CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
DEDICATION
FRIDAY, MAY 6
WEDNESDAY, MAY 11
THURSDAY, MAY 12
FRIDAY, MAY 13
SATURDAY, MAY 14
SUNDAY, MAY 15
MONDAY, MAY 16
THURSDAY, MAY 19
FRIDAY, MAY 20
SUNDAY, MAY 22
MONDAY, MAY 23
TUESDAY, MAY 24
WEDNESDAY, MAY 25
FRIDAY, MAY 27
SUNDAY, MAY 29
MONDAY, MAY 30
TUESDAY, MAY 31
THURSDAY, JUNE 2
FRIDAY, JUNE 3
MONDAY, JUNE 6
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8
FRIDAY, JUNE 10
SATURDAY, JUNE 11
MONDAY, JUNE 13
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15
THURSDAY, JUNE 16
FRIDAY, JUNE 24
MONDAY, JUNE 27
THURSDAY, JUNE 30
FRIDAY, JULY 1
SATURDAY, JULY 2
SUNDAY, JULY 3
MONDAY, JULY 4
TUESDAY, JULY 5
WEDNESDAY, JULY 6
THURSDAY, JULY 7
FRIDAY, JULY 8
SATURDAY, JULY 9
SUNDAY, JULY 10
MONDAY, JULY 11
TUESDAY, JULY 12
WEDNESDAY, JULY 13
THURSDAY, JULY 14
FRIDAY, JULY 15
SATURDAY, JULY 16
SUNDAY, JULY 17
MONDAY, JULY 18
TUESDAY, JULY 19
WEDNESDAY, JULY 20
THURSDAY, JULY 21
FRIDAY, JULY 22
SATURDAY, JULY 23
SUNDAY, JULY 24
MONDAY, JULY 25
TUESDAY, JULY 26
WEDNESDAY, JULY 27
THURSDAY, JULY 28
FRIDAY, JULY 29
SATURDAY, JULY 30
SUNDAY, JULY 31
THURSDAY, AUGUST 4
FRIDAY, AUGUST 5
SATURDAY, AUGUST 6
MONDAY, AUGUST 8
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
COPYRIGHT
Is this Haley Hancock from Mrs. James’s US History class?
Yeah.
Who’s this?
Which essay question did you pick on the AP test earlier?
Martin Nathaniel Munroe II
Which one? You’re both in my US History class.
The good one.
Which question did you choose?
Articles of Confederation … right?
No, I picked Watergate.
???
I like Nixon better.
No one likes Nixon better.
His wife does.
Did.
Whatever.
Why does it matter?
Because I bet my cousin that everyone picked the same question.
Thanks to you I lost.
Sorry.
Don’t be.
You get the pleasure of proving me wrong.
Only worth it if you’re the other Martin.
Wait …
You mean I’m the ONLY one in the WHOLE class who picked the Nixon question?
Sure …
Rub it in.
You’ve managed to escape the misery that is a group project.
This is ridiculous! What kind of teacher assigns research projects off the AP test anyway?
Why can’t she just let us watch documentaries like in Euro last year?
You’re going to get the best grade in the class!
You won’t sound like the world’s worst morning news anchor as we pass to our teammates during the speech.
I forgot about the speech!
Why did I pick that question?
I don’t get why you’re freaking out
This is a good thing!
This is the worst thing ever! In a group I have to speak for one minute tops, not five whole minutes.
I’d rather walk over hot coals backward.
I’d give anything to have a solo topic.
Hold on a second. How did you get my number?
Jack …
Oh.
Thanks for not having him text me.
Wanted an answer.
So, did you need anything else?
Guess not.
Sorry I disappointed you on your bet or whatever.
I’ll just hold it against you forever.
Spoken like a true Martin.
I am going to need you to pick me up. I can’t get the car.
Unexpectedly forward of you, Haley from Mrs. James’s US History class.
Crap, you’re not Dylan.
Whose number is this?
M
Who?
Martin
From US History
And English.
We’ve gone to school together since sixth grade.
I texted you last week about the AP questions?
I’m the one who told you you’re the only one not at risk of spending the next three weeks analyzing Shays’s Rebellion???
Didn’t you save my number?
No, sorry.
Wrong number.
Obviously.
I’m hurt.
Didn’t you at least notice the message history??
Still there?
No. Sorry, was texting Dylan.
I didn’t see the history when I started the message.
I COULD be Dylan if you really needed me to.
Not sure I’m dressed for it.
My mother refuses to purchase flannel in those quantities.
Wait … aren’t you in German? Why are you texting?
I’m not.
I mean, I am.
In German.
Stop texting me.
Only if you text me in German.
Geh weg, Scheisskopf!
I know what that means
I read Catch-22.
STOP.
I’m not a text service.
That doesn’t work on me.
Are you ignoring me?
Really???
You can’t turn your phone off
You’re waiting for your best friend’s ex-boyfriend to answer.
OMG, would you stop?
I knew it!
You’re going to get me detention.
Fine … I’ll leave you alone
Scheisskopf.
You’re the Scheisskopf, not me.
So you ARE still talking to me
Yes.
No.
I don’t know.
Frau was making me conjugate.
Then I had to do something with Dylan after school.
Between which we had class together and YOU said nothing to ME.
Not like you said anything to me either.
I don’t know why I’m even texting you now.
