Book Read Free

Orpheus Emerged

Page 12

by Jack Kerouac

back…” And these words she repeated sev-

  eral times, and sighed shiveringly.

  The rain

  drummed and

  she waited.

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 209

  VIII

  MICHAEL, LONG

  SINCE

  having abandoned his tears, was now

  uproariously drunk. He had overturned

  his table and the waiters were leading

  him to the door.

  “Revolt! Revolt!” he kept mumbling

  drunkenly, and even as they were push-

  ing him out into the rain, and the cus-

  tomers were laughing, he kept on

  repeating these words out loud. He had

  been forced to pay for the glasses he’d

  broken, and now, with the change in a

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 211

  crumpled heap in his hand, he waved it at

  the wind and rain. He started up the boule-

  vard, staggering, and once he almost fell in

  a puddle. Pedestrians hurrying by in the

  rain have him only briefly curious glances.

  Michael weaved along the boulevard,

  and then paused to rest on a bench dripping

  with rain. There, stuffing the money back

  into his pockets, he leaned his head in his

  hands and stared at a puddle at his feet.

  “I refuse!” he choked, and got up and

  walked on.

  By now he had reached the bridge and

  began walking along the concrete ramp.

  Below, the river, softly needled by the rain,

  flowed by slowly and in darkness. A tugboat

  hooted and blew up steam towards the

  bridge. Michael stopped midway across the

  bridge and leaned on the railing to look

  down. He was standing in the shadows, and

  the rain pattered down all around him.

  “It’s cold!” he cried, and a gust of wind

  blew by, driving rain against his face. “It’s

  cold!” he repeated with mounting disgust.

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 212

  The bridge, at this point, was completely

  deserted, except for one trolley car that

  clanged and rattled by. As it passed,

  Michael opened his mouth and screamed in

  the midst of the clamour. Then he began to

  moan and sway, shivering, and huddling up

  in his coat.

  ‘I’ve never approved of this method,’ he

  thought. ‘It’s much too inconvenient, and

  too cold— But I’ve made my pact; I’ve made

  my pact. I’ll show him—the poisoner!’ “God

  has poisoned me!” he suddenly cried out

  loud. “Do you hear me? God has poisoned

  me with his damned essence!” No one was

  around; the bridge was completely desert-

  ed, and a strong wing drove slivers of rain

  across the arc lights. A big ship bawled in

  the dark distance.

  ‘But before I do this,’ Michael thought, ‘I

  should really see him—Paul, Paul. Ha ha!

  I’ll hurl curses in his face, the ape. Making

  a fool of me, stealing my poetry and saying

  that he’ll burn it, laughing at me, abetting

  Marie’s damned teasing, taunting me—

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 213

  the insensi-

  tive, stupid,

  thick-headed

  ape! The great

  genius of love

  and life, yes,

  I’ll show the

  ape...’

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 214

  Michael had suddenly begun to walk

  back in the direction from which he had

  come. He was muttering to himself out

  loud. “Perhaps I’m mad now, stark raving

  mad as they say—” He looked around, eyes

  gleaming. “When he sees me, he’ll be terri-

  fied. A lunatic! I’ll bang on his window and

  tell him his hour’s up! I’ll smother the

  wretch to death with me! He’ll faint when he

  sees me! Ho Ho! That’ll be the topper of

  them all…”

  Laughing feverishly, Michael hurried on.

  Suddenly he stopped and leaned again on

  the railing. ‘It’s a waste of time,’ he thought.

  ‘I shouldn’t even warn him. Yes, that’s what

  this is, this running to see him, it’s a sort of

  warning: he doesn’t deserve any sympathy

  of mine. I’ve none for him or anyone else.

  Calls me a failure! A failure!’ Michael looked

  down at the waters below, and carefully

  considered them.

  ‘They’ll think it’s a dishonor,’ he thought,

  ‘but little they’ll know—it’s not dishonor to

  be defeated by God. He’s put this idea in my

  head; he wants me out of the way—because

  I was seeking his impulse: and don’t think

  that I wouldn’t have found it, if I had had the

  fortitude to live on. No doubt about that, I

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 215

  know my powers! But the struggle isn’t

  worth it. Struggle is not happiness. I

  thought I would find happiness there, curi-

  ously enough— It’s a good thing I’ve been

  warning Arthur. I should really go and see

  Arthur before I do this, and warn him again,

  specifically this time. The consequences

  are what he craves, hey? I’ll bet—when the

  time comes, he won’t be so sophomorically

  secure behind his artistic philosophies, oh

  no! But maybe he’s shrewder than me,

  that’s possible… Well, this is all a pretty

  waste of time.’

