by Ruby Dixon
I do, watching her work. I love hearing her talk, love the look of concentration on her delicate face. I sit down next to her, pulling my stool closer.
Her smile fades a little, and I notice she leans away. My heart sinks.
"We found another batch of parts this morning," Mari says in her soft voice. "They were buried in the sand, so they're filthy, but Mardok thinks he can get them to work. There's a lot to do and everyone's distracted by the games, so I thought I'd come and get a jump on things." She gently blows on the piece she's holding, her lips pursing. Then, she glances over at me. "Are you taking part in the games?"
"Not if you will not watch me."
"Oh." She pauses and looks over at M'dok, but the male is leaning close to his mate and I suspect they will not get much work done. "I'm not sure. There's so much that needs to be tackled—"
"Come and walk with me," I say, getting to my feet and holding my hand out. "We will walk for a bit and then I will leave you alone to work. This I promise."
I grit my teeth as she looks over at M'dok and F'rli.
"Please," I add.
Mari nods and then gets to her feet. She seems reluctant and sad, and more than anything, I want to see her smile again. She puts aside the parts she is working on and looks over at M'dok, but he is now kissing his mate and will not notice that Mari is gone.
Is everyone kissing this morning, I wonder, irritated.
She puts her hand in mine as we leave the cave together, and while I consider that a success, I also notice that her fingers barely touch mine. We touch less and less with every day that passes. Part of me understands it…but there is a larger, more stubborn part of me that hates it. I want my mate. I want what we had before it was stolen from us.
I want that so badly that I could scream with frustration.
We head out of the camp and down to the beach, where the ice-laden water rolls in with the tide. The waves here are so different from home. The sea itself is dark and forbidding, and the creatures here are brutal and unpleasant. I imagine they must be to survive on such an unfriendly shore. They are plentiful, at least, and good eating, but I know Mari gets scared of them. I walk along the water's edge with her on my far side, protecting her in case some brave creature sends out an exploratory tentacle.
She smiles over at me, her expression soft and sweet and achingly beautiful as she pushes her dark, curling mane back behind her ears. "Are you sure you don't want to join the games? I saw one of the knives up close and it seems really nice. Hunting and sharpening your tools all the time is a pain in the ass. One of those new blades would help you a lot."
Everyone has coveted the weapons since they were dropped on the shore by M'dok's friend from the skies. The food supplies were eaten within a day or two, but the metal knives have been kept aside deliberately, as prizes in a game since there are not enough to go around. "I would like a knife, yes, but the first time it falls out of my grasp during a hunt, Shadow Cat and Strong Arm will never cease to point out that it belongs in better hands." I flex my free hand absently, feeling the pull of too-tight tendons.
She makes a sound of irritation. "Then they're assholes."
I chuckle at her staunch defense. "Tools should be in the hands of those that can use them best. I do not know if I would be happy if our positions were reversed."
Mari nudges me with her elbow. "Don't be understanding. Be mad at them. If you want a knife, you should be able to join in the games. Do you want me to talk to Raahosh?" There is an utterly fierce expression on her face, as if she would take on the entire group to defend me.
Just seeing it makes me smile. "I do not need a knife. I have everything I could want." I turn to her and reach out to brush a lock of her mane away from her face.
Mari pulls away, an apologetic smile on her face.
And as quickly as my happiness appeared, it disappears once more. I watch as she paces ahead of me, her steps brisk. She crosses her arms over her chest and stares out at the water. I am disappointed, but I am not surprised. It has been like this between us since the accident. Before, we could not keep our hands off each other. Now she pulls away from my touch. I move to her side anyhow, but this time I do not reach for her hand.
"I'm sorry," Mari says quietly. "You know it's not you. It's just…" She rubs her arms again.
"I know." But my words are sharper than I would like, edged with hurt.
We fall silent, and eventually Mari glances over at me again. "I talked to Veronica this morning. I wanted her to try again." She shakes her head. "Still nothing. Whatever she did, she can't fix it." She looks over at me and her eyes are so, so sad. "I'm sorry, T'chai."
