But my feet stay glued to the floor, and my pride keeps me from dropping to my knees. I lift my chin up, knowing I can’t ask him to take care of me. I can’t beg him to love me. I can’t let him carry me through life when I know I can walk on my own.
My mother showed me exactly how strong I need to be to do this. I’ll take care of my baby, even if it kills me just as it did her.
This child isn’t a burden. It’s not a controversy, or a scandal, or a royal bastard to be splayed across the kingdom’s headlines.
This baby is my gift, and I’ll cherish it, even if it means saying goodbye to the Prince.
“Will you let me meet the baby, at least?” Wolfe’s voice is low. His brows are drawn together and damn it, my heart just shatters right there in my chest.
I won’t cry. I can’t cry. I need to be strong, to follow this through to the end and make sure I do what’s best for my child.
I should say no. I should tell him it’s a bad idea—his every move is tracked and photographed. How could we do it without fresh headlines being penned?
Call me weak, but I just can’t make my head shake. Instead, I just dip my chin down. “Maybe.”
Wolfe’s hands ball into fists as his teeth grind together. Amber eyes pour all their hurt and pain and anger into me, and I accept it all. I drink it up, because on some level, I think I deserve it.
Then he blinks, and the emotion is gone. “Okay. If that’s what you want. Goodbye, Rowan.”
I watch him walk out of the office, leaving the door open so I can listen to his fading footsteps.
27
Wolfe
I’m shell-shocked. I walk through the castle and find myself in the back gardens, staring at the frost-covered branches without feeling the chill in the air.
I’m going to be a father, but Rowan doesn’t want me to be involved.
Fate is laughing at me. It’s the only explanation.
Abby died in my arms, and I didn’t even know she was carrying my child. She probably didn’t know either. Her heart just stopped, and I couldn’t do a thing to save her.
Rowan’s carrying my child, too, but she’s taking it away from here to choose a better, more normal life. Twice I’ve loved. Twice I’ve let myself open up to a woman. Twice they’ve carried my child.
And twice, I’ve lost.
I would fight for Rowan. I’d beg her to stay, but deep down, I think she’s making the right decision. What kind of life can I give her?
Luxury, sure. All the finest clothing and food and wine she can imagine. A private tutor for our child and a big, expensive wedding.
Not her own business. Not her independence. She’d have to give up the things she cares about most just to be with me.
I wander through the castle gardens, powerless and alone. Broken-hearted. Resigned.
It was foolish of me to think I could have it all with Rowan. It was naive of me to believe I could have love and happiness. I already know what life is like. It beats you down and kicks you when you hit the ground. It batters you, day after day, until all you can do is blindly put one foot in front of the other.
Rowan was just a reminder of everything I’ve lost. She was a flash of happiness in my sad, gray life.
Of course she’s leaving. Why would she stay?
I walk until my fingertips turn blue, and finally head back inside. Winter will be here soon, and I’ll have to stay inside and think about everything I’ve lost. Everything I failed to protect.
Isn’t that what happened with Rowan, too? I was too much of a coward to ask her to be with me officially. I was too afraid, and the rumors got to her first. The media stood outside her door, and she felt unsafe, because I wasn’t there beside her. I couldn’t even give her the decency of a real relationship.
Now, she’s making the only choice she can, for herself and our child. She’s leaving.
I find my brothers in the billiards room. Silas looks relatively fresh, considering he was out until all hours last night. Jonah glances up at me from the felt-covered table. He takes a shot, then straightens.
“What happened to you? You look like death.”
“Feel like it, too.” I slump down onto a chair, dropping my head in my hands. “She’s leaving.”
I expect Silas to come out with some snarky comment. A callous jab at my sad little feelings. Instead, I feel a palm on my shoulder and I see my youngest brother looking down at me with nothing but sympathy. “Sorry, brother,” Silas says, his voice quiet. “Is it because of the article? All that will blow over. The newspapers just needed a headline—it’ll be forgotten by next week.”
