by Kip Nelson
'You're a worthless little thing. Sometimes I wonder why you were even born. Do you know how much money I've spent on you over the years? Do you know that you're the reason your mother left? And you can't even do something as simple as dust properly. If I thought anyone else would take you I'd put you up for adoption.'
Tanya always had wished that he had followed through with that threat. For so long she had wanted to escape that house. She hadn't even been allowed friends, so there had been no respite from her suffering.
She went to her old room and sat down on the edge of her bed. There were pictures of her when she was younger. She felt her old clothes and looked at her new ones, borrowed from an old woman who had died alone in a chair. The last time she had been in this room it had taken all her courage to even think about leaving. She'd changed so much since then. She had survived by herself in the city, had rescued Backdraft and reunited him with Nick, had fought a sick farmer, had made a connection with someone else her own age, even if he had turned out to be part of some weird cult. But she still was alive, and that was something of a miracle.
For someone so worthless, so useless, as her father used to tell her, she had done a good job of living. She actually had accomplished quite a lot and had managed to keep her head when so many others had been losing theirs. Being in that room was cathartic. It reminded her of the girl she had been and showed her the woman she was becoming.
But then the biggest test came. Walking across the hall she pushed open the door to her father's room. There were other memories in here. A lump formed in her throat as she approached the bed. Her hand brushed the sheets and she remembered the feeling of them against her flesh, how she used to close her eyes and tried thinking of a happy place that was far away from his grunts and sweaty body and all the bad things in the world. Nausea swept through her body, but she managed to steady herself. She had to do this.
She had a new life now, and she wasn't going to let her past define her. Maybe Cosmo was right, and the truth was the best way to go. Hiding from it only gave it more power and she was tired of always living in constant fear. She opened her eyes and braced herself as the memories came flooding back, lancing through her like a hot poker. She cried out and tears began streaming down her face, but she did not sink to her knees.
On her father's bedside cabinet there was a picture of her as a little girl. She remembered her childhood almost too vividly. So many things had been seared and scarred into her mind. But those were the days when she thought her father had been invincible, a true hero, when she had trusted him unconditionally and loved him in the same way. That was before she realized what a monster he was and how everything he did to her was horrendous.
She slammed her hand against the closet door, and then gripped the entire closet and rattled it as she screamed at the top of her lungs. Why did this have to happen to her? Why couldn't she just be normal? She never had asked for any of this and she was tired of it. So tired. All she wanted was to be normal and have a normal life. She knew the way Nick and Cosmo looked at her now. They never would be able to forget, just like she wouldn't be able to forget. But how was she supposed to accept the truth and move on? It was possible. It wasn't...
She stopped. There was a noise. Someone else was in the house. Her breath caught in her throat. Of course he was here. She was so stupid. Of course he was waiting for her. He probably had been watching her this whole time and was ready to taunt her and laugh at her and tell her how stupid she was for thinking she could come back here without anything bad happening. She backed herself against the closet door, toward the window, hoping to get Nick's attention, although it didn't make her feel any better that he was outside. She needed him inside. Her eyes widened as she heard the shuffling against the floor. She whimpered and looked for any kind of weapon but there was nothing around. She always had been helpless in this room. She always would be helpless.
The door nudged open and now she began sinking to the floor in fear. Her face twisted into sorrow and she started begging for mercy, even though she knew it wouldn't come. How many times had she been in the exact same place begging for mercy? It never had come. Maybe she hadn't changed at all.
Then a rat scurried across the floor in front of her. Tanya beat her fist against the bed. She pushed herself up and wiped her eyes angrily. She hated how the fear still had a hold of her and how it still affected her so much. All she wanted was to be free of him, free of this house. She stormed back to her room and searched her drawers and closet for the necklace she had left, the only thing she wanted to keep, but she didn't find it. Then she sank on the bed and cried for a while. She cried for the girl she had been and the girl she was now. She also cried for the woman she was turning into because she didn't know if it was a good woman.
She thought of Gillian and how together she had seemed. Sure, she had been crazy, but at least she was strong. Tanya wasn't strong at all. She was afraid, and she knew that without Nick she never would survive this world. She knew that her father still was in the city somewhere. He had to be. She could feel it in her bones. She had another unsettling feeling that, no matter what, her path was leading back to him. She'd never been able to escape him, no matter how hard she had tried. So why would this time be any different?
After a while Tanya dried her eyes and composed herself. She had to remind herself that this house was never the problem, the man inside it was. Yet, this had been her home and it was sad to see it empty. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe it was easier to say goodbye and let go of it. It felt strange to walk through the house without anyone else around. For so long her father had filled up all the space. There rarely had been any moments when she had been left alone to enjoy the house. He would have known if anything had been moved or touched. Usually she stayed in her room. Her own little world.
