Technically, You Started It

by Lana Wood Johnson

  I’m fine.

  It’s nothing.

  I just had to go.

  Did something happen at home?

  Are your parents all right?

  Did something happen to your cousins?

  Did you hurt yourself?

  Everyone’s fine.

  I guess you could say I hurt myself.

  Was it the hoopty?

  No, nothing like that.

  Look, I’m sorry I couldn’t stick around for whatever you wanted to say to me.

  I just couldn’t.

  Something happened.

  Yeah.

  But I DON’T want to talk about it.

  So … Chloe and I got into a fight.

  A big one.

  I guess rumors are going around that make NO sense. And since they involved the clown she believed them.

  She said she was trying to protect me from what happened to her, but I said she was being ridiculous.

  I tried to explain, but she wouldn’t listen.

  She kept saying things are really complicated for Sarah right now and that’s why she can’t trust me anymore.

  Chloe felt she needed to say something to me before I made it worse.

  They’re just burritos …

  My PARENTS invited him to the barbecue.

  HE sat by ME in church.

  But that was only because she and Gabe took the last two seats in that row and I had to sit behind everybody.

  He’s the one practically stalking me and I’M the one she says is being a terrible friend to Sarah.

  I didn’t ask for any of this.

  Stalking you?

  That’s what you really think?

  Haley?

  Are you sleeping?

  If not … can you talk to me?

  Please?

  Okay, I finally got to sleep, and I’m thinking a bit clearer.

  I shouldn’t have freaked out at you. This isn’t your fault.

  Not really.

  You think this is stalking?

  No …

  Stalking is harsh.

  Following.

  Being everywhere.

  You didn’t seem to be as upset about it anymore.

  It’s just so complicated. She was saying so much stuff. Like the last couple of months have been a blur.

  Everything was so confusing … him … you … Chloe … Sarah.

  UGH. I want to talk to you.

  But I can’t.

  I shouldn’t.

  Why not?

  It’s too meta.

  Even for us.

  ???

  So … I’m sorry.

  But just … can whatever you wanted to say wait?

  I need space.

  I guess it has to now

  I had just thought …

  No

  I didn’t think.

  I wanted this too bad

  But it can wait

  I can wait.

  Thank you.

  I’m sorry.

  I’m sorry too.

  Hi.

  This is Francis.

  Would you be willing to tell me wildly inaccurate facts about my culture while I eat lunch?

  Uh.

  Please? I don’t have anyone to talk to while I consume these ketchup-flavored potato chips.

  Ew, who would do such a thing?

  Seriously?

  Do you know NOTHING about Canada?

  It shares a northern border with the United States?

  Why did you even pick Canada?

  Could have picked Korea and been way more convincing.

  No one would have believed it if I suddenly had a guy friend in Korea.

  They’d have called it wish fulfillment and made inappropriate yet legitimate jokes about fetishization.

  Do you really think Lexi would ever accuse you of fetishization?

  A girl can dream!

  So does this mean you’ll speak to this entirely unfetishizable Canadian?

  Haley?

  Do not make me start quoting Canadian facts at you.

  We shouldn’t be talking so much.

  You clearly don’t know that Canada has the largest landmass after Russia.

  I’m not a good person to be friends with.

  We also have more lakes than all other lakes in the world combined.

  Really? Even Minnesota?

  Ryan Reynolds is Canadian!

  He is?

  Where are you reading this?

  Wait … do you really have a celebrity crush on him?

  There are a surprisingly large number of websites that contain twenty-one facts about Canada.

  Canadian clickbait?

  …

  But you made those potato chips up, right?

  GOOGLE IT!

  OMG. THIS IS DISGUSTING.

  Ketchup Doritos?

  WHO DOES THAT?

  And YOU thought you needed to make up wildly inaccurate details about Canada in order to impress me?

  These people are freaks.

  I’m not claiming to be part Canadian anymore.

  Not even the normal Albertan part that GG was.

  GG?

  My mom’s grandma was born in Canada.

  You are biologically Canadian on both sides???

  No, just legally on Mom’s.

  GG’s dad was Scottish and her mom was Minnesotan.

  But he was supposedly a Mountie, so that has to count for something.

  Points from this imaginary Canadian.

  Weirdo.

  So is this OK?

  I guess.

  Being friends with Francis is much easier.

  Less … real.

  I won’t bother you at all about realness.

  Clearly I’m rushing things.

  But I’d rather have this than nothing at all.

  Thanks, Francis.

  I appreciate it.

  Good.

  Now I must go back to running errands.

  CHUCK has some sort of thing for me to pick up to bring back to the office.

  Ooh, maybe it’s diamonds.

  Not funny.

  A LITTLE funny.

  Canada is a very strange place, Francis.

  Have you FINALLY been studying?

  What do you think the deal is with all dressed chips?

  Think they’re good?

  I imagine they’re overwhelming.

  They might be good, though.

  Did you know Canada wasn’t even a fully sovereign nation until 1982?

  ???

  Oh right.

  The Commonwealth.

  Right? Serves them right for snubbing their noses at us all those years ago.

  Guess that better offer never came along.

  Wait

  Are YOU texting ME facts about Canada???

  I guess.

  I mean, we’re not going to talk to each other tomorrow.

  ???

  Well, I work, and you have baseball.

  So we’ll both be too busy.

