Walking around to the back of the house again, Colton noticed she was no longer outside. Climbing the deck stairs, he went to the kitchen door and knocked. It felt ridiculous considering he had full run of the place just a few days ago, but he didn’t want to overstep his bounds.
Her smile was warm and welcoming as she opened the door. “You didn’t need to knock,” she said softly, stepping aside for him to come in. “Are you all finished?”
He nodded and explained that he’d be back with the inspector in the morning.
“And you think everything will pass? There won’t be any other issues?”
“I’m going to be here with him so if anything comes up, I’ll handle it. There shouldn’t have been any issues as it is, so if this guy is going to be a ball-buster, I’m going to be one right back.”
She smiled at his words. “Can I get you something to drink? Some water? Sweet tea? Or…”
“I’m good, but thanks. I need to go check on the guys over at the yacht club job. I left them with a list of instructions, but…”
“It’s after four, Colt. I’m sure they’re gone by now. You always end your day at 3:30.”
Damn. She was right.
“Yeah, but…I need to go make sure it all got done and check in with Jake about some inventory issues,” he said, not looking at her. He was studying his boots and wishing he could just leave.
“This is crazy,” she said after a minute, her voice laced with frustration. “We need to be able to spend time together without you trying to run out the door, Colton!”
“I’m not trying…”
“Yes, you are!” she cried. “I don’t want things to be awkward between us! We’ve spent far too much time together working toward the same thing and I hate that you don’t seem to want to be here with me to see it all through.”
He studied her hard for a moment. “So that’s all this is? About the inn?”
“Um…”
“What is it you want from me, Susannah?” he asked wearily, his hands dropping to his sides helplessly. He didn’t want to argue with her, but he certainly didn’t want to just be her buddy or the contractor who helped with the inn.
“I just want to talk to you, Colton. I miss talking to you.” The sad look on her face told him she was just as miserable as he was. He wanted to tell her she wasn’t being fair, wanting to have her cake and eat it too. Unfortunately, this was all new to him and he had no idea what the rules were.
“We’ve been talking all day and...and I just think it’s best if I go.”
She took a step toward him. “You know what I meant. We spent all day talking about the inn and the work you were doing. I want a chance to sit and talk about you. Us.” She paused. “How are you doing?”
He went from feeling sad to incredulous. Was she serious right now? “How am I doing?” he asked with a hint of sarcasm. Over the last year he had never shied away from expressing his feelings in front of her. He knew he was capable of being angry, but never once had he directed that emotion at her.
Until now.
“Um…”
“I’m miserable, Susannah!” he said loudly. “You turned my whole life upside down Saturday night and I’m still reeling from it! How do you think I’m feeling?” He hated seeing her flinch, but she needed to understand just how hurt he was.
If he was expecting her to shy away from a confrontation – like she had on Saturday night when she opted to leave rather than stay and talk things out, he was wrong.
“I’m miserable too, you know! Do you think this is easy for me?”
He saw the tears well up in her eyes, heard the catch in her voice and it was almost more than he could bear.
“I honestly don’t know what to think,” he said miserably, raking a hand through his hair. “You just walked out Saturday night, Susannah. You didn’t want to talk and now you do. Well…maybe I’m not ready to talk yet.”
The first tear fell and he saw the defeat in her eyes before she looked away. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I…I was being selfish.” Then he heard her murmur something under her breath like “When will I ever learn” and how she was being selfish, and he reached out and gently forced her to turn around and look at him.
“What is going on?” he asked softly, his hands gently clasping her shoulders. “You are the least selfish person I have ever met, Susannah, and it pains me to hear you say that about yourself.”
“How can you even say that?” she asked as her tears fell in earnest. “I walked away from you – from us – Saturday without taking your feelings into consideration. I didn’t want to talk so I didn’t. I wanted to leave, and I did. That’s selfish, Colton.”
Okay, she totally had a point there, but he wasn’t going to outwardly agree with her.
“So talk to me now,” he coaxed, reaching up to wipe away her tears.
“You said you didn’t want to.”
He shrugged. “I changed my mind.” Unable to help himself, he leaned forward and rested his forehead against hers. “Talk to me, Suz. Please.”
Shaking her head, she looked down. “I never wanted to hurt you. You have to know that. And if I could, I would change the way I acted Saturday night.”
For a minute, he had hope. Was she saying what he thought she was saying?
“I should have stayed and talked to you,” she went on. “And I definitely would have explained to you much sooner why I never want to get married again.”
And just like that, all hope was gone.
Again.
Swallowing hard, Colton forced himself to speak. “Tell me why.”
But before she could answer, he took a step back and gently took one of her hands in his and led her out to the living room so they could sit. As much as he wanted to hold her while she talked, he thought it was best to sit at the opposite end of the sofa.
