by Lily Zante
“I amended the article slightly,” he offers, after a lengthy pause. “But the other thing?” He shakes his head in disgust. “Surely you’re not implying that I have nothing better to do than to follow you and watch you with your lover.”
I jolt when he phrases it like that. It’s exactly the type of twisted thing he would do.
“Did you get a kick out of it?” I ask. “Watching us like that?” I don’t want to have this conversation, but his red face is the sign of guilt or something else. Eli always insisted that the guy liked me, and his gut instinct is probably much better than mine. Gerry swallows, and his face turns even redder.
“There’s being lonely, and there’s being a perv,” I state.
“I’m not lonely. I had a blind date event I should have gone to, but I felt sorry for you. You’re the one who suggested we go out for a drink.”
“That’s because I made the mistake of thinking you were a nice guy.” The shock in my voice is real, because I finally see that Gerry isn't nice. That the guy I thought was safe, and sensible, and looking out for me is in fact a sick and twisted guy who mistook my social encounters with him for something else, and who believed that I snubbed him that evening.
“I had the wrong idea about you, Gerry. And the truth is I don't understand who you really are.” Then I turn the knife in more. “I’m not surprised that your wife left you.”
“Ouch,” he mocks, full of exaggeration. “Was that supposed to hurt?”
“No,” I reply wearily. “It was merely an observation. Why did you follow me?”
He stares at me silently. I wish the bastard would say something. I think back to our conversations and the dinners and lunches and how much I confided in him.
Was it possible that I gave him the wrong idea? Was that why, despite being relatively new here, he decided to let me have this assignment, showing a preference for me and not the others who’d been here longer than I had, and who now seem to hate me because he favors me?
“Women like you are calculating, manipulative little leeches,” he says slowly, his words make my breath catch in my throat. I have no idea where he’s going with this because I don’t understand his warped and twisted way of thinking. “You led me on until you found someone else.”
“Led you on?” I shriek, almost jumping out of my seat in extreme shock. My mind races over our every past interaction, and I nitpick every conversation and look for clues as to why he would think this.
This man is deluded.
“When you got your nails into the boxer… you went for him. Even if he’d lost, you would have basked in his short-lived fame for a while, except that you’ve hit the jackpot now. Haven’t you, or have you upset him?”
The deceitful little shit smiles at me because he knows he’s ruined everything for me.
“The least I can do is to let him know you were behind the photos,” I threaten, “and you can be sure that Eli will know.”
But after betraying his trust the way I have, I can’t tell him about the photos yet. They’re an added headache he doesn’t need to know about.
I have to accept it. I’ve let Eli down, and nothing can change that. My mistake was to confide in Gerry. Now I fear that I will never find my way back to Eli again.
“As if he’d believe you,” Gerry hisses. “You waltzed into this job because of your connections, and then you clung to Cardoza like a leech. You’re no better than the hussy you claim your father’s girlfriend to be.”
I am stunned into silence. I remember telling him once, complaining, more like, about my father’s choice of partners. I was trying to make Gerry feel better when he was upset that his ex-wife had found someone.
“You’re a sick and twisted psycho,” I say, thinking of all the words I can hurl at him and only coming up with a few.
“Did I hit a sore spot, Harper?” I see fire flash behind his eyes. “I find it amusing that even when your privileged upbringing gets you a job that many would die for—many with better qualifications and experience than you—you still manage to mess things up by sleeping with the guy you’re supposed to be interviewing. You're no better than a tramp.”
I grit my teeth, searching the periphery of the room for something to hurl at him. I wouldn’t do that, but I feel the urge to. He doesn't let up. “To think I convinced Merv that this would be good for you when he couldn't find something decent to give you. He didn't want your father complaining.”
I'm so shocked that I start to shake. “Merv will hear of this, and Eli will too. Don’t be surprised if he sues you for invading his privacy and taking photos without his knowledge or consent. He’s got the money now to sue your sorry ass, and you can be sure that I’ll help him to find the best lawyers in Chicago.”
I’ve had enough of staring at his pathetic face, and there is nothing more to say. I storm out of his office and slam the door so hard that everyone looks up.
There are other people, people who I care about and have let down, and I need to make it up to them.
Chapter Forty-Six
HARPER
* * *
I haven’t spoken to my dad since that day, and I need to get in touch and ‘fix things’, but I can’t think of anything beyond fixing things with Eli first.
Nina and Eli still don’t answer my calls. In my misery, I make a detour to the diner hoping to speak with Nina. I am desperate to tell her my side of the story.
Frankie’s Kitchen is packed and a line runs all the way around the outside of the diner. Either it’s become common knowledge that Eli hangs out here a lot, or he’s in there right now.
I can’t get a peek in through the windows because people are blocking my view by standing in line. There’s no point waiting with them because even if Eli is inside, I won’t be able to talk to him privately, so I walk away.
I need to talk to him alone and I need him to listen to me. It will mean asking a lot of him, given what’s happened, but that’s what I need to do if I’m to have any chance of putting things right again.
But I doubt that things will ever be the same between us again.
