“Either, I guess.”
“And how do you think Brian will feel, when someday you find a man you want to settle down with, and you never even told him? Are you going to hide it from him then, too?”
Carey sighed. He knew that wasn’t reasonable.
“How would you feel if it was the other way around?” she asked.
“I guess I’d be bummed that he thought he couldn’t tell me something. Especially something important like that.”
“Can he tell you anything?”
“Sure.”
“There’s nothing you wouldn’t understand?”
“Mom, I’ve known him most of my life. He’s an open book. I don’t think he’d have any earth shattering secrets.”
His mom smiled. “He probably doesn’t think you do either. Just give it some thought.”
Jeannie patted her son’s shoulder and scooted off the bed.
“I have to finish making dinner. Want to help?”
“Yeah, okay.” He smoothed out his hair the best he could, with the gel in it, and rubbed at his eyes. “Do I look okay?”
“Handsome as ever.”
Carey rolled his eyes.
They walked downstairs to the kitchen. While Jeannie got out some vegetables, Carey cleared the table of mail and a couple of used dishes. He set the table with new dishes as he thought about the things he and his mother talked about.
“Maybe you’re right. I should tell him,” he said.
“Tell who what?” Michelle asked, bounding into the kitchen.
“None of your business,” Carey snapped. “I was talking to Mom. Go away.”
Michelle stuck out her tongue. “You can’t kick me out of the kitchen, dork.”
She opened the refrigerator and took out a bottle of grape juice. Carey glared at her as she took out a glass, poured some juice and took a loud sip. He stalked out of the kitchen in a huff.
“He’s such a baby,” Michelle muttered.
“I wish you two would at least try to get along.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Michelle protested. “He told me to go away first. What’s his problem anyway?”
Mrs. Reid smirked. “Well, he was right about it not being any of your business. Unless you want me to tell him things you tell me in confidence.”
“No.”
“Then I can’t tell you what Carey said.”
Michelle waved her hand in the air. “Aw, it’s probably something stupid anyway, like those pictures.”
Jeannie stopped peeling the potatoes and turned to Michelle. “What pictures?”
“Oh, nothing,” Michelle replied. She realized that she was close to stepping over the line of unspoken trust among siblings. Though they may not have always gotten along, Carey and Michelle usually kept each other’s secrets. Neither seemed particularly good at hiding them from the other. But it kept a sort of balance between them. Each knew that if a secret spilled, many more would follow.
“Robin took some corny modeling pictures of Carey. That’s all,” Michelle said.
She picked up the school bag she’d left earlier and hoisted it on her shoulder.
“Well, I’m gonna get started on my homework.”
Bounding back up the stairs, she instead went to Carey’s room. She found him at his desk with a book and papers out, but he was holding an unframed photograph in his hand. He didn’t notice her right away, so she quietly entered the room without knocking, a serious breach of etiquette.
Carey was looking at another photo from the day he and his friends went hiking. Robin had taken many more shots than Carey realized. The one currently in his hand was him looking at Brian while Brian laughed at something. He found the expression on his own face embarrassing. He hadn’t realized how obvious his feelings were. Carey wondered how Brian could possibly not know.
When Carey finally noticed that Michelle was in his room, he quickly tried to hide the picture under the papers on his desk. But it was too late. Michelle had seen it.
“What are you doing? Get out!” he yelled at her. “Mom!”
“Oh, yeah, let’s get Mom involved,” she smirked. “Are you sure you want to do that?”
“Carey? Did you call me?” their mother called from downstairs.
“Never mind,” Carey shouted as he glared at his sister. “What do you want?”
She shrugged as she picked up the framed photo of Brian and Carey. “I was just curious what you and Mom were talking about.”
“Why should I tell you?” he asked.
Still looking at the picture, she asked, “Is Brian mad at you or something? I thought I heard him yell at you, then leave.”
“Like you care.”
“I know you think I’m just a pain in the butt. But I do care. I don’t think Mom and Dad have noticed that you seem . . . moody, especially lately. But I have. And I think I know why.”
“You couldn’t possibly know.” He mentally cursed himself for confirming that there was something wrong. “It’s nothing.”
“I’ve seen the pictures,” she said.
“What pictures? The one you’re looking at? So what?”
“The magazine pictures.”
Carey felt the blood drain from his face. Though he was angry she’d been in his closet, he was more afraid of what she saw in there. He was trying to figure out a logical explanation for having magazines with circled pictures of male actors and musicians in his closet.
“I’m not going to tell,” she assured him.
Still silent, Carey’s heart began to pound. He felt that way every time he thought someone would guess his secret.
“It was just for an old school project. I forgot to throw them out is all,” he finally answered nervously. “You shouldn’t have been in my closet.”
“Carey?” Michelle hesitated. “Do you like boys?”
His mouth went dry. He tried to swallow, but only ended up making a strange choking sound. He blinked at her, wanting to say no, yet wanting the relief of saying yes.
“I won’t tell, I swear,” Michelle promised. “I know I tattle all the time about little things, but I won’t say anything about this.”
