“Well, I’m missing you for two people—so I miss you a lot.”
He smiled then gave me another kiss. “Ready for a late lunch?”
“I’m so hungry,” I blurted.
He chuckled. “How about a grilled cheese with tomato soup?”
“Yum.”
“Coming right up.” He headed into the kitchen but stopped when there was a knock on the door. His earlier buoyant attitude disappeared at the sound. I knew exactly what he was thinking.
Without saying a word, he walked to the other side of the house and opened the door. I held my breath as I listened, wanting to ear every word that was said. But instead of hearing shouts and yelling I heard quiet words.
It must be someone else.
A moment later Ward returned with our guest. And I realized it was my father.
My heart immediately kicked into overdrive, and my hand automatically moved to my stomach, like I needed to protect both of us.
Ward put a hand on my shoulder. “He comes in peace.”
Dad sat on the other couch and stared at the coffee table. “I had a visitor today.”
I stared at him and kept my silence.
“He said everything about your stripping was just a fabrication. He did it to blackmail you but none of it was real. And you only went along with it because you didn’t have a choice.”
What? Why would Jeremy tell my father that? I didn’t agree to be with him. Was he doing it just because he felt guilty? Did he actually feel some remorse for what he had done? I was moved by the gesture but then I realized I shouldn’t be. One right didn’t correct a million wrongs.
“I was relieved when he told me. And I’m sorry I reacted so harshly.”
My father looked at me the way he used to. It was like nothing had happened. I could go along with this and get a clean slate. All the judgment and disappointment would be gone. I would be vindicated. It was the easy way out.
I stared at Ward as he leaned against the armrest of the couch. His arms were across his chest and he returned my look. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking because his face was stoic.
“I’m sorry about everything, Clemy,” Dad said. “This sounds like a bad day from hell.” He released a light chuckle at the end.
Perhaps it was the hormones or perhaps I was just angry at my father, but I didn’t want him to think I hadn’t done those things—because I had. I wasn’t ashamed of it. If that made him think less of me or changed our relationship, so be it. “He lied to you. Everything is true. I was a stripper, and I dated a married man unknowingly. I don’t give a damn if you think less of me. I don’t care if you even like me anymore. If I’m not good enough for you, then I don’t want to be good enough for you anyway. The only reason you’re apologizing is because you think I didn’t do this shameful act. Well, I did. I’m not afraid to say it. Now get out of my house.”
Dad turned to me, and surprise came into his eyes.
Ward didn’t react. It was like he knew I would say that.
I slowly rose to my feet then headed to the stairs. “Ward, escort him out.”
“Okay, darling.”
I headed up the stairs and entered my bedroom. Then I shut the door, trying to keep everything out of my life. My father remained downstairs and I didn’t hear the front door open and close.
No parent would be proud of their daughter for stripping, but they would at least accept it and not pass judgment. They would stand by their side through the thick and the thin. It hurt my father was disappointed in me, but I refuse to let that fact keep me up late at night.
I am who I am. And I’m not ashamed of it.
Chapter Fifteen
Arsen
It was parent-teacher conference this week, and I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Abby’s teacher. She would probably ridicule my parenting skills, tell me Abby was falling behind and it was entirely my fault, and then she would tell me to consider giving Abby to her grandmother.
No fucking way.
Perhaps I was just projecting my insecurities onto other people, but the increased pressure of being a single parent weighed on me. I thought I did a good job, but when Abby’s schoolwork faltered everyone blamed me.
The girl just lost her mother.
No one had any sympathy? They expected her to bounce back immediately? I could force Abby to work harder and even punish her if she didn’t pick up her grades, but I thought that would make me a worse parent.
I completely understood what she was going through. When a parent leaves, you feel alone. When mine left, I didn’t know what to do. I had no purpose and no home. It was impossible to concentrate on anything because the pain was too unbearable.
Abby felt the same way.
Of course, she had me. Of course, she knew I loved her more than anything in the world. But I couldn’t replace her mother and neither could Silke. Abby wasn’t old enough to completely comprehend death, but she was old enough to understand that her mother was no longer here. Her life was different now—completely.
How could I have the audacity to push her when she wasn’t ready to be pushed? How could I berate her for not doing better in school? I had no right to say anything like that to her.
But if I didn’t, there would be worse consequences.
I wasn’t sure what to do.
I was sitting at the kitchen table when Abby came out of her room dressed and ready to go. “I’m ready.” She came to the table and stared up at me. “Daddy, why do you look so sad?”
I forced a smile. “Just tired, sweetheart.”
“No, there’s something wrong.” She said it matter-of-factly because she knew me so well.