Before she stepped back outside she breathed in deeply, not wanting to show any sign of weakness. This was the first day of her new life. No longer was she going to be the same girl as always. She was going to grow into a woman, one who could be Nick's equal and she would prove to him that she was worthy of his love. He didn't need Gillian or anyone else, not when she was around. As soon as she shut the door she closed herself off from the past, or at least she hoped it was going to prove to be that easy.
“Everything alright?” Nick asked.
“Fine,” Tanya replied, holding her head up high and walking to the front.
Cosmo eyed her suspiciously. He probably still thought she was lying about everything, but she didn't care about him anymore. She was a strong, independent woman who had been through a lot, and surely would go through a lot more before she ended up like that old woman sitting in the chair. Abe and the others looked at her curiously, but she didn't tell them what was going on. She didn't need to. The past wasn't going to factor into her new life. That was the way she used to be. Now she was focused on who she was going to be.
While her intentions were noble it was not so easy to change a lifetime of behavior. They all walked through the city, following Abe's lead. Tanya stole glances at Gina. She looked to be a woman who no man ever would lay a hand on without permission. She had an eyepatch, but her intimidating aura was much more than that. It was in the way she walked and held herself, in the way her arms swung at her side, her fingers casually brushing past her knife. Surely, she would show no hesitation when the time came. Tanya started to mimic the way Gina walked. If Tanya wanted to be a strong woman, then it was logical to learn from the best.
Sometimes Gina caught Tanya looking, though, and Tanya walked normally, not wanting to upset Gina. Tanya never really had had a girlfriend before. Her only female role model had been her mother, who knowingly had left her with her father. She didn't know how to start a conversation with her, so Tanya stayed mute. She looked warily around the city, still sure that her father was lurking somewhere.
Her gaze traveled down every alley and into every shadowy corner, all the time expecting to see those cold eyes looking back at
her, and that smirk he used to get whenever he wanted to punish her. She didn't pay attention to what Nick and the others were saying. The only other thing she looked at was Gina's knife. It was long, with a serrated edge, and Tanya wanted to learn how to use it. She wanted to learn how to defend herself. She wanted to learn how to kill.
Chapter Nineteen
Tori didn't know how her life had come to this. She had been fine and safe in her apartment with Max. They had stored enough food to last them a while. It hadn't been much, but it was enough to live on. Then they had made the mistake of leaving their apartment. They came across David. A man struggling to stand up. They had watched him collapse, drenched from the storm. They had felt sorry for him.
Now Max was dead, and Tori was tied up like a dog, rope hanging around her neck and attached to a pole. It was so low that she couldn't even stand up. She was forced to feed on scraps of food that they either fed to her by hand or left on the ground in front of her. Sometimes they remembered to fill her bowl up with water. Never before had she suffered such degradation or humiliation, and often the sounds of her quiet sobs could be heard echoing through the night.
Was this the result of good deeds? Was this the payback she got for helping someone in need? All her life she had been taught to help other people. She always had been drawn to the idea of karma, but now she wasn't so sure. Max hadn't deserved to die. She didn't deserve this. And there was no way these men deserved to be free.
All day and night she had to listen to them cackling. They spoke of so many disgusting things. They talked about people they had met in the city. People they had terrorized. They often came up to Tori as well. Sometimes they didn't even have to touch her to hurt her. Sometimes they just stared and ogled. Sometimes they touched themselves in view of everyone. Sometimes they hurled abuse at her and she became the brunt of their frustrations borne from a life that had left them behind. From what she could see many of them were suffering from scars gathered from their previous life and none of them had recovered. The worst was when they touched her, and she had to hear their shuddering breath slamming against her neck. Her skin crawled and she wanted to bathe, but there was no scrubbing away these dark deeds.
All the while Max was there for everyone to see, right in Tori's line of sight. She wept not only for herself but for him, too. All he had tried to do was to defend her and it had cost him his life. He always had been there for her. Always ready to offer help and support. Now he was gone, and Tori was left alone. Was this what her life was going to be like from now on? Was she destined to stay tied to the pole forever?
She had tried working herself free, but her hands were weak and always shook. The men had made her nice and secure, and even if she was going to get free, she didn't imagine she could make it very far before the men caught her. There was always someone watching, although, curiously, not David. He rarely looked at her anymore and never came over unless another man made him. Maybe his guilty conscience was gnawing at him, but Tori couldn't believe a man like that had a conscience. He was pure evil as far as Tori was concerned. She hated herself for buying his lies about the man who had killed his friend. There may well have been some elements of truth to the story, but she didn't think it happened the way David said it did. He was unhinged. She and Max should have tried escaping sooner, when they first noticed his peculiar mood swings. It all had happened too late.
Whenever Tori closed her eyes she replayed that fateful moment when David had raised his gun and shot Max in the head. It was all so quick and easy. Tori hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye. One moment he was standing there, and the next he was gone. His body still was there, lying out in the open. His arms and legs were splayed out. Occasionally, some of the men would kick him or arrange him in funny poses. Other times they walked by without noticing him at all. Tori didn't know what was worse, but she never would forget him, and she would escape this place for him.