“She’s leaving because the article is true.” I look from Silas to Jonah. “She’s pregnant with my kid.”
Jonah leans his pool cue on the wall, roughing his hand through his hair. “Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Silas takes a seat beside me, blowing a breath out. “What are you going to do?”
“Let her go,” I reply. “What else can I do?”
“Um, not do that.” Silas frowns. “You care about her, right?”
“What can I offer her, though?”
Jonah scoffs, then spreads his arm around. “All this? A royal title? Riches beyond her wildest dreams?”
I shake my head. “A gilded cage. She’s spent her entire adult life building up her architecture business. She’s been independent since she was young. She doesn’t want to be coddled and taken care of.”
“Everyone wants to be coddled and taken care of,” Silas says, snorting.
“Not Rowan. The media will eat her up, just like they did to—”
“Don’t say Abby,” Jonah interjects. “Stop blaming yourself for her death. She had an arrhythmia. Her heart malfunctioned. No one could have predicted it and even if she’d been in a hospital, it’s not certain they could have saved her.”
I shake my head. “It’s not about Abby. It’s about me. I just don’t deserve a woman who has as much spirit and heart as Rowan.”
Silas and Jonah exchange a glance. After a long pause, Silas squeezes my shoulder again. “Why don’t you go back to the Summer Palace? Clear your head for a while. At least there won’t be reporters crawling all over the place. You’ll have some privacy.”
Swallowing past a jagged lump in my throat, I glance at my brother. “Maybe I should have stayed there to begin with. I only came back to be with Rowan.”
“Does she know how you feel?” Jonah asks.
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want a relationship with me. She was pretty clear about it. She said it was best for her, the baby, and for me if she left. No need to save face. Less controversy. Less mess.”
“Just because she thinks that doesn’t mean it’s true,” Silas says quietly.
I glance at my brother, surprised to see he cares. He’s typically moving from one woman to the next, not worried about love or relationships. I didn’t even think he knew love existed—but he’s staring at me with understanding in his eyes.
Do I even really know my siblings? We’ve all been through our own battles, but I’ve been so focused on my own failures and pain that I haven’t taken the time to see them for who they are. I’ve been drifting on my own, wrapped up in my own grief. Silas isn’t just a party animal. Penelope isn’t an ice queen. Jonah isn’t the calm, logical person he appears to be—he has scars of his own. Don’t we all?
Just goes to show how fucking useless I’ve been. I couldn’t help Abby, and I don’t even know my own brothers and sister.
Rowan was right to want to leave. It’s the best thing for all of us. I’m better off on my own, away from people I can’t help.
Sighing, I nod to Silas. “You’re right. I’ll head back to the Summer Palace until spring. At least I’ll have some time to clear my head, and Chief will be there to keep me company.”
As I stand up, I feel the weight of my past on my shoulders. I’ve failed so many people, so many times. Even my siblings—haven’t I failed them, too? I don’t even k
now them. I don’t know their pain.
It’s better for me to leave. Nodding to my brothers, I stalk out the door and call for Eyvar to make arrangements for my departure. I’m going back to the Summer Palace, and I’m not coming back until I know I won’t hurt anyone else.
28
Rowan
I stare at the castle staff member at the door to the office, trying to make sense of what he just told me. Wolfe is gone. He left without saying goodbye.
That’s his right, I guess. Just yesterday, I told him I intended to leave Nord this week and go back to Farcliff. Why would he stay here?
But for him to turn around and just leave? Like I’m nothing? Like the past six weeks didn’t even happen? He didn’t even tell me?
That hurts more than I can say, but I put on my best, professional face and thank the man for the information. I glance around the tiny office, thinking only of Wolfe.
There, on the desk, where we made love. How he scraped his teeth across my neck and drank me in with those eyes full of fire. The window where we stared out at falling snowflakes, feeling blissfully in love and unaware of the bombshell that would hit us.
