I climbed the steps to the house and stared at the leader’s body, blood pooling around it and slipping through the cracks to the ground below.
It was then that I lost it, the shakes starting deep within my belly and spreading throughout my entire body, forcing me to the ground. I sat, leaning against the house, the body beside me as I waited for the shock to pass. When I was sure I wasn’t going to pass out, I let out a whistle. Within a few moments, Nero came running up on the porch and leapt into my lap.
“Good dog,” I said. When he went to sniff the body, I reprimanded him lightly. “Leave it.” I stood slowly, and with my hand against the house for support, I stood over the leader.
“I can’t let Sebastian see me like this,” I whispered. I bent and picked up the man’s feet, dragging him off the porch and toward the gate. It was hard work, the body floppy and uncooperative, and I was sweating hard by the time I was only halfway. I paused and caught my breath, and stared down at the body at my feet, really seeing it, the open gash across the neck; the surprised expression on his face. Emotions started to well up and I pushed them back down. There was no place for that, not anymore.
With a heave I started to drag the body again, this time getting it all the way to the gate before considering a major flaw in my plan. How the hell was I going to get it over the gate?
A grunt brought my attention to Scout, crouched back in the shadows. He stood slowly and approached me, his hands outstretched. We were going to have to work together if we were going to get this body over to him.
I lifted the feet up as high as I could; panting and breathing hard, a squirm of fear that Scout might make a grab for me while my hands were occupied. He reached over the fence and grabbed one boot, then the other, and yanked, snapping the body through the air and onto its side.
With a grunt and a smile, he dragged the body behind him to the edge of the bush and started in on it, his back hunched over the chest, and a loud crunching rolled over me followed by a wet ripping sound that I chose to ignore.
I made myself watch as he feasted on the body and thought about Sebastian, how soon it would be him eating whatever he could get his hands on. I hoped he was okay, hoped that he hadn’t been hurt. A part of me, though, hoped I didn’t ever have to see him shift, turn into a mindless eating machine, see him become like Scout, or Jessica or the Alpha.
Which would be worse, to lose him now and not know what happened, or lose him to the drug and forever have that image of Sebastian as a monster engrained in my mind?
13
The next morning was all about cleaning up the blood and hiding the evidence that the raiding party had ever been here. I didn’t need it as a reminder of what I’d done.
Exhausted from a long night of sleeplessness and hard work with the cleanup, I fell asleep around noon on our bed, Nero once more cuddled up behind my legs. It was a heavy sleep, dreamless and surprisingly restful. A light touch on my cheek snapped me awake and I lashed out, reaching for the knife under the pillow before I even opened my eyes.
“Easy, babe, it’s me,” Sebastian said.
I gasped and let go of the blade, and threw myself into his arms. All my thoughts of not telling him what happened broke under his presence and the words tumbled out of me along with the tears that I hadn’t been able to shed for the men that died, and the part of me that died along with them.
Sebastian stroked my hair and let me confess to him without a single word. Gulping back a final sob, I looked up and had to force myself not to react. His skin had changed in the short time he’d been gone and the patterning under the skin up his neck looked a great deal like a faint tattoo. Exactly as Jessica’s had right before she left.
“There’s nothing I can say that will make this better for you, babe,” Sebastian said. He continued to stroke my hair, never breaking eye contact with me. “You’ve got to be strong now. There’s no guarantee that more raiders won’t come, that you won’t be attacked again. In the past, there was always someone to call for help, the police or neighbours. We have to take care of each other now, whatever that means and whatever that takes.”
“It scared me how little I felt,” I whispered. “Like their deaths didn’t matter, when I knew they should have meant something.”
Sebastian frowned and shook his head. “Babe, you are going to have to fight to make it. Don’t let your fear stop you from surviving. I think it’s just your way of not losing your mind. Bad shit is going to happen, there’s nothing you can do about it but be strong.”
He pulled me tight into his arms, held me close, and I let out a sigh of relief. “I was scared you would think I was an awful person for what I did.”
“I’m going to try and eat people soon. I don’t think you have to worry about getting that bad,” he said.
I knew he was trying to lighten the mood, but he failed miserably, the shadows of what was coming for him lay heavy on us, a physical weight we both tried to ignore but couldn’t. I saw an image of Scout in my mind eating the body and it morphed into Sebastian, feral and nasty.
Sebastian stood up. “Come on, let me show you what I found.”
I followed him downstairs, prepared to be dazzled. Boy, was I disappointed. The kitchen table was covered, but most of it wasn’t food. There were a number of different drugs; he’d found me some allergy medicine, batteries, and then some canned food of miscellaneous types. Nothing that would last much more than a week if I stretched it.
I forced a smile. “Looks good, how far did you have to go for all this?”
“All the way down to Bowser. Most of the homes have been ransacked and I was chased by a few smaller packs, but it was quiet for the most part.”
“What about Dan’s? Why didn’t you go there?” I brushed my fingers across the package of batteries, wishing they were edible.
Sebastian shook his head. “I went there first, but he . . . .”
A grimace crossed over his face, twisting it into a parody of the man I loved. I reached out and he pushed my hand away, stumbling toward the front door.