But you’re still the Scheisskopf.
Which means … due to circumstances beyond our control
We’re both talking and not talking to each other
And we’re both Scheisskopfs?
Pretty much.
I can’t take it anymore.
Why were you texting Dylan?
What?
I know for a fact he and Lexi had a huge fight at prom.
I was there.
So why were you texting him in the middle of German?
And where’d you go with him after school?
Those are kind of personal questions.
They are???
How about if I swap a secret?
It’s killing you, isn’t it?
Maybe.
Now I really shouldn’t tell you.
There has to be something about me you want to know.
Not especially.
Nothing at all?
Okay, maybe one thing.
???
Why are you both named Martin?
It’s our name.
Yes, but why did BOTH your parents name you Martin Nathaniel Munroe II?
They named us after our grandfather.
Duh, really? You were named after the financial genius Martin N. Munroe?
Come on. Who doesn’t know that?!
I want to know why the EXACT same thing.
That IS personal.
Maybe we should start with something easier.
Like?
Like why do you always use complete sentences?
What?
You capitalize
Punctuate everything
You even use proper grammar.
Technically, you started it. You had a sentence with subject-verb agreement. Plus, I never quite got skimping on that stuff.
You sound like Ms. Ferguson.
Because Ms. Ferguson is the best English teacher ever!
Don’t make me pull out a fifty-cent word on you as punishment.
I’d like to see you try.
Maybe if you’re good.
Oh my
I should ask you personal questions more often.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Is that your personal question?
No. I think I can figure it out.
Plus, rhetorical questions don’t count.
Who made that rule???
I did. Just now.
Fine … Rhetorical questions don’t count.
What’s your question?
Still there???
Shhh! I’m thinking!
You’re really not curious about me at all?
I don’t know.
I haven’t thought about it before.
We’ve known each other since sixth grade.
Yeah, and?
I’m interesting!
I mean, if you say so.
Ouch!
Okay, fine. Do you have any pets?
My mother has a cat and a dog.
Do you like the cat better?
Not especially.
Why?
You listed the cat first.
Maybe I’m too afraid of her not to give her precedence?
No bonus points for fifty-cent words!
Why are you afraid of the cat?
She’s plotting against me.
Pretty sure I’m the first one she’d eat in an apocalypse.
Why? What’d you do to her?
Nothing recently.
But you did do something.
When I was little I MAY have tried to carry her around by her tail.
I’d hate you too!
Good thing you don’t have a tail.
What about the dog? Does the dog hate you?
That seems like another personal question.
They’re related. Not the same.
Pretty sure it’s AT LEAST a second question.
I think this should earn me an extra.
Ugh. Fine. You successfully have me curious.
What does the dog think about you? (+1 personal question)
As a fellow victim of the cat’s marauding terror … the dog loves me.
He’s practically asleep on top of me right now.
Sleeping on you?
Wait … now I have you curious?
Not that curious.
Thought I had another question.
No, two is enough.
Two isn’t nearly enough.
What’s THAT supposed to mean?
I find YOU very interesting.
I’m not even a little bit interesting.
On the contrary.
Given their choice of topics, everyone else would have picked the Watergate break-in for their final paper.
You picked impeachment.
Totally interesting.
And yet you’ve never asked me a single question in five years. Not interesting.
Now you’re a mystery
Wrapped in an enigma
Wrapped in bacon
And fried at 350 degrees until golden brown.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, bacon.
You like bacon!
Who doesn’t like bacon?
Vegetarians
Actually, I read a study that vegetarians are more likely to break their practice for bacon than any other meat product.
Interesting
And odd.
I thought so too.
Where did you read this?
I don’t remember.
My news feed?
That’s where I read most things.
Your news feed?
Yeah. Wait, you’ve asked like three questions.
Not exactly personal ones
They’re about vegetarians eating bacon.
Bacon is always personal.
Plus, I told you about my news feed. That’s about as personal as it gets.
So you’re fond of your news feed?
Yeah. I learn more from it than any day at school ever.
Like???
Like, did you know that acetaminophen can help you stave off existential dread?
Existential dread?
You know, the fear of the future and the meaning of life and all that stuff.
You mean, “Who am I really and will what I do ever be enough?”
How do they test something like that?
THAT’S THE BEST PART!
They made people watch David Lynch movies.
Dune?
No. Something about people in rabbit heads. It’s on YouTube. I tried to watch it once.
Dune would make a terrible test.
It’s too much fun to watch.
Not the director’s cut. It’s like twelve hours.
You’ve seen Dune?
Read it too.
My parents are kinda übernerds.
There’s very little I don’t know about Dune or any other sci-fi property.
So what you’re saying is …
Acetaminophen is some kind of Bene Gesserit fear destroyer?
Not all fears. Just existential dread.
Still kind of cool.
And we’d never learn that in AP Bio.
We really wouldn’t.
Except I never took AP Bio.
That’s right. You were smarter than I was.
How is taking Marine Biology rather than AP Bio smarter?
Oh, wait, I forgot. You’re a boy.
AP Bio would not have been a misery because they teach it to your learning style.
You forgot I was a boy?
For a second.
You forgot I was a boy
For a second.
Also what do you mean “my learning style”?
The high school teaching approach for math and sciences favors socialized male behavior and learning styles.
Where’d you hear that?
News feed.
Technically, You Started It Page 1