I doubt there will ever be an us again.
There is a huge welcome home parade and reception planned for him tomorrow. This puts a time limit on me because I want to sort things out as soon as possible.
Later, on my way home after leaving the office, I take a detour to his apartment. When he opens the door, he looks slightly taken aback. I attempt a smile, but he doesn’t. Instead, he asks me what I want.
“Can we talk?” I ask, silently pleased that he opened the door to me at all. “I’ve called you and Nina so many times—”
“Stay away from Nina,” he growls. “You’ve caused enough damage.”
“It wasn’t me, Eli. You have to believe me. I would never do anything like that.”
“Yeah?” he cries, his voice rising in anger. “Then who the hell let that information out in the first place? My sister never knew.”
It’s as if he’s aimed an arrow at me and hit the bullseye.
“She never knew, and I never intended for her to find out, but you and your fucking big mouth, you had to go and tell the whole world. It was supposed to be private. I trusted you.”
My heart is thumping in my chest. Eli’s eyes blaze with rage and his voice is hard and sharp like a knife edge. It hurts to be on the receiving end of it. “Gerry changed my article at the last minute. He added that stuff in.”
“He added it in? Tell me, Princess, how the hell did he know what to put back in?”
His choice of endearment—dipped in poison—stings.
I hang my head in shame. “I told him not to. I told him that was personal stuff you didn’t want to reveal,” I begin to say.
“But you’re the one who leaked it to him in the first place, aren’t you? I trusted you, and I also told you I didn’t like that guy. Why the fuck would you go and tell him of all people?”
Because I was stupid.
Because I didn’t think.
Because I thought Gerry was a good guy. These kamikaze thoughts crash through my mind, but I say nothing. ‘Sorry’ seems inadequate. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to make it up to him.
I’ve hurt Eli in the worst possible way, and because I hurt Nina, he will never forgive me. They are right to hate me so much, but I didn’t set out to do this on purpose. If only I could make him see this.
“I never wanted to hurt you or Nina. I argued with Gerry about what to print.”
“The thing I have a problem with, Princess,” he spits the word out with so much venom that I edge back, “is that you told him at all. I’ll never trust you again, ever.” His brow wrinkles, as if he’s thinking of something. “But I’ll never see you again, so I won’t ever make that mistake again.”
My body slumps as if he’s physically punched me. He sees me as guilty and I can’t blame him. “I’m sorry, Eli. I’m so, so sorry. You were right all along about him.”
“Don’t go blaming the ginger dude. You wanted your story, and now you have it. You used me.”
I shake my head. “No! None of this was for the story. I would never, ever betray your trust for a story.”
“You did betray it. You don’t even know how much damage you’ve caused. You should never have said a word to Gerry, and I’m fucking shocked that you did.”
I scratch the back of my neck. He’s right. I should never have said a word. Ever. No matter how shitty I was feeling. “I’m sorry. I swear, Eli, I never meant to hurt you or Nina. It was my fault for letting that slip, and I’ll regret it until the day I die, but you have to know it wasn’t for the story. I was never going to expose any of that stuff. This is Gerry’s doing. I accept that I was the one who made the mistake of telling him. But please believe one thing, I never did it for the story, none of it. You and me, that was all real. I care about you, Eli. I love you.” I sound desperate, and it’s because I am.
“Too fucking late. You’ve done the damage, now get lost. I don’t want to see you ever again.”
He’s about to shut the door in my face. This can’t be it. I shove my foot in the way. He’s going to have to squish it if he wants to get rid of me.
“Fuck off, Harper.”
His words smack into my stomach and hold there, winding me so that I struggle to breathe.
His anger and hatred is justified. I messed up, but none of this was on purpose. My mistake was to confide in Gerry. I try again. “I didn’t know he was that twisted. You have to believe me, Eli.”
“I don’t believe you. I’ll never believe you. I should have trusted my gut from the first time I saw you. I knew you were trouble then, and you’ve proved it. How I let you worm your way into my bed, I don’t know.” He peers at me. “Actually, I do know. You came to my apartment that night and had your way with me, and as for the night after the fight. I would have fucked anyone. You were there, and it was convenient.”
I almost choke at that, because that’s not how it was at all. He knows that.
And then I realize that he still doesn’t know about the photos.
“You were desperate for me,” he continues, his words coming at me like bullets. “At least you were good for something.” His words slam into me like an uppercut and I almost stumble back in shock. In his rage, he’s not seeing it the way it happened. He doesn’t remember that he was the one who begged me to spend that first night with him after the fight, and he was the one who wanted me to stay an extra night. He begged me, it wasn’t the other way around—yet now doesn’t seem the right time to say this because he’s hurting badly.
I decide to tell him about the photos, if only so he will see that Gerry did a dirty on me too, but just as I’m about to tell him, I hear footsteps behind me. When I turn around, I’m staring into Athena’s beautiful face.
“What took you so long?” Eli asks her. She flashes him a smile that shreds my heart. “I came as soon as you called.” She’s got an overnight bag with her and Eli moves to let her in. My face falls, just like my heart bottoms out of my stomach. He doesn’t even say ‘bye’.