She wished they would at least do something about the flies buzzing around his head. There was no dignity in death.
She had no idea how many days had passed, nor did she care. They soon became the same. She barely got any sleep. The nights were cold, and her only protection was her tattered clothes and an old blanket the men had given her that had crusted over with various stains. It sickened her, but she used it because she was that desperate. There was no type of bedding at all. She had to curl up as best she could on the ground, which was littered with small stones. They lodged against her skin, which soon became scratched and torn. She used to take such good care of her skin.
So many things had changed, and she had lost so much, including her sense of self. She had no idea what her place was in this world. The men treated her no better than a dog. They barely acknowledged her existence. They even spoke about another dog they had kept until someone had stolen it. From the way they spoke Tori wasn't sure if they were talking about an actual dog or another woman.
She overheard David telling them the story of what had happened on his way to the city and in the days after that. She wanted to shout at them and tell them he was lying, but there was no point. They would not believe her. To them David was a hero. He had impressed them all by shooting Max so abruptly. Tori didn't want to live in a world where that was seen as heroic. Yet, it appeared as though death was not on the agenda for her anytime soon. The men were having too much fun with her. Although she was sure that eventually they would tire of her and would want someone new. Then she would be tossed away like Max. How was it so easy for these men to kill? It was like they had no morality at all. They had to have been like this before the world ended, but Tori didn't understand how anyone could have lived with such darkness in their hearts. It was completely different from the world she had been brought up in. She had been completely unprepared for it.
When she and Max had been sitting in their apartment they had discussed the option of going outside. There was a chance that someone somewhere had set up a safe place and maybe it would have been better than their apartment. Yet, their fear had prevented them from leaving for any length of time, and everything they had seen in the city told them that they were right to stay inside. Then David had come along and persuaded them to leave. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do, but now it was clear it was so very wrong. Tori didn't know how much longer she and Max would have lasted in their apartment before needing to find more food, but she was sure Max still would be alive if they had stayed. She knew that she never could trust anyone else in this world, and she highly doubted that anyone could find a safe place. It was clear that men such as her captors ruled the world and she was subject to the mercy of their whims.
The evening came again, and with it she knew another man would come to lay his hands upon her. This time it was different, though. This time David was led up by the other men. They all encouraged him to take her, saying that it wasn't right that he didn't get to enjoy the gift he had given them. He had been accepted by them. Tori didn't even bother to protest or rise from her knees. There was nothing worse she could imagine than being touched by him, although she did notice that from the way the men were talking they believed David had enjoyed her already. Part of her wanted to tell them the truth, but there was no way she could prove he was lying, and they readily would believe him over her. She was nothing but a piece of meat to them.
For the first time in days David looked at her. She remembered the way he had looked at her when he first had woken up. There was something different about him, or maybe she just hadn't noticed him before. His eyes betrayed no trace of emotion. He stared at her for a long time. For a moment she wondered if he was going to refuse their offer, but it was only a fleeting hope that soon was quashed by him walking forward to untie the rope. She felt the cord bite around her neck as she was lifted and then led away. David said nothing. The men all cheered and whooped in delight as though David was making some great conquest.
They walked for about ten minutes or so, well away from the camp. They walked over th
e top of the hill and then stopped in a woodland area. There was a fence around them. Below them the wide river gushed along, and the bridge still was visible. Behind that was the horizon of the city, so quiet and foreboding without any lights.
“You're a monster,” she spat.
“Shut up,” David said.
The look in his eyes had changed. There was an angry, crazed look about him. She thought that something was wrong. She thought she was going to die, and to die would be a worse fate than what she had had to endure...but she was tired. So tired. There was nothing in the world left to live for anymore other than her own vengeance. The only person she loved in the world was gone, and even if she managed to escape she didn't know how she was going to go on without her brother. Maybe it would be better if she could be up in Heaven with him. At least then they'd be together. Maybe it would be good to end the suffering, too.
“You're a liar too, telling those men that you had me. Couldn't handle the truth? I bet you can't even get it up!” she said venomously.
Bile rose within her throat and the anger filled her up, clouding her mind. Her entire body trembled with emotion. She wished she had a gun or some kind of weapon, because she surely would kill David without a second thought. If there was anyone in the world who deserved it, it was him.
He stormed up to her and came so close that she could feel his hot breath on her face. Yet, she did not flinch at all. She was done being afraid of him. “You're just a petty little man who wants to feel important. I bet nothing you ever told us was true. I bet you didn't even have a friend. I can't see why anyone would want to be friends with you. If he was, then he had a pretty poor sense of judgment. Figures that you'd get him killed, though. Seems you have a habit of being surrounded by death.”
David roared and pulled out his pistol. Tori felt the clatter of teeth as the gun swung against her cheek. Blood welled up inside her mouth, but she swallowed it back down. She managed to stay on her feet, although she was groggy, and was determined to not show any sign of pain. She already could feel her skin bruising, though.