by Amanda Fleet
Out here, I had no money, no job, no home and no Finn. Out here, I had nothing left of my old life.
The rain had eased, so I squeezed out of the niche and started climbing down the rock face, more by touch than vision. My boots gripped the slick surface well enough; it was my fingers that were letting me down. About ten feet from the bottom, the rock my left foot perched on, crumbled. Neither hand had a good enough hold, and I fell, banging hard against the stones on the way down, and landing in a heap at the bottom.
Winded, I did a mental top-to-toe, stretching muscles; checking joints. Nothing broken. Nothing badly sprained. I brushed myself down and stared down the thin path at the base of the cliff. Before I did anything else, there was somewhere I needed to be.
***
Within half an hour, I sat on the wet ground, arms hugging my knees, staring at a grave. Finn’s mother’s. The headstone stated she’d died five months after Finn. I rubbed my nose, my heart heavy. Finn had tried so hard to protect her, and then within months of his death, she’d died. I chewed the inside of my cheek. She’d been the closest thing to a mother-figure for me, too. Who else had I lost?
I looked back to the grave in front of me, resting my chin on my knees. The sun would be up in about an hour, I guessed.
“Hey, Finn. Long time no see.”
“Hey! You’re back! What are you doing here? I thought you’d gone for good.”
My heart lurched, then settled. Finn sat next to me, his arms wrapped around his legs, his head on one side as he peered at me. He was semi-transparent, the other graves visible behind him. That was new. When I’d seen him in the cottage, just after he’d died, he’d been almost solid enough to touch.
“Long story.” I glanced at the headstone next to his. “I’m so sorry about your mum. What happened?”
Finn bunched his lips, saying nothing for a moment. “Dad.”
My anger flared; anguish following hard on its heels. The very thing Finn had been terrified about. If I’d been here, could I have stopped it?
“Oh, God.” I blinked hard. “At least you’re with her though,” I offered, though it barely touched what I was feeling.
His sad, lopsided smile almost broke my heart. “It doesn’t work like that. I wish it did.”
I ached to be with him again. “How come you never came to me in The Realm? I needed you so badly!”
He frowned. “I tried. I couldn’t enter. I’m not a Guardian.”
“Oh.”
“Who’s this guy, by the way?”
Finn tipped his head. Just the other side of his headstone sat an ethereal figure about the size of a man. He had no real form – he was best described as a collection of grey shadows. There was no face, just a deep hood where the head would be. He clutched a small ball of light in long shadow-fingers.
“That’s a Guide,” I said.
“What’s that? What does he want? He keeps following me around.”
The Guide gestured to me, miming giving the light to Finn. I remembered what the book Lilja had given to me had said. A person was made up of three things: a physical body, a character, and energy. Since Aegyir had stolen Finn’s energy and killed him, his character had been trapped in Chaos – unable to move to a new body without energy to give the body life. A lump formed in my throat. When I dispersed Aegyir, I’d released all the energy he’d stolen, including Finn’s. The Guides were responsible for collecting it up and giving it to the lost characters, so that they could be reincarnated in a new body.
“I think he wants to give you your energy back,” I said.
Finn brightened. “So I can come back? Be with you?”
“No.” My heart broke. “So you can leave Chaos. Find a new body.”
“Oh.”
Once the Guide gave him the energy, Finn would be lost to me forever. Yes, he’d be reincarnated. As someone twenty-two years younger than me. In the wrong Realm. I would never see him again. Not like this. Not like the man I’d loved with all my heart.
The Guide fidgeted, and I shook my head at him. Not yet. Not yet.
Finn looked across at the shadowy form. “Is he going to keep following me until he gives me that light?”
“Yes.”
“When he gives it to me, what happens?”
I swallowed the growing lump in my throat. “You get to live again. As a baby.” My voice cracked. “With no memory of this life.”
Finn eyed the Guide unhappily. “What if I don’t want that?”