“Bastian.”
He didn’t turn around, just kept walking, using the furniture for support. I followed, knowing what was about to happen, wishing there was some other way, wishing I could help him. Wishing I could take his place. I let out a sob, it should have been me, I should have been the one to turn, not Sebastian.
He turned at the door, his pupils shifting, sliding into the vertical slit that was becoming so familiar to me. Tears dripped off his chin, the last tears he would cry as a human.
“I love you.”
I ran to him; he tried to push me away. I wouldn’t let him go that easily. I pulled his head to mine and, pressing my lips to his, our tears sealed what would be our last kiss.
“Always Bastian, you will always be my love. Forever,” I whispered against his mouth, and then he jerked himself away from me and ran for the gate, climbing clumsily over it. As his feet touched the other side, he let out a roar, guttural and wild. I slid to my knees, tears streaming down my face. The pack emerged from the bush, Scout creeping forward first, the Alpha and Jessica at the back, like always.
They milled around him, sniffing and grunting, and he pushed them away easily, making them keep their distance. When one got too close, Sebastian snapped his foot forward catching it in the mouth and sent it flying backwards. After that, they easily gave him the distance he wanted. As they turned to go, the pack slipping back into the bush, Sebastian stayed, standing in front of the gate like a sentinel.
He turned his head and looked back at me, his now-foreign eyes meeting mine. With a low moan, he dropped to the ground, tucking himself into the shadows that Scout had previously occupied. With my own moan, my head dropped forward till it touched the wooden railing.
Sebastian wasn’t going with the pack. He was staying to guard me. I didn’t know what was worse, having him gone completely and knowing he had no memory left of his life before, or knowing that he was trapped inside a body with unn
atural desires, and still remembering me and our love.
14
I spent the better part of the next three days hiding inside, sleeping and wishing I had the courage to take my own life, only moving when Nero whined for food or to go out. I dreamed of blood and death and knives, Sebastian making love to me, our child we never had, the men who broke into our house, and Jessica with her sweet smile. The dreams left me moaning and tossing, my own cries waking me up only to let the sadness swallow me down again.
On the third day a rock banged on my bedroom window and I leapt out of bed, half-dressed and completely confused, scrambling for a weapon of some sort. Nero was on full alert, his hackles high and a low growl rumbling past his lips.
“What the hell?” I made my way to the window to peer outside. Sebastian stood at the gate, a rock in his hand, arm cocked back and ready to throw.
I lifted the windowpane and hung my upper body out. “Okay! I’m up, stop throwing rocks, you nut,” I shouted at him. He blew a raspberry my way that I could hear even from this distance and sat back down in the cover of the bush, disappearing from view. But he was still there, he hadn’t left me, not completely, and he still had some of himself left, enough to still care about me.
Cold water makes a good bracer to wake you up in the morning, and I scrubbed my body clean in the back yard with a bar of soap and two buckets of water. I even found the energy to play with Nero, splashing him with water as he ran around the yard. Clean clothes next, and I felt more awake and ready to face whatever this day would bring me.
Suddenly ravenous, I went to the kitchen and pulled out a can of beans. I cracked it open and ate the whole thing down without a breath. A can of peaches was next, followed by a jar of maraschino cherries. The sweetness of the cherries slowed me down, and I took my time to savour the thick juice they were in, licking every finger to get the most out of the jar. I looked at what I’d done when I finished, and even though I knew that it was no more than I would have eaten had I been awake the last few days, I still felt bad for eating so much in one sitting.
“Damn,” I muttered for no particular reason except to say something to break the silence. I put away the supplies that Sebastian had brought home, organizing the quickly diminishing stocks. There wasn’t much here and soon, I’d be the one heading out of the property to get food stuffs. I wasn’t sure if it was better to wait or to go right away.
The next few days went like the last few weeks had: water, garden, fence checking, splitting wood, wash some clothes and hope they last a while yet, and keep an eye on the gate. Through every chore, every necessary task, I wondered what the hell I was going to do with the next fifty years of my life alone on a farm surrounded by a pack of wild humans with nothing more than a yellow Lab for company.
More than a week had passed, maybe even longer since Sebastian had left me, and I found myself talking to Nero, having full conversations with the puppy. He would cock his head and listen, his pink tongue hanging out as he stared up at me. It was in the middle of one of these conversations that our three acres suddenly felt terribly claustrophobic, so much so that I started to tremble.
I scanned the back property for where Dan had gone into the bush. A spring of hope whispered through me. Of course Dan was still alive! He had a freaking bunker full of guns and food, Nero and I could go and get food and a gun. My rational self tried to remind me that Sebastian had gone to Dan’s and come away with nothing, and that I didn’t trust Dan—but my need to see and speak to another person was driving me beyond what was rational.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” I asked Nero. He gave me what I chose to believe was an affirmative yip. The trek would require me to put my life on the line to reach a man I barely knew and wasn’t entirely sure of, yet I was ready to do it if it meant having someone to talk to, even for a just a little while. I justified my idea with the thought that I would be able to get food from him and maybe even a weapon, if he held true to his word.
