Touché.
So, are you already gone?
Not until Friday.
Oh, I was just wondering.
You’ll be glad to know your text came in as I was driving and I didn’t even look near it.
Good. Texting and driving is ridiculously bad for your health.
Today has SUUUUUUUUUCKED.
More mysterious phyllosilicates?
Everyone forgot things EVERYWHERE I went.
I went back and forth to each job site like five times.
Oh, poor you.
You get a day off tomorrow
I get to complain a bit.
You are going to Paris, you get to complain not at all.
You like Paris?
I thought you did German.
And Spanish and a TINY bit of Korean.
I always wanted to learn French.
You know three languages?
Four, you forgot English. But I’m only actually any good at English.
How’d you manage that many?
Spanish in junior high and German in high school.
Why didn’t you stick with Spanish?
Didn’t feel like it.
I wanted to learn German.
Where’d you learn Korean?
TV and family.
My aunt IS Korean and my uncle is fluent.
Is your family why you watch their TV?
It’s how I know their TV exists. But I watch it because it’s awesome.
So I pick up a little from my family and a little from TV and I’m almost okay at some of it.
I know how to order food and listen to someone complain about their mother-in-law.
Does your aunt complain about her mother-in-law?
HAH! No! That part’s from TV.
Got it.
But you’re not getting off the topic this easily.
???
You’re going to freaking France.
?????
I WANNA GO!
THAT’S what this is about …
You could fit me in your luggage, right?
Considering how much luggage Step2 is bringing that shouldn’t be a problem.
YES!
Croissants and baguettes here I come.
Bread?
You want to hide in the belly of a plane for bread?
YES! And desserts and the Musée d’Orsay and the Louvre and Versailles.
We’re not going to Versailles this time.
I would be a stowaway. I could go anywhere I want.
Not the Eiffel Tower?
I mean, I’d look at it, but not really.
You got something against Monsieur Eiffel?
No, he was doing his thing.
I’m just not a big fan of tourist traps.
You’re calling the GREATEST feat of 1800s engineering a TOURIST TRAP???
Well, yeah.
I mean, it serves no purpose. It was built for the world’s fair.
That’s basically the definition of a tourist trap.
You do NOT get to come to Paris!
OMG, it’s just iron.
It’s a symbol of freedom.
It’s a wannabe bridge that goes nowhere.
IT’S SPARKLY!
You were never taking me to Paris anyway.
I was never taking you to Paris.
But you’ll get me something, though, right?
What would I get you?
I don’t know. Something so Paris it hurts.
That’s woefully specific and vague all at the same time.
I’d rather have nothing than something generic.
No Eiffel Tower snow globes?
UGH! No!
No shot glasses either!
No shot glasses.
I can’t imagine you drinking anyway.
Yeah, me neither. I mean, I’m sure I will one day.
When it’s legal and aboveboard.
When it’s a safe space and I feel ready.
So responsible it hurts.
I should tattoo that on my forehead.
You should!!!
Okay, you’re leaving Friday. How long are you going to be gone?
Ten days.
So, the next Sunday?
Monday.
Oh, so ten days in Paris.
Yeah
Isn’t it strange your parents are taking you to a really romantic European city?
If it were a genuine vacation … maybe.
It’s not really a vacation?
It’s an investor meeting.
We get to dog and pony the heck out of it.
So suits, ties, and combed hair?
There’s even a gala.
Poor thing.
You don’t get it.
Clearly.
I’m basically an accessory.
I have to talk to everyone
All the time
Smile constantly
Pretend I care about which harbor they keep their yacht
The Mediterranean yacht of course
The American yacht they keep at the house … Obviously.
Obviously. They’re not animals.
Okay, yes, I can see how that might not be the most amazing way to see Europe.
It’s more than that.
…
I can’t explain in a way you’ll understand.
Actually, I think I kind of get it.
???
Lexi.
I love her, but every once in a while I get the feeling I’m more like a project than a friend.
What do you mean?
Well, she always needs to have something going on and every so often *I* am that thing.
Like she has to fix me.
That’s sort of it.
No, I mean FIX me. Like when things get bad.
She dresses me up. Takes me to parties.
Makes me socialize.
Fix you up with Jack?
URGH! Strangers would not know about him.
But sorta.
You might KINDA get it.
Not perfect, but yeah.
So …
Okay, what one thing are you going to do while you’re there?
I just told you all the things I have to do.
No. It’s something my mom does. She has us all pick a thing we want to do.
Nothing expensive or fancy or really complicated.
Just one really easy thing to do that will guarantee the trip will be a success.
???
Like when we went to LA, she wanted to see the Hollywood sign because one time she made it a whole trip without seeing it.
Seeing the sign?
From anywhere???
Yeah, from anywhere.
That’s a low bar.
We’re low-bar kind of people.
But, even if it’s raining or everyone’s sick, you pick one little thing and be sure to do at least that.
That’s actually kind of cool
And with our well-scheduled agenda … necessary.
So, what’s it going to be? Coffee on the Left Bank? Spitting into the Seine? Something Awful Tower related?
I want a selfie at Notre Dame.
Oooh. Very religious.
Very Quasimodo.
Did you have a crush on Esmeralda?