“I don’t know. But you’ve faded since I last saw you. I can see through you now.”
Finn chewed his lip. “I don’t want to go. I don’t want to have no memory of you.”
The Guide shifted again, waves of impatience billowing out of the shadows.
“I’m not sure you get a choice,” I said, my voice small. Would I choose a new life over fading away? The idea of not remembering my life with Finn killed me. But maybe I would hurt less if I couldn’t remember what I’d lost.
Finn moved closer. “So, what’s your news? How come you’re back?”
I turned to him, craving some physical contact with him. “I’m looking for Aegyir.”
Alarm flooded his face. “He’s here. Where he was when you left. He keeps changing what he looks like. Be careful. He’s strong.”
“Mm. I have this bit of rock protecting me.” I showed him the talisman. “Apparently he can’t hurt me or possess me while I’m wearing it.”
“Handy.”
I rested my cheek on my knees, drinking him in. “And my name’s now Aeron. And I’m married.”
His face fell. “Oh. I must have missed the invitation.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
He cocked his head, and I sighed.
“I didn’t choose to be married. Stephen threw me through the rock face into The Realm, and boom, apparently, I’m actually someone called Aeron, and married to this guy called Faran. If I was going to choose to marry anyone, it would be you!”
He smiled. “So what’s this Faran bloke like? Oh! Don’t tell me he’s the really hot guy you always said you were married to in your dreams.”
I laughed. “Ah, sorry to break it to you, but he is.”
“Hm.”
I gazed at him, faint as he was, missing him more than ever. “He hit me.”
His head shot up and his fists clenched. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“He thought I was a traitor. He’s been good to me since. He says he loves me.”
“Yeah, well, Dad always said he loved Mum and look what happened there! Can you leave him?”
I looked at his fists, smiling to myself. Even dead, Finn tried to protect me. “No. I don’t have any choice over being with him in The Realm.”
“That doesn’t make me happy.”
“He’s okay. I believe him when he says he won’t hurt me.”
Finn scowled, then stared at me, chewing something over.
“What?” I chivvied.
He raised his brows. “Is he good in bed?”
“I’ve no idea. We’re only married on paper.” The Guide moved closer to Finn and my head whipped towards him. “Just wait! It’s his choice when to go, not yours!”
Though that wasn’t true. If Finn faded much more, the Guide would just put the light in him, anyway.
I frowned. How did I know that? I just did. The way I knew The Realm, presumably.
“Does that thing not speak?” Finn shifted away from it, his movement bringing my attention back to him.
“No.” I needed to talk about something else. “Is someone living in our cottage? Is that why you’re here?”
“Yeah. You never came back. I waited and waited. Everyone did. Everyone wonders if you’ve died. Especially since you’d left enough booze and pills out on the table to finish off several people.”
“How’s Paul?”
Finn shrugged. “I don’t know. He went back down south, eventually. He spent weeks up here, searching for you.”
Should
I try to tell Paul I was okay? Would that make things better or worse? That depended on whether I ended up staying here or not.
“What made you come back to look for Aegyir?” asked Finn.
“Faran and two others are supposed to be coming out to find him, but none of them speak English or have the first idea what it’s like out here, so I’ve come to see what I can find out for them.”
“Couldn’t you all have come together?”
“No. It’s complicated.”
Finn moved closer. I would have sworn I felt his arm touch me, but it was probably all in my head. Steady mizzle soaked my hair, chilling me.
“What’s Faran like?” said Finn.
I didn’t want to think about Faran. I wanted to think about Finn. “He’s okay, actually. Despite hitting me when we met. I believe him when he says he loves me.” I closed my eyes, pushing my wet hair back, letting my mind fill with everything I missed. “He’s not you though.”
“No. He’s not dead either… Hey, don’t cry.” He tried to put his arm around me, but it passed straight through my shoulders.
I stared at his headstone. Finn Liam Cullen. Fair determined guardian indeed. How could I have lost him? He’d been everything to me. I hugged my knees, rocking myself.