“It’s all I’ve got,” I said.
I went inside, and grabbed the three empty knapsacks tucking them inside one another till there was only the one for me to carry. I couldn’t take them all full, but it was a nice thought to think that I would be filling them up.
I wanted to bring my knife so that it was at hand without me holding on to it the whole time. It was a forty-five minute walk, maybe longer if I had to duck for cover. I paused in my preparations; maybe it would be shorter, if I had to run the whole way. I put the backpack on backwards and lifted Nero into it, his head sticking out along with his tongue. I laughed at him and he gave me a doggy grin, licking at my face. He was getting bigger, but I didn’t think he could walk the whole way, and I didn’t want to leave him here on his own in case I didn’t come back. At least out there he might have a chance at finding food and surviving.
An ungodly screech filled the air and the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention. I ran to the front door, skidding to a stop on the threshold. The pack was in a giant circle on the far side of the gate, screaming, hollering, and otherwise making as much noise as possible. In the centre of the circle was the Alpha male and, I let out a low moan, Sebastian.
Pulling myself together, I slid off the pack and put Nero on the ground then ran to the gate, my knife clenched firmly in my hands. What I thought I was going to do about this was anyone’s guess; I sure as hell didn’t know.
The pack ignored me, focused solely on the two men in the circle as they jabbed and struck at one another. I knew it was a fight for dominance, but it was hard for me to see my usually passive, nonaggressive husband with his lips curled back over his teeth, growls emanating from his mouth.
They rammed each other; grappling for the upper hand, and I found myself yelling along with the pack, screaming at Sebastian to finish the Alpha off, Nero barking and jumping at my feet. The energy around us swirled, bringing us for a moment into their world, swept up in the fight for the stronger leader. If it was a battle to the death, there was no doubt in my mind who I wanted to win, even if Sebastian was no longer himself.
The clash of bodies caused a huge dustbowl, the dry dirt road and wind making perfect conditions for it. The two men were soon caked in a fine dusting of powdered earth, the sweat rolling down their bodies, catching each particle and sticking it to them. Their bodies now a strange shade of yellow highlights and red-brown mud only added to the animalistic surrealism of the scene. I took a step back and really looked at what was going on. The pack was split, half on one side of the circle and half on the other. I had a feeling that Scout would be on Sebastian’s side. I scanned the crowd and spotted him on the left, Jessica next to him. I frowned. Wouldn’t she want to be on her mate’s side? A strange squirming feeling settled in my belly. She would be, unless she saw Sebastian as the better mate for her, stronger, younger and better able to care for her and any babies she had.
“You stay away from him!” I surprised myself by yelling at her. Not that she paid me any attention; she was totally focused on the match, her eyes never leaving the two men.
I took a step back and a deep breath. What did I think was going to happen? I closed my eyes and tried to slow my ever escalating thoughts, tried to banish a sudden image of Jessica and Sebastian rolling on the ground, their bodies naked and intertwined, wrestling in a far different way than he was now entangled with the Alpha. He wouldn’t do it. I had to believe there was enough of Sebastian left that he wouldn’t have sex with Jessica. My stomach rolled and I swallowed on the bile that rose in my throat, an unexpected burn of anger starting. He hadn’t even done anything and already I was feeling the effects of jealousy and bitterness at the thought of Bastian and Jessica together.
A crack of bone and I opened my eyes to see the Alpha male on the ground, his ankle twisted at the wrong angle. He let out a moan and dropped his head, defeated by his younger opponent. The pack swirled around, hopping and thumping the ground with their hands and feet, some of them diving into their fallen leader and taking po
t shots at him.
The pack stepped back; their eager grunts and gestures making it clear even to me that they wanted Sebastian to finish him off. This was the final moment of his humanity and I knew it. The minute he killed the man helpless at his feet would be the minute I had to say goodbye to him forever. If it had been a battle to the end, that would have been different, survival, but not this killing of a defenceless creature at his feet.
Sebastian walked over to the Alpha and stared down at him, not moving, just looking. The Alpha kept his eyes down and held perfectly still. He knew as well as the rest of them what was coming.
“Sebastian.” I said, not truly thinking he would heed me. To my disbelief, he turned and looked me in the eye. “Don’t do this. Don’t let them take the last of what makes you you.”
My eyes filled, but I didn’t cry. I put every emotion I could into my next words, hoping he would listen.
“Don’t kill him.”
The pack, perhaps sensing my interference started to grumble. They milled toward the gate and I stepped back out of reach, but I never broke eye contact with Sebastian.
Something flickered in those alien eyes—an emotion that was so achingly human—a piece of my husband I thought was gone forever. Compassion.
He stepped away from the Alpha and growled at the pack, which then froze in their advance on me and the gate. A second, lower growl and they backed off, slinking into the bush from where they had come. All except for Jessica, who hovered close by, her rail thin body swaying to music I couldn’t hear, and the previous Alpha, who pulled himself to his feet and, dragging his broken ankle, limped down the road alone, away from the pack’s territory. Jessica didn’t even look at her mate as he passed her. She had eyes for only one person.
Darlings of Decay Page 35