  Right

  We won’t see each other tomorrow.

  Me still being Canadian and all.

  Uh, I guess.

  Mostly I figured you’d be busy.

  Like a good imaginary internet friend.

  You’re being weird.

  I’m fine.

  Is everything okay at home?

  Yep

  We have way too much Chinese food and we’re watching a movie.

  Together time?

  Cool Hand Luke

  He just ate about a hundred eggs.

  So disgusting.

  Did you at least get vegetables?

  Broccoli in the General Tso’s?

  Ew, did you actually eat it?

  Yeah. What’s wrong with General Tso’s?

  Nothing … I’ll let you get back to your movie.

  Oh, and have a good day tomorrow, Francis.

  You too.

  I’m sorry

  I can’t do it.

 
What’s wrong?

  I can’t go a whole day pretending not to talk to you.

  I tried

  I really did.

  Okay.

  Did you have something to say?

  Yes

  No

  We won our game

  I had a disgusting burger for lunch.

  I got ice cream with my mother before the game …

  Sounds super exciting.

  I’m sorry.

  This was ridiculous.

  Whatever.

  It’s fine.

  I gotta go.

  It’s plug-in.

  Sorry

  I’m TRYING to do better.

  Don’t change for my sake.

  I didn’t realize how fast this could be habit forming.

  Good night, FRANCIS.

  Good night, Haley.

  I didn’t NOT have anything to say last night.

  What?

  I had SOMETHING to say

  But it was too late.

  I didn’t just want to say it.

  It was fine.

  They’re engaged.

  What?

  Who?

  Oh, wait. Your mom???

  I realized dropping that on you seconds before plug-in would be unfair.

  You should have told me.

  I told you, that’s my mom’s soft spot. She would have been fine.

  It’s not that big of a deal.

  It’s kind of a big deal.

  It is KIND OF a big deal.

  Are you okay?

  Other than the fact that CHUCK now calls me “Sport”?

  Ew. Totally legit scare quotes.

  I wouldn’t be okay with that.

  My father’s not quite as OK as I am.

  Oh, I bet not.

  They were just together a couple of weeks ago and now she’s engaged?

  Maybe you should slip him some Tylenol.

  That’s not a terrible idea.

  We can both suck on one and try not to ponder life.

  It’ll be better than this classic movie fest he seems to have planned for us.

  Well, at least you’re getting some culture out of it.

  More like naps.

  But what about your mom? Is she happy?

  She seems to be

  But

  She’s worried about me.

  Isn’t that like her job?

  I guess that’s why they split up earlier.

  She doesn’t want to marry him for real until after I graduate.

  So next summer?

  That’s what she said.

  OMG, you got ice cream yesterday!!!

  I’m so self-centered.

  I should have figured it was something like this.

  Maybe I’ve dulled my own empathy receptors too much.

  It’s not like I actually told you anything had happened.

  So did he get her a ring?

  It’s the size of a grapefruit.

  Ew. I’d be petrified I’d lose it.

  Or break it.

  Nothing breaks diamonds.

  Not true, one good whack of a hammer and it’s dust.

  I forgot I was talking to Geology Girl.

  I am not Geology Girl!

  Do you have a fan shirt yet?

  This is what I get for sympathizing with you.

  Sorry

  I shouldn’t tease you.

  But you’ve got me smiling again.

  Oh.

  ???

  It’s nothing.

  Just …

  ???

  No, nothing.

  Never mind.

  Forget I said anything, Francis.

  Forgotten.

  Okay, good.

  Look, I should go.

  Working on another project?

  No, just something I need to take care of.

  Thanks for listening.

  Of course.

  That’s what friends are for.

  Right.

  A proper Canadian maple leaf has eleven points.

  So what you’re saying is that you’re NOT enjoying whatever classic movie your father selected.

  Diamonds Are Forever?

  That would be a no.

  UGH! No thank you.

  So this mean you’ll help me survive?

  I consider it a solemn duty.

  Excellent!

  What are you doing?

  Dramas. Mom and I are catching up for the week.

  What does your father do while you watch your foreign television?

  I don’t know. Clean? Finish his dailies? Watch blacksmithing videos on YouTube?

  The Canadian ones?

  Oh, duh, those are Canadian!

  So I guess I know some slang.

  Canadian SLANG?

  “Skookum” means “good” I think and “chooch” means “letting something work.”

  You were holding out on me?

  Not on purpose.

  I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.

  My father keeps asking me who I’m talking to.

  What do you tell him?

  I’m telling him Francis has to go tap a maple tree so I can focus on the epicness of his brilliant film selection.

  You don’t just have to keep making your parents happy, you know.

  It’s SO much easier when I do.

  Yeah.

  I get it.

  Well, good night, Francis.

  Good night, Francis.

  My mother just informed me we’re having supper with CHUCK tonight.

  You’re going to need your really nice shoes with the small laces.

  No I won’t.

  She talked him into going to her favorite place.

  Really?

  Where’s that?

  This hole-in-the-wall Vietnamese restaurant.

  She’s obsessed with pho.

  She is?

  Yes … but GOOD not fancy. His head is going to explode when he sees how cheap the menu is.

  It’s not Michelin star worthy.

  Is this on purpose?

  I THINK she’s trying to make me comfortable.

  Is she taking you for ice cream first?

  How’d you guess?

  I mean if it works …

  It MAY work.