I know I shouldn’t ask, but I have to. “What?” And then, “What do you wonder?”
“I wonder if you and I should be more than friends. If you have those kind of thoughts.”
The truth is, I have no idea if Mark has those kind of thoughts. I can’t access his dreams or his fantasies or his desires. Only what’s happened so far.
“I don’t know,” I say.
“You said before that you were tired. Well, I’m tired, too. Tired of letting everything stay unsaid. We spend all our time together, and we do it because we want to, right? And I guess I think a lot about that, and about us. And about … well, more. Us having more. It’s not about lust or sex or whatever you want to call it. I mean, some of it is that. But mostly it’s about belonging. When I’m with you, I belong. It just naturally felt like that. And I think it felt like that for you. But I don’t know where that leaves us, or even what that is. I’m just tired of trying to figure it out myself. I need the other half of the equation.”
I feel sorry for him and I feel angry at him and I feel love for him, for having the courage to say these things. But none of these feelings is an answer. And that’s what he wants. An answer.
Why now? I wonder. Has he sensed me in here? Did I somehow shift Mark without knowing it? Did Sam see something in him today that made him feel he had a chance? Or was this always going to be the day, and I just happened to appear within it?
“Say something,” Sam asks. “Please.”
It is very possible that Mark might be speechless, too, were he here instead of me. Not for the same reasons, but still speechless. Or maybe he would know exactly what to say. A yes or a no. A kiss or a cold shoulder.
I simply don’t know.
“Sam,” I say, “you know you’re my best friend. That, to me, is the most important thing. Don’t you agree?”
He nods.
“As for the rest,” I continue, “I need to think about it. I mean, it’s about much more than you and me, isn’t it?”
I feel foolish even as I’m saying these words. Because I feel it’s foolish that it has to be about more than Sam and Mark. I want the World of Boys to be structured in such a way that if they chose to be more than best friends, it would be a step, not a leap. That a relationship could be a relationship without any other qualifiers attached.
I take his hand. It would be cruel to not take his hand, to withhold that.
“Look,” I say. “How about this? Let’s do this again tomorrow. Kidnap me again. Ask me again. Give me the night to really think about it, and what it means. Tomorrow I’ll know more.”
This isn’t the answer he wants, but it’s also not the answer he fears, so he’s willing to go with it. We exit the rollercoaster and walk around some more. But the magic of pretending has gone, and neither of us wants to insult the other by pretending otherwise. We walk in our own thoughts, knowing those thoughts have almost entirely to do with each other.
When he locks the gate behind us, Sam calls out, “See you tomorrow, Funland!”
I do the same, even though I won’t be seeing it tomorrow.
How can I let Mark know? What can I do that will make him realize what’s happened? Will there be some remnant of today when he wakes up tomorrow?
I can’t write him a letter, or even leave him a note. That would be weird.
Instead, I pace his orderly room. I am the only thing out of place.
Belonging. Togetherness. These words are as complicated and confusing as the word love. It’s probably all the same thing. Or it would be if we let it be. I can only guess from observation.
I don’t know what will happen with them. All I know is this:
As bedtime nears, Sam texts Mark a simple Good night. But in it I can sense the belonging, the togetherness, the love.
I text back my own Good night.
Then I leave it there, for Mark to find when he wakes up.
About the Author
DAVID LEVITHAN is the author of many acclaimed novels, some of them solo works, some of them collaborations. His solo novels include Boy Meets Boy; The Realm of Possibility; Are We There Yet?; How They Met, and Other Stories; Wide Awake; Love Is the Higher Law; and The Lover’s Dictionary. His collaborations include Will Grayson, Will Grayson (written with John Green), Marly’s Ghost (illustrated by Brian Selznick), and Every You, Every Me (with photographs by Jonathan Farmer), as well as three novels written with Rachel Cohn: Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List, and Dash & Lily’s Book of Dares. He lives in Hoboken, New Jersey, and spends his days in New York City, editing and publishing other people’s books. You can learn more about him at davidlevithan.com.
Every day a different body.
Every day a different life.
Every day in love with the same girl.
“An awe-inspiring, thought-provoking reminder that love reaches beyond physical appearances or gender.” —Kirkus Reviews, Starred
“A study in style, an exercise in imagination, and an opportunity for readers themselves to occupy another life: that of A, himself.” —Booklist, Starred
“Genius concept, brilliantly written. Every Day is David Levithan at his very best, and that is very, very good.” —Ellen Hopkins, author of Crank
“Is it too unmanly to say that this breathless book made me cry? It is? OK, well then I’ll just say this book is terrific, and if you’ll excuse me, I have something in my eye.” —Daniel Handler, author of Why We Broke Up
Don’t miss these other titles from New York Times bestselling author David Levithan:
Boy Meets Boy
The Realm of Possibility
Are We There Yet?
Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist
(written with Rachel Cohn)
Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List
(written with Rachel Cohn)
How They Met and Other Stories
The Likely Story series
(with David Ozanich and Chris Van Etten)
Wide Awake
Love Is the Higher Law
Dash & Lily’s Book of Dares
(written with Rachel Cohn)
Every You, Every Me
(with photographs by Jonathan Farmer)
Also available:
*Marly’s Ghost (illustrated by Brian Selznick)
*Will Grayson, Will Grayson (written with John Green)
*The Lover’s Dictionary
Six Earlier Days Page 4