  Michael suddenly leaned far over the

  railing until his feet were off the pavement

  and he was holding himself only by the

  force of his hands, which were knotted

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 216

  around the bars. “Say something, death,”

  he called to the waters below. “Smug

  silent death, omniscient death, sottish

  death. They tell me corpses dragged out of

  rivers are bloated, blue, and black, like

  puffed up bullfrogs, that they glisten with

  scum, and that the eyes are eaten out by

  rats…” Michael opened and closed his

  eyes. “That’s about to happen to me!” He

  was so drunk now, that he almost lost his

  balance; but he only laughed. The dark-

  ness below him was swirling dizzily, and

  he began to feel sick from the pernod.

  “Now!” he muttered. “This is how it will

  feel when I am plunging into the gouffre!

  Just like this! A note, should have written a

  note! Still time! Oh, it’s cold, cold, cold!…”

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 217

  IX

  PAUL, ASLEEP IN

  HELEN’S ARMS,

  was suddenly awake and shivering all

  over very violently. Helen’s hand, which

  had been stroking his hair, paused over

  his head. Paul opened his eyes.

  “I’m cold!” he pronounced hoarsely.

  Then, recognizing Helen, he plunged his

  face into her bosom and shivered violent-

  ly again, as though he had a chill. “I’m

 
cold, Helen. Is it so cold in the room?”

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 219

  Helen frowned and placed tender finger-

  tips on his brow.

  “No, darling, it’s not so cold… I don’t feel

  it. But your brow is all wet. You have a

  fever!”

  Paul was shaking in her arms. Helen

  underwent a spasm of anxiety: “Paul,” she

  cried, “you’re sick!” She started to get up.

  Paul detained her with his hand. “No

  wait,” he said. “Now, I feel all right. I’m not

  cold any more, and look, I’m not shaking

  any more…”

  “I don’t know—your face is all wet.”

  “I must have been dreaming,” Paul

  assured her. “What have you been doing,

  sleeping?”

  “I’ve been watching you, and waiting.”

  “Do you trust me?”

  “I love you and I trust you.”

  “That’s all that counts, then,” Paul said,

  and brought his head back to her bosom.

  “Oh, it’s still raining. What a terrible, terri-

  ble night. And all we do is wait and wait…

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 220

  Helen, can’t I go out and look for him? He’s

  in the bar, Leo told us…”

  “No,” Helen said firmly.

  “But I tell you—”

  “No. We can’t go to him. Don’t you know

  that he has to come to us?”

  Paul was silent. “That’s nonsense,” he

  finally said.

  “Not so much as you think,” Helen

  affirmed. “Let him come to us.”

  “I can’t sleep any more,” Paul said. “I

  think I’ll get up and prepare two cups of cof-

  fee, and I have some cookies in a bag.”

  “Let me do it.”

  “No, no!” cried Paul, jumping up and

  laughing. “Let me do it. You’re my guest.

  You’ve just arrived from a long journey, and

  I’m serving you in my role as a host.”

  Helen smiled. “Paul, you can be so silly

  sometimes…”

  “Now stay right there,” Paul cried, running

  to his cupboard—for that was what he called

  it, his cupboard—and beginning to rummage

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 221

  around. “I’ll bring you the whole meal on a

  tray, as though you were a queen. And that—”

  he said, turning triumphantly to Helen — “that

  is what you are, a queen! My queen!” He ran

  over and kissed Helen; then he dashed back to

  his cupboard. “The Queen of the Golden Age.

  Did you hear that? The Queen of the Golden

  Age! That’s what Michael would call you now,

  you know. He has all kinds of fancy terms for

  simple beauty. He would call you a symbol of

  beauty, perhaps the symbol of beauty, in the

  manner of all the poets and artists! They’re all

  crazy…”

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 222

  Suddenly, a

  violent knock-

  ing came on

  the window

  from outside,

  accompanied by

  a thick cry.

  “What’s that?” Paul asked, going towards

  the window.

  Helen didn’t answer.

  Paul hastened out into the hall and went

  up to open the outside door. A cold gust of

  rain blew in. Michael was standing in a

  puddle, with the rain dripping down his

  face, glaring madly at Paul.

  “Do I look mad?” he cried eagerly.

  “Good Lord! You’re soaking wet!” cried

  Paul. “Come on in and dry up.”

  “No!” thundered Michael. “I asked you,

  do I look mad?”

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 223

  “Yes, quite!”

  Michael smiled with satisfaction and

  shook his head to clear it of rain. “Now will

  you come in?” Paul yelled, for the wind was

  blowing hard and the rain was making a

  great splattering noise.