Instead, he slams the door in my face.
I made it back home without breaking apart. And I made it through the next day, and the day after that.
It’s as if a numbness has swept over me.
I gave up.
The only person I wanted to hear me out doesn’t want me anywhere near him.
He’s replaced me in a heartbeat.
Nothing else matters.
And so, I am numb.
The rest of the week passes. I watch the news and see the huge welcome home party that the city officials have put on for Eli. I see him with Athena, always that wretched woman by his side. I watch her accompany him to the various parties and dinners that follow.
He’s the toast of the town.
Frankie’s Kitchen is done up with lights for a few weeks following the fight. I know this because I get the cab to the gym sometimes, and I think about getting out and having a word with Eli.
Then I chicken out and walk past the diner instead.
I blew it. The one thing he never gave anyone—his trust—he gave to me, and I blew it.
I am as much to blame for this as Gerry.
The weeks crawl by.
Life at work continues.
The world carries on.
My father and I don’t speak, or call, or text. I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone, and it seems that neither can he. I’m at a loss, both personally and professionally.
I continue to see Athena with Eli in the papers and in a few news clips. It’s still in the early weeks after his amazing win, and he’s on the news so often these days that it’s almost impossible to miss him. I have to confess, it’s become my favorite pastime, flicking the channels and hoping to get a glimpse of Eli.
Another week passes, and I see the lights around Frankie’s Kitchen come down. The lines aren’t so big anymore, and I decide it’s time for me to confront Nina face to face since she still hasn’t responded to any of my texts or voicemails.
My sadness for what I’ve lost with Eli is buried deep inside my heart. It’s too fragile and raw for me to examine and dwell on just yet, but I feel compelled to confront Nina and tell her my side of the story.
She seems so eager not to give me a chance, but I am just as determined for her to hear me out.
I’ve been going to the diner very early all week, hoping to catch her on her early shift one day. It takes four days before I see her.
Her brown eyes widen the moment she sees me, and because it’s so early, there’s no one else for her to tend to, and there’s no other waitress around. It’s been almost a month since the fight, since I last saw her.
She begrudgingly comes over to take my order. “What can I get you?” she asks in a voice that has lost all the warmth I remember it for. It’s hard to believe that she and I traveled to New York together, shared a room together, and watched Eli fight together.
“A few moments of your time,” I say, and her face hardens in an instant.
“Your order. What will it be?”
“Please, Nina,” I beg. “You’ve heard Eli’s side of the story, please hear mine.”
“There is no side,” she informs me coldly. “There’s the truth, and there’s trust, and there’s betrayal. You’re guilty of the last one. I despise you for what you did to my brother.”
She walks away, and my heart drops. This is my chance, and she’s not letting me have it. But then she returns with a coffee pot and a cup, and pours me some coffee. “In case my boss sees me doing nothing,” she explains.
I relax a little. She’s willing to hear me out. “I love your brother,” I tell her, because I’m desperate for her to hear me, and because it’s the truth, and it’s all I have. “I never wanted to hurt him. Gerry did this. Eli said he was jealous, and I see that now.”
She’s set down the coffee pot, and sits down opposite me. She’s listening. This is more than I could hope for. She’s giv
ing me her ear.
“It wasn’t just that he added things to my article, he also did other things.” I lower my voice even though there’s no need to because we’re the only two in here.
“What other things?” Nina asks, suspiciously.
I don’t know how to tell her. It’s a delicate matter, but then, my father’s seen those pictures. Telling Nina is easier in comparison.
“What other things?” Nina asks, obviously getting riled up.
“Sit down,” I plead. “Will you at least sit down so that I can explain?” Her hovering over me like that is making me more nervous than I need to be.
“There were pictures.” I lower my head, because I can’t look directly at her. “Of me and Eli, in compromising positions.”
“What do you mean?”
My jaw tightens and flexes. “Just… a private moment at his place. We were… doing stuff. Normal adult stuff,” I tell her, because I can see that she looks visibly worried. “It’s normal stuff,” I reiterate. “But we were being watched, and someone took pictures.”
She puts her hand to her mouth. “You mean for the newspapers?”
I angle my head. “Thankfully, no,” I tell her. “That’s the strange thing about it. You’d think some twisted guy would want to blackmail Eli, but no… it was to get back at me, I think, because those photos were sent to my boss at work and to my dad.”
Nina gasps. It’s low, and not a high-drama gasp, but it tells me she feels my pain. “Your dad?”
I nod.
“And your boss?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Around the time that the article was printed, a day or two after the fight.”
She sits backs, obviously more relaxed now, because she puts the pencil on the table as well as her notebook. “What did your boss say?”
“He’s not happy with me. He says my article was flawed since it was biased, because of my relationship with Eli. I told him Gerry tampered with the article and that he added things I didn’t want in there, but he said that’s what good journalism is about, and that maybe I ought to consider a different career. He said a lot of things, but I won’t bore you with them.”