"Even if your appearance, your fight, your words backed him up, I still think he took that step himself. He knew you wanted payback. Maybe there was some part of him that still loved you enough to give you what you needed most."
He didn't want to believe her version of events, but he couldn't deny that he hadn't physically pushed Donovan off that mountain. And there had been something in his eyes, some plea for understanding. But there could be no understanding of the violent, murderous act that Donovan had apologized for.
"Are you sure you're not hanging on to your view of the story because you need to believe you killed him?" Caitlyn asked. "That the revenge would not be as satisfying if it was Donovan's choice to die?"
He let out a sigh. "No, I'm not sure. I know I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to pay for what he did."
"He didn't try to fight you. And he was a fighter; we know that."
"That part surprised me."
"He wanted you to punish him."
"Does it make it any better if we think he still had some small part of his conscience left?" he challenged.
She thought about his words. "Not for me."
"Not for me, either." He paused. "It is possible I lied to you about exactly what happened."
She met his gaze. "I knew you were lying before; you're not lying now."
"No, I'm not,” he admitted. "Maybe you are right. I'm not sure we'll ever know. But I have to say that when nothing more happened after Donovan's death, no more bombs, no more news of LNF activism, I thought it was over. I was confident that he was the bomber and that was it. I never imagined it would start up again like it has."
"I never imagined it, either. I still think there's a connection. Maybe Donovan got lost, because there was a more radical voice in his ear, someone helping him with his big plan."
"Which leads us back to Hank."
"Or Wyatt. He clearly spent time with Donovan and his question about Yosemite was odd. We also can't leave out Lauren. Her sister, Allison, is dating Kevin, and Allison is part of an activist group."
"But the only injuries were to people in that group, right?"
"Yes. That could have been a bad explosive device, though. It went off before it was supposed to."
"True. We probably can't eliminate anyone, including Lauren. Although, I have to say she told me something the other day that rang true. She said the LNF was always about the guys, that the women were tolerated, but they were never really in the circle of trust, and she was right about that. I don't see Donovan trusting Lauren with his secrets."
"But Lauren did get you out of that building. I know she has stuck by her story, and the change in birthday party scheduling was all verified by third parties, but maybe she still had an inkling that something was going to go wrong, and she wanted you out of it."
"That's possible. We should also talk about some of the others: Justin, Vitaly, Vinnie and Gary. Any one of them could have been involved then and now. Justin is part of the false alibi given by his father. He should be confronted about that."
"Especially since Wyatt just confirmed it," she agreed. "We'll have to tackle Justin tomorrow." She let out a weary sigh. "Their faces are all going around and around in my head on this never-ending loop. It's exhausting."
"I know. I'm on the same treadmill."
"Let's go back to your time in San Diego. What did you do for work?"
"I sold equipment at a dive shop, and I taught diving on the weekend. It was fun, but it didn't pay much, and I missed being a scientist. It was about a year later when Jeremiah Cooper walked into the shop and offered me a job. He needed scientific divers on his team up north. That was seven years ago. I've been doing the job ever since."
"And you love it?"
"I do. I'm in the water five days a week."
"What exactly do you do every day?"
"I take measurements, analyze the water temperature and the changes in sea life and landscape. Lately, we've been physically thinning an overpopulation of sea urchins from the kelp beds which are vitally important to holding carbon and preventing it from being released into the atmosphere. But the urchins are overrunning the beds, and—" He stopped abruptly. "Sorry. You don't want to hear about sea urchins and kelp."
"It reminds me of old times," she said with a smile. "I loved hearing you talk about the ocean. You were so passionate about the environment. You came alive when you spoke about the sea, about protecting it for future generations. I know you got into the LNF for good reasons, Quinn."
"I thought I did. I thought everyone did."
"That can be the problem with activist groups. Most people get into them for good reasons, but then radicals and extremists take over, and the group changes. It doesn't make the mission bad, just the means to fulfill that mission."
"I should have seen that the LNF was changing."
"I was distracting you."
"I can't argue with that. You were one hell of a beautiful distraction."
She cleared her throat and wiped her mouth with a napkin. "What about friends? I assume you've made some as Michael Wainscott."
"A few, not many."
"Women?"
"A few, not many," he repeated, quite sure he didn't want to talk to her about other women.
"Anyone serious?"
"No."
"Because you were living under a fake name?"
"That was a part of it. A long-term relationship would require some truth-telling, and I couldn’t do that."
"What was your plan? To live alone your entire life?"
"I try not to think that far ahead, because there's no point. Life changes when you least expect it, and no amount of planning or worrying stops that from happening. It took three devastating losses to make me finally accept that."
She frowned at that comment. "That's sad, Quinn."
"It's reality. When we were together, I always had this ominous feeling that things were too good to last. I was right."
She sat back in her seat, giving him a thoughtful look. "I never believed they were too good to last. I thought they'd last forever."