  Michael was smiling strangely in the

  darkness. “I’ve come to tell you,” he said,

  barely audible in the rainfall, “that this is

  your last night on earth. It’s going to be

  awful cold, my friend, where you and I are

  going, the water, and the earth.”

  A flurry of wind drove by them and Paul

  cried, “Come on in, you fool!”

  “Did you hear what I said? Your last night

  on earth?”

  “I don’t care,” yelled Paul impatiently,

  still standing in the doorway.

  “I’ll bet you’re wondering why I’m going

  to do it,” Michael went on, shouting against

  the rain, even though now he stood right in

  front of Paul and had his face right next to

  his. “Don’t you want to know the details?

  The motive, you ape?”

  Paul shook his head bewilderedly.

  “Oh,” Michael said, “so you think that

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 224

  there aren’t any specific details to this, hey,

  no motives? A man commits suicide just

  because the idea appeals to him, is that it?

  Well, you’re lucky. I wasn’t going to come,

  because I have no sympathy for you, Paul—

  but something drove me here, some idea.

  Well, now you’re going to listen to me—”

  “You’re not going to commit suicide,”

  Paul interrupted. He began to smile angeli-

  cally and blush.

  “And why not?” Michael demanded sus-

  piciously.

  “Come in and I’ll show you why,” Paul

  replied, still smiling.

  “No!” yelled Michael again. “Good-bye!”

  He had moved off towards the stone steps,

  and Paul had suddenly run out after him and

  was clutching at his coat.

  “Wait a minute!” They were both stand-

  ing in the rain now, and Paul was soon

  drenched with rain.

  “I wept,” said Michael simply, turning his

  face to Paul’s. “Paul!” he suddenly cried,

  taking the other’s hand and squeezing it.

  “Paul, a man was killed. All today, after

  what happened… Did you see how Marie

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 225

  treated me? I don’t care about her, but I tell

  you she’s an impostor that one, she revels in

  evil, she’s not a human being!”

  “You’re being childish.”

  “Oh no, I don’t think so. There are rea-

  sons. I wish I could see Arthur before I do

  this, and warn him. I was thinking about

  him on the bridge—it will be on the bridge.

  Well, Paul—” He began to pull away. But

  suddenly he went on: “And I was sick in the

  bar, and they threw me out. Do you know

  where I’m going to sleep tonight? I’m going

  to sleep in the river, alone! And you!” he

  added with savage triumph, “you are going

  to just expire in your mean little hovel…”

  “Michael—”

  “Do you want some money, Paul? Ha ha

  ha. Want some money? Here!�
�� Michael

  drew out a wad of bills from his coat pock-

  et and scattered them like seed, with a

  broad sweep of his arm, at Paul’s feet.

  “Stoop! And pick them up. They’re all

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 226

  yours. Spend them within the next ten min-

  utes, for that’s how long you have to live. Ha

  ha ha!”

  Paul was now holding Michael firmly by

  the arm, and rain poured down both their

  backs.

  “Good-bye,” said Michael, straining away

  from the other’s grip. “This is the way the

  world ends, you know. Come with me and

  I’ll recite you all the death lyrics in litera-

  ture, and the love lyrics too, just to prove to

  you how far they fall off the mark. I had the

  mark!—but it was poisoned; it was the for-

  bidden fruit with poison in it! I have a fever,

  now, I think I’m sick—that’s where I’m get-

  ting all the courage to do this…”

  Paul hung on to his arm and said nothing.

  “Remember the time I tried to hit you

  with the floor lamp?” Michael shouted. “Oh,

  I’m remembering everything now, and all

  the things I wrote that don’t mean anything,

  and the things I wrote that meant too much.

  LiveREADS

  ORPHEUS EMERGED 227

  On human terms, you see, that’s how life is.

  On human terms. I don’t want those terms.

  They’re ugly; there’s no more beauty. I

  revolt! I refuse! I’m finished! God’s defeated

  me…”

  Paul smiled grimly.

  “You smile? Do you think it’s a dishonor

  to be defeated by God?”

  “No,” Paul said simply.

  “Do you know what it’s like?” Michael

  asked, his eyes gleaming at Paul. “It’s like

  being a fish trying to live on land. One suf-

  focates. I’m suffocating in the ether; God’s

  air is choking me. I went to it in all inno-

  cence, I didn’t know it would choke me.

  Now, am I supposed to return to human

  conditions? Hey? Well, I damned well

  refuse, that’s all. Let me go, damn you, let

  me go!” And with this, Michael wrenched

  away violently. But, no sooner having done

  this, he himself grasped Paul’s arm. “Now,”

  he said, “Prometheus—that’s a funny one,

  Prometheus: Arthur called me that this

 

‹ Prev