I REALLY liked that movie when I was little! My grandparents had a copy and I watched it about a thousand times.
The cartoon one?
Of course!
Isn’t that generally agreed to be the worst movie ever?
Hush your mouth!!! Quasimodo will hear you!!!
I’m sorry.
I’m not making fun of you. I’m just …
Surprised?
I’m going to Notre Dame and your mockery will not stop me.
I’m not trying to mock you.
But do you think you’ll make it? Considering your schedule?
It shouldn’t be too hard
Our hotel is mere BLOCKS from there.
Don’t tell m
e. I don’t think I want to know.
You probably don’t.
You’re probably an Oscar Wilde fangirl.
You mean the hotel where he died???????
It’s not too late for me to hate you again.
Don’t forget none of this is my choice.
Well, if you want me not to hate you, I thought of one thing you could do for me …
I’m not kissing his tomb.
No, there’s a bookstore near Notre Dame.
Won’t the books be in French?
No, smarty-pants, there’s a famous English language bookstore near there called Shakespeare and Company.
It’s LITERALLY on the way to Notre Dame from your hotel.
You want an ENGLISH book from FRANCE?
No.
Would you smell it for me?
You want me to SMELL a bookstore?
Yes. I want to know if it smells like the old book room in the downtown library.
You want me to tell you if a store
With hundreds of old books
Smells like old books???
I just need to know that I’m imagining it right.
You are an odd duck
But if it means you won’t hate me …
AND it’s LITERALLY across the river from Notre Dame, Quasimodo.
THE BELLS! THE BELLS!
You are no longer allowed to call me an odd anything.
I will smell your bookstore but you have to do something for me too.
Uh. What?
I want a story when I get back.
A story?
You need to have a wacky adventure while I’m gone
And you HAVE to tell me about it.
You want me to have a wacky adventure?
Wacky enough to be entertaining.
Uh, okay. I think I can manage that.
You can definitely manage it.
You have to tell me what happens. Like if your dad takes a French lover. Or your stepmom. Or both could get taken in by the same con woman!!!
Thank you for THOSE visuals.
Sorry, you’re the one who got me on wacky.
That’s not wacky … that’s wrong!
Just think, if you’re really lucky, Step3 could be European.
Not funny.
OMG, it’s already time.
We’ve been talking forever.
Okay, I’ll probably talk to you again before you go.
You will
Don’t worry.
I’m not worrying!
Yeah right.
Don’t need help with Hump Day?
Nah, this week I’ve got it.
What was the question this time?
Relationship goals.
Couples you’ve got
But individuals not so much?
Who’d you pick?
Stucky?
No. Nothing so pedestrian.
I picked the Obamas.
Good choice.
Who’d you pick?
Haven’t done it.
Well, who WOULD you pick?
Other than your parents?
Ew.
I mean it.
So gross. No give me a real answer.
I don’t know. You took the best one.
Except for Chloe, who picked F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda.
WHY? Was Bonnie and Clyde already taken?
It was! By Sarah!
Zelda sounds about right for Chloe, but I expected more from Sarah.
Chloe WOULD make a good Jazz Age maven.
I take it you haven’t pointed out the later part of the Fitzgeralds’ relationship?
You mean the institutionalizations?
No, I’m done making those two mad.
…
Don’t you dare.
I haven’t done ANYTHING!
No teasing my friends.
I’d never tease a friend of yours.
Shouldn’t you be packing or something?
Or something.
I don’t want to keep you.
You’re not keeping me.
I mean, I have to go take a shower and get this gas station grunge off me.
Do that.
Okay, I will.
I HATE PACKING!!!
You leave tomorrow!!! Why are you still packing?
I’m not STILL packing
I AM packing.
I’m going to pack.
Packing will have happened.
What if you forget something?
That’s why the concierge desk was invented.
I’m sure YOU have a whole method for packing.
AS A MATTER OF FACT I DO.
???
PACK EARLIER!
That’s not it and you and I both know it.
You probably have it down to the specific items you’ll pack.
What? Oh look, is that the television calling?
YOU DO!!!
Well, you need at least eleven pairs of underwear and eleven pairs of socks.
And that’s all I’m saying about your unmentionables.
We haven’t even begun to mention my unmentionables.
No one is mentioning their unmentionables further or I’m not helping!
Consider them unmentioned.
Okay, so, you have events?
Every day
All day
Into the night
First thing in the morning
All the time
Until my smile is permanently etched on my face.
Or the zombie apocalypse
Whichever comes first.
What are we talking about? You said gala.
One formal event
Two cocktail parties
And one boat cruise.
A freaking cruise along the Seine?
No focusing on how lucky I am to cruise down a smelly river with a hundred old drunks.
Oh, right, poor, poor baby.
You CLEARLY have never had your unmentionables discussed at length by women as old as your grandmother.
This is true, but right now I’m more worried about the fact you’re going to need boat shoes.
You don’t actually care about me at all
Do you?
I care about no one going to a European capital tomorrow and not knowing where his first aid kit is.
You travel with a first aid kit?
Of course! You don’t?
I’ll put some Band-Aids in my bag.
OMG, you’re useless.
Okay, so back to formal clothes. Do you have a suit?
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