“Will you go back to him?” said Finn. “Once you’ve found out what’s happening out here? Or will you stay?”
“Yes… No… I don’t know. If I stay, Aegyir will torture me and keep on killing people until he’s strong enough to storm The Realm and kill everyone there.”
Finn bit his lips, his eyes wide at the word ‘torture’.
“If I go back,” I went on. “I’m likely to be hanged for treason. Christ, Finn, I don’t know what to do.” I smeared tears down my cheeks. “I still love you too much to be able to give Faran what he wants from me.”
“I know. But Rea, you can’t grieve me forever. For a start, it sounds as if you have a murderous, evil demon to find.”
I laughed. Briefly.
“And anyway, I have to go.” Finn gestured to the Guide, his eyes filling. He drew a deep breath. “If you really trust Faran, give him a chance. But if he hurts you again, kill him.”
“Are you giving me permission to move on?” I asked hollowly.
He snorted. “No woman ever needs permission from a man. I don’t want you to be alone forever. I can’t be hurt by you being happy! If you end up with Faran, it doesn’t change one second of what we had. I’ll always know how much you loved me.”
“To the moon and back.” My voice was broken and hiccupy.
“And then all the rest. No one would have wanted us to have been together forever, more than I did. But it didn’t turn out that way. You have your whole life still. Go and live it. And try not to get killed avenging my death.”
“Oh, Finn, I love you!”
“I know. I love you too.”
He leaned forwards, his blue eyes bright. “I have to go.” His voice broke. “I have to let you go.”
“No!” I wailed.
Finn nodded to the Guide, his shoulders heaving as he cried.
“Finn!”
He blew a kiss to me, tears pouring down his face. “I love you.”
“Don’t go!” I sobbed. I reached out, but I couldn’t touch him. “Finn, I love you. Don’t leave me.”
The Guide pressed the light into Finn’s chest and my heart shattered as the most amazing, beautiful, honourable man I’d ever known, faded to nothing. I was utterly alone.
I wept until I was chilled to the marrow. When my tears finally ran out, my anger began to rise. I wanted Aegyir destroyed for what he’d taken from me, which meant three Guardians, on Realm soil. I had a bag full of knives. When I’d stabbed Aegyir before, I’d weakened him. Well then. I would find this fucker, stick him full of knives and carry him back to The Realm.
I scraped my hands over my face, gathered my feet underneath me and leaned over to kiss his headstone. “Goodbye. I’ll always love you.”
It was time to accept that I was Aeron.
***
I sat on a bench close to the entrance of the cemetery to take stock as the light shifted from charcoal to pearly grey. I needed to at least have information about Aegyir, or preferably a weakened Aegyir himself, to have any chance of saving my neck before I re-crossed the portal back to The Realm. That might take more than today, and I had nowhere to live. I had only the money I’d arrived with and an ATM card that would draw unwanted attention if I used it. I shook my head. I’d face that when it came to it.
I squeegeed the water out of my hair with cold hands. At least the rain had stopped. How to find Aegyir? Maybe walking up and down in whichever town he was based wasn’t such a stupid idea. Surely the sight of me would draw him out? But the question was, where was he? Lilja thought he’d moved, but that was now some days ago out here. I squinted at the sky, trying to work out what time it was. Still early. The library wouldn’t be open for a while. I clapped my hands on my knees and stood.
“Okay. Walk about and look like bait, it is, then. And if he doesn’t bite, I’ll check the papers in the library.”
I leaned over and kissed Finn’s headstone again, then hurried away before my grief got the better of me.
The walk into town was quiet. Still too early for many, I encountered few other people – mostly people out walking their dogs. What would I do if I came across someone I knew? I didn’t know. Run away?
