by J. M. Ivie
“Seven years. During that time I amassed a fortune, and Nora an excellent reputation. She is skilled in the art of laces and dresses while I was more inclined to the art of the human mind. Point I am trying to make is: I have seen many people in my lifetime, and of those many there are always the snobs and the rich… the ones who believe they are superior despite everything. It is those people who do not have remorse. They don’t own a conscience, at least not one which will allow them to understand the difference between good and evil. They know only themselves, and they, in and of themselves, are inherently evil.” Gaillard ran his hand through his tight curls, barely moving them. “All men are evil, Apollo. It takes a special breed of man to see that he is evil. Once he makes the choice to not be evil… that is what makes him a good man.”
I nodded, finally understanding what he was telling me.
“Now I have told you about me, tell me more about yourself? Perhaps start with your younger years? That is always the easiest to speak of.” Gaillard smiled, gesturing to the seat beside him.
“My childhood is foggy…” I admitted, taking a seat. “I vaguely recall my mother… and remember nothing of my father. But—” I looked at him, scowling. I wasn’t sure if I should tell him. Only Zahra knew of my past. But, then again, Gaillard was different. He wasn’t raised in the Hierarchy. “I remember one thing about him. He was a Noble.”
Gaillard raised his brow, crossing his arms across his trimmed chest. Though, it had been years since he worked in the mines, remnants of his labor still showed in his physique. “Is he living, or is he dead?”
“I assume he’s alive… but, I’m not certain. He disowned me and my mother many, many years ago.”
“Just another reason you despise the Nobility, correct?” Gaillard’s voice was solid—firm.
I nodded. My head pounded as if it were being beaten from the inside. “I hate him. I always have hated him, even before he cast me out. He kept me away from—” I stopped. Something sparked—a memory—I remembered something so long forgotten. A small form, engulfed in flames. A hamlet that burned, eaten by fire and smoke.
Gaillard tilted his head. “What is it?”
I looked up at him. His face looked something between reality and a dream. “My brother,” I said.
“Why is it you suppressed these memories?”
“I don’t know.”
“Have you taken anything that could suppress memories? Perhaps that could be the root. There is a potion—”
I shrugged, pressing my hand to my coat pocket, searching for the vial. Good. It’s still there.
Gaillard sighed, resting his weight against the railing. “I suppose we must leave it at that. If you ever need help, I am just a Mailcarrier away.”
I nodded, looking out at the glittering white of the snow-covered valley. It was unimaginably beautiful. The canopy of ice and frost that shadowed the hillside slopes guided the white fawns and deer toward the forest on the other side of the river. I watched as the small flecks of snow descended over the horizon, mingling among the millions upon billions of other flakes. It all looked like a rest among a nightmare.
___
I retired for the night, slipping into the room. I pulled out the flask-like vial and played with it between my fingers. Such a small object… Yet, it holds so much. Just as I moved to open the flask, my door flew open and Nora burst in.
“Have you ever been taught the word privacy?” I shouted, shoving the vial back into my pocket.
“Yes. Nasty little word, I try to ignore it exists,” Nora quipped, sitting down on my bed. “A letter just arrived for you… The Mailcarrier said it is urgent.”
“That’s always the best.” Pulling a chair over toward the bed, I sat. “I assume you’ve tried to read it and it didn’t quite pan out?”
Her brows were strewn so tightly together that they looked as if they had become one. “You think so low of me. Honestly, I’m offended!”
“Did you?”
“Tried is a word for it. A failed attempt.”
“Well, then, I can clear any questions up if you hand it over.”
Her voice didn’t break the silence. The dimple on her brow surfaced as she scowled.
“Nora!”
“Sorry! It’s just…” she bit her bottom lip, “I can’t tell you without trying to prepare you for whatever it is first.”
“My patience is being tried,” I barked. “It may not even be bad news. You could be worked up over nothing.”