Carey still couldn’t will himself to answer, feeling as though he was about to start hyperventilating at any moment. Why, of all people, did his sister have to find out? She could hold it over his head for as long as it took for him to come out.
“You can trust me. I promise. Is that what you and Mom were talking about? Does she know?”
With a heavy sigh, Carey answered, “Yes.” He couldn’t meet her gaze and braced himself for the teasing that was sure to follow.
“It’s okay, you know. I kind of wondered for a while.”
“Really?” He looked up.
“Well, most people don’t think a straight guy and a gay guy could be such good friends. But then you went out with Gina, so I wasn’t sure. Poor Gina.”
“I liked Gina,” he told her. “I still like girls. Some girls. Why are you being so nice about this? This is the perfect thing to make fun of me for.”
“No, not this. Your horrendous taste in clothes, yes. But not this. You’ll have enough people making fun of you.”
“That’s why I’m gonna wait until I go to college to . . . tell anybody.”
“Even Brian?” she questioned.
“Especially Brian.”
“You really like him, don’t you?” Before he could deny it, she continued. “I saw the picture you were looking at. I’m sorry.”
Carey closed his eyes in humiliation. His sister’s calm demeanor only added to his embarrassment. Normally, he’d be able to deflect any uncomfortable attention with sarcastic, anger-filled banter.
Feeling true remorse for her actions, Michelle added, “I hope someday a boy looks at me the way you were looking at him in that picture.”
Carey took the picture back out from underneath the papers. Michelle had already seen it anyway.
“You should tell him,” she said.
He
shook his head. “I can’t. After all this time, what am I supposed to say? Hey, you’ve been open and honest with me all these years, but I’ve been lying to you the whole time. Oh yeah, and then I hit him with the big news–that of all the guys out there, he’s the one I like.” Carey crossed his arms over his chest.
“But he’s your best friend. How could that be bad?”
Carey shook his head and laughed. “You’re assuming he would automatically like me back. You know, all gay people don’t like all other gay people. You don’t like every boy you meet, do you?”
She smiled sheepishly. “I guess I thought he would like you because you’re already friends.”
“In all the time I’ve known Brian, never once did he try to make a pass at me. He’s never done anything to make me think he’d want to be more than friends.”
“Then I guess you’re in the same boat as everyone else,” Michelle said.
“How do you figure that?”
“You think you’re the first person to fall for their best friend?” she smirked.
“No, probably not.”
“Then you should tell him.”
“I don’t think it would do any good. He didn’t figure it out after I kissed–” he cut himself off.
“Kissed? Who did you kiss?” She gasped. “Did you kiss Brian?”
“Crap.”
“Then how on earth does he not know? Is he stupid?”
“He’s not stupid,” Carey defended. “I explained it away. He thought I just felt sorry for him.”
Michelle rolled her eyes. “God, he really is dense. Are you sure you want to like him?” she joked.
“No, I don’t want to like him. Believe me, it would be a lot less complicated if I didn’t.”
“Does anyone else know?” Michelle asked. “Oh, I guess Robin does. She took the pictures.”
Carey nodded. “So, you don’t think I’m gross?”
“Of course I do.” She laughed. “But not because you’re gay. I can understand liking boys. I like boys.”
Carey shook his head. It was a better reaction than he anticipated from his sister.
Mrs. Reid walked by the room carrying towels to put away in the hall closet. She stopped in the doorway when she heard them laughing.
“Don’t tell me you two are getting along. Wait, let me take a video.”
“Ha. Ha,” Michelle said sarcastically. “We don’t fight all the time.”
“Hm. Just most of it,” Jeannie replied. “Dinner is almost ready. Wash your hands and go downstairs. Your father will be home any minute.”
She continued on to the hall closet, leaving the siblings to ponder one more thought.
“What are you going to tell Dad?”
“I’m not. He’s going to hate me.”
“He’s not going to hate you,” she assured him. “He won’t understand it, that’s for sure. But, eventually, he has to accept it.” She put a hand on his shoulder, then left to go wash her hands.
Carey looked at the photograph of him and Brian.
“I hope so,” he muttered to himself.
Chapter 7
After two days of not speaking to Carey, Brian finally approached him at his locker after school. It was Thursday, the day of the staff performance.
“Hey.”
Carey turned. “Hey.” He smiled, thankful that Brian had said anything to him.
“I . . . wanted to say that I’m not mad anymore.”
“Brian, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. You’re really not mad at me anymore?”
Brian shrugged. “It was kind of stupid for me to be mad in the first place. But you never had a problem with me being gay before and I didn’t know what to say.”
“I don’t have a problem with it. That’s the thing.”
“But you never treated me any differently than you did anyone else. And then . . . you did that.”
“I know.” Carey bit his lip. “I didn’t mean to–”
“Don’t worry about it,” Brian said. “I know you were just trying to make me feel better, in some weird way. It’s been weirder not to talk to you. I just want things to get back to the way they were. Besides, I’ve got news.”
Disappointed in himself, and the situation, Carey let Brian go on about his news.