As I walked through the empty streets, I had a peculiar feeling – I felt both completely at home and as if I was a total stranger. I recognised everywhere – though a few shops had changed hands in the eight months I’d been away – but I didn’t feel as if I belonged here. I passed the office block where I should have started my dream job. I wondered which of the other candidates had been given it when I never showed up.
What would I do if I actually found Aegyir? The plan was to stick as many knives in him as I could, but there were at least two flaws in that: I was only likely to find him in a crowded place so sticking knives in him might attract a lot of attention, and my ability to weaken him and carry him back to The Realm was untested. If he managed to weigh as much as me, I was sunk.
Trick him again? Promise him the invite he’d been after last time? I rubbed the stump on my right hand where my little finger should be. He’d been keen enough on getting invited into The Realm before, but I wasn’t sure he’d be fooled a second time. I needed to be able to get him away from any crowds before I could weaken him, so I’d better come up with something before I found him.
I turned into the market square. Stall-holders were setting up, putting out handmade leather crafts and exquisite carved bowls on the higher end stalls; tinsel and tat on some of the others. The Christmas Fayre. It was just over four weeks until Christmas. My heart contracted as I thought of the artificial tree Finn and I had had for years, its branches steadily losing the fake pine needles year on year. We’d made decorations for it one year – some terrible paper-chains, and angels made out of loo rolls. Finn always gave them pride of place, but I knew he was being sarcastic.
A couple of the stall-holders gave me odd looks, and I glanced down at myself. I was in my Realm clothes and looked a little as if I’d escaped from the Dark Ages. Christmas tunes seeped out from the small supermarket on the square and I cringed. Were there ever any new ones? Or would the world be condemned to listen to these awful songs forever?
I checked the clock on the town hall. Just coming up to nine. The streets were filling up. I pushed my sleeve back and shook my arm to make the charm-bracelet I wore drop clear of my jacket. Lilja had given it to me when I still lived here, and it glowed bright blue if Aegyir was nearby; otherwise it resembled a pale opal.
The smell of coffee drew me towards a cafe on one of the roads leading away from the square and made me salivate. I rummaged in my bag. I had a bit of cash on me, but if I had to stay out here for more than today, I’d need it to buy food. I didn’t care. My body demanded coffee. Now. T
hankfully, the cafe was cheap. I bought a huge takeaway cup of white coffee and returned to the square. I found an empty bench and sipped my coffee, watching as the market got busier, one eye on my charm. I wanted to sneak the knives into more accessible places than my bag, but other than the loop on my belt, I had nowhere useful I could use. The belt-loop was too visible, so I settled for leaving my bag open. At least I could reach in and grab the knives that way.
The first hit of caffeine nearly knocked me out after so many days of drinking nothing but water. I could almost feel it zipping through my bloodstream, waking up every cell as it passed. Holy moly, it was good! I savoured every mouthful, making it last as long as I could.
Just as I finished it, bright blue caught my peripheral vision. My charm. I scanned the market. Would Aegyir still look like Rick – Finn’s best friend? There was certainly no one here that even half resembled him. Time to look like bait.
I crumpled my cup and tossed it in the bin, then strolled around the market, trying to see if my charm glowed more brightly near anyone in particular.
It did.
I looked up. Standing right in front of me was a young man, maybe mid-to-late twenties, with tousled dark hair and a mischievous smile.
“Looking for me?” he said. “Aeron.”
My heart thumped hard. “Yes. We have unfinished business.”
22
The young man’s eyes flashed red. “Indeed we do.” He scanned the market. “Just you? Or is your dear husband here too? Have three of you come out? Should I be worried?”
I wanted to smash his face in. Around us, the bustle of the market went on, everyone oblivious to the fact I was standing there with a demon. To my right, someone bellowed out an offer on cheeses; to my left, a woman tried to drum up customers for packs of cards.
“Oh. Just me,” I said, keeping my temper with difficulty. “I’ve been banished again. I was hoping we could do a deal.”
The young man sneered. “And why would I trust you a second time?”
I shrugged. “Because you don’t have a choice.”