"That was always the biggest difference between us. You were a glass half-full girl, and I was a glass half-empty guy. Sometimes you tempted me to come over to the light, to believe in the possibilities."
"I believed in those possibilities, too."
"I know you did. And I believed in you. But there was always this thought at the back of my mind that we were just too different. Our backgrounds were night and day."
"I didn't care that you didn't come from money; I actually liked that about you. You were different from the kids I grew up with. You had been tested in life, and you were stronger for it. You stood up for what you believed in. You even argued with my dad the first time I brought you home for dinner."
"He disliked me on sight."
"Even more so after you opened your mouth, but I didn't care. You were as strong as he was, and I hadn't seen that before. He had run off a lot of my boyfriends in high school. They were such cowards." Shadows entered her eyes. "I guess that's why it still surprises me that he ran you off, too. I thought you were a match for him."
"He only ran me off because he told me what I already thought was true."
"He's very good at knowing what buttons to push. I don't have any illusions about him, Quinn. I know he can be ruthless and cruel, especially in matters of business, but as a family man, he's very loyal and protective. He's always made sure I had whatever I needed, well, except for you. But I'm sure that was for my own good."
It was difficult to hear Caitlyn defend her father. "Let's not talk about your dad."
"You must hate him."
"For making me the target of an FBI investigation? Yeah, I have some strong feelings."
"That was wrong." She paused. "Do you ever wonder if we would have stayed together if the bomb never went off, if we'd had Isabella and gotten married? Would we be together now?"
Her question slid through him like a knife. "I just to
ld you I was a cynic."
"You're saying no?"
"I don't know. We can't rewrite history."
"You're right, but I wish we could do that. I'm not as optimistic as I once was, either, Quinn. The day that bomb went off was the last day I believed that things would last forever. And in my job, I've seen too many bad things happen to good people to not feel more cynical. On the other hand, I've also seen some amazing moments of generosity and bravery, outright sacrificial heroism. I try to hang on to those images in my head when the world starts to feel too dark."
"I'm sure the struggle is real, but in your heart, you're still an optimist. You can't fight it, and you shouldn't try. It's who you are. It's that belief that drives you to greatness. I saw heroism today—in you. You were brave as hell, Caitlyn. I hope you're proud of the woman you've become."
Her eyes sparkled. "I am proud, Quinn. Maybe I needed to go through all that fire to come out the person I am now, but I still wish it hadn't happened."
"Me, too." He paused for a moment. "I've anchored the boat in a cove. I think we should stay here tonight. You can take the cabin. I'll take the couch or sleep on the deck."
"I can sleep on the couch."
"That's not going to happen."
"You were always such a gentleman. I remember my friends were amazed at how you always opened the car door for me. Even my mother said you had nice manners when you came to the house."
"That must have been the only thing she liked," he said dryly. Rebecca Carlson had been more polite to him than Chuck, but she still hadn't wanted him for her daughter.
"Well, at least there was one thing," she said lightly, as she picked up their plates and took them to the sink. "Since you cooked, I'll wash up."
"All right," he said, sipping his coffee. It was amazing how much he liked just watching her move around the small space. It was going to be difficult to say good-bye to her again, now that she'd come back into his life in such vivid color. He would have more to remember about her, even more to like and to miss.
She came back to the table and their gazes locked for a long minute.
He didn't know what she was thinking, but the air was suddenly sizzling between them.
"Let's go up on deck," she said quickly. "I could use some air."
He wanted more than air—he wanted her. But she was already moving up the stairs, and he had no choice but to follow.
"There are a lot of stars out tonight," Caitlyn commented as she sat down on the bench next to Quinn. There wasn't much space between them, but the chilly air helped cool the hot intimacy she'd been feeling downstairs.
"It's always an amazing light show on the water. Tell me more about your life," he said. "Who do you spend time with outside of work?"
"The same people I spend time with at work. My team is really close. It's composed of members from my Quantico class. We bonded over five years ago and we're even more closely connected now."
"They're all in LA?"
"Mostly. Our cases take us all over the country, sometimes the world. I do miss them now. I wish they were working this case."
"Why can't they?"
"Territorial issues. Rob Carpenter is the agent in charge in San Francisco, and he doesn't give up cases like this, especially not ones that involve people with power."
"Like your father."
"Yes. Rob would like to eventually end up as the hero of the day, which will help move him up the ladder."
"I'm not hearing much love in your voice for this guy."
"He was actually my first boss out of the academy. That was in Miami. He hated that I was always trying to find the Bolton bomber, even though I only worked on it when I was off work. He didn't like that I was questioning the FBI investigation. He told me to wait until I'd been on the job more than two minutes to criticize. He had a point. After a year, I transferred to New Orleans. My boss there suggested that my obsession with the Bolton case was preventing me from reaching my full potential. I realized she was right. A short time later, one of my Quantico classmates, Flynn MacKenzie created a task force, and he asked me to join. Being back with my friends really helped. Eventually, I was able to just focus on the job and not the past."