I released a pained laugh. “You can read my moods better than Silke sometimes.”
“Because I love you.”
A smile formed on my lips. “I know you do, sweetheart.” I moved the chair out. “Take a seat.”
She crawled onto it and sat down. “What’s wrong, Daddy?”
“I’m going to tell you a story.”
“What kind of story?”
“A story about me.”
“Okay.” Her eyes lit up in excitement.
“It’s not that kind of story. It’s actually very sad. But I want you to know Daddy is okay now. And I’m very, very happy.”
“Okay…”
“When I was a little younger than you, my father left me. He didn’t say goodbye and he didn’t leave a note. He just left. And I never saw him again.”
“Where did he go?”
“I don’t know. I never searched for him.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“If he doesn’t want to be in my life, that’s fine. But I don’t want to be in his either.”
“Why did he leave?”
“I don’t know that answer either,” I said. “Perhaps he wasn’t ready to be a father. Perhaps he didn’t love me. Perhaps he didn’t love my mom. I’m not sure.”
“You left me...”
My heart ached at her words. “I know. And I’ll always regret that.”
&
nbsp; “But you came back.”
I nodded. “I came back because I love you.”
“Maybe he’ll come back,” she said in excitement.
I shook my head. “He won’t. But I’m okay with that. Now there’s another part of my story. When I was your age, my mother left. She dropped me off at an orphanage and drove away.”
Abby struggled to understand this. “Your mommy and daddy both left?”
I bowed my head. “They did. And it really hurt.”
“Well…who gave you a bath, took you to school, and made snacks for you?”
“Employees at the orphanage.”
Sadness came into her eyes. “Your mommy didn’t love you?”
“No, she didn’t.”
“And your daddy didn’t either?”
“No.”
“But you had Grandpa, right?”
“Actually, I didn’t know him at the time. I met him just a few years ago when I met Silke. He adopted me as his son. He’s looked after me ever since. To me, he is my father.”
“So he isn’t really my grandpa?”
“No, he is,” I said quickly. “Abby, just because you aren’t related doesn’t mean you can’t be family. Grandma and Grandpa love you like their own. They don’t care where we come from.”
“I love them too,” she said quietly.
“There’s a reason why I’m telling you all of this.”
She stared at me and waited.
“I know what it’s like to lose a parent—both parents. It hit me hard and I was really sad. I wasn’t interested in school or anything at all. I had a hard time getting along with other kids and preferred to be alone. Losing them left a huge hole in my heart. I was never the same.”
Abby’s eyes fell.
“I want you to know I understand what you’re feeling. I know you miss your mother and it’s hard not having her around anymore. You aren’t alone, and I will always be here to take care of you.”
She nodded.
“But you can’t stop participating in school. I know it’s hard to concentrate because you’re upset. You’re scared and unsure how to act since Mom isn’t around. But school is very important and you need to work hard. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Your teacher told me you’re struggling. You don’t turn in assignments and you don’t pay attention in class. Why?”
She shrugged. “I guess I just don’t care.”
That’s the exact answer I would have given at her age. “I understand.”
“What does it matter? Why do I have to go to school at all?”
“Because it’s important to learn. And it’s fun.”
“It’s not fun anymore…”
I grabbed her hand. “Mommy was so proud of you. She always told me how smart you were and how well you were doing in school. School is really important to her. You can’t let her down.”
“I guess…”
“Try a little harder, okay? If you need help, you can always ask me.”
“Okay,” she said with a nod.
I patted her hand and pulled away.
“Daddy?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“I’m sorry your mommy and daddy didn’t love you.” She looked at me with big and sad eyes.
My heart fell into my stomach and I felt weak. “Thank you. But I have plenty of people who love me now.”
“I love you.”
My eyes burned slightly. “I know you do.” I pulled her into my lap and hugged her, resting my chin on her head. “And that’s all I need.”
***
Abby waited outside as I entered the classroom and greeted Ms. Norris. “Hello. How are you?” It was a little awkward since she came onto me last time but I brushed it off.
“Well. You?” She wore a tight, black dress that rose above her knee. Her brown hair was in open curls and her make up was heavier than it was last time. She was clearly trying to make an impression.
It wasn’t going to work on me.
“Let’s sit.” Instead of sitting at her desk, she sat in the student desk beside me. “I hate to say it but Abby hasn’t made any improvements.”
“I just had a talk with her today. I think she’ll be better from now on.”
“You just talked to her today?” she asked incredulously. “We had our last conversation two weeks ago.”