"Do not be sorry," I tell her fiercely. "You did nothing wrong."
"She asked me, and I said yes," Mari replies with a shake of her head. "I should have said no. I should have trusted your khui to pull you through—"
I reach out and take my mate in my arms, ignoring her flinch. "My khui knows you have my heart."
"Mine doesn't," she whispers.
"Then we will convince them ourselves. If they sang for us once, they will sing for us again." I am certain we can coax them again, given time. She just needs to trust me, to trust my khui. "We just need to try." I touch her cheeks, so cold due to the chilly breeze. "Come to my furs tonight?"
She hesitates, and then nods, giving me a smile. "Tonight."
MARI
God, I really want to talk to someone.
More than anything, I want to talk to T'chai—my other half—but this is the one topic we can't ever seem to agree on. Someone other than T'chai. After we finish our walk on the beach, I take my time heading back to the Ravenclaw cave, as Callie calls it. Working on cleaning the scavenged parts free of salt and grit usually helps me focus. It's a mindless stream of never-ending work, but I actually enjoy it because it lets me think about other things. Most days, Callie joins me, but I know today she's going to be watching the beach games. All of the tribe's going to be there, I think, and I'm not entirely surprised when I see Mardok has turned the lights off in the cave and put his tools away. No doubt they're going to watch the games, too.
I guess that means I should go, too, but something inside me is reluctant to do so. Maybe it's the fact that I don't feel like we belong, T'chai and I. We're “flawed” and I feel like we no longer fit in with the group. They all stare at us when we get together. One on one, I think the tribesfolk are great. But in a big group, everyone watches us and it makes me antsy.
It's like they're all waiting to hear us resonate again, and I know it won't happen.
I know that just as surely as I know how wrong my cootie feels in my chest. It hasn't felt like “mine” since Veronica turned it off. And I know her turning it off was my choice…
But it doesn't change the fact that it's fucked everything.
I see everyone gathering on the beach, and Lauren is there with the thick of them, her mate K'thar's weird-looking bird perched on her shoulder. Other than Callie, I'm closest to Lauren, but I don't want to pull her away from the fun. I guess I'll just stew silently…alone.
Farli races into the Ravenclaw cave and pauses at the sight of me. "Oh. I did not realize you wished to work this day, Mar-ee. The others are going to watch the games. You should come." She beams me a brilliant smile, all happiness and light. Farli is pure joy in human—or alien—form, and it's easy to see why Mardok adores her so. She's strong and capable but utterly sweet and always smiling. I envy her.
"I don't think I'll watch," I admit. "I think I'll just stay here…by myself."
"Alone?" She picks up her light fur wrap—probably the reason she returned—and pauses in the entrance to the cave. "Are you well, Mar-ee? You look unhappy."
I fight the urge to go and hide under the nearest table. God, am I going to do girl talk with Farli? Farli who poops rainbows and smiles sunshine? But I desperately want to talk to someone. "I have a problem, Farli," I blurt out, moving to my normal seat and collapsing there. "Everything's all wrong."
She immediately comes and sits beside me, and puts her fur cloak on my shoulders, tucking me in like one would a child. "Is it something I can help with? Speak it and I will do whatever it takes to make it right."
That's so…nice. I fight the urge to cry, because crying hasn't done any good, and I've cried a lot in the last few months. "I just…" I turn to her, scanning her strange alien face. Her features are more pronounced than T'chai's, her color darker. Her horns are different and she has the plated nose of the sa-khui. She's still beautiful, just very alien. "My khui is all wrong, Farli." The words come out in a whisper. "And no one can fix it."
She clucks her tongue in a motherly way, which is kind of hilarious given the fact that she's maybe twenty and younger than me. "Because the healer silenced it, yes?"
I nod, and then the tears come out anyhow, and I weep on her bony shoulder as I tell her about the terrible choice I made. That I could have left T'chai's distracted khui alone and hoped that it would heal him and risk his death, or have Veronica silence our resonance so his khui could focus on healing him. "He'd been so sick for weeks and weeks, Farli," I whimper, all snot and tears. "And I felt like I couldn't choose that. I had to help his khui, you know?"