“So, you know Mark Reynolds?” Brian paused, knowing full well Carey did. “Well, he was hanging around musical rehearsal with some of his friends. And, you won’t believe it. He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him!”
Carey’s mouth hung open. “Like a date?”
“Yeah, like a date. See? I said you wouldn’t believe it.” Brian’s smile lit up his face, and Carey felt a twinge of sadness. More than a twinge.
“Are you going to go?”
“Are you crazy? Of course. I’ve been wanting to go out with him for, like, ever.”
Carey rolled his eyes. “Hardly forever. You’ve only been talking about him for a couple of months.”
“Whatever. No one else has ever asked me out before. And it’s Mark Reynolds,” Brian grinned. “I can’t believe he wants to go out with me.”
“I guess he’s got some sense after all,” Carey muttered.
Brian continued to go on about Mark and how excited he was to go out with him. Carey listened, thinking that Brian was building this up so high in his mind that the date couldn’t possibly match his expectations. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
In the middle of his ramblings, Brian paused. “We’re good, right?”
Carey smiled. “Yeah, we’re good.” He was glad Brian wasn’t angry with him anymore, but he had apparently missed his opportunity to tell Brian how he felt. At least before, Carey felt like it was his choice whether or not to tell him.
With some weight lifted from his shoulders, though not all of it, Carey found it easier to concentrate on the musical performance. He decided not to look up at the stage at all, in order to keep his focus on the music. He knew the performances were being recorded, so it wasn’t as though he wouldn’t get to see it later.
The performance for the staff went well, with just a few minor kinks along the way. By the beginning of the second act, the lighting was corrected but one microphone stopped working, and the boy who played the father needed to project in order to be heard. All in all, they were ready for their public audience the following night.
Brian's performance was spot on. Though Carey promised himself he wouldn’t watch, he couldn’t help stealing glances on stage when he knew he wasn’t playing soon. The audience raved about the show. And even though Robbie Crenshaw and the other two leads got most of the attention, someone threw a flower to Brian when he came out for his curtain call during the final show.
It was Mark Reynolds.
The three performances seemed to fly by, and before they knew it, the cast was celebrating at the Thomas home. They had graciously offered to host the cast party. Not only was their house huge, but all four of their children had been heavily involved in the theater department over the years. Wesley was the last of the kids, a junior like Brian and Carey.
True to form, Brian flitted around socializing with nearly everyone while Carey sat and talked to three, or possibly four people all night. Sharon, who was also in the pit, sat and talked to Carey for a long time. Carey liked her because she didn’t play dumb to flirt with the boys. When the conversation turned to the prom, they came up with the idea to get a group of friends and go together, since most of their little circle of friends weren’t dating. Carey glanced up at Brian as he laughed loudly.
Except Brian, he thought, groaning inwardly. He’s probably going to want to go with Mark.
He wasn’t sure if he could stand a whole night of watching Brian fawn all over Reynolds. He looked at Sharon.
“I’m sorry. Did you say something?” he asked when he noticed an expectant look on her face.
“I asked if you were sure you weren’t going to ask that girl Robin you’re always wit
h.”
“Robin? No, we’re just friends. I’d rather go as a big group.”
“Me too,” she said, but sighed softly as she watched him look out into the crowd, not realizing he was looking for Brian.
His phone buzzed. It was a text from his mother saying she was out front waiting for him.
He said goodbye to Sharon and found Brian talking with Mr. Thomas about the musicals he was in when he was in high school.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Carey said. “My mom’s here.”
Mr. Thomas held out his hand to Brian. “Nice talking to you.”
Brian returned the sentiment and the boys left, saying goodbye to various friends on their way out. On the way home, Brian was uncharacteristically quiet, looking out the window. Carey noticed that he was still clutching the flower Mark tossed.
◆◆◆
The following Friday, Carey was hanging out at Brian’s house, as he often would.
“I’ve never been on a date before. What should I wear?” Brian jumped up and looked in his closet.
He turned around and smiled at Carey. “Hey, maybe if it goes well, and we go out again, you and Robin can double date with us,” Brian said as he sifted through his clothes.
“I told you, Robin and I are only friends.”
“You say that about all the girls that like you.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Yes, you do. You said that about Sharon, and Gina, too.”
“That’s because I’m just friends with them,” Carey said, trying to think of a way to change the conversation.
“What about this shirt?” Brian asked, holding up an eggplant colored button down, short sleeved shirt.
“Where did you get that? I’ve never seen you wear it.”
“My mom bought it for me to wear to church,” Brain told him. “But since I won’t go to church, I haven’t worn it.”
“It’s pretty . . . conservative, for you,” Carey smirked.
Brian tossed it onto the chair. “You’re right. Maybe this one.” He took a salmon colored tank with a big kiss print on it and laughed.
“So much more you,” Carey laughed.
It was good to be talking to Brian again, even if he didn’t get a chance to say what he really wanted to say. Seemed like it was too late anyway, since Brian was going on a date with another boy.
Brian and Carey Page 6