Nora stood, pulled out a slip of paper, and shoved it into my hands. “Fine!” She walked back over to the other side of the room, looking at me. “You will tell me, right?”
I nodded. There was no insignia on the wax seal… Odd. I opened the letter and began reading the contents. After the third line, my heart sank, and my entire body froze.
T W E N T Y
MY HEART SANK. I REREAD the contents of the letter several times, though, every time I read it, the reality of the situation seemed less real. I shoved the paper into the nearby drawer. “What the Lapp, Nora?” I muttered, pacing around the room.
“What?” She jumped to her feet.
“I only have two more months left at Winsdale.” I looked over toward her, and she seemed to know exactly what I was thinking.
“I’ll miss you, Apollo,” Nora muttered, blinking back her tears.
I expelled a long breath, glancing around the room. “I need to tell her.”
Nora’s eyes widened, “But, Apollo, I’m sure Beth will be there!”
“I’m sure this news—” I looked up at the drawer where I had discarded the letter, “will please her.”
___
I walked down the hall to Zahra’s room, but before I arrived, a voice spoke my name.
I spun around. It took a moment for me to notice Barak, standing in a shadow, dressed in his fighting leathers. The simple, sleeveless tunic clung tight to his athletic torso, while his black pants nearly made him invisible within the contour of the entryway.
“How did you get in here?” I asked.
“I have my ways.” He walked toward me, streaks of red blood glistened on his tunic. “I have news.” He cocked his head toward a door, and I followed.
We entered the small study, and he closed the door behind him, pulling off his mask. There was a large bruise on his cheek and a cut along his forehead. He must have taken off his mask during whatever battle he was in. Must have wanted someone to see his face before they died.
“I left an Anarchist base just three hours ago.” A muffled grunt escaped his lips as he took a seat on a wooden chair in the corner. “The fight lasted longer than I wanted. Near an hour between all the men and myself.”
“Then why are you here? Did something go wrong?” I scowled at him, unsure of his reasons for coming.
“Because, among the Anarchists were two Talismen warriors.” He paused in his speech to clear his throat. “One of them knew your mother.”
“How?” Sitting down just across from him I waited for him to explain further.
Barak leaned forward, the chair creaking as his weight shifted. “I interrogated them. I still do not know the name of the Talismen leader—none of the Talismen know their leader’s name either. When I carved out his insides with my claws, I asked if he wished to confess to anything. If he had sins he wished to beg repentance for. He was older, likely well into his forties… he spoke all. He told me everything as the blood dripped from his mouth.”
My stomach clenched and my throat swelled. It wasn’t till after a few minutes of intense silence did he continue.
“Among all his sins, he admitted to taking the life of a woman named Hannah. He detailed how he snapped her neck when she would not speak. She would not tell of where her sons were… who she was. Your mother was a strong woman, Apollo.” Barak’s eyes softened. “You take after her.”
“How do you know it was my mother? It could have been anyone.”
“That is why I pressed for more information
. The Talismen soldier said they found the woman’s son… and he said his name is Apollo Faithe. All they need is you… to reveal the secret of who you are. Where you have come from. They said with the power of your family line, they can finally remake the realm.”
“Why me? How do I come into play?” I had suspected my mother dead long before this moment. Long before I sat here, assured of her death.
Barak shifted, looking at me with a scowl. “I do not know.” He dug his nail into the arm of the chair, possibly thinking over the mission. The confession. Everything. “Keep the faith, we will understand the plans of the Talismen soon enough.” Barak patted my shoulder, slipped the mission report into my hand, then exited the room.
I read the contents of the letter, though, I couldn’t fully recognize the words written. It was as if my brain refused to acknowledge the reality of it all. With a resigned sigh, I threw back the knowledge and tossed it to the side. I strode from the room and down the hall toward Zahra’s chambers.
___
I knocked on Zahra’s door, waiting anxiously. A long minute passed before the door opened. Pure, green eyes, like a blazing emerald sunrise, stared at me with passionate intensity.