For more than an hour Susannah talked about her failed first marriage – most of the information wasn’t new to him – but the insecurities her ex inflicted on her were. It was something they had never really talked about. They had each shared a bit about their failed marriages but…Colton looked at Susannah and saw a woman who was a survivor. She had dealt with the end of a bad marriage and stayed strong for her children. He saw her as a success. To hear her talking about the doubts that still plagued her all these years later was a bit of a shock.
How had he missed the signs?
When she finished talking, he could see she was exhausted. Moving closer, he took one of her hands in his. “Susannah, I know I can’t sit here and tell you that the way you feel is wrong. No one has that right. But I can sit here and tell you that the woman you just described is not the woman I see.”
She blinked at him as if she didn’t understand.
“I hate that Mark did all of that to you,” he said. “I truly am. But you know what? He’s the loser in this scenario. He’s the selfish one. Not you. He missed out on so much because of his selfishness.” He squeezed her hand. “I may not have ever had kids of my own, but even I know that parenting is hard. And rather than stick around and deal with that, he left. You stayed.” He kissed her hand.
“Colton…”
“You stuck it out,” he went on. “You had twins to raise and you did it alone. You got them through all the tough years – puberty, high school, dating…” He shuddered for dramatic effect. “And you did it on your own.”
“They were my babies…”
“Weren’t there days you wanted to just throw in the towel? Days when they made you crazy and challenged every word you said?”
She laughed softly. “They still do. And yes.”
“But you stayed. That’s not something a selfish person does, Susannah. You raised two amazing people and when Mallory walks down the aisle with Jake, you’re going to be there to see it. Mark won’t.”
She nodded and wiped a stray tear away.
“And when Sam does the same with Shelby, Mark won’t be there to see it. When you hold your first grandchild in
your arms and see the look on your child’s face at the realization that they’re a parent now too, Mark won’t be there for that either. Why? Because he selfishly walked away from his family because he didn’t want the responsibility. And people like that, Susannah, they have to make everyone else look bad so it takes the attention off of their own bad behavior. You weren’t a bad wife or a bad person. Mark just needed you to feel that way so he could justify his shitty actions.”
“I don’t know how to undo any of this,” she said after several minutes. “I’m not sure I can.”
“You don’t have to work all that out today,” he said, bringing her hand to his lips again and kissing it. “You take all the time you need.”
“But…what about you?”
Good question.
Maybe he was setting himself up for more heartbreak. Maybe things were never going to work out the way that he wanted. But for Susannah, he’d let her break his heart over and over again if it meant that she came to realize her worth – that she deserved love and to be happy.
Squeezing her hand, he replied, “I’m not going anywhere. We’ll get through this together.” Then he paused. “That is, if you still want me.”
Her smile was both sad and lovely at the same time. Reaching out, she cupped his face in her hands and kissed him.
5
The sun was shining.
The batch of muffins were picture-perfect.
And she was happily singing along with Def Leppard about pouring some sugar.
“So…you’re back together with Colton.”
Susannah jumped as she looked over her shoulder at her daughter the next morning. With a smile, she asked, “What are you talking about?” Walking across the room, she turned the music down.
“Mom, please. I saw his truck here yesterday afternoon and it didn’t leave until this morning. I even asked Lisa to open the shop for me because I was waiting for Colton to leave so I could come over and talk to you.”
She felt herself blush. “Oh.”
“And on top of that, I seem to remember how you usually blasted eighties metal whenever Colton left in the morning – particularly after a date night.”
“Oh.”
“Oh? That’s all you can say? Oh?”
She couldn’t help but laugh. “Fine, we’ll talk. But why don’t you go make us some fresh coffee and heat up a couple of muffins while I finish ironing these cloth napkins. Deal?”
Mallory smiled brightly. “Deal.”
Once she was out of the room, Susannah sagged with relief. She was still coming to grips with the last twenty-four hours herself and had been looking forward to having some time to herself when her daughter had shown up.
What she had meant to be a sweet, thank you kiss after Colton said he wasn’t going anywhere turned into a wild, sex-fueled afternoon and evening.
And morning.
Just the thought of it still made her blush.
The first few times she and Colton made love back when they were newly dating, Susannah insisted on having all the lights off. She wasn’t a young woman anymore and had more than her fair share of body issues. There were stretch marks from having babies and things were a lot softer and saggier than they once were. More than once she had cried at the unfairness of finding a man who made her feel desirable while her own body image held her back.
She got over that eventually and, considering how they made love in the full light of day, she knew Colton had no issues with her body.
And she knew how much she loved his.
He was in incredible shape – largely due to the physicality of his job – and she had spent more than an acceptable amount of time marveling at him. Any time she mentioned how sexy she thought he was, he teased her and said it’s because he was still a young guy and she’d have to remind him that he wasn’t that much younger than her.
Which was another thing that took her a while to get used to.