All the while, I was carrying his child.
And he’s gone without a word.
It…hurts. Aches down to my marrow.
Slumping down in a chair, I drop my head in my hands. Logically, I know this is the right decision. If I stay, I force the Prince to either deny his connection to me or make it official.
I don’t want to enter a relationship with someone under those circumstances. Even if he wanted me to become part of this family, I wouldn’t want to feel like it was forced. Isn’t that just a recipe for disaster? The perfect place for resentment and bitterness to grow?
By leaving, I remove that choice. I make sure my child is protected from the reporters who just want a headline. I can live life on my terms. I can keep my business.
My little, safe life in Farcliff.
Empty.
Loveless.
Meaningless.
Tears fall down my cheeks as I sit in the office that Wolfe organized for me, and I feel like a complete failure. All I wanted from life was to never be a burden to anyone else. I wanted to stand on my own two feet—but it feels like all I’ve ever done is make a mess of every relationship I’ve ever had.
The hinges on the door squeak as someone pushes it open. My eyes widen when I see the Queen standing in the doorway. She’s wearing a deep blue boatneck dress, with her hair twisted into a sleek bun. Her eyes are sharp, bright aqua. The Queen steps inside the office, her presence filling the room from wall to wall.
I scramble to my feet, dropping into a curtsy and doing my best to wipe the tears off my cheeks.
“You can sit down,” she says softly.
Confused, I glance at her. Every image I’ve seen of her, she looks hardened and cold. She stands with her spine straight and her lips pinched—but now, in person, she looks soft. She’s shorter than I thought she’d be, reaching only to my shoulders, even in heels. I do as she says, sliding back down onto my chair. The Queen takes a seat across the desk from me, crossing her feet at the ankles and folding her hands on her lap.
She tilts her head, studying me. “You’re carrying Wolfe’s child.”
I gulp. “Yes, Your Majesty.”
Sighing, the Queen leans back in her chair. Her eyes drift over my shoulder to stare out the window as I fidget in my seat. Even though I’ve spent the past six weeks with the Prince, I still don’t know how to act around other royals. I have a feeling the insolent flirting I did with Wolfe won’t exactly go down well with this monarch.
The Queen doesn’t seem to notice my squirming. She stares out the window, the light angling through it in a way that makes her pale skin glow like moonlight. With platinum blond hair and pale blue eyes, she looks like a Nordic ice queen. Still as a statue, the sight of her makes my mouth turn dry. Tilting her head, she studies me. “When I was growing up, my best friend was Abby Mansfield.”
“Wol—His Highness’s fiancée?”
The Queen dips her chin down. “She was kind, and soft, and funny, and her death shocked us all.”
“I’m so sorry,” I reply quietly, shifting in my seat.
“She was pregnant, too.”
My eyes snap to the Queen’s. “With his child?”
She nods. “No one knew until they did the autopsy.”
“I…I’m so sorry.” The world is spinning. Wolfe lost his fiancée and his first child that day? They both died in his arms. Oh, no—he never told me that. So the pain in his eyes when I told him about our baby…
“Wolfe took it hard.” Her eyes never leave mine. I try not to fidget as another bombshell is lobbed at my poor, broken soul. The Queen lets out a long breath, pinching her lips into a smile. “He almost seemed like himself these past few weeks. I thought…” The Queen shakes her head, not finishing her thought.
She pushes herself to her feet, and I scramble to stand. The Queen extends a hand to me. “I just wanted to meet you, is all,” she says. “I love the new design you’ve created. We can start the renovations in the spring, once the snow melts.”
I frown. “You still want me to finish the design?”
“You’re the best person for the job, and you’ve done most of the work already. Besides, firing you would only feed the gossip. The media team have decided not to address the controversy in the newspapers at all. Any official comment from the palace will only spur them on. I understand you’re leaving?”
I nod, a huge lump lodged in my throat. “Yes.”
“You’ll come back for the construction?”
“That depends…” My hand slides over my stomach.
Her eyes flick down to the movement, pain flashing across her face for the briefest moment.
“I’m keeping it,” I blurt out. “If I have to return during the palace construction, I’ll be eight or nine months pregnant. The media…”
“Of course. We’ll make arrangements for things to be done remotely if necessary.” The Queen walks to the door, every step graceful and measured. She turns to look at me, eyes soft. “If you need to visit the site, we’ll arrange for you to travel privately. I’m sure you’ll want to see your work when construction is finished.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty.” I drop into a curtsy as my heart hammers. The Queen walks out of the office as my ears ring.
She knows I’m carrying Wolfe’s child. Why did she tell me about Abby’s baby? Was it to make me feel bad about leaving?
…Or was it so I’d understand why Wolfe left without saying goodbye?
Sadness crushes me. I sit down because it’s too difficult to stand. Everything hurts. I feel like I’ve taken Wolfe’s child away from him after he suffered such an awful loss four years ago, but at the same time, I need to think about what’s best for me and my child.
The Queen didn’t try to convince me to stay. She didn’t tell me to chase after Wolfe and follow him to the Summer Palace. The only reason she didn’t want to fire me was because it would look bad in the media.
Telling me about the Prince’s loss wasn’t some ploy to get me to feel sorry for him. Everything she told me was in order for me to understand the position of the palace, and make sure there was the least amount of controversy possible.
I’m not part of this world. Even though I’m carrying Wolfe’s child, I’m just a satellite orbiting around him. I’ll never belong here, and the best thing for me to do is leave. I knew that yesterday, and nothing has changed. I need to go—for all of us.
Sliding my hand over my stomach, I squeeze my eyes shut and draw strength from the only thing I know is true. I’m having a baby, and I love it with all my heart.
29
Wolfe
The Summer Palace is cold, and lonely, and desolate—and it feels like home. Days march on at a slow crawl as the wind howls outside and fires crackle in every hearth.
Chief stays by my side, and he’s my only anchor in a
world that doesn’t make sense.
Twice, I’ve loved. Twice, a woman has carried my child. Twice, I’ve lost. Those words ring in my head like church bells every hour, on the hour.
I thought the pain of Abby’s death was the deepest cut I’d feel—but somehow, Rowan leaving feels worse. I know she’s somewhere south of here, living her life without me. I know our child is growing in her womb, and I might never get to meet it.
I could have her if things were different—but they’re not. She doesn’t want my life, and she’s not here.
It’s a painful, slow kind of torture to watch the seconds tick by, knowing I’m alone. I’ll be alone.
On a clear day in December, I take the dogs out to the visitor’s cottage. As soon as I get there, I’m wrapped up in my own sadness. I see Rowan everywhere. On the couch, where I first told her about Abby and she opened up about her mother. In the studio, where her eyes lit up. In the bedroom, where—
I turn away, shaking my head. That’s where everything went wrong. In that bed is where I crossed a line and allowed myself to believe I could have a better life. That I deserved happiness. That I might have met someone who meant something to me.
Naive. Stupid. Silly.
I turn around and throw my jacket back on, heading for the kennels. I’m back on the dog sled within minutes, returning to the castle.
Even with the wind whistling past my ears, and the blue bird sky singing above, I feel the weight of my own loneliness. The sled flies over hard-packed snow and the dogs huff in front of me, running fast as they were meant to do, but it feels empty.
It just reminds me of Rowan. How bright her eyes shined when she sat in the sled for the first time. The mischievous little grin on her lips when she threw a snowball at me.
How is it possible to lose so much in such a short period of time? I wish I’d never met her. I wish I hadn’t believed I could be happy, because this feels worse than grief.
Lone Prince: An Accidental Pregnancy Romance (Royally Unexpected Book 7) Page 17