“Apollo?” she looked concerned, gesturing for me to enter. “Beth will be back any minute… If she sees you—”
“Well, this is important…” I scratched my neck. The ache in my chest from her being near grew more obvious, making my resolve swirl into uncertainty. I gathered my nerves, only to have them wire out of control and fall from my grasp. I thought it would be easy… telling her I was leaving.
“What’s wrong?” Zahra tilted her head to the side. Her eyes searched my face, and it made what I needed to say even harder.
“Zahra—” I swallowed, taking her hand in mine. “I received word… I’m to be transferred in two months time.”
She squeezed my hand, looking up into my eyes. “I… I will miss you,” she muttered, resting her head on my chest. “Winsdale will not be the same without you.”
My heart stopped—then beat faster.
I pushed her away slightly, hoping and praying she was toying with me. No, she wouldn’t. It is against who she is.
Zahra smiled, pressing her palm against my cheek. The look in her eyes told me there was so much she wished to say. So much hidden behind the veil of silence. There we stood, calmed within the midst of the suspense. The silence that bore down into the room became excruciating. All I distinguished was the sound of my beating heart and my breath. I grabbed her shoulders, my heart thudding so loud I thought she could hear it. No matter what would befall me—pain or death—I needed her in my life. I couldn’t fight it any longer.
I love her…
It was in that moment I realized it. “Zahra…” I looked into her eyes. “Can you forgive me for being such an oaf? For not realizing this sooner?”
Zahra laughed, pressing her lips to my cheek. “Yes… if you tell me what it is you just realized?”
I knelt on one knee, taking her hands in mine. “Zahra,” I began. Everything in me bit back the truth that lingered in my heart. “I believe I’m a coward.”
She cocked her head to the side, as if unsure of what she should say.
“I keep running from this. This truth. I’m not brave enough.”
“Brave enough for what?” she pulled me up, keeping her eyes locked with mine.
I swallowed. I reached out and took hold of a lock of her hair, letting it twine between my fingers. Her hair, despite looking as soft as silk, was coarse. A coarseness I loved. I loved everything about her. Down to the most microscopic detail. “To admit… I love you.”
The door flung open, and we both turned. The voice of Madame Beth in the hall was clear and distinct as she yelled at someone.
Zahra pushed me away, shoving me into the small closet. It was by far the worst spot to be in. If Beth were to look at the closet, she might see my shoes.
“I am not a maid!” Beth wheezed, whipping around.
The door slammed, and my body went rigid. Every muscle tightened; every nerve fired.
“Zahra, dear, we need to leave tomorrow.”
“Why so soon, Beth?” Zahra asked, trying to remain calm. I watched her recline into her bed, twirling her finger nervously through her hair.
“Azu has requested we return promptly. He is to attend to matters off on Fiermont, and he wishes for you to be back at Winsdale when he is away. You can leave your pesky little seamstress here for a while so she can be with her brother. I’d appreciate the break.”
Beth inched toward the closet, and I held my breath. She was feet away from me, and moments away from discovering my whereabouts. I peered through the crack of the half-opened curtain.
“Beth, you are too cruel on Nora.” Zahra’s voice was on edge.
“She gives me a headache. Honestly, I’m surprised anyone can put up with her.”
“Beth. I am surprised… you’ve never been like this.”
Beth’s echoing huff sounded nearby. “It’s what happens when you lose someone you love.”
“I loved my mother too, Beth. Do you not see how that has also affected me? I haven’t turned into a bitter woman.”
“You’re still a child. A foolish, headstrong child. Someone should teach you a lesson…”
I clenched my jaw. Beth’s words were biting and unnecessary.
“I dare say you are the one who needs to learn something, Beth. I may be young… but, I still love people.”