“I have issues,” she muttered, folding another cloth napkin. Ironing was one of her least favorite chores, but this morning it seemed like the perfect mindless task while she had some quiet time.
“Do you want blueberry or banana nut?” Mallory called out from the kitchen.
So much for the quiet.
“Blueberry, please!”
Turning off the iron, Susannah stepped away from the board, walked over to the front window and looked out. Colton left an hour ago and he was going to be back within the hour with the inspector. The last thing she wanted was to have to make small talk with the man who almost caused her to miss her opening date, but she’d do it if she had to.
“So?” Mallory sang as she walked into the room with a tray full of their coffee and muffins. She placed it on the coffee table and sat down with a knowing grin on her face. “Let’s talk!”
“You’re getting yourself all excited for nothing,” Susannah chided as she sat down.
“Oh, really? So you’re telling me that Colton didn’t spend all day yesterday and all night here last night?”
“I didn’t say that…”
“Then are you going to try to say that it was just time for the two of you to talk things out and that’s all you did? And that it took all night?”
“I didn’t say that either,” she replied primly, reaching for her coffee.
“Mom!” Mallory cried with exasperation. “For the love of it! Just spill it!”
A slow grin spread across Susannah’s face behind her coffee cup. Sitting up straight, she turned to her daughter. “Would you prefer it if I told you we had a night of wild, monkey sex to some Guns N’ Roses’ Welcome to the Jungle as a way to seal the deal?”
Beside her, Mallory choked on her muffin to the point that Susannah had to pat her on the back to make sure she was all right. “Jeez, Mom! What the hell?”
Still smiling, Susannah took another sip of her coffee. “You were being a little too smug so I figured I’d give you something to think about.”
“Ugh…I do not want to think about you having crazy monkey sex. That’s just wrong.”
“And yet, it happened.”
“Mom!”
“What?” she cried, laughing. “Are you telling me that you and Jake never had…”
“Do not say that phrase again!” Mallory interrupted. “And I’m not saying that we do or don’t, but if we do, I’m certainly not going to tell you about it!”
“Oh, stop. It wasn’t like I was offering specifics,” Susannah said mildly. “I’m just confirming that we did more than talk yesterday.”
“Okay, then. Well…good. And other than all the…you know…what’s going on with the two of you?”
“It wasn’t the easiest conversation to have,” she began. “I don’t like having to admit to all my flaws.”
“You don’t have any, Mom.”
“We all have them,” she corrected. “And honestly, Mal, I carry a lot of baggage because of your father.”
“I know and I get it, but…it was so long ago and you’re so much better than him and better off without him! We all are! Why are you still letting him live in your head?”
Good question.
“Some things you don’t get over too easily.”
“I get that, but you’re holding on to something that doesn’t even make sense anymore. You’ve proven over and over again that you are this amazing person!” Mallory said, taking one of Susannah’s hands in hers. “You are this incredible role model – someone I can only dream of being! You’re strong and loving and compassionate and Sam and I are so lucky to have you!”
“Mal…”
“I’m serious! Don’t let Dad keep doing this to you. He’s not worth it. It’s like you keep letting him talk to you even though none of us have heard from him in years! We’re all so much better off without him, Mom. Especially you. Don’t let what he did ruin what you have with Colton.”
Clearly Susannah was the only one who believed the things Mark said to her. But how…
Shifting to get more c
omfortable, Susannah placed her mug back down on the table and looked over at Mallory. “Do you think we can talk right now as…friends…rather than mother and daughter?”
“Of course,” Mallory replied, breaking off a piece of her muffin.
“When you’re young and in love, you have confidence and hope and even if you’re insecure about something, it doesn’t feel so big – and if it does, you tend to get over it quickly.”
Mallory nodded.
“You get older and mature a bit and you take what you’ve learned from all of your previous relationships and they make you into the person that you are. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes…not so good.”
Another nod.
“I can remember dating your father back in high school.” And for some reason, she smiled. “We were both so young and clueless about so many things, but we didn’t care. We found out we were pregnant and even though we were scared, we just felt like we were going to be okay because we had each other.”
“I can’t even imagine being so young and starting a family,” Mallory said before taking a sip of her coffee. “And to have twins must have freaked you out.”
They’d had that particular conversation before and it wasn’t where Susannah was going with this one.
“Unplanned pregnancy aside, I remember being confident in who I was and how I looked. All during my pregnancy, I still felt good. Your father never commented on my changing body and when it took some time to get back in shape after you and Sam were born, well…I still felt good. I was nineteen and things sort of bounced back, if you know what I mean.”
Laughing softly, Mallory nodded.
“But time goes on and your body changes and then your relationship changes and the things you’re insecure about get thrown back at you,” Susannah explained quietly. “And you don’t realize how much damage has been done until it’s all you’re left with.”
“Mom…”
All The Befores Page 5