"You chose what you thought was right." She rubs a soothing hand on my shoulders. "Vuh-ron-ca did, as well. You did not know you chose wrong."
I flinch. I don't think Farli meant it like that, but she's right. I didn't know it was going to turn out like this, or maybe I would have rolled the dice. Actually…no, I wouldn't have. My sex life with my mate isn't worth chancing his death. "And now that it's turned off, Veronica can't turn it back on. She's tried and tried, but my cootie just ignores her."
"A khui is a strong-minded thing," Farli says gently. "And Vuh-ron-ca is young in her powers. Maylak took many turns of the seasons before she felt strong in her abilities. Your human healer will grow stronger with her abilities. Give it time."
Maybe she's right. Maybe I just need to give Veronica time. There's no sense in me pestering her constantly about it. It just makes us both feel awful, and then Veronica cries, and then I spend my time comforting her when really, I want someone to comfort me. I swipe at the tears on my face, letting out a shuddery sigh. "My khui has changed, though, Farli. It…doesn't like T'chai's anymore. Not only does it not sing to him, but…when he touches me, it feels…wrong." I shiver. "Bad. Like my khui's telling me no." I hesitate. "It makes things difficult between us."
Difficult? I should have said “impossible.” It's impossible to like sex when every touch your mate gives you feels like it's making your skin crawl. When you can't get aroused no matter what you do because your khui doesn't like it.
And your mate isn't affected the same way for some stupid reason. It's not fair, and it makes things worse. He wants me. He wants to kiss me and hold me and touch me and make love, and every time he reaches for me, my body acts like it wants to vomit.
It's a nightmare.
"You cannot take pleasure in a mating?" Farli asks, shocked. "Truly?"
Well now I feel like even more of a freak. I can't wait for her to leave so I can crawl under the table after all. "Yes," I say in a small voice. "No matter what we do."
She thinks for a moment. "Perhaps…herbs? My mother has herbs that she uses. It is good for mating when the cunt is too dry for pleasure. If you chew it, it makes the cunt soft and wet. Mother says it does the trick."
I pull away from her, blinking. "Your mom told you about this?"
Farli looks surprised. "Of course. My mother still mates with my father. Do you think the elderly do not mate?" She laughs. "I have seen them in the furs. They are still quite vigorous!"
We are now officially in a super oversharing zone…but it's an idea. "An herb, you say?"
"To get your cunt good and slippery," she agrees with an emphatic nod.
I'm willing to try anything to get past this weird dislike my body now has of T'chai. "How do I get this herb?"
"I am certain the healer has some. It is also good for headaches." She giggles, as if the thought strikes her as funny. "I wonder if the two are related."
I manage a small smile.
Farli goes and retrieves the herbs for me while I wait in the Ravenclaw cave. I give her the excuse that I've already bugged Veronica once this day—which is true—but the truth is, I need to hide my crying. If T'chai sees that I've been weeping, it's going to hurt him.
And I hurt him enough as it is.
So I brush sand and salt off of tiny alien components while I wait for Farli to return and for my puffy eyes to dry. She comes back a short time later with a wide smile on her face and a pouch in her hand. "Success!" She leans in and winks at me in an exaggerated fashion. "And do not worry. I told Veronica my cunt was feeling scratchy. She asked no questions."
Poor Veronica. I can only imagine the look on her face. I giggle and give Farli a smile. "Thank you." I touch my cheeks. "Are my eyes still red?"
She pats my arm. "Your eyes are blue. Khui blue."
Right. I always forget that shit.
We leave the cave together, and I tuck the packet of herbs into my leather breast-band under my tunic. Outside, they're still setting up on the beach, and it makes me wonder what's taking so long. Maybe it's an obstacle course, though we haven't had good luck with those in the past. I still remember Sam's shrieks of terror from the last one, when her team collided with Devi's team and gave the tall scientist a serious knock on the head. I glance down at the beach and there are several people pointing and arguing. Ugh, no thanks.