“You haven’t been broken by people, Zahra. You haven’t seen the horrors of what they can do. And that Archivist you’re gallivanting around with… Oh, you should hear of the things he has done.”
My heart beat so loud that I barely differentiated anything other than the thrumming in my ears.
“Leave my chambers, Beth. I will not put up with your degrading remarks any longer.” Zahra stood and walked over to the door and out of my line of eyesight. The door handle turned, and the hinges hissed. “Out.”
Beth cackled. “Do you take me as a simpleton, Zahra?”
“No. I take you as an old, sour woman. You will leave. I am no longer in need of your services.”
“Oh, we will see about that. I will have a talk with your father!”
The sharp, stinging sound of skin colliding with skin. “Out.” Zahra seethed.
Beth’s angry, clicking heels echoed down the hall, and I released a breath of relief. I peered around the corner, seeing Zahra facing the wall. Her back was to me, and I couldn’t make out her emotions.
“Leave me, Apollo.”
My heart sank.
I walked slowly toward the door, feeling a chill in the air.
“What did she mean?” Zahra asked as I reached for the handle. “What did she mean? What things have you done?”
T W E N T Y - O N E
MY HEART POUNDED FURIOUSLY.
“Apollo—”
What can I say? How can I explain this? “There… are things I’m not proud of.”
Silence. Heart-wrenching silence.
“I was a soldier, Zahra. I killed in the name of Welkinia…”
She turned, “I can’t do this.”
My heart dropped. Her voice sounded so fragile as if she were in between tears and screaming in anger.
“I know. And… there’s no reason you should. I have blood on my name, and… you could lose your title.”
She scowled, “I don’t care about my title. I don’t care that you were a soldier. And, though, it bothers me that… that you’ve killed. I know you won’t continue to kill. You’ve changed and became an Archivist. You’re gentle…”
My heart leapt into my throat. She should never know what I really am.
“But, I love you too much to lose you, Apollo. What if what happened to my father happens to you? I can’t do that.”
Hope. Hope spun around in front of me. Teasing me with what could be. “We lose if we don’t try.”
She turned to face me, and said thr
ough quivering voice, “My heart already hurts so much…” She whispered, “It hurts so much, and I don’t have a cure.”
I stepped closer, daring to test my limit. “I doubt there’ll ever be a cure.” I took another step. “But, I’m empty without you. When you’re near, my heart seems like it’ll give up on me.”
She nodded, laughing despite her tears. “Sounds like we are unhealthy for each other.”
I smiled, “I suppose so. But, I wouldn’t give up my poison. You make me feel more alive than I have ever felt in my life.”
Her eyes, which had been everywhere but on me, finally settled into mine. “Am I to remain utterly addicted to you for eternity then?” she asked, seeming more to herself than me. “Sounds like a prison.” Her lip wedged between her teeth. “A prison—and freedom. How can there be such a contradiction?”
I reached out and took her hand, pulling her into my arms. “Perhaps that’s what hurts… being chained to a soul and wishing for it so badly that you feel it everywhere.”
She clung to me, as if I would vanish if she let go. “I love you. I love you more than anything.” She looked up at me. “There is one way…” she grinned. “If Azu were to give you permission to marry me, and I make a request to the Luxterrian Parliament. There’s a possibility, given time, you could become a Baron. They wouldn’t be able to hold a thing against us.”
I nodded, “And what if Azu says no? What if the Parliament declines our request?”
Zahra bit her lip. “There’s always hope.”
“Answer, Zahra…”
She raised her head, “Then… if everything falls… if everything is against us… I will still be with you.”
T W E N T Y - TWO
THE TIME CAME FOR Barak to return, and my final month to approach. It was on a warm, summer night that Zahra and I snuck into the garden. We agreed to meet every night to speak below the canopy of vines.
“Apollo?” Zahra leaned against me as we sat on the swinging bench. “Do you… do you expect the world will change? That the realm will no longer worship status or rank? Can we buck at the system?”