“Well, I wanted to give her a chance to improve on her own. I helped with her homework and tried to get her to study.” I tried not to get defensive and snap at her. “My daughter just lost her mother. I don’t want to push her too hard too fast.”
“And I understand that,” she said. “But this is a private school and we have thorough rules and regulations. If Abby doesn’t improve, she will be removed from the school and placed in public school next term.”
My eyes automatically widened in reaction. “That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?”
“I don’t make the rules.”
My heart pounded in my chest and I was actually worried. It was important to Lydia that Abby get a private education. It was one of the few things we actually agreed upon. And I wouldn’t let Abby get anything less than the best. “She’ll improve. I’ll make sure it happens.”
“Good. I’ll monitor her progress for the next two weeks. When I fill out my report, we’ll talk then.”
I couldn’t believe this was happening. Being a single parent was already beginning with a rough start. “Thank you for your time.” I slowly rose to my feet and felt a little dizzy.
Ms. Norris did the same. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re a great father. It’s clear you care about your daughter and her education. That’s never been the issue, and I sincerely hope Abby improves. She’s a sweet and bright girl, and I want to keep her in my classroom.”
“Thanks…”
Ms. Norris approached me then put her hand on my upper arm. The touch wasn’t light. She practically grabbed me.
I felt like I was cheating on Silke just by letting her touch me. “Have a good day, Ms. Norris.” I stepped away and headed toward the door.
“You know, we can talk about Abby’s process through the week—perhaps over dinner.”
How did I handle this? I didn’t want to piss her off because she could make Abby’s life a living hell. She could skew her grades and fail her on purpose. Why were women who had power over me constantly manipulating me? “As nice as that sounds, I have a serious girlfriend. But I’m flattered.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Well, that doesn’t bother me.”
Seriously?
“How about dinner on Tuesday?”
She didn’t care I had a girlfriend? No one respected monogamy anymore? “Well, it bothers me. I know she wouldn’t appreciate me going out with a beautiful woman.” Stroking her ego was probably the best tactic.
“Why does she have to know?”
This was depressing. Were a lot of people like this? “Because I’m always honest with her—I love her.” Maybe that last part would get her off my back.
“Love and lust are two different things. I don’t like to mix them.”
Maybe I should just walk out. “I’m very happy with my girlfriend and I would never hurt her. But thank you for the offer.” I quickly turned around and tried to get out of there.
“Let me know if you change your mind.”
I kept walking. “I won’t.”
***
Ryan and I finished our work out then headed to the sandwich shop across the street. We both ordered our food then took a seat in the booth. We worked out our arms and chest today, so just picking up my sandwich made me sore.
“How’s Abby?”
“She’s struggling in school, actually.”
“Poor kid. I don’t blame her. But she’ll get back on track. Just give her some time.”
“Actually, I can’t give her much time. If she doesn’t improve within two weeks, they’ll dismiss her from the school.”
&nbs
p; “Seriously?” Ryan asked. He was about to take a bite out of his sandwich but stopped himself.
“I had a talk with her and I think it helped. But her teacher wants to jump my bones.”
“Who doesn’t?” he asked with a slight laugh.
“She’s hit on me twice now.” I wasn’t bragging. I was flat-out irritated.
“Is she cute?” There was a teasing note to his voice.
“What does it matter?”
“It does matter.”
“Yes, she was cute.”
He cringed. “Then don’t tell Silke.”
“I’m not going to. I told her about the first incident but she’ll flip at the second one.”
“Why?” he asked as he ate his food.
“She basically said she wanted to fuck me even though I had a girlfriend.”
He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “It’s depressing, huh?”
“I was thinking the same thing.”
“I’ve gotten a lot of offers like that. It makes me hate humanity more than I already do. No one has any respect for relationships. Girls don’t care that I’m married. To them, it doesn’t mean anything.”
“Why would she even want that type of relationship?” I asked. “If I cheated on Silke, I’d do the exact same thing to her somewhere down the road.”
“They don’t see it that way,” Ryan said. “To them, they won a contest so they are the more desirable woman.”
“Until someone better comes along…”
“I definitely wouldn’t tell Silke. She’s feisty when she’s pissed off. She almost broke Slade’s arm one time.”
“Slade?” I asked in surprised. “I thought he knew Krav Maga?”
“This was before all of that. Why do you think he learned it?”
You learn something new every day. “I feel weird keeping it from her.”
“It’s for her own good.”
“But if she finds out about it then she’ll be pissed at me for lying. And she’ll think I’m hiding something.”
“How would she find out?”
I shrugged.
“If you tell her, she’ll be upset for weeks. There’s nothing to tell her anyway. Some woman hit on you and you turned her down. End of story.”