I don't see M'tok or S'bren with the crowd, but Penny and Callie are standing near the arguers. I do see R'jaal, his arms crossed, and Tia flirting away at him, her hand on his chest. Whatever that girl's got going on, I wish I could bottle it for myself. I glance over at the fire and spot my mate.
Just the sight of him still takes my breath away. I pause as our eyes meet and he gives me a slow, secretive smile from across the camp. He's just as gorgeous now as he was the first day I met him—more, even, because he's filled out. He's no longer impossibly lean with his ribs showing. He's beefed up and while he's still not quite as barrel-thick as K'thar, his arms are thick and his shoulders seem impossibly wide. Even now, I can see that his arms are stretching the leather tunic he's wearing, as if it can't quite contain him. I'll ask Callie to help me make him another, I think. He's not a big fan of all the warm layers that this land requires, but he also can't run around in little more than a loincloth like Taushen and Farli do. They're used to the cold. It still bites at T'chai's warm island bones.
Plus, I kind of like that he's covered up. The jealous part of me likes being the only one that gets to see his hotness.
"Good luck, my friend," Farli whispers, leaning over my ear. "May your cunt be extra juicy tonight."
Weird, but I'll go with it. I really hope it is, too. I put my hand over my chest, feeling the crinkle of dried leaves in the packet. Please, please let this help things.
I love T'chai, but my khui's response is tearing us apart.
13
MARI
Even though I've been mated for months now, I'm nervous about tonight. We've given the whole “relationship” thing a few half-hearted shots, but it was easier when he was still recovering. We'd kiss a few times and then I'd say I was tired, or he was tired, but we both knew something was wrong. We haven't tried to have sex since he's recovered. I've even been sleeping in a separate pile of furs. At first it was because I didn't want to accidentally touch one of his still-healing wounds, but now it's just…what we do. He hasn't asked me to sleep with him again, and I haven't suggested it.
It's hard to suggest intimacy with your partner when you don't feel much of anything at all.
Ever since Veronica “turned off” my cootie, things have felt odd. Distant. Even when T'chai was sickest and I worried that all of Veronica's healing wouldn't work, it didn't truly hit me. It's like my emotions were muted when my khui was, because nothing seems to affect me. I didn't
feel great joy at the sight of T'chai walking around again. Relief, yes, but it's a much milder emotion than joy. Shouldn't I have felt more? And I haven't felt the need to hide lately. When we first got here, I wanted to hide all the time because it helped soothe the anxiety of being stranded on an alien planet. Now…I can't find that I care much at all.
I haven't shared this with the others because I don't think they'd understand. I hinted at it to Callie one day and she looked at me like I was crazy. I didn't bring it up again. How do you explain to anyone that your khui isn't right? That it's on strike and it's gone and taken all the good things in the world with it? It's like the only thing my khui reacts to are the things it doesn't like…
Like when my mate touches me.
It's a hell of a position to be in, and it's miserable. I feel very alone, even on this now-crowded beach that seems to brim with couples. One by one, they've been pairing off, and I've been happy for my friends. Life's dealt us a shit hand, so why not try and enjoy what we've got, right?
But it's hard to be around so much happiness and public displays of affection and know there's something wrong with you. I've drifted away from my friendship with Lauren because we both resonated to our men at the same time, but she and K'thar are cute as buttons and it makes me envious.
Even now, as I sit around the evening fire with T'chai at my side, I try not to watch Lauren too closely. I don't want to see her give her mate that secret smile, or watch him touch her belly. I eat my soup and listen half-heartedly to the conversations.
T'chai's in a good mood, at least. He talks to R'jaal about the differences in casting nets in the water here, and they discuss weights and doubling strands while Tia tosses her hair and flirts with both Sessah and I'rec at the same time. U'dron watches Raven with a look of fierce longing on his face as she shows her shell tambourine to Bek and Elly. She's utterly oblivious to his crush, though it's been evident to the rest of us for a few weeks now. I notice the other women sit with their mates or cluster together—Steph, Sam, Flor, and Bridget huddle on one of the fallen logs, piled together and occasionally whispering.