"That sounds healthy."
"Sometimes you just run out of road. That's what happened to me. I had nowhere else to go, nowhere else to look. I had hit every wall there was."
"You tried to find me, didn't you?"
"Yes, but you did a very good job erasing your life. It made me really suspicious."
"Which is why you pulled a gun on me at our first meeting."
"I didn't know what to think about you."
"Do you know what to think now? Never mind, don't answer that. Let's get back to your life. Do you have a boyfriend?"
"I never thought I'd hear that question from you."
"I had the same thought downstairs when you asked me about women."
"I shouldn't have done that, but I was too curious to leave the question alone."
"I'm curious as well."
"I have had some relationships that lasted several months. One went for a year. But it wasn't right."
"Were they agents?"
"No. They had different careers. One was a veterinarian. I met him when I was watching my roommate's dog, and he got into some chocolate. I thought that damn dog was going to die on my watch, so I took him to an emergency vet."
"And you got a boyfriend out of it," he said with a grin. "I hope the dog was okay."
"He was fine, thank goodness."
"Why didn't you and Dr. Vet last?"
"I don't know."
"You must have some idea."
"What would you like me to say? That he wasn't as good in bed as you?"
Quinn started, and she kind of liked the fact that she'd gotten a reaction out of him. Aside from the one wild kiss at the beach, he'd been holding himself in serious check.
"Yes," he said, recovering his composure. "I'm fine with you saying that."
"Well, that wasn't it," she returned. "We just weren't right for each other. We didn't like the same things. He was a nice guy, but I didn't love him."
"You probably broke his heart."
"I don't think so. He's engaged to someone else now."
"Then you did the right thing."
"Isn't it strange how it's easier to see right and wrong when it's behind you instead of when it's in front of you? We'd make fewer mistakes if we didn't have to wait for time and distance to give us clarity."
"I can't argue with that."
"Did you miss your life, Quinn? You had a lot of friends."
"Most of whom were in the LNF, and if I missed them, it was only the memory of who they'd once been to me. But I missed you, Caitlyn. I missed you a lot. It was years before I stopped thinking about you every day."
His words touched her heart and put a knot in her throat. She was grateful for the shadows surrounding them, hiding her emotions. "I missed the way we were, too, before the explosion, when we were good together. We laughed so much. Do you remember?"
"I've wanted to forget, but I haven't."
"I don't even know why we were always laughing; it's not like either one of us is particularly funny."
"You were kind of funny. You always had a story to tell from one of your classes or one of your friends. I always thought it was the writer in you. You loved books and a good tale."
"I did love to read. Remember our bad music nights?" she asked with a laugh.
The smile that spread across his lips now was probably the biggest one she'd seen since they reunited.
"Me on my guitar and you on your keyboard," he said. "But I didn't have parents who spent a fortune on guitar lessons. I was self-taught."
"You did not do a good job teaching yourself," she said candidly.
"You were pretty bad, too, especially with the Christmas carols you volunteered us to play at the apartment Christmas party. We were practically booed out of the building."
She laughed.
"I think someone threw a Christmas cookie at your head."
"You ducked, and they hit me."
"Well, you were worse than me."
"I never said I was good," he declared.
"That's true."
"You, on the other hand…"
"I said I took a lot of lessons, not that I was a prodigy."
"I don't know what you were doing during those piano lessons, but they did not work."
"I actually had a big crush on my teacher, Mr. Conroy—Joel Conroy. He was like thirty and married, and I was thirteen with braces, but I saw a brilliant love affair between us. Then my mother fired him because she said I wasn't getting any better. It made me wish I had practiced more, so he could have stayed."
"That would have been a better plan," he said dryly. "But if you'd become a classical pianist, I don't think you'd be an FBI agent now."
"If a lot of things had gone differently, I would not be an agent. But life is not predictable, and I was a fool to think I could ever control any of it."
"I'm sorry you had to learn that lesson."
"It was one you learned a lot earlier than me, when your dad died, and then your mom."
"Yes. I wish I could have protected you from knowing what that kind of loss feels like."
"It wasn't your job to protect me. It's on me to do that. Now I'm better trained for it."
"What do your parents think about you being in the FBI?"
"They hate it. I'm out of touch for weeks at a time. They have to live in fear that they'll get a bad call one night. I've heard it all. I understand that my job might worry them, but it's my life, and I have to live it. I think if they knew me better, they could see that, but they just have the old version of me in their heads. I stayed in my bedroom last night. My mom has not changed a thing. It's like I was sixteen years old again."
"Does that mean the poster of Justin Timberlake is still on the wall?" he teased.
"I liked his music," she defended.
"And his abs."
"He did look good with his shirt off," she said with a laugh. "But I put the poster up when I was sixteen, so I hadn't met you or your abs yet."
"You didn't answer my question. Is the poster still up?